It is pretty clear that my parents don’t know who I am but know I’m familiar and happy to see me and DH. I found a quote the other day which has been helpful to me and wanted to pass on: “The brain doesn’t remember but the heart knows.”
@HImom So hard traveling with folks in such a condition. We also found family members didn’t understand. Such a trip would be pure torture for my parents and us. Especially to cold weather! Good for you for insisting it is not a good idea and probably damaging to your parents who are trying to get used to their new living arrangements. But, I know this is one of those situations in which they have to figure this out.
We had a resident go on the deep end yesterday (verbalized a threat to herself, so immediate reason to get into psych facility). Son was in a blaming mood; his W who spends a lot of time with her MIL set him straight - that it was his mom that was having the problems, not the facility. Met him for the first time yesterday - his W is a real sweetheart, and his mom has a sweet nature but does have a strong will and at times is grumpy, but honestly if I was in her situation I would have my grumpy moments too. I told her she will get things worked out because she is a strong person. We have residents that are at our facility over 10 years and live a long time - it is resilience and attitude. Sometimes the body goes before the mind, or vice versa.
@HImom somehow your siblings don’t believe how the negatives will overshadow any joy with your parents’ travel with them, nor see their decline like you do. Even with overlooking lots of negative comments.
When MIL/FIL traveled for our DD’s wedding, I envisioned a medical emergency that would overshadow the wedding. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but it was extremely draining, even with shared responsibility once we were at the 2 night hotel stay. There were problems every day, hearing complaints every day - including FIL losing his wallet (which was found and turned in, but time/energy spent; how he dropped it when he was in a w/c when he lost it, and then didn’t realize it was lost until back at the hotel in the evening). They stayed at our home the day/night after long car travel, and the day/night after the 2 day hotel stay. When BIL’s car left our driveway, a relief was felt by H and I. It was good we had another day off to decompress.
Actually my sibs sort of know that travel is something that will challenge all of them but they are convinced it is what dad wants so they believe by going when and how they chose it prevented dad from booking other random trips which he has threatened to do several times in the past two years. They believe it gives dad great and sustained enjoyment to travel.
He and mom did a lot of traveling over the past many decades including Australia, NZ, Europe, Asia, Russia, China, North America. Dad gets an itch that since all of us kids are traveling he (and mom) should just be able to travel whenever by themselves as they used to be able to many decades ago (tho most of their travel was via organized tours like Tauk).
Dad wants whatever and wherever dad wants. He no longer has executive function nor much restraint — like a grade schooler with a CCard. They lose things easily, like wallets, IDs, etc. And have for many years.
My brother has greatly reduced the # of CCards (down to 1or 2) and the credit limit. Brother also reviews the charges online daily, so he stays on top of what dad is doing financially as much as one can. Dad and mom are used to my brothers “helping” with their financial stuff.
Dad still wants what he wants, when he wants it. Whether he will want it the next hour or day or when it’s time to do the event is anyone’s guess. Some family members ascribe emotions to dad that I honestly can’t detect and suspect they are projecting their feelings or what they want dad to feel.
Dad is oblivious to how much we all assist him to do whatever it is he and/or mom do (going to events, travel, etc) and doesn’t ever think about how his desires or actions affect anyone else. He feels he can do anything he wants, whenever he wants and is annoyed when any of us oppose his plans/ideas by pointing out none of us can drop everything to accompany him.
If your siblings would cooperate, maybe you could all “plan” a trip that will be wonderful, exciting, and always a few months in the future. Just plan and plan away for the next few years, as long as no actual tickets get bought.
No, dad wants to buy the tickets first and then mention it to us while everyone panics and tries to figure out what to do. So far we have generally been able to re-direct him and not lose cash, but it’s an ongoing challenge.
In theory, the suggestion to have a trip “soon” that keeps being just slightly in the future sounds good but don’t think it will work with dad.
What would happen if he bought tickets somewhere and no one could/would go with them?
