So hard @runnersmom. 
Ugh, runnersmom, it is bad enough being a sandwich between kids and parents, but if the sibling layer is also squeezing you, that is REALLY tough.
I assume you will get to know the apartment manager’s phone number.
It is so frustrating, with want seems like just a little help, Moms could make it… but it doesn’t stay a little help for long.
So tough, @runnersmom. If your mother is able to learn new things, it seems that she will need orientation and practice with the mechanics of the new place. Any chance hiring an aide for a couple of hours twice a week is in the cards if sister is on the edge? Hang in there.
The idea of hiring an aide for an extended in person orientation is smart! Even when my mother was more with it, she had trouble figuring out new things, like different remote controls, so your Mom might be ok once she gets the feel of the new place,
I think that’s where we’re headed, at least for a short while until she adapts. I do think she can learn the new place but we’d probably all feel more comfortable if someone were there for a couple of hours a day. Now to convince her…she reacts poorly to what she feels is “being treated like a child” and especially as regards being treated that way by my youngest sister. And while I can understand what she means, since when my sister gets frustrated she goes into “mom” mode (she has 2 teens), my sister is doing her best and mom does need her. We’ll see… today’s crisis was easily fixed. Hopefully there will be no more this weekend. Thanks for the support.
@runnersmom if your mom is cognitively well, I’m sure she can adapt. It may not be so easy for your sister. It’s a lot on you. I hope some temporary help will be useful for her. One piece of advice, go through an agency so your sister doesn’t have to worry about supervising the helper.
Ordered groceries for my mother from PA, to be delivered to her in FL. I feel like I contributed something beyond daily phone calls, at least, and my brother was relieved because he hates shopping. (It was Publix, local delivery via Instacart)
Yes, Mom, is out of the rehab place and on the ground floor of her house. Brother spend a crazed weekend getting that floor into livable shape as a self-contained space; it was never used by her before. She has thrown a few petulant tantrums and got that awful cold that seems to be going around the country, so no PT at home, but that’s in the cards next week.
So we’re in a holding pattern until she goes downhill some more, which we’re both sure will happen, but she is adamant about being at home.
U.S. Pays Billions for ