There are sometimes few good options as people age and need more and more assistance but fight mightily against options to make them safer.
I am relieved my folks are at a SR community that provides regular, nutritious meals but it has its own issues, including a social scene where there is gossip and more. It is a safer setting and there are increasing levels of care as residents need it, from independent to full nursing home and memory care.
For the most part, they are happy there but moved too late to engage in most of the activities the place offers.
You can do them more good if you grieve with them for the independence they have lost, than if you let them (or other relatives) make you feel guilty for “taking” it from them. You aren’t taking anything for them, and you aren’t responsible for the deterioration in their physical and cognitive health. But it is heartbreaking to watch, and you need to acknowledge that.
Allowing people to remain in places where they are physically incapable of being safe is NOT a kindness or good for anyone. It is difficult but often the best or least bad among the options for them to be moved somewhere they can have needed care.
It’s easy for people to say, “I would never…” until they are faced with unattractive options themselves.
My ex-husband is his parents’ full-time live-in caregiver and has been for several years. Ex-FIL and MIL are both 91. My ex’s blood pressure is 180 over something. He might die before they do. I’m very distressed by the situation and by the codependent relationship between my ex and his dad (his mom has Alzheimer’s disease).
DD is a RN and I am a RN who works in a skilled care facility.
People often don’t accept decline very well. Don’t want to change. Don’t like the limitations.
The ones that do the best are resilient and who can stay cheerful. Can embrace what quality of life they have.
If someone needs skilled care and a facility is where they will receive the care they need, it is a necessary move.
We have residents that did well up to a certain point at home or in their DD/DS’s home or nearby apt; then they got too weak to be able to walk or do ADLs.
We have family members that visit very often - some every day. Many are so thankful there is a full care option near them that takes very good care of their loved one.
Death is bitter sweet - relief but also true grief.
I don’t see the paradigm changing much. Medicare/Medicaid paying for skilled care facility when one’s resources run out for home care or some other option between home and skilled care.
Agree with statement above: It’s easy for people to say, “I would never…” until they are faced with unattractive options themselves.
A friend’s mother is living with them now - her paid for house is in another state. She was hospitalized locally and had some rehab days - but since she is not improving enough, needed to move on to another option. This is her only child. They have care coming in during the day when they are at work. They are gently approaching her with getting her home sold. She has hung on to it too long and was aging in place too long. This lady talks more to her caretakers about accepting the changes. I guess therapy by talking. This couple is having trouble with HS son. Their jam between the sandwich is wearing thin.
My folks are fortunate they don’t HAVE to sell or rent their home while they live in the SR community. My dear brother and SisIL keep maintaining it, but it’s a lot of work for them.
My friend’s father knocked on the door of a neighbor (a few blocks away) in the middle of the night. Friend has been working to get dad into AL, and was getting close. I’m so afraid that he will be too far into dementia and he won’t be allowed to move into an ALF and will have to go into a dementia facility. He’s also had a silver alert, other confused visits to neighbors. Her mom, parents are divorced, will also have to move into an ALF or dementia facility soon. It’s only her - brother won’t participate in decisions or care.
I fully understand wanting to stay in one’s home, but safety and security have to take priority. My sisters and I couldn’t give up our jobs and buy new or remodel or homes so our mom could live with us when she wasn’t able to care for herself. It happened so fast. I wish we’d talked seriously about aging and the facts of ill health.
As a person who moved her parents recently to a long-term care facility, you do what you need to do. Any criticism from family and what I would tell my mom as she obsessively packed after the move, “it is fine to move to another place. But it needs to be a place where your meals are made and someone makes sure you remember to eat, someone makes sure you take your medication, someone is able to bring dad to the bathroom or clean up when he can’t make it, someone to keep dad from getting lost, and if you want to be together, a place that will allow both of you to move in together.” If a critical family member could find a better place to meet those needs, more power to them.
