My dad had a gout flare-up last year and I got him some Crocs. They are ridiculously ugly but he loves them.
@GTalum, nope, I called my sister and asked whether mom agreed to use the walker and she said no, mom refused. I suggested that if she wants to get mom the walker over mom’s refusal she call the doc’s office today as they’re open 1/2 day on Saturdays. I mentioned I’ve never had any success getting mom to do anything she refused but more power to sis if she can.
What about some sort of occupational therapist who takes on the task, under some guise? Doc-ordered, third party, not family.
Yes, there is a durable medical equipment company who could be involved, I believe but it wasn’t clear if one has to go there or they come to the patient and what service they provide. If they just measure the patient and just leave a piece of equipment it will just be shoved off to the side somewhere and “disappear.”
If one has to coordinate to be present when they drop it off or you have to get the patient to the company that’s just more coordinating which is tricky with an uncooperative patient.
@GTalum , you might want to check out Footsmart.com. They have all types of shoes for people with various kinds of foot issues (as well as regular shoes for people WITHOUT foot issues). I find them somewhat expensive but you can get ideas here and then shop other sites for similar styles.
Check out the slip-on shoes here -
https://www.footsmart.com/c/mens-slip_on?n=9999
Something like these might work -
https://www.footsmart.com/p/abeo_arden/5787-0113?pid=10363
https://www.footsmart.com/p/ecco_transit_slip_on/5530-3481?pid=5477
https://www.footsmart.com/p/kenneth_cole_caleb/5510-7200?pid=14316
My mom used to refuse to use a wheelchair or walker, too. It was maddening. She was so slow and unsteady and also death-gripped your arm. It took her progressing further in her dementia and weakness (after a hospitalization) to finally use these things. And even with memory issues, she was able to learn to use the walker. Of course she has to be told everything - stand up, use your walker, walk this way into the kitchen, etc.
@GTalum - On the shoes, my father had a few pairs of Old Friend suede wool lined velcro slippers with grippy soles. They were comfortable and shoe like enough to work for him. He was in nursing home care and they occasionally threw them in the wash (doubt that was recommended), but they still held up.
@HImom - my father was doing the grip and grab routine when I sought a PT assessment for him. He had almost pulled me down and then grabbed a store shelf. Dangerous. PT immediately fit him for the right walker for his specific needs; recommend that input as the walker itself can be its own best salesperson and PT can teach how to use it. Despite his memory loss, he appreciated the function of it.
While the family doesn’t have the power to enforce walker use directly, you do have another option after getting an appropriate walker in her residence. “I’d love to take you out, but don’t feel I can ensure OUR safety unless you can rely on something other than me to walk comfortably.” “Our Drs are very concerned about this way of you getting around; I’m afraid we have to opt out.” And then adhere to it. She may well try it (perhaps more readily without family observers, saving face can be at play) and like the confidence it gives her. Elder falls are particularly distressing and some can’t be avoided; prevention is worth a try. This need generally only increases over time.
This echoes a recent thread of how to handle dealing with a really difficult elderly parent.
This past week’s events have made interactions with my MIL (in her early 80’s) way more hands-on.
Background, DH and I are both only children, and he works out of state, gets home maybe once a month for a weekend. I’m up here in New England with both widowed moms living within 45 minutes. MIL is in a McMansion she had custom built fifteen years ago after FIL died. She is very self-absorbed and our relationship ranges from painful because of her toxic emissions to cordial and superficial.
Last week she dinged her car on a tree near her driveway; it was getting dark and she winged the side mirror. But she kind of froze up about it. When her contractor (jill of all trades) came by and found out, she went behind MIL’s back and called me. So I got involved in midwifing her through calling insurance company, calling the mechanic to get them to come pick up the car so she wouldn’t have to drive it, rescheduling a doctor’s appointment she couldn’t make.
In the midst of this, praise Goddess, MIL is deciding to move forward with a move to a fantastic nearby CCRC. She’s got approved and has been meeting with staff . . . but, again, froze up at the next step, which is visiting and selecting a residence. I had told her I’d be glad to take her, but she seems to have gotten overwhelmed about actually doing that. She told her contact at the CCRC things that led this contact to believe we weren’t interested in helping her. So the contact called me with MIL’s permission and got the straight context, which is that I leap tall administrative and logistical buildings and am willing to do so for MIL. We’ll set up an appointment in January. MIL had wanted to downsize first, but she’s just getting too bewildered with even keeping a normal household routine running. CCRC staff and I have both been encouraging her to move to the CCRC, have movers come and pack up whatever she doesn’t take with her and put it in storage, and I’ll bring her a box at a time so she can downsize in comfort.
And bills? She’s got a couple that might be overdue and called me Friday afternoon to tell me she ran out of checks. When I get her for her appointment, I’ll take the bills, pay them with our (DH and mine) credit card, and just have MIL reimburse us. She sounded incredulous that I’d be willing to help her that way.
Organizationally this is all a piece of cake for me. Emotionally it’s hard. MIL has called me a liar, possessive and neurotic, and feels truly threatened and unloved when someone doesn’t do precisely what she wants them to do. The nuts and bolts of our transactions will actually help me keep things from getting too charged with her, but working so closely with someone who has sent poison at my husband, kids, and me through the years is really hard.
Himom, I wasn’t thinking a tech from the DME company who spends 15 minutes, one and done. Rather an occupational or physical therapist, a few appointments, a doctor’s orders, same as if some other issue needed a pro, a 3rd party.
@HouseChatte - may this all be easier once she is situated in her CCRC. It’s usually liberating to not fly solo with such personalities. She is lucky to have you and maybe the move will reduce the height of the buildings you have to leap over.
I think the decision to move from home to any sort of CCRC/IL/AL/etc is incredibly overwhelming, especially when you remember that the reason for the move is likely both physical and mental decline, with executive function being the first to go. They need help, they don’t want help; they need to move, but they want to stay; and they are not thinking clearly, especially not big picture. So, they hold on with all their might to the little routine things.
Very frustrating, but keep your eye on the final goal and work your way there, avoid skirmishes that are not critical to the end result.
Ok. I wasn’t at the MD appt with mom and sis. It didn’t sound like the MD’s office was trying to set up any ongoing services or training and sis said it was just to gave mom “fitted” for walker. I didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever the MD, sister and mom had discussed.
I agree that IF she would agree to have some training by OT or PT for several sessions AND willing to use a walker it would be ideal. How to get to that point is the big mystery. She is very stubborn and at this point very opposed to a walker.
@HImom - is it possible that discussions in the abstract are no longer the best way to move things forward with your mother, at least on this issue? Sounds like she’s digging in without giving the recommendation a chance. Maybe there is a way to get a PT assessment minus the foregone conclusion of the walker being presented at the outset. Then, if the walker is raised, the PT can have her try it and see what she thinks. They are often very good at smoothing these circumstances over. For some, the resistance is looking “old”.
I can feel the weariness that sets in when you have not only a sometimes unable to cooperate elder, but also a Greek chorus of siblings making it even more complex. You are navigating lots of challenges and have my empathy. Sharing the burdens with a PT may help. I had to learn to rely on such resources, as my first tendency was to take on all the elder dilemmas myself. Sometimes, there were pleasant surprises.
Check out eleastic laces. Avilable online or from physical/occupational therapist. My dad did better with these:
https://www.footsmart.com/p/hush_puppies_gus/5510-8770?pid=7915
with elastic laces than he did with velcro. Once you get the elastic lacs set they are easy to slip on becasue they open wide.
@HImom I am not sure how it all works, but the MD at my Dads Memory Care has ordered Physical Therapy for my dad. They come to him, he loves it and Medicare pays for it.
@HouseChatte I get it. 18 months ago I unexpectedly became in charge of my dad’s life. His wife left him and he took a spectacular downward spiral into dementia. My guess is it started years before she left, but we were kept in the dark. He was never super nice and often disinterested. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that there is no way he would do half of what I do for him. But I try to instead to treat him how I would want to be treated.
Thanks–will see some of my siblings tomorrow and see whether we can try to use a physical therapist who visits them at their SR community. It’s one thing for folks to agree that “something” needs to be done but another entirely to get the patient to cooperate. I believe there are some practitioners who DO regularly visit the SR community and perhaps one of them may be persuasive. Today, she was steadier than usual and didn’t take my arm for the first 3/4s of our visit. Thanks for the suggestions and support. It is definitely a challenge.
I did put nightlights into both bathrooms that are activated when the bathrooms are dark because mom was using the bathroom in pitch blackness. She did remember to turn the bathroom light on and off twice today.
You are right @travelnut. Dad’s incontinence is giving the caregivers such a problem and the director was preparing for a big intervention about wearing disposable incontinence briefs. It turns out he accepted them like it was a routine thing. She was relieved, but somewhat bothered about all the preparation she put into the issue.
New here, caring for my dad who has NPH and dementia and is in AL…this is my second round as I cared for my mother in my house until she went to hospice and died from brain cancer in 2010. I have 3 kids, a senior and two other high schoolers and a fairly stressful full time job…same as many others…after my mom passed away my brother and I were not on speaking terms due to conflicts around care for her…we were able to work together around my dad until this summer…by working together I mean I asked for help and he did about 20% of the time. He rarely visits my dad and I decided to stop asking or providing info to see what would happen…I haven’t heard from him since June when my dad was hospitalized on Father’s day and he criticized me for being at the hospital and not at home with my husband. When asked if HE planned on staying he said no…he has no clue as to how this whole process works and thinks things magically happen in the medical/care world…
Long story short…I am super angry that he travels and enjoys life (no kids) as I and my family have such added stress…any words of wisdom for how I can change my thinking to survive…the holidays are extra challenging as I don’t like the idea of my dad being alone but he doesn’t do well here and until a room in memory care opens up that means someone has to work from the care agency on the holidays which makes me feel bad too…ugh…
Aekmom,I am so sorry you are joining our club of struggling caretakers. All I can suggest is therapy, therapy, therapy! When I had to bring my dad and stepmother to my small apartment up 2 flights of stairs in Brooklyn, NYC when they lost power after Hurricane Sandy, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to find another place for my high school junior daughter to stay–just impossible here. I had two crazy brothers (one since passed away), both additional burdens each in his own way.
After two weeks, I brought my dad and stepmother home and got my daughter back, and I could not relax. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. So I asked around and was fortunate to find an amazing therapist who really, transformed my life. My dad and I had a complicated relationship. Every time I went to his house I felt like there was some kind of electric field that would kill me if I stayed too long. But there was no one else to take care of them.
My therapist told me that I could deal with my feelings about my dad before he died or after, but it would be much easier to do before. We worked through 65 years of history and I was pretty much at peace when he passed away. Plus I became a much more effective human being. Of course it wasn’t easy but I am so grateful.
It sounds like you are crazy-busy but if you can find the time to meet with a therapist (and of course find a great one!), it could be a really good investment in yourself. You deserve it!
So sorry, @Aekmom. I can totally relate. Sounds just like my brother, who was not only unwilling to do anything to help with either of our parents, but if he did ever stick his nose in it usually made matter much worse.
Separate issue- cognitive effects from NPH can often be reversed if the patients is successfully shunted. Is your dad a candidate or a shunt?