It’s more an issue when he goes out to eat or to a drs office, but thanks. I just thought the article was odd to list all of these “warning signs” - but then what?
I agree, @rockvillemom. The fall risks are significant but so many older people have difficulty standing up from seats without arms; it’s unrealistic and misguided to think that none of them can live alone because of that.
I think my father actually enjoys the attention. I often hear about the waitstaff helping him up at his favorite restaurant, etc. Rather than doing any type of physical therapy to strengthen his legs, he is content to complain and depend on others to help him up. Not embarrassed at all apparently.
My former father-in-law loves attention, too, but he’s also very insistent on staying in his home, despite barely being able to walk. He has a full-time aide in the person of my ex-husband but he would not be willing to pay market wages to have a full-time, live-in, nonfamily member as an aide.
It takes core muscles to rise from sitting to standing as well as leg and arm muscles. My mom has significant difficulty rising as well but never wanted to cooperate with physical therapy in the past and I doubt she’d be willing now.
Care Suffers as More Nursing Homes Feed Money Into Corporate Webs
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/02/business/nursing-homes-care-corporate.html
My dad was recently discharged from hospital into hospice, and we didn’t realize at the time that there might be other hospice organizations out there that we could have chosen from. Luckily the one associated with this particular hospital is rated very well, but in hospital when they sit you down to talk to you about hospice and arrange for the admissions visit and all that, they don’t let you know that you have choices, at least we weren’t told that. And then after you go through all that paperwork, get the hospital bed and refrigerated box of medications and oxygen tank delivered. are you really going to change organizations after all that upheaval?
Yes. No one will know the first time through this process about choices. Unfortunately this is not my first through hospice with a loved one. I was able to choose more wisely this time.
My mother is getting hospice services to supplement her care in a nursing home. She has been deteriorating quickly over the past month. Fortunately, one of the nurses at the nursing home recommended what she considered the best hospice in the area - from her observations as a nurse and her experience when her husband was dying. Otherwise, I would’ve had no clue that there were differences in quality or who would be best.
I’m finding myself at an interesting emotional crossroads. After a hellish year plus of the assorted health failures and eventual death each of the in laws, I am down to one parent. Not a hellish parent, rather a sweet parent, a willing parent, a nice parent. A local parent.
I was able to fly in and put on my happy face and give kindly of my time and efforts for a visit to the in laws; however, it’s going on a decade since Dad died and I am doing a great job with the basics-food, clothing, shelter- yet the well is dry for the extras. Between many additional medical appointments (no serious issues, minor treatments like skin cancer stuff and new check ups adding up to a dozen extra appointments in the last year) and the increased helplessness (not ADLs, more like TV & microwave & assorted day to day stuff) I am searching and not finding the interest and energy to provide more emotional support, more interaction and conversation that is not about the TV etc.
I really want to do better before the end comes, I want better memories than the way I have felt the last year or two. I am annoyed that I could put on a happy face and make the in laws feel good, but find it much more difficult when it is every day and when nothing is ever enough. Anything I offer would be soaked up like water in the desert. I want to be a better person.
I’ve been using this quote from Banksy (?) as my mantra.
“When you are tired, learn to rest, not to quit.”
Is there a refreshing vacation, weekend or day trip you could try?
Also sometimes in difficult or uncomfortable conditions, I use this technique recommended by Brene Brown. Picture yourself as an actor in a scene following the instructions of a director. It helps me be better than I might otherwise be.
Hugs.
My friend budgets for respite periodically AND uses it. It helps her keep her equilibrium. I have siblings and we share the load, which helps.
Resting when tired instead of quitting is a good mantra. It DOES get tiring tho. My folks are 88 and 93 and could easily live another decade, increasingly frail.
@somemom, (((((hugs)))))! I think it’s hard when there’s only one left. One day I realized that I’m a matriarch! OMG! I don’t even feel like a grownup!
Therapy helped me a lot. I felt like I was definitely there for my dad at the end. For my brother too.
@somemom I hear you. I know after a hellish year, I am at a lull with my parents. They are at a good place that has not only learned how to deal with my dad’s very demented behaviors, they also really care for him. I know I should be spending more time with them as after all, I moved them a mile away. But I find it difficult to have the emotional energy. It’s easier if I’m there with DH (though we frequently “tag team”). But, I’ve had to learn to let go so that I can sleep and stop this internal drive to always do more, especially after a period of always needing to do more.
