Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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9741

Good for you @HImom. Caring for elders is a lot of work

My father seems to be falling frequently at the Family Care Home where my parent’s moved to. There is nothing they can do about it short of hovering over him all the time which he wouldn’t stand for. It’s due to his executive function being poor such as trying to put on a shirt on his legs (instead of pants) and getting tripped up, or tripping on stuff because of poor depth perception. Apparently the safety inspectors came over. I had to write a letter saying I was aware of the falls and understood they will happen and wanted no aggressive or follow up treatment unless there was a head injury, open wound, or intractable pain. I suspect the falls have been happening for a period of time but since both mom and dad have such poor cognitive function, they couldn’t remember to tell me about it and I’m sure don’t have the function to even hide it from me.

9742

My sister took dad to the SR living place so he could pay the 10% down payment. They are scheduled to return in a week and pay the other 90% and move in! I don’t believe any one has measured any of the rooms that they are moving into and don’t believe any (or at least most) of their furniture will fit into the smaller lodgings. They currently live in a 4000+ square foot place and are moving into a 1200+ square foot place. Sister has hired mover, but no idea what they are planning to move and what they are planning to leave. My brother wanted to buy all new stuff for their new place by sister shot that idea down.

They have several HUGE tables that I don’t believe will fit in the new place, as well as several huge sofas and armchairs.

Then again, dad wants to buy and install a huge brand new huge wine fridge, even tho neither he nor mom drinks much (if any) wine.

9743

Maybe your brother had the right idea of new furnishings. While it is costly, it would prevent the agonizing over what to bring to new place and what will fit. Purchase what will fit into the rooms, have it delivered and set up, call an estate sales manager to handle what you and your family do not wish to take. While you may not receive the amount that you feel the items are worth, it should cover the cost of the new furnishings. Best of luck, when things fall into place, they tend to happen quickly!

9744

Entirely new furnishings can be disorienting.
I’d say, start with just a few very familiar pieces, make it work. Have the fav chair for each, a dresser, a familiar small table to sit and snack at (even if it’s not DR size.) Hang pictures they recognize. If he orders a wine fridge, intercept and return.

9745

My dad move from a 2000 sq. ft. house to a one bedroom independent living apartment. He fit a dresser, sofa, farm style table, room divider, credenza-- all quite large, as well as various smaller dressers, chairs etc. Surprisingly, when he moved to a studio memory care room he was still able to keep that farm table, dresser and room divider. Those familiar furniture items were very important to him. I even set the second room up as closely as possible to the first room so he would see the same things when he woke up. Every person is different but the fact that his furniture was there helped him believe he was in the right room. The new place might even have the room dimensions already available. Then wouldn’t take long to measure at lest a few key items. Good luck!

9746

I’m letting sister and my folks figure it out. I think we will end up buying new of the things that don’t fit, like the dresser and dining table. I think sometimes too many voices are divisive and confusing. They have not asked me to weigh in at all.

9747

My Dad had such a downward spiral we had to kind of trick him into moving into Memory Care. We started with the bare minimum, and then tried to move his things in, but he always has us take them back because he is “moving soon”. He won’t even let us put anything on the walls. I feel like the people that work there must think we don’t care about him.

9748

For my in laws, having a painting or two from home seemed to be quite meaningful. For each person it seems to be different, but there must be a reassurance in having something familiar around. Your job to is to figure out what that something is, no pressure :wink:

9749

And my one special, meaningful painting from my grandmothers house that we moved first into al, then into memory care…then when they moved mom to put her closer to the nurses in memory care, that painting disappeared. They moved her after calling me and saying they would set it up just like her old room. When I got there w week later, there were few pictures on the walls, most were piled under her table, where the tv was also stored… the not valuable painting was there along with many grandkids pics. Sigh. That is the only time, other than her clothes disappearing in the laundry that I think they let me down.

No advice on the big house to al apartment, but if someone else is doing the heavy lifting, I vote let them carry on with verbal moral support for whatever they make work.
It is hard.

9750

When we moved from the big house to the 2 bedroom apartment to independent living 4 years ago, we did a combination of things. We moved bedroom furniture, a dining table that can be folded, chairs, and a desk. Everything else was donated and we bough new living room furniture. On this move to the family care home, we moved the bedroom furniture and donated everything else.

My mom was a prolific painter. We are struggling to find where some of her paintings can live. So hard @esobay to lose a special painting. A resident of the family care home is so proud of her mom’s paintings and enjoys showing them to us.

9751

When I moved my mother from a 2BR apt into AL, I moved all but the extra BR’s furniture, and set it up as closely as possible to how it was arranged previously. The move had to be made, she wasn’t happy about it, but keeping as much of her furniture as possible at least made the transition a little easier.

9752

I have a question about car insurance that seems appropriate to ask here. My ex lives with his parents. His parents own a car. Neither one drives anymore, and both their licenses are expired. My ex has his own car but he hasn’t driven it in months and he allowed the insurance to lapse. He drives his parents’ car regularly. Is it likely that he would need to be a named driver to be covered on his parents’ car’s policy?

9753

Is there any insurance on the vehicles at all? If the car owners don’t have licenses they may also have discontinued buying insurance on their vehicles. The insurance stays with the vehicle in nearly all cases. Your H should be a named insured on any vehicle he drives regularly or may have a huge coverage fight if he ever has a claim under the policy.

9754

Since he lives at their address, I think he should be a named driver on the policy. He couldn’t really claim that he’s just a visitor who borrowed the car.

9755

Has anyone seen an elder regain some cognitive function after a hospitalization? So My Mom (78) fell in her apartment (she lives alone my Dad passed away).
She had a fx in her spine and was hospitalized followed by in patient rehab. Mom had a complicated hospital stay partly because of her reaction to the pain meds. She became confused among other things. Now she is back home and we thought that she would regain some of her mental capacity -but she hasn’t. She has been home for 2 weeks and is having some trouble with remembering her meds and losing things.
Before this she was pretty with it.
I know that this often happens -I was just hoping someone had some good experience to share. I fear this is the beginning of a downward spiral.

9756

@veruca- yes, I have seen an elder regain cognitive abilities post-hospitalization. My mother did not have dementia and had excellent baseline cognitive function. She was, however, extremely vulnerable to systemic infections and medication side effects or interactions creating confusion or worse. She had several post-hospital stints in skilled nursing rehab where the focus became stabilizing cognitive functioning. In her case, the younger and healthier she was physically, the faster the cognition returned. At times, there were temporary meds offered to help with the process. The rebounding took longer the worse her health became. So yes, there is hope, but like all things elder, it can be a moving target. For my mother, who had an ongoing need for pain management, keeping a watchful eye on medication changes and getting expert advise was critical throughout her elder years.

All the best - it is tough.

9757

I’m sorry for your situation. My mom regained a tiny bit. It took 8 weeks after being home (from hospital and in-patient rehab) to remember to stand up to pull pants up. But her overall decline has been major- she went from independent to extremely dependent. If I don’t tell her to get up, change her, help her dress, remind her to eat, she would just stay in bed all day and night.

9758

Thanks, I am reading this thread and trying to become more pro-active instead of following her lead . Starting to understand she probably won’t lead in this area.

9759

Coming out of lurkdom here @veruca – My mother is 86 now. Four years ago she lived in her single-story ranch, taking care of all the housework and yard work (neighbors snow-blowed driveway and shoveled her walk). One fine hot and humid August day she mowed her lawn, got a call from her urologist that she had a UTI, and drove to pick up her antibiotic. We spoke on the phone that evening and she said she was confused about dosage. Since she was sometimes overwhelmed about scheduled meds she already was taking, and I was ignorant about the danger signals, I put this confusion off to personality rather than alarming symptom. When I called her the next morning and couldn’t reach her, I went to her house and found her unconscious on the bathroom floor. Cue 911.

She had a lump on the back of her head, the UTI, and was having seizures from dangerously low sodium levels. Stabilized and placed in ICU. Unconscious, unconscious, unconscious. Medical staff having conversations about what-ifs, including what does her living will say. Her eyes blinked open briefly 36 hours after she was admitted. She followed twitch-your-toes command maybe a day later. About a week afterwards, she got out of bed and told the nurse she wanted to go home. (On a CC note, we got the call with this happy news the morning newly graduated DS1 was heading to an interview for the job he landed.) She was still very weak and confused. Worried about her lawn – had she finished it? Was the mower put away? – but cooperative. After about twelve days in the hospital, she went to rehab.

Rehab was amazing. OT/PT several times a week, conscientious care, encouragement, fantastic support in making short- and long-term decisions. A month after her hospital admission, my mother made my sons’ favorite chocolate chip cookies for her OT session. A few days after that, she had a four-hour pass to come over my house for some lunch. Two weeks after that, she moved into our house. (DH and myself; DS1 living and working in a nearby city, DS2 away at school.) She was able to manage her own self-care, hygiene, dressing. Cooking her own food was a bit too much for the first couple of weeks. She asked me to handle bill paying for another month or so, then to proofread. She started taking walks in the yard, then down our sloped 1/4-mile driveway, then down our country road, a little over a half-hour a day. Did all her own self-care, menu planning, cooking, prescription organization, finances. She stopped driving for good the moment she realized she didn’t remember the drive to get abx the day before being hospitalized.

My mother lived with us for 2 1/2 years. She qualified for a subsidized apartment fifteen minutes away from us and is very, very happy there. The only thing she doesn’t do on her own is drive, and I’m a stay-at-home with the luxury of time and flexibility to run errands for and with her.

She’s five-foot-nothing, 110 pounds, has had TB and years of malnutrition (childhood and young adulthood in WWII-era Europe), has celiac, and is prone to UTIs. The UTI made her very confused. The knock on her head didn’t help. The anti-seizure medication impaired her balance so badly they discontinued it. Initially the physicians couldn’t tell us if she’d survive, or whether she’d have any cognitive ability if she did. They kept saying it’s a marathon and not a sprint, and I guess it still is, but she’s back cognitively and sounds happier than before she got sick. I have to add that the experience just rocked her, and the emotional impact jarred her confidence. The fear of a near-miss seemed immobilizing at times.

It’s terrifying to watch and not know – you’re in limbo with her. Think marathon, but the slow plodding kind. Very best wishes to you.

9760

UTI’s are a real concern in the elderly because they often don’t drink enough to keep themselves properly hydrated. If an elderly person, particularly female, is acting confused or more confused than usual, it’s a good idea to check for a UTI asap. I learned the hard way with my late aunt, who also passed out from dehydration and a UTI.

As for the car insurance issue, as long as the vehicle is insured, your ex should be okay but it might be a good idea to add him - or have him move the insurance into his own name since he might get a better rate than an elderly person.