I feel for you @HImom. My mother was addicted to QVC. After arguing with her for about 2 years, she finally gave me shopping bag of bills, some unopened. She refused to let me take the bills over and would not give me POA, (she was paranoid and didn’t trust me). I had to sit at her table everyday for about a week and open, read, reread the bills to her, listen to a story about the bills and finally write out checks that she would sign. When I came to the credit card bill, sure enough, she had spent over $5,000 on QVC. I went ballistic, I searched her house, with her trailing behind me, frantically trying to stop me. I found mailing envelops, (unopened) that were filled with junk jewelry. It began a battle with QVC and the State’s Attorney General’s office involved for QVC to take back the unopened jewelry and credit her account. She still had about $1,000 more of jewelry filling her jewelry boxes. It has been a very long and painful process for her and for me. Didn’t get control of things until she was hospitalized with diverticulitis and came down with C-dif and MRSA in the hospital. She was paranoid, hallucinating and could not be discharged. We went to court for conservatorship.
@GTalum, so glad the move has happened. Hoping for the best for you and your parents in their new home. And what a relief it must be to have them so close to home! I hated the 1-hour trip to my dad’s house.
My ex-husband has been his parents’ caregiver for the past seven years. His parents are both 91 years old. His mom has advanced Alzheimer’s disease: she doesn’t walk, needs to be put on the toilet and fed, speaks but nonsensically. His dad is in a wheelchair all the time, too. He is in constant discomfort from leg pain, cause not determined, but probably a combination of heart disease, diabetes, and arthritis. He might be showing normal age-related memory loss but does not have dementia. He has been mean and cranky as long as I’ve known him (almost 35 years) and has gotten worse over the years.
My ex has three siblings. His sister lives in state and helps out once or twice per year by staying with the parents for three or four days at a time so my ex can see our daughters when they visit from out of state. His brothers live out of state. I think it has been at least two years since one has visited and at least five since the other has visited. My ex’s sister did sub for my ex last week when both our daughters were at home, and I much appreciate that. But she immediately announced that she would not be going to the parents’ home at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
When my ex tried to arrange for a home-care-services worker to come in so he could drive our daughters to the airport for their respective departures, his dad said to him the following (I’m paraphrasing): “I’m old and sick and I’m going to die soon. You can’t leave me now. Your daughters are going to be around after I’m gone and you’ll be able to spend time with them then.”
Sympathy and suggestions are welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.
“Love you Dad, I’ll be back 3 hours.”
Oh @rosered55 that sounds awful. Is ex-H literally living there and caring for them FT? That sounds like an impossible situation? Does he have a job too?
I do think of the old Dear Abby advice, that no one can take advantage of you without your permission. IMHO it is not fair to expect a person to give up his whole life to care for a parent. There is nothing wrong with having outside help to supplement the adult child’s tasks.
I wish I had more suggestions, but all I can offer is sympathy.
Ex-h literally lives there and provides care 24/7 and has for several years. He is paid but the payments are “under the table,” per his father’s request. When he began this gig six years ago (the day after we took our younger daughter to college for the beginning of her first year), the plan was for the job to be temporary and for him to be looking for a regular full-time job. He never did, which disappointed but didn’t surprise me.
I agree with “no one can take advantage of you without your permission.” The other day, when ex-h called me in some distress because he wanted to come drive our older daughter to the airport but his dad was reacting negatively, I mentioned that I’ve talked to one of his brothers a few times and that brother has expressed willingness to visit the parents regularly so that ex-h can have regular breaks. When I brought this up, ex-h said, “But I would have nowhere to go…” in a self-pitying tone. He always stays in our family home when he comes to see our daughters, and I have offered other forms of assistance as well with his situation; or he could stay in a hotel. Sigh. He has issues with passivity.
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Thank you for sharing this info. What I see as a common theme is a lack of planning. I have this now with my parents- mid 80s and in a condo near me - they seem intent on living in their condo until they die. They ignore the fact that this will be impossible without my help - groceries, doctor appts, etc. - even if they have an aide to help with personal care tasks. No interest in planning other options, moving to a CCRC, etc.
I think about how much time we spend planning for college - every aspect of testing, admittance, best fit, paying for it, etc. Probably should devote equal time to planning for old age.