But I’m curious about this from your post: “nothing is ever enough.” Is that coming from your mom? Or is it coming from you?
Nothing is ever enough is from me, meaning that if I take her to do something for a few hours, she’d eager for the next thing as soon as we are done. She does not demand at all, but I can tell she is always so happy to just ride along for errands etc. But not with anyone else.
There is virtually nothing I could suggest that she would not be happy to do and I know that she is bored out of her mind and has been since Daddy died. She has made no substantive effort to connect with anyone or pick up hobbies or interests. Her quality of life has been 100% what my family provides.
I have a nearby sister who takes her to a dozen appointments a year (for which I am thankful), but my mother does not really enjoy spending time with that sister (chalk & cheese) such that she will turn down invites or cancel them, and yet still be eager to go anywhere with me.
For nearly a decade I have been about the only one who can entertain her and I do find myself resentful that she will not try, but now there is no hope she will change.
I’m weary of it and not doing my best, I am at a solid B+, but I’d love to get back to an A.
@somemom- boy do I hear you. Hugs and hang in there. I would say I’ve been at a B to B- for the past month and need to pep myself up to continue on this path. My mom sounds much like yours, except I have to help her with ADLs. She would gladly go places, but with three solid months of cold weather still looming, I don’t want to take her out unless truly necessary (fall risk, getting sick, dealing with incontinence when out, etc.) I need to come up with projects for her (like last summer when I had her paint Birdhouses) to get through the winter.
It does get really tiring. Unless you live with it, (or spend significant time) you don’t know how it can grate on your nerves to be asked the same questions over and over and over and over all day long, every single day. I manage to act my part hosting the holidays, but the disdain for my uninvolved siblings rushes back this time of year. I’m thankful one sibling provides emotional support.
You’ve really done well for a decade @somemom. That’s quite an accomplishment, probably not recognized or acknowledged by many others.
@psychmomma I have one faraway sibling who is quite helpful by listening and has given me a respite 2-3 times. It really helps to have someone listen, it allows me to be a better person by venting silly little frustrations
@somemom I feel for you. My folks are pretty compliant and willing to do anything I ask so I am VERY lucky. I do their laundry and pay their bills and take them to all their appointments and they are grateful. Yet I too feel like I just wish there were more I could do to make their lives easier - my mom would love to go out to lunch once a week or shopping once or twice a month to escape the ALF where they are living due to my dad’s condition.
On paper it sounds like not a big deal - lunch once a week or so? And I would enjoy it too. It’s just that it’s on top of doing laundry weekly and doing the financial work and insurance paperwork and keeping up with doctors etc. So it’s already eating into 2 of my days off, I work the other three and I have 2 kids and 2 dogs and a husband who I also want to see occasionally. Sandwich generation indeed.
I saw my Dad on Saturday. He is in Memory Care. I used to go 2-3 times a week, but am down to 1-2. Part of that is I used to drop by for a short visit after work, but they changed dinner time to 4:30, which is when I get off of work, so it is not as convenient. Part of it is that two-way conversations are tough and I run out of things to say. About every 2 weeks I take him out to See’s Candy and for a drive. On Saturday I wasn’t up for that, so I just brought him a box of candy. He was in a really good mood (you never know what you are going to get), and kept asking if we were going. So all the way home I felt guilty that I didn’t take him. I am also the one who pays all of his bills, deposits his checks, gives medical authorization, etc… So I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do.
@somemom My mother is 87 years old and it was the same thing here. After my father died, she was even more emotionally clingy and would say flat-out she didn’t want to be around other people, just me (with DH and our sons). I tried to encourage whatever interactions she told me about with neighbors, etc., and would tell her as gently as possible that it wasn’t healthy for either of us to have me be everything for her.
Fast forward to this past November when she broke her wrist. While I was out of state. Total strangers helped her home, a neighbor took her to the clinic and doctor’s appointments, other neighbors helped with household tasks – she’d walk down to the common room of her apartment building and someone would always be there to open a jar or something. She told me not to cut my trip short and wrapped up more than one update about her condition with “People are so nice!” It was wonderful to hear her talking like that. And she took this in at 87. Don’t know how old your mother is, but just wanted to say there is hope.