Sorry @DeniseC for the rapid loss and for the loss.
If one knows their family member will most likely die within the next six months, find a hospice agency you like and get them on Hospice. It will make the death process paperwork etc easier, at least it does in my state (AL).
I worked for voting poll, and anyone over a certain age or disabled goes to the front of the line. That may also be the case with other public services. Just ask.
I really like the way one allows their parent to feel ‘control’ - purse and car keys when not going anywhere - just have to be tricky like a fox.
With my mom, I gave her two acceptable choices to choose from, and she usually complied and was happy.
MIL had a stroke yesterday afternoon. Thankfully it happened while she was already at her doctor’s office for a regular appointment. She became unsteady, deteriorated, and they had an ambulance transport her to the ER. She had a drain put in and is resting now, but they say the next couple days things might get worse before they get better.
DH on plane up from out of state (he works in DC area, we’re in New England) and will spend the week here. We’ll hit the ground hard with admin details to make sure her resources take care of her, but so much was pending. She was about to sign new POA, etc., paperwork, she just signed contract with CCRC and I don’t know what this will do to that, etc. Her attorney will become our new best friend.
Medically, too soon to know what’s going on or what will. But she’s a strong woman. We’re all gearing up for the marathon.
My turn is beginning to accelerate. My mother fell Sunday night and injured her left upper arm. We took her to an orthopedic clinic walk-in and she has a fracture high on her arm; too high to do surgery or a cast, they have something rigid but it’s not a cast, I don’t know what it is. She is supposed to keep it in a sling, but she isn’t. She got out of bed last night and fell again. She isn’t cooperating with us at all on taking care of her arm. My step-daughter works at a very nice senior facility that never, ever has openings in their memory unit but they have one this week. We have snow, of course, but my SD emailed me all the paperwork and is preparing the room for Mom. I am filling out the paperwork with tears pouring down my face; this is the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. But if she is going to continue to wander and fall, and not comprehend care of her arm, I have to do something. SD is letting me do a 30-day trial ‘rehab’, and we can even do a second 30-day trial before we have to make a final decision.
I am terrified to keep her here, and heart broken to put her somewhere.
It is a very rough decision, it is heartening to hear that you have the opportunity to do a trial run. That is the best of all worlds, perhaps it turns out that she does not require the facility, but their attentions have gotten her through her arm healing, or perhaps you will discover this is a better place for her and that she is happy there.
My friend’s Mom was still in her long time condo, but had knee surgery and could not be trusted to remember the care limitations so she was in assisted living for the rehab and she ended up loving the social aspects and never went home, her choice! Much to her DD’s relief as she was hitting the point of no longer being safe.
I’m so sorry @mykidsgranny . Change is so hard. I have read many stories on this thread about parents needing to be moved to a care facility and about how they kicked and screamed all the way. Then after some time had passed, it was clear that moving was the best decision all around. So be encouraged. This may end up being a very good change.
@mykidsgranny - sorry for how this has unfolded. These transitions are tough, especially if keeping a loved one at home is seen as the “gold standard.” Agree that you are in a good situation to assess the best option over time. IME as primary elder care navigator, I found that it was natural for me to attempt to continue the status quo, whether it was holiday traditions or the least intense elder living situation possible, at times almost past the point it was optimal for for my parents.
The value of social contacts and medical supports at senior living options are not to be underestimated. Your mother is lucky to have your support as you determine the best way forward. If it is at all encouraging, having my parents in a nearby senior care community was the best of all worlds. Frequent visits allowed me to be a daughter with peace of mind and as their needs increased, care was built-in, minimizing crises and smoothing their paths. All the best.
@mykidsgranny I’m very sorry… You are doing the best thing in a sea of difficult choices… That is all you can hope for… How wonderful that the right place opened up at the right time.
@HouseChatte , good luck. Glad you know it is a marathon. Sending good wishes and strength. Remember to take care of yourself, too.