My in laws were avid travelers for years. They took a last cruise some time in his 90s and he made the arrangements as he always did, we advised against it as she was prone to falling and taking a cruise to a place they had been before seemed like very little payoff for the risk of falls causing permanent life style changes. Their caregiver went with them, but the whole thing was a mess, because he was too cheap or forgot or something and did not get the handicapped room, therefore the door was too narrow for the wheelchair, meaning standing her up (200# of dead weight) every time they went in and out. That was frustrating and exhausting. No one was hurt or anything serious, but it was a lousy trip and he never tried to book another.
You mentioned previously that your dad is not able to use a computer well. How is he buying tickets? I always had comfort in the fact that dad did not have the executive function to plan a trip.
He IS able to use the computer a bit, enough to do what he wants (he can get folks to help him get on the computer as well), plus he reads ads on the newspaper or wherever he finds them. They have NO caregiver and it would be very dangerous for them to travel without someone to help them get in the right lines and on the right planes, at a minimum, plus packing and finding their lodging and everything else. They sometimes get lost at their place where they’ve been living for months.
Dad can also use the phone and call the travel agent or airline to book whatever bargain he gets into his head.
Dad grumbles about most of the trips but feels he should be able to do what he wants which includes being able to travel when and where the whim strikes, especially if it’s a “good deal.”
I guess what I am saying is that if they could have a disaster trip where nothing actually bad happened to them, but they were miserable, that might cure them?
@HImom It sounds like this may be more of a spending issue, which you have mention in the past, rather than a travel issue since, if they bought something, they probably could not pack nor carry out the trip since they weren’t even aware why you were there. Good luck with that spending issue as I know your family is working on this. Plus, with a memory issue, It’s interesting that your sis thinks a trip will resolve this. Has your dad always had a spending problem? If not, think frontal temporal dementia or perhaps alcohol.
My parent’s could usually be cured of doing stuff life driving once something embarrassing happens that was due to poor executive function. Even driving. The last time he threatened to travel by himself I dared him to try. Since I know he could not get to step one to purchase tickets, it was a pretty safe bet.
You wrote that your brother checks online daily for any CC activity. Another possibility for more immediate activity awareness would be if the CC provider has options for setting up account alerts. I have my CC account settings such that I get a text and email anytime a CC purchase over $1 is made (the $ amount is user defined, so could be $50, $100, …). Another alert is sent if an online purchase is made with my CC.
Depending on the spending habits and needs of your parents, would it be possible to have the credit limit of your dad’s CC lowered so that the cost of potential large trip purchases would be rejected?
It sounds like a challenging situation with your dad. Good luck.
Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. We all just got 16 photos of all of them on the trip. Several photos of everyone smiling, including the folks. He will likely want more trips after this one.
Hugs, Himom. You’re trying your best and trying to set limits, as well.
One thing. When MIL didn’t get it, D would pay opera videos and, for her, it gave the opera experience. She couldn’t really process the difference from going to a theater but was satisfied. I wonder if some good travel videos could do it for your father. Long ones, maybe Natl geographic. (Or would that set him to planning?)
Nah, he doesn’t like watching videos or movies or anything but some sports on TV. He admits he’s already been pretty much everywhere they wanted to go—often multiple times. He just wants to go whenever and wherever he wants and doesn’t see why it’s of concern to anyone else.
He doesn’t perceive how much help he gets to carry out what he wants—people buying tickets and making reservations for him and mom, clearing their schedules and flying with them and having hotel rooms adjoining or near, obtaining and preparing clothing, and pretty much everything. He is very impulsive and loves”good deals.” Wanting to book travel is part of it.
My older sis has already told him mom is afraid to travel with him unaccompanied by other escorts but we are all still concerned he MAY still try to do something rash.
I just spent the weekend at a conference on dementia. It is based on a protocol not typical for western medicine developed by Dr. Bredesen outlined in his book “End Alzheimer’s.”
@GTalum was there a “take away” that surprised you?
I wanted to update on my Mom. I posted months ago that my Mom had fallen and fx her spine. Her recovery was complicated and she was confused. I was worried that this was the beginning of the end so to speak.
However she is much much better now! It took a good 5 months but she started driving again a couple of weeks ago.
She still isn’t quite as sharp as she used to be - I wouldn’t want her doing anything but local trips. She isn’t confused however and seems to understand “old information” very well.
New information seems a bit harder for her to process.
I wanted to thank you all for being supportive.