so sorry for your loss, @SouthFloridaMom9
@rockvillemom That is a helpful article. I was fortunate in that my parents made a decision to move to a CCRC so they would not be a burden. Fortunately, that worked well for 4 years and allowed them to be independent for longer than if they lived alone. After that, there is no doubt they could not make decisions and despite this, it’s the hardest thing I have ever done.
I’m so sorry @SouthFloridaMom9. I’m in the same boat. My FIL passed away suddenly last Monday. The past week has been a blur.
@psychmomma -sorry for your family’s loss. All good thought to you.
Oh no @psychmomma. 
I’m so sorry for your loss.
so sorry, @psychmomma.
Sorry @SouthFloridaMom9 and @psychmomma and all who are struggling. It’s so hard to lose loved ones. Wishing all of you peace and healing through this time.
@psychmomma , so sorry for your loss and the suddenly makes it really hard.
So sorry @psychmomma ! @rockvillemom I finally got a chance to read the link you posted. I definitely was in denial with my Dad, despite his neighbors telling me I needed to do something. It took a crisis for me to act. I will definitely try and not make the same mistake with my mom, MIL and FIL.
Condolences, psychomomma.
It was MIL’s friends who clued us in. They were the ones who saw her lags, when she lived at home. We were further away, saw her on visits, not day to day.
Same in AL. Her friends told us of needing to remind her, eg, of daily meals or plans they’d made. To us, she could say what she’d eaten the night before or things she’d done and we couldnt tell it wasnt real.
So glad to find this thread. I feel like i am the very thin and fading jelly between two very very thick pieces of bread. A little back ground. I’m currently have a much beloved bf and 17 yr old dd.
My dd father , my ex is morbidly obese and dd will have nothing to do with him anymore. It really hurts dd as she loves him very much but as any teenager she is extremely embarrassed by him and feels like if he loved her he would do something about it. He makes much more money than I do but due to his obesity some of his paychecks have been 1/4 of mine lately. I worry about how to pay for college for my dd and having to everything for her(school functions, dr anything like that) as she doesnt want her dad around her .
My mother is in a nursing home with dementia over 2 hours away from me. She recognizes me but all her memories of me are gone. I will go and she will ask me things like “do you know why I’m afraid of cats”. She doesn’t remember dd or her other grandkids. She is happy which i am grateful for but it just kills me to see her like this. It’s hard for me to get there and I feel extremely guilty about this!!!
Now on to bf’s family(bf and I are engaged and live together). He was raised in a very old school 3rd generation to this country Italian family(more why this matters in a minute). In late August his mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer with that had spread to the brain and liver. We lost her Oct 15th. She was only 73. She had stepped in and became my surrogate mom. I really really miss her.
His dad who is 88 was raised as Italian men where in the “old country”. He was waited on hand and foot. He never did anything (thank goodness him mom raised the boys differently). He is now living by himself on the family farm. He can drive but we worry about him falling or getting hurt as he refuses to carry a cell phone with him.
He will not cook and he is not eating properly for his diabetes.
He can still drive in town but refuses to do small things that would help himself out and is driving bf’s younger brother insane.
He wants him to go grocery shopping every day, out to eat every day etc.
I have tried to tell the boys that we have to get him meals on wheels, a house keeper or him into assisted living. They both say well he wont want to go. I’ve tried tell them that roles have now reversed we are the parents and he is the child. That we have to look after him, he asked df’s brother for $1100 the last two weeks, with the brother paying all the bills a red flag just started screaming in my head! They are have some money and I dont want his dad to get taken advantage of.
I guess I could deal with it better if I was in my old job where I had 6 weeks of PTO but I was laid off and I’m in a new job where i have 2 weeks and if i want to go to an appointment i have to take time off, i just cant make it up like I used to be able to. I feel like i can’t even get sick.
Sorry for the whine (yes I would like some cheese! 
) LOL! Just needed to get it off my chest!
Oh, @Kemmomma , I don’t have any suggestions right now, but I feel for you. What a load you and your boyfriend are bearing! Whine all you want!
@Kemmomma regarding the Dad and where he lives. There is a weird no mans land between the stage where a person is fully competent to make decisions and where anyone would agree (including their doctor or a court at a conservator hearing) that they are incompetent. So much can go wrong in that spooky transition time.
For DH, he encouraged his parents for literally decades to move out of their home and into assisted living, it was really annoying to them. When they finally did go to assisted living, they had waited too long They were not energetic enough to really connect with new friends. However, they wanted to remain in their home and die in their home and they felt that way for a good 20 years so even the last few years, when he was no longer making good choices, well, his remaining in the home was consistent with their long time wishes. I am not sure how much sooner we could have forced the issue, the move out was forced by us kids and it was ugly. It was ugly for the entire final year of his life, including threats to cut people out of the family, calls to the police about stealing the car, etc. I am honestly not sure we could have made it happen any sooner, though it would have been safer, it would not have been worth the misery, and he made everyone miserable.
We decided early on, about ten years ago, that if they want to die in their home, that is their right, even if that means they die sooner than they would in assisted living. I cannot even tell you all the things we tried to do to help which were undone as soon as we turned our backs. We lucked out that the hired aide did not take any more advantage of him financially than he offered, she could have taken so much more than the ridiculous amounts of money and gifts that he offered.
Y’all need to determine how much power you have to make him change, how much fight you are willing to take on, and also determine the safety factors and do they affect anyone other than him? Farm animals?
It’s not worth it to fight an unwinnable battle nor to turn the battle into a war. If he decides to stay in his home, can he afford help? If so, is he willing to accept it and can you be the one who brings them in, to whom they are loyal?
@Kemmomma Both my parents also have dementia and recognize me, but don’t know me. In fact, when I went over 3 days ago, I don’t think they even recognized me. I would not feel guilty. You are doing for your mom what you can and you know she is in a safe place. When my parents were 30 minutes away it was difficult. I did move them 1 mile away and so much easier, but I feel bad if I don’t see them every 2 days or so. Anyway, the guilt we all feel is unnecessary.
As to your bf’s father, they boys will have to make a decision with what they are comfortable with and no, it’s not an ideal situation. But, I would make sure he is a safe driver. The only way that can be determined is to drive with him.
Oh gosh @Kemmomma, vent away. Glad you found this thread.
What is it with these old school Italians? My MIL was the same way. Everybody in the extended family had opinions about how terrible it is to put your loved one in a “home”. Yet when the SHTF were they the ones dropping their entire lives to figure it all out? The day MIL left her condo for the final time to go the SNF was one of the worst days of my husband’s life. He loved his mom dearly, and hated knowing that she was leaving the home she loved so much. He waited as long as he could - probably too long by 6 months to a year. This was after a year or two of hiring help (that we paid out of pocket for, gladly).
It’s sad but at some point you have to do what is best for that elderly person. Sometimes they are truly not safe in their own home and they don’t have the mental competency to figure out or accept solutions (help, etc.). It’s awful but that doesn’t change reality.
@Kemmomma sorry you are dealing with such issues.
MIL/FIL were happy for meals on wheels being available because it meant they had meals 5 days/week and they could stay in their home. MIL could hire local people to come and clean (and deep clean) as needed. MIL was slowly getting to where doing laundry was a strain.
A cousin was coming once a week, and getting MIL/FIL to MD visit and MIL to grocery store. Neighbors kept an eye on them and one does their lawn (and stores his 4 wheeler etc) in their garage and carport. One has a snow blower and cleans their walk ways.
Then MIL could not help FIL with shower. Finally got them to agree (really we all had to gather there) to have a hired CNA come in three other days, and cousin is coming 2 days. MIL pretended she was asleep in her chair when the CNA met with FIL/sons. CNA is a lovely person and a great fit.
Having help come into the home is typically most cost effective.
Finding the right help is key, and perhaps start gradually with the most important. Meals on wheels was our first step.
FIL/MIL complained about these transitions, but the 2 sons that live closer do get through to them. If they can’t be in their home, their only option is skilled care (nursing home) and they strongly want to stay at home.
Once one passes, the other may be living with one of us (or stay several months one place, go on to next). We have to see how it goes. Even if needing skilled care, I can handle one at our home…we could get a hospital bed, etc. FIL’s dad was very happy at home town nursing home when he was in his 90’s - he actually probably knew he was going to die during the night and talked the staff into letting him sit in his chair longer that evening. Sweet guy. MIL will want to stay with family. FIL, IDK.
About staying in their homes or ours and what we do to make that possible: it isn’t always what’s really best. At the hospice facility, we see so many who think they can take care of an elder. But that family member isnt a medical pro, doesn’t know issues and how to recognize and manage them before they flare, isn’t always near the bedside, interacting, etc.
I routinely hear from family members that they thought moving an elder was a betrayal or selfish. Then they see the actual improved care. They realize.
It depends on the situation you’re dealing with and what stage, what losses in self care. But it helps to try to be somewhat rational (not always as easy as it sounds. ) Not just emotional.
It is a difficult decision to move elders. My mom’s life was drastically curtailed by having to move to an ALF for my dad. But it had to be done. Caring for him literally hospitalized her. I don’t like hearing people say, “I could never put my parent in a home” Until you’ve walked in my shoes, don’t judge.
Today I stopped by (I try to stop by every other day) and discovered that the facility has an outbreak of norovirus So I just dropped off my package to mom and left. She is going nuts being quarantined with dad 24/7. She really needs to go to the activities and get out and see other people. I will have to see if they will let me take her out to lunch or something. I hope this doesn’t last long but my friend said last time it was 10 DAYS!!
I am very thankful for the psychiatrist who told me, very bluntly, that there was no way I could meet my Dads needs at home. I still feel guilty sometimes, but the reality is that he definitely needs 24 hr care.
I, for one, have been incredibly hurt by family members who have said “oh I could NEVER put my parent in a home.”
It makes me want to ask - OK, so do you have all the insurance in place for caregivers in your home who have to lift a full-grown person several times a day and who could easily injure themselves? Do you have to ability to get doctors to your house? Do you have the 24/7 availability to transport the person to 3-4 different health care providers (don’t forget the dentist either!). Are you able to prepare every meal and feed it to the person? Do you have the lift equipment for bathing the person properly?
If there is severe dementia, do you have the availability and physical ability to stop the person from eloping down a major busy street in a big city?
No I should not let ignorant comments hurt me so much.