@mykidsgranny, … what travelnut said! I tried to make that point to my brother last week. My dad lives with him SIL, and 16 year old youngest. Dad is almost blind, remains cheerful and intelligent, but doesn’t have teeth and is losing his hearing. Dad had the flu and lost the ability to walk suddenly! His bedroom is upstairs. SIL wants to move him to assisted living; Dad would agree, but Bro can’t accept that it is time and easier on everyone, including DAD. Dad would rather pay strangers to clean up his messes than have his granddaughter do it. SIL was extra stressed because HER dad was in the hospital and bro was recovering from pneumonia. … I flew in to do what I could, but really didn’t make much progress. Sometimes AL is the very best option and a good one.
That said, it is hard. It is sad. and
@HouseChatte Best of luck. I’m sure the contract won’t be a problem I am hoping she will still qualify. If immediate care is given for a stroke, chances are good she will be back to regular functioning.
@mykidsgranny moving my parents this last time, from their independent living in a CCRC to the personal care home near me was the hardest thing I have ever done. Just know, it took me about 3 months to “know” they were in the right place. It’s not that I was given reason to doubt, I just needed to come to terms with it emotionally and found it was a loss for me and I needed time to grieve. They had to be moved and the 2 options of memory care vs care home were, in my mind “no good choices.” But, they were also 2 good choices. It is a wonderful memory care associated with the CCRC land the care home near me is also wonderful.
Last night, I saw the wisdom of them being near me. Around 8p I got a message that mom fell and they said they would normally bring her to the ER as she sustained a cut on her head. Being a mile away, I was able to zip over, determine the cut did not need stitches, and determine that mom seemed fine and I did not want her to go to the ER and no need to wake her up every 2 hours to check on her. I may have to sign something as I have had to do for dad’s falls. I am concerned this is mom’s second fall in about a week. But, I am thrilled that someone is monitoring her so that falls can be noted and reported, they trust me enough to determine the amount of care needed, and most important, there is a community of others working together for their best care.
@mykidsgranny putting my dad in Memory Care was absolutely the hardest thing I ever had to do. My plan was to take him to live at our house. He was living on his own and was hospitalized for a fall and then spent two weeks in a psych hospital. Looking back, we were in complete denial about his dementia. The psychiatrist told me that he needed 24 hour care and that if we were working, it wouldn’t work. He was totally right.
I am checking into a gerontologist, my sister is nagging me that maybe there is something that needs addressing with our mother. At 90+ she is mobile, but her balance it worse over the last two years, as is her depth perception and vision in general, she is also experiencing some short term memory issues and has trouble finding all her words when formulating a sentence (as do I, but hers is much worse!)
I asked her primary care doc about a general exam to be sure there is nothing we area missing, he said we could go to the local senior health practice for a med check, but she only takes a HBP and a GERD Rx. I called them, they are primary care, they don’t do this special exam I had imagined and she does not really want or need to change her primary care doc. They referred me to a neuropsychologist who can do a 2.5 hour test, if it’s referred, but is that really what we need? Maybe she has some dementia, maybe just cognitive decline of old age, but does the Dx make any difference? Are there actually any good treatments?
I was hoping for a review such that if there is something simple that makes a big difference, like when a senior has a UTI and seems demented, that we could adjust to that.
@somemom - Your mother sounds exactly like mine. 90 years old - mobile, agile, engaged socially, only takes a BP medication. This past year I have noticed some slight issues with her memory and confusion. I go back and forth in my mind as to whether or not this is normal aging - actually some days she is more “with it” than I am! She sees a primary care doctor on occasion, but the doctor has never mentioned anything to her other than that she is remarkable for her age. I have had conversations with her about her care, and she is very aware of her needs and capabilities - she likes her community and her home very much (her big issues are usually with her cell phone and the remote) so nothing major at this point. But I am an only child and since we live close by I try to see her daily - hopefully I will be able to quickly pick up on any changes because I know at this age anything can happen at any time. I really go day-by-day and hope for the best. Good luck to you and your Mom.
