Can you possibly drop the laundry off to be done at a laundromat once in awhile and take your mom out for a bite during that time?
I totally get it thinking you should always do more. But being a good enough daughter is like being a good enough mother. And you can really burn yourself out–kids get easier and parents get harder (in general of course!).
My mother became totally dependent on my dad after surgery for a brain tumor when she was 57. He did an amazing job taking care of her, managing household help, and working two jobs. But a few months before she died, he just burned himself out–she seemed to be gone, but then she sort-of came back to consciousness for a couple of months. At the very end, he wouldn’t go into the room where her bed was (she had an aide with her). I am so glad that I was able to be there her last night. But for sure no one could criticize him for not caring.
I totally get it thinking you should always do more. But being a good enough daughter is like being a good enough mother. And you can really burn yourself out–kids get easier and parents get harder (in general of course!).
My mother became totally dependent on my dad after surgery for a brain tumor when she was 57. He did an amazing job taking care of her, managing household help, and working two jobs. But a few months before she died, he just burned himself out–she seemed to be gone, but then she sort-of came back to consciousness for a couple of months. At the very end, he wouldn’t go into the room where her bed was (she had an aide with her). I am so glad that I was able to be there her last night. But for sure no one could criticize him for not caring.
I think you need to give yourself a break @somemom but I get it. Certainly my visits with my folks have decreased, and I would like to take mom out more now that we don’t worry about taking dad out as well. But mom doesn’t talk much and I’m not sure how to have a totally silent time together. Perhaps if I brought her out to meet my daughter for lunch or if DH could come with me. She seems happy to just sit there while others are having a conversation.
@GTalum, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. If your daughter is nearby and available and willing, that sounds like a nice thing to do.
Except coordinating our schedules is difficult! She is always willing to show up for a meal with the parents though.
@somemom - you are an A+ daughter in my book. You too @psychmomma, and anyone else here who puts in significant time with aging parents.
It is incredibly difficult when you have your own life and responsibilities. Give yourself some grace. How would you feel if your own kids were doing what you were doing? That’s how I looked at it with MIL before she passed. If either of my sons put in half the effort my husband did, I would be touched at their kindness and compassion and diligence.
On the topic of hospice, we had a very negative experience the first go-round with MIL, and ended up withdrawing her from hospice care (thought we were unusual in that regard, but it was a clear-cut decision based on the way things unfolded). We later went back to hospice at the very end. 
Hugs to all who are going through stressful times and dealing with difficult decisions. I just returned home from a week-long visit to my 85-year-old mom during which one of my sisters and I moved her from the relatively isolated htownhouse she was living in since my dad died to an apartment only five minutes from my sister’s house. It’s located above a hotel, so she has access to the amenities of the hotel, including on-site maintenance, pool, gym, room service, spa, and restaurant (with resident discounts for all amenities). She didn’t want to be in the nice continuing care community, so this was our compromise.
We are lucky that it is big enough that all her important furniture fits, so she immediately felt at home. It also has a second bedroom, so when she inevitably needs more help, there is room. I was actually pretty surprised at how comfortable she seemed when I left, 4 days after the move. I hope it’s not a matter of the other shoe dropping when she’s alone. We identified a great geriatrician and she’s transitioned to his practice and our middle sister (who lives 1/2 way between me and our mom/other sister) found a pharmacy that will deliver her morning/evening meds once a month in daily blister packs. So much easier than one of us being responsible for filling pill boxes. She’s even consented to my BIL taking over her bill paying, and this was a huge step for her since she is a true control freak. Best thing was, we bought her a new TV and I left her happily watching “The Crown” on Netflix.
This may be a honeymoon period and new issues will inevitably creep up, but for now we feel very lucky that we convinced her to make this move (albeit on the coldest day of the year so far in upstate NY), even though her condo is not yet sold. My youngest sister is amazing, and feels a weight has been lifted since mom is now so close to her. I know how difficult it can be (my H has a completely toxic situation with his siblings and mother) and I feel very lucky that things seem ok here, for now.
PS - I’ve already received two calls this morning asking where things are - I should have made a map for myself - my 61-year-old memory is not as good as it once was, either. 
^^sounds like a good situation @runnersmom.
@runnersmom, that sounds great, well done. Extra nice that you can all work together.
