@mykidsgranny, why are you supporting your mom instead of her paying her expenses?
Wish I had a dollar for every time my sister-in-law and I have said this. And just when we think it can’t get worse - it does. 
It’s not uncommon to claim preference for the one not there. It’s part idealizing, part a sort of rebellion. If Johnny were here, I wouldn’t have to do X. Or, He’d do Y for me.
RH, your “elder abuse” comment pertains to your father? Separate from that, many do feel heroic measures prolong agony, that life has a cycle. It’s never easy.
A year ago I was going to have my dad move in. He ended up having a crisis right before and the social worker told me that there was no way if I was working that I could handle it. I thank god for that every day.
My current problem. My Dad’s best friend (who is 90 years old) has gone to visit my dad in his memory care once a week for the last year. He is such a sweet guy and my Dad really looks forward to his visits. Last week the friend went in for heart surgery and it didn’t go well and he is now on “comfort care”. I haven’t told my dad anything. Do I tell him? Any suggestions on what or how much to say?
I don’t know your dad’s situation but maybe you should ask the staff at memory care how best to handle this. You could gloss over the truth and say his friend isn’t feeling well. My MIL and a friend of ours both have Alzheimer’s. They are both what we call “in the moment”. We may tell them something and they respond appropriately but 5 minutes later they ask the same question. With your dad you may tell him about his friend but he may forget . So each time you have to tell him it’s like reopening a wound. In our family we try to do the least harm. Maybe tell your dad that your friend is ill and unable to come. Or that he is unable to drive. It’s so very hard to know what to do. I think it mostly depends on how well your dad can absorb the information. My thoughts are with you.
In the early stages of dementia, I’d tell my mother when people died or were very ill. That included her brother who died around 19 years ago, and my mother still remembers that he’s dead. I quit telling her about 10 years ago, after I had told her that my MIL died, and she never remembered and would ask DH how his mother is. She hasn’t been informed that her SisIL, best friend, and my FIL have died, and if she asks about them (which rarely happens anymore), I’d say that I hadn’t heard from them for awhile, or that they’re fine. She wouldn’t know the difference.
As to why I am supporting my mother, the expenses are utilities, phone, etc., that I would be paying anyway. I just don’t expect her to pay any of that. I buy her clothes when needed, but periodically I will write a check on her account to pay myself back. Some people think I should be charging her rent, but we didn’t start out that way and it would be difficult to try to start now. She does pay her aide (I write the check on her account) and also pays for the groceries that her aide picks up for her. A member of the extended family charged her mother what a nursing home would charge, then sent her to day-care three times a week and respite care fairly often; the mother paid for that, also. That really irritated me.
In reading through the earlier pages of this thread, I found a statement that went something like this; “Have THE TALK with them early, when they reach about 65, so that they can understand what you are trying to tell them”. I was amused and slightly insulted. I am 73, almost 74. I have “the talk” with my 53-year-old daughter fairly frequently, and I don’t think she has caught on yet. I had to threaten to cancel her ticket to Europe last year if she and her husband didn’t come up with at least a simple will! I have had a Revocable Living Trust and a Pour-over Will for at least 15 years if not longer. I am working at selling my business because she and her husband have NO business sense of any kind; when he got a promotion at work and became a manager he was at my house every night for weeks, trying to figure out how to be a manager.
I really try to treat our skilled care facility residents as I would like to be treated.
One of the memory care/dementia residents who says “Oh God” a lot and is hard of hearing, was whimpering tonight and saying her mother died today. She didn’t remember what year her mom was born, but because the resident was born in 1935, I reasoned with her that this is 2017, and her mom would probably be over 100 if she was still living. She remembered that her mom died in her late 80’s, so I told her she probably died about 10 years ago and the thought just crossed her mind now. That seemed to calm her.
MIL and FIL were here for DD’s weekend wedding. Oh boy - lots of issues. FIL is very needy. I see this with some of our residents. BIL who lives near them does lose patience, and his GF seems to handle things better.
All I can say is, hope for the best, but expect the worst. And take things one day at a time. No need to ‘borrow trouble’ with things in the future that may not come to fruition.
@tx5athome, my parents don’t have the ability to “look forward” to a visit. I used to call to make plans within the next week and write it on a wipe board. That stopped working and I would call that morning if I was coming that day. When that stopped working, I would call about 2 hours before I was coming. Now, I just show up. If we need to go somewhere such as a doctor’s appointment, I show up early so they can get ready. For a friend that was visiting weekly, I’m sure they would be pleasantly surprised when he showed up, but would not think about him the rest of the week. I would tell them “Jim” was sick and is unable to come and visit. They would take it well and I suspect they will quickly (within 5 minutes) forget that Jim every existed.
I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit it but few things drive me more crazy than this. I can only handle this kind of behavior with my kids; they are the only people in the world where I have the patience that it takes (and fortunately they are good, responsible adults now). With my MIL it literally used to make me cringe. It’s weird because I love her!
My parents are the opposite direction, probably too much so. We won’t know something is wrong unless it’s on fire.
Wish there was a happy medium. Wish I had more patience and a better ability to compartmentalize and keep things in perspective.
Update. My mil passed away overnight last night. DH and I had visited just a few hour earlier. She had developed pneumonia and was clearly struggling. She had very few conscious moments in the last two weeks since SIL dumped her, and sadly none when we were there. But she appeared to be aware when a couple of the other siblings were visiting.
I’m wondering if the crazy SIL is going to be informed. She robbed the others of any contact with their mother these last nine months of her life when she still had some mental awareness. Not sure any of us are willing to be in her company again. I guess the next step is to sue her for stealing all of mom’s bank accounts. So sick of this!
Hugs, junie.
So sorry Junebug!!
Very sorry, Junebug.
Sorry for your loss, juniebug.
Junebug, I am so very sorry! I wouldn’t notify sil until the lawsuit papers are served.
Sorry, Juniebug. All good thoughts to your family.
Awww @juniebug, I’m very sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your family’s loss, @juniebug. May her memory be a blessing. (((((hugs!)))))
So sorry for all the tsuris.