Thank you all so much! I have seen this coming, and thought I was 100% ready to move forward, and then bam! The need is here and I’m wallowing on the floor in tears. My mother has spiraled downhill for the last year. She has periods of being a sweet little old lady, and then she turns into the Wicked Witch of the West! Since her fall, she has fallen again, so now she simply dangles when we try to stand her up to go to the bathroom. It’s like she forgot how to move her feet in order to take a step, and she will stiffen suddenly and throw her feet straight out. Yesterday she slung her arm around like it was just fine, then cried most of the night because I was limited in the pain medication I could give her. She has a doctor appointment tomorrow, and I am grateful for that. I know she will hate me, but that isn’t anything new if I don’t do exactly what he wants. My brother is incontinent with Alzheimer’s and he should be in a memory care facility, but his wife chooses to keep him at home. Her choice.
I am so grateful for your caring and compassion, and I pray for each and every one of you who are having your own issues. I don’t want to live to be as old as my mother.
Ask if you can have discretion to increase the pain meds, how often (what total dosage/day.) Dang, pain needs to be managed early or it just gets worse.
@mykidsgranny - You mentioned that your mom has had several falls recently. In addition to her arm injury, is there any chance that she may have hit her head? The reason I ask is that some of you mom’s symptoms sound familiar …
“Since her fall, she has fallen again, so now she simply dangles when we try to stand her up to go to the bathroom. It’s like she forgot how to move her feet in order to take a step, and she will stiffen suddenly and throw her feet straight out.”
My father with dementia experienced a sudden, drastic mental and physical decline about 7 months ago after multiple falls. While there was never any external evidence (bruises or marks) that he hit his head, he at some point suffered a bilateral subdural hematoma. He went from being an independent busy-body, to needing assistance getting on and off a chair/toilet and full support when walking. He seemed to not know how to walk or sit down or even talk. Other symptoms were incontinence, right arm and leg palsy, and intermittent hand-clenching with the inability to release his grip. He would crawl into bed on all fours and become very rigid, not knowing how to lie down from that position. A CT scan revealed that a slow brain bleed had been ongoing for some time (accumulation of old and new blood resulting in pressure on both sides of his brain). A craniotomy was performed the following day to drain as much blood as possible.
Hopefully the doctor appointment will shed some light on her new symptoms. Hang in there. These are rough times and you’re doing the best you can.
My aunt was fairly spry at 90, living alone and taking only thyroid and bP meds. Then she fell and fractured her femur and we moved her closer to us. She died at 92 of vascular dementia. The doctors told us that the high blood pressure finally caught up with her. She went from fairly alert and able to crack jokes (for instance, on seeing Hitler on the History Channel, she cracked “That jerk’s back again, I better get my uniform out and teach him a lesson…” She was a WAC in WW2) to being unable to speak, feed herself or even get out bed without assistance. She died after two months in that state.
I do agree that a visit to a neurologist who specializes in the elderly is probably a good idea. My son’s former scoutmaster is such a doctor and he saw my aunt and told me that as people age, they can develop reactions to meds, even ones they have been taking for decades, that mimic dementia like symptoms. I put my aunt on an Alzheimer’s med, whose name I can’t remember and weaned her off of Ativan and Xanax, which she’d been taking since my grandma died in 1986! She perked up for a bit but the vascular dementia did its dirty work.
@SnLMom my mom has had 2 falls in the past week and hit her head pretty hard both times. I am concerned about her developing a subdural hematoma. Did your father improve after the surgery? If she develops symptoms such as you describe (so far just the same dementia) I’m not sure I want her evaluated if the surgery will just bring her back to worsening baseline dementia (she is 5/7 now).
@techmom99 - That’s interesting about the meds mimicking dementia - even though my Mom and I have frequent discussions about her health and her care, whenever I have mentioned a trip to the doctor for a more comprehensive exam, she pushes back. I cannot get her to go. She goes every six months for a BP check and that’s it. Tells me that’s all she needs. I really don’t know how I would get her to a neurologist - maybe I should try to talk to her doctor. Not sure that she will talk to me without my mother’s consent. I know when something happens, there will most likely be a steady decline - scares me and saddens me so much. She also says that we never know what is in store for us. My Dad was an active, healthy 81 year old and he collapsed and died playing golf 5 years ago. No symptoms, no illness, no meds - nothing. He was talking/laughing one minute and gone the next. While it was traumatic and shocking for us, my mother hopes she is as lucky…he died doing something he loved to do, he never suffered and never had to make any tough decisions. I really take all of this day by day…