Also, there is no way I could manage, by myself, my dad’s mental status changes and energetic wandering 24/7. It really does take a village and with few family members around, I didn’t have any options. My dad is an overgrown toddler and mom is 3 or 4. You would not let your children make such decisions, why your compromised elders?
Just to note, temporary care does not work for dementia. If you need assistance at 2PM, you need it at 2AM as we found electrical cords cut with dad trying to “fix” things. Additionally, those with dementia, do not know how to call for help. Mom would have bruises from falling but never remembered falling to tell someone. Dad didn’t recognize the medical alert systems while mom didn’t have the problem solving capabilities to use it. Certainly, if it was just physical compromise, getting help for ADLs and someone making sure they went to the dining room would have been fine.
@zeebamom It seems unlikely that friends father is appropriate for assisted living. If he does for some reason qualify, please encourage your friend to consider the memory care unit so he does not need to be moved twice.
Kemmomma, I am sorry that your daughter doesn’t want to interact with her father due to his weight. The mobidly obese often have metabolic problems. My friend refused to go to Europe with her mom because her mom was overweight. She thought that would encourage her to diet. She died a few years later from non weight related issues and my friend still regrets the lost travel/memory opportunities with her mom. I hope your daughter will reconnect with her dad before it’s too late. Hope the other issues with the inlaws resolve.
Help, I’m looking for shoes for my dad. The care home has told me dad needs a pair of slip on shoes. They need a back as the ones without are a trip hazard and the sneakers require someone to lace them. He is between sizes so I plan to buy several styles and sizes at Zappos where returns are easy. His feet don’t swell and doesn’t need extra wide. What should I get?
That’s a good idea. I’ll put that in his cart. We do want to discourage him from bending to make adjustments as he is not aware of how bad his balance is.
@GTalum we just sent DH’s brother (in Mem Care) some LLBean slippers. They are leather and look like loafers, but fuzzy inside so he doesn’t have to wear socks… he NEVER has any socks left and doesn’t like them so I think he hides them.
My sister took mom to the doctor and told them to have ME get mom a walker that she refuses to use.
The doctor’s office called me this morning and were trying to follow up and I said I didn’t honestly see the point if my mom told sister and the doctor she refuses to use a walker. The office staff hung up on me while I was talking to them, as uncooperative and noncompliant.
I have already given mom three canes which she NEVER used and has “lost.” I really don’t see the point. Years ago, we took her regularly to physical therapy to try to help her gain strength and she proudly and defiantly refused to attempt to do ANY of the exercises they taught hr.
Currently mom prefers to have a very uncomfortably tight grip on any nearby person and refuses canes and walkers, no matter what folks say.
@ManhattanBoro he was wearing a boat shoe but apparently it’s rubbing the top of a toe raw so I need something with a wider toe box. I think a pair of slippers @esobay would also be a good idea. He does prefer to just slip a foot into a shoe and socks are a talisman at times, things he just carries around, as opposed to wearing on feet.
@HImom my parents are the same way although they would do the exercises if they remembered to to them. But learning to use a walker would be impossible. What I would do is go ahead and get one, either an inexpensive one with wheels and seat (about $100 at Costco) or a used one that aren’t too hard to find and ubiquitous at our hospice flea market, bring it over and tell her the doctor asked you to get it, and when she doesn’t use it, at least you did your assigned part and there is less friction.
When I wrote moccasins, I was thinking of the type that esobay referred to.
They are made of shearling. Double check the type of sole. The moccasin can be made only of sheepskin OR have a rubber-type sole. I’d recommend the latter.
I have shearling slippers that are open in the back, so not appropriate for your dad. The sheepskin makes them very comfy & warm. Excellent now that it’s winter.
And, the non-sheep skin sole grips well because there’s a tread molded into the sole. I got my pair years ago from Eddie Bauer. My guess is LLBean or other vendors, like Lands End and Ugg, would also have shearling moccasins.
