“Live shorter lives more independently”. I know my mom feels this way but didn’t get her wish. She’s miserable and very dependent with major memory problems. Good article.
One more step forward and another sideways. The folks were admitted to their preferred SR continuing care community after waiting many years. They now have to cone up with the 10% down payment and gave 60days for them to cone up with the 90% balance.
That’s a huge relief. Now they have to organize their assets, liquidate and figure out the $$$ details, including the monthly amount.
There’s some disagreement among the sibs as to whether or not their house should be sold or rented. Some want to rent and then sell after the 2nd to die (basis is stepped up to fmv at date of death). I’m just concerned about whether they will have the funds they need if they don’t sell.
Think it has to be considered your primary home 2 of the last 5 years to reap certain benefits. Ask a cpa.
Yea, they’ve lived there the past 50+ years so have a few years to figure out if it is even desirable as a rental at all or should be sold for the $500k exemption.
My sibs are consulting the CPA who does dad’s taxes.
The folks are still adjusting to the idea, after being on the waiting list for years. Dad is in shock and mom says she doesn’t like change. They did see many of their friends in the brief visit to the unit they’ll be living in. It includes weekly maid service and meal credits for one large or several small meals.
All the best with the transition, HImom. I remember supporting my folks through a move to AL 14 years ago. Part of my encouragement was that while what they were saying good bye to was obvious, what they were gaining would take a bit more time to see. I told them I would be there to listen throughout. Within 2 days, my DM said “if I knew it would be like this, I might have come sooner.” Very remarkable coming from a woman who cherished her home.
While YMMV, I hope your parents and family wind up feeling good about where they land. In my parents’ case, it was clearly the right thing.
My in laws decided to die in their home, but life happened and they could not stay, it became unsafe even with live in care. They waited too long, though, for the AL to be good. He moved into the Independent Living room and was a wreck, two weeks later into AL, where he never did settle well, though having people to eat with was nice, but every single day after breakfast, he would call to complain and yell at one of us kids. He just did not adapt well.
If your family, HIMom, are still cognizant enough to make the adjustment and enjoy the people there, it could be a great thing. We could see how much FIL would have enjoyed being involved at the AL had it happened when he was physically and mentally stronger and able to participate.
Yes, we are hopeful that being around friends and having friends to dine with regularly plus maid service weekly and regular shuttle service will allow them to be independent and happier longer. I’m sure it will require adjustments.
The good thing is that the place they are moving covers the full care spectrum from independent living thru nursing home care and the steps in between so that should provide more peace of mind for everyone. It’s like a fancy hotel, with a great chef and public areas.
That sounds like a great move @HImom provided everything goes smoothly! My parents CCRC was fabulous and they would still be there if it weren’t for their particular constellation of health issues that the community could not accommodate, even though we thought they would stay for life.
I hope your folks will like meeting new people and having the burden of cooking and cleaning up removed from their lives!
They aren’t cooking or cleaning now, so having someone do it regularly on a schedule is a huge plus! They will even have bedding washed weekly with the maid service.
@HImom Good luck! It sounds really similar to the CCRC where my parents are. We planned for them to be there the rest of their lives. It was great for 4 years and I have no regrets. But, besides locked memory care, they just aren’t able to meet my parent’s needs at this time. But, like @surfcity, I think I have a unique set of circumstances with both parents at a similar stage of dementia. We decided to sell the house to pay for the move and I have no regrets. But their house was in FL and I’m in NC.
I needs folks to talk me off the ledge! Moving day to the personal care home is Thursday and things are going as smoothly as possible. I brought mom to the doctor yesterday and she was kind and supportive of the move. It was clear at my dad’s appointment, the doctor thought memory care was a better option. Of course, in preparing for the move they are worsening by the day and I hope I am making the right decision. But, I can still get into the memory care at my folks CCRC before I sell the condo. That will go up for sale in October.
We are keeping my fingers crossed. We will only be home a few days in October, so my sibs will have to have major roles in this move. The rest of the time we will be traveling and can’t reschedule.
@GTalum, you are extremely knowledgeable and, even more so, you know your parents–that comes shining through in your posts here. Of course it’s maximum-stress time for all of you. You are allowed to be stressed out! (((((hugs!)))))
@HImom, it sounds like this opening came through at a very opportune moment for your parents. So good that they have friends there. (((((hugs))))) to you too!
I’m going to segue back to the Ativan thing, if I may. I didn’t cut her off Ativan, cold; she was getting 1/2 mg at 4 pm and 1 mg at 8pm. I only took away the 1/2 mg at 4, and that was only for a few days; it obviously wasn’t doing any good so I gave it back to her. The only reason I tried doing without it was that some people on this thread had said that their elders weren’t reacting well to it as they aged, and she has been taking this forever. At one point she was supposed to take 1 mg only if she woke up in the night and couldn’t go back to sleep; then I discovered that she was taking both 1mg pills along with her 10mg Ambien, at bedtime. That had to change. My mother loves her some pills.
Oh, and I have the neatest device; some of you may also be using it. It’s called MedReady, and can dispense medication up to four times a day, 7 days a week. It is electric and has a battery backup in case of power failure. I couldn’t give her boxes of four sets of pills a day, she would cherrypick and only take the tranquilizers and pain pills. This one she can’t get into until it’s time. Lifesaver.
Believe me I have seen first hand the ravishes of dementia. I know everyone does what they can to help their loved ones.
I attended an Alzheimer’s conference in NJ and the speaker was so anti benzodiazepines for dementia patients. (I’m not sure what the answer is for the intense anxiety for patients)
It’s a truly daunting journey and I send cyber hugs to all of you dealing with this now.
And then there is the connection.Between long term use and dementia. It’s all so overwhelming-
Anxiety Meds Valium, Xanax And Ativan May Not Lead To Dementia …
https://www.forbes.com › 2016/02/04 › a…
Here is the link- some controversy about these medications
https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2016/02/04/anxiety-meds-valium-xanax-and-ativan-may-not-lead-to-dementia-suggests-study/#2f71540d50f0
On a lot of meds, best we can say is the jury is still out. Often, you need to put a lot of different studies together, to see what patterns emerge.
Granny, we’re not judging you here. You’re trying to do the best you can in a tough situation.
@HImom
I hope the new facility has Memory Care rooms in the full life cycle. You never know whether your parents are going to need that and that’s a very expensive cost. Am now moving my Dad from Assisted Living , which was very beneficial because he was isolated and alone in his house, to Memory Care at another location.
Are they paying a large entry fee? What if they develop dementia? Are they offering a transition for that need?
In my area Memory Care in a decent facility costs from $6,000 to $10,000 a month. Yikes…how do people afford that without huge retirement savings?
The facility is supposed to have ALL levels of care and all the reviews I and my sibs have read are excellent. Many of their friends have lived there for years and are happy their. There is a substantial buy in fee plus a monthly fee. The estate gets 90% of the buy in fee back after the 2nd of the couple dies (or the single if it’s a single).