My mother did try similar guilt with me. I always remembered when I worked ER and saw young people die of asthma, car accidents, etc and I would say ‘None of us are guaranteed life mom, I am going to my daughters.’ It is just plain selfish on the elderly parents part, but they become so childlike and self centered they do not see it. I feel it was my responsibility to react appropriately when they did not
Thank you, @rockymtnhigh. That’s my thought, too. And the opportunities don’t arise often for my ex-h to see our daughters. One lives 1000 miles away and the other is about to move 2000 miles away.
@rosered55 My mom is 5 and my dad 2. Would we pay any attention to a child’s provocative statement?
@rockvillemom of course, one of the symptoms of early dementia is the inability to plan. For my parents, it require a visit from both me and my brother to kick the plans in gear.
The Book entitled “The 36 hour day” very good
^ yes, that book is really helpful.
Very true re early dementia and inability to plan. My aunt and uncle live in NC outside of Asheville. Their 3 adult children are in AZ, PA and NJ. They are around 80 and living in a condo. Aunt has really been going downhill the past year, and the pace of her decline is accelerating. She is in and out of the hospital for multiple falls and episides of disorientation - has a serious underlying illness - signs of dementia. Uncle is ok physically, but stressed and struggling to care for aunt, who insists she does not want to move. The 3 adult children all visited - seperately - this past month and all asked their parents what they want to do, where they might want to move, etc. No one is in charge, no one is making decisions. My cousins seem to be waiting for direction from their parents. No direction is forthcoming. This is not going to end well.
This is what I have trouble understanding with families. Its’ not that the parents won’t make a decision, it’s that they can’t. Somebody needs to take the agency to do this just as we did with our kids. This Christmas, when both the kids are here, we will have a discussion about how they need to make decisions for us when we can’t ourselves. It is clear, with 2 parents with dememtia, I am at high risk. My parent’s, when the had mild cognitive impairment, picked the CCRC near me where they moved. But, my brother and I needed to set the process in motion. This last time, it was clear I make the decision and made all the decisions.
Agree and I have been urging my cousins to step up - either as a unified group - or with one as the leader - and start making decisions to relocate their parents. But clearly they have never discussed the need to do this and they are also hampered by distance.
This is so true, but is not always easily done. I have seen many seniors who the kids knew were impaired and yet the senior could certainly have held it together long enough to dispute a conservatorship. And who wants to go down that road anyway! How do kids take over those agency decisions when either the parents or the siblings, or both, are not on board?
We had a senior who fought losing control to the last minute and had such an adversarial attitude that the resident doctor at the AL refused to put in writing that the senior was incompetent to make financial decisions, even though people at the home all acknowledged that he had lost that ability.
It’s also weird how siblings react differently. A few months after that first doctor refused to write the letter, we had another doctor willing to write the letter, just to make the whole process easier not to do anything weird with money or decisions, one kid was already POA, but there were legitimate concerns about the senior’s relationship with caregivers and he’d given them money and stuff. But no, one sibling called said doctor and told him the senior was just fine and not to write the letter. It was a really weirdly emotional few days when all that went down. Siblings chose not to make any sort of permanent fight with each other over it and all acknowledged that emotions were high. I think that sibling was hurt to see the decline, did not want to admit how bad it was. Weird how we cope.
Yes, it is hard with siblings not on the same page. Fortunately, my brother and I were able to work together as was my husband and his sister when it came time to move his parents. Plus, I’m amazed how siblings can see the exact same behavior and interpret it different ways. My SIL ( my past brother’s wife) my mom has dementia and can’t live alone. She had this fantasy that dad could go to memory care while mom can live a full independent life and visit him. Yes, she is again upset with me that I placed them both in a family care home. Of course, she hasn’t seen them for a year and hasn’t asked me how they are doing and relies on occasional reports from my niece who hasn’t seen them in 7 months. It would be difficult if she was my sibling and had an actual voice in what care they received.
Family dynamics are hard to break. FIL was easy do get along with as long as you didn’t argue with him, but the kids never formed adult relationships with him - he was still the dad (and husband) who could not be challenged and who would get belligerent if anyone didn’t back down on any topic. So when he slipped into dementia no one would challenge his right to make his own decisions because no one had any practice standing up to him, and he had never had any practice accommodating for anyone else’s preferences. Sometimes you reap what you sow. His last days were hard, but he was in the place he had prepared for himself over many years.
We were just with my folks from 7-3pm today. Took mom to breakfast, trying to impress upon her the importance of eating and drinking regularly, picking up dad, coordinating with sibs, getting mom’s dead car re-started and driving it around for 30 minutes, lunch with the folks, dealing with mail and bogus purchases. Am exhausted and it’s only 3pm.