I have to admit that it is not always smooth sailing among the three of us, but this time all the stars seem to have aligned and we are working together in mom’s best interest. Middle sis, who was not there for the move, is taking mom to California for 10 days next week to visit my nieces/her granddaughters and my sister’s in-laws. We’re each trying to do what we can.
My dad died when mom was 62, and mom died of dementia/Alzheimers at age 77. I live away, but while mom was healthy, got her on some vacations - she went to Ireland with a group from my area (we are friends with the leader and her room-mate in addition to a few others on that trip), and her last trip like that was to Italy, again with friends (choir group which sang at a Mass attended by the Pope, and mom had prime seating). The more early period of dementia was affecting her neurologically, and she fell a few times in Italy (bruises on her arms where she caught her fall - thankfully nothing broken) - my brother who lives in a distant state, was yelling at me on the phone when I called to explain the situation about mom’s falls and bruises like I could have prevented it… (back at home later, she also stumbled on uneven sidewalk when going to church, and two siblings that live nearby started getting her medical situation dug into further). Another trip, my nuclear family went to Disney World, and we arranged for her flight and picked her up at airport - and she spent our family vacation with us (our children were 7 and 9 at the time and the Disney hotel room had sleeping for 5). It was good for all the grand-kids to get exposed to their grandparents and spend some meaningful time with them. My dad died when one was a baby and the other wasn’t born yet. H’s parents are now 87 and 88, and our children are 22 and 24, and 24 year old is married so he knows them too.
After dad had died, mom always wanted her children to visit her separately, as she wanted all their attention. So the brother that yelled at me - we haven’t seen each other in person for many years…now he is retired from his stressful job, and can see him a bit more. He took his frustration out on me at the moment, but I had no crystal ball on mom’s decline or what was going to happen with health deterioration.
HA! FIL used to get mad if the brothers visited together as he wanted all the attention and thought every time the guys laughed they were laughing at him (I am sure it was no more than 2/3 of the time, not ALL the time, that he was the butt of their jokes ;)) )
We were at MIL/FIL in Sept and Dec for long stays (at least a week each time), and FIL commented how the ladies that come to put on his support stockings, the meals on wheels people etc like to hear his stories…he just wants to believe it…they are just being polite…
Too funny. My father was at the bank yesterday, and after finishing his CD transaction, he stayed and “horsed around” with the branch mgr for a half hour! Yes, I am so sure the bank branch manager needed 30 minutes of his stupid stories. That poor man.
So . . . how can I best love on my sister-in-law who is still struggling big time with MIL’s passing?
I feel like no matter what I say, it’s the wrong thing. (??) Now I’m just trying to express support, and text her every day with a simple hello.
We’ve always been fairly close, and I loved her (and my husband’s) mom very much. There were issues through the years with MIL and SIL, mainly with boundaries (mom-daughter stuff). My H never really had that problem because though he loved his mom, he didn’t really let her cross boundaries. We had a nice, good relationship with MIL and lived near her for 15+ years.
Husband misses his mom of course, but he has his faith and believes she is in a better place. MIL had absolutely no quality of life for at least the last 6 months (and it was 3+ years before that of increasingly diminished ability to move or do anything for herself). I wouldn’t wish MIL’s condition on my worst enemy. She went through h*** and it was hard to watch.
I realize that everyone grieves differently, and I try to hold space for SIL to do that. But I sense she has regret, and she’s lost without the yin-yang of mom-daughter. I don’t know what I’m asking. I just want to love her well. She is a great person in her own way.
I still have my mom, so I know that I cannot completely understand how she feels. I worry about her.
@SouthFloridaMom9 for sure it’s hard. Just texting in every day and expressing support without giving advice or suggestions might be the ticket for now. That said, I know several people who found bereavement groups very helpful. Maybe find out what’s out there for her and then wait for the right time just to say that you have the info and will hold on to it in case it is helpful?
@rockvillemom did I miss something? Were you with your dad at the bank or did you just hear the story second hand?
He told me all about it repeatedly yesterday. So pleased and proud of himself. The idea that the branch manager may have had other things to do escapes him.
This goes on all the time - the pharmacist, every doctor, etc. Apparently they all have nothing better to do than listen to his stupid stories. Believe me, I’ve heard them all a gazillion times.