We used one of the slide over benches for the short time my dad lived with us. Amazon even sells special shower curtains for that type of set up. We had a tub shower but I think it would work with a step in one as well.
I have been reading long, but haven’t posted in quite a while; chaos in my office life, had to terminate my bookkeeper for doing things that dishonest bookkeepers do and then hire a new one. My mother would love nothing better than having a tub, but other than using a lift system of some kind, I don’t see getting her in and out of one. When we built the house we put a very large shower in her bathroom; there is a built-in bench, but her caregiver uses a shower chair because it’s easier for her.
I empathize with the desire for a sibling or two to bounce things off of. My brother was taking money from our mother until I threatened to have him arrested for elder abuse, then he started downhill mentally and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. So I am basically an only child, but he is named as co-executor in her will. When the time comes, I guess it will be interesting, but I have excellent attorneys to fall back on. My daughter is a huge help, but she has a husband and three children and is going for a long-desired college degree. I lost both husband and son several years ago, then had to take on my husband’s company. Some days, it’s just putting one foot in front of another, but Mom does have a great caregiver for when I am at work and when I absolutely have to be out of the house otherwise.
Our lives are truly not our own.
@mykidsgranny Can’t your mother change her will now and name you the only executor, heading off possible complications and legal wrangles later? Not sure how involved that would be, but my sister and I asked our parents to do the same–just pick one of us–and they were able to alter their wills in what seemed to be a quick and easy process. It’s possible I missed something up-thread that would make doing this impossible, and if so, just ignore!
Her mom would have to be determined to be mentally competent to change the will. I have not been able for my parents to make legal changes in the past 3 years.
@mykidsgranny amazing that you have such a good caregiver with all you have going on. I am also thankful for the wonderful caregivers at my parent’s care home. They truly give TLC to my parents always.
Flu going on at work (skilled care facility)…my night shift relief Saturday came back too soon from the flu and called in sick for Sunday. One of the nurses yesterday left work sick and was confirmed flu - she is diabetic and her BS was over 500, YIKES…Ass’t Director of Nursing relieved the sick nurse, and another nurse manager is pulling a shift today. Theraflu is helpful for residents feeling better…know via others elsewhere that Influenza A and Influenza B have confirmed cases. Theraflu is very helpful on getting folks feeling better, but have to get it prescribed and started right away. Can tell when residents are felling better - old behaviors return…
H on the Dayquil/Nightquil drill. Now he has cut back - ringing in the ears.
Another helpful OTC drug is Mucinex (contains 600 mg of Guaifenesin, expectorant) or Mucus Extended Release (1200 mg of Guaifenesin). If getting OTC cough medicine, look for this active ingredient. I have enough congestion and body aches to take Dayquil just before going to work which has been very helpful in feeling good/getting through the shift.
Flu is also going on at my parent’s care home. Both the director and her husband were covering shifts yesterday.
Seems to me it would be the other way around- tht her on would have to be deemed incompetent in order to to be able to change her will.
I guess it’s time for me to make my first post in this thread - mom fell and was hospitalized on Christmas Eve and is now in a rehab facility. I’m not a caregiver and I’m the absent sibling - we’re in PA and mom is in FL. But I can envision needing guidance, so here I am.
My brother is thankfully in a much better place to help out, in most every way. He’s the adored younger child – and the son, for starters. I’m the oldest, and the black sheep daughter (the only liberal in the family). So mom has issues with me already.
Plus, brother is divorced and his only kid is an adult. I’ve got two teens and a full-time job that requires a three-plus-hour commute every day.
And he’s comfortably loaded, whereas we’re constantly in financial crisis mode.
Mom is needing rehab b/c she’s seriously weak. She’s had bad arthritis for decades and has been essentially living on her couch for years, using a walker to get around and driving up until about a month ago, when things got much, much worse. She developed major edema in her legs and god-knows-what else. Not sure what caused the edema – likely lack of movement – they drained, like, 15 pounds of fluid from each leg while she was in the hospital. She hates doctors and doesn’t level with them when she is forced to visit them. So everything is fraught, all the time. And she’s hugely paranoid about everyone, to put it mildly.
I can’t do much from up here. I am glad my brother is there daily.
You have my sympathy. Your synopsis hits all the issues - the uncooperative elderly parent and the near vs far siblings. What type of housing was your mother in prior to the fall - was she living on her own? Time to move her to independent or assisted living?
The edema makes me think of cardiac issues. Does she take a diuretic?
Is your brother ok with the bulk of it on him or is he resentful? I think the sibling dynamic is always very tough. There is generally one doing most of the work - usually based on geography. My DH’s brother has done the bulk of the caring for their mother, causing friction between him and DH. I am stuck with my parents, causing extreme issues with my sister. It’s kind of a no win situation - the local sibling does more - the distant sibling is criticized. I get to see it from both perspectives - as we are the distant sibling in one case and the local in the other. Both situations are difficult. So, more so than advice about your mother, my best advice is communication with your brother. Thank him for being there and do what you can from afar - particularly researching care options or treatments.
I have come to realize there are no good solutions. It’s more of a balancing act to provide a humane level of care to the elderly parent while maintaining your sanity and trying to preserve sibling relationships.
@rockvillemom - thank you so much for the thoughtful reply & the support.
Mom was living at home, alone, in a 3500 sq-foot split-level house.
The floor where she lived on her couch - the middle floor - has no bathroom. So she had finally given in and gotten one of those potty chairs, and that’s what she fell off…
She had refused all pleas to get home help, refused to use a life alert-type device, etc. She also had refused decades ago to even countenance the thought of long-term care insurance; she said she would never want to live anywhere else.
And so now, here we are, and she probably cannot go back there. I really hope I have learned from her example, and also other examples of elderly people that I have seen do this to their loved ones. HAVE A PLAN AND TRY TO PAY FOR IT.
Cardiac and diuretic - bingo. That’s a huge contributor. Combined with the total lack of movement. She is in tremendous pain from bone on bone pressure - no cartilage to speak of in her joints anymore.
Brother is overwhelmed - who wouldn’t be? - but fortunately not taking it out on me. He’s keeping a running tab of his expenses (the Medicare/additional insurance will not cover things for very long) and will be reimbursed from whatever there is when she dies. (Sale of a big house, for one)
She’s separated from my dad, who lives on the West Coast. That’s a whole 'nother issue.
Ack phone typos! person would have to e deemed incompetent in order to NOT be able to change their will. And usually a person is assumed to be competent unless determined otherwise (or if the person is so obviously impaired that the witnesses and/or attorney will not sign the will update).
Depends on the records and whether the other sib would be in a position to later contest a change.
With my grandmother, a friendly lawyer got her to sign a financial POA from her hospital bed. But there was zero contention among my mother, brother, and me. We needed it to avoid a costly guardianship process.
My gm did answer questions to indicate she understood and agreed. But did she?
@Gatormama - this scenario is so common it blows my mind. What do they think is going to happen? Denial and magical thinking simply take over.
How long will she be in rehab? What do they recommend as the next step? Sounds like she needs assisted living. Would selling the house fund a number of years in AL? What does your brother think should happen next?
@gatormama Wow, it sounds like your mom waited till her situation was no longer tenable. Certainly though with her immobility someone has been enabling her to live in such a way. Is that your brother? Or was she making the arrangements for her custodial care/shopping/food?
As LF said, the issue of competency to change a will is largely a concern only if someone contests it. In those cases, someone may try to claim “undue influence” and/or question the ability of the person to have had the capacity to understand the decision they are making. In the situation where a co-executor is now, or soon to be incompetent to function as co-executor, its seems there would be little resistance to changing the will, especially if there is a family attorney who is familiar with the client and family.
@rockvillemom and @GTalum - the rehab place she’s in is also an assisted living/nursing home place. The thought is if she can’t “graduate” rehab, she just transitions in place.
Selling the house - hmm, it’s supposed to be left to me and my brother. And since my brother is the one who lives in the area and would want to live there (great location/waterfront) – the idea was always that he’d remortgage it (it is paid for) and pay me off in cash for my half. Obv. there would be consideration of his extra care for her.
She has pretty good supplemental insurance that supposedly will pay all costs for 80 days of rehab beyond the 20 days of rehab that Medicare funds. At that point we reassess.
If she is too weak to leave, she stays there and we cash-flow it … between money she gets from my dad and social security, about 75% of the cost can probably be covered. Brother would cover the rest; get it back at estate-settling time. Brother does not think she’ll get strong enough to leave.
And yeah, it’s been easier for all of us to just kick this can down the road rather than deal with her. Until recently (about two months ago) she did her own grocery shopping (basically microwave stuff) and had a housekeeper come in once a week to clean. She has fiercely resisted all attempts to get her help. Even when she was lying on the floor and brother couldn’t move her she was yelling at him not to call an ambulance. Sigh.
If she is not able to return to her home, why hold onto it?
Brother wants to live there eventually.
Sounds good that she can just transition from rehab right to AL - that sounds easy.
House idea - brother purchases and buys you out - so he owns the house and you have a lump sum. Then you each contribute per month towards her care. Or - just sell it outright and the funds go to her care. At least she has the house and other income sources.
Reluctance to call 911 - another common trait. My aunt recently fell between bed and reaching walker - uncle tried to break her fall and he went down as well. So, they are both lying on the floor, she cannot get up, he is bleeding and aunt is yelling at him not to call 911. They are all nuts.
If she’s unable to take care of herself with the door close, as a rule AL will not take her. It is so hard to do things while in a panic.
My friend has to get her dad moved from his home asap, but he will probably end up in memory care as he has been wandering and not remembering things. Contrast with my inlaws who went into AL while they were still all there. Even though FIL is really going down hill, they are still able to get through with additional points (more $$). With SIL and us local, and on the same page, it’s much easier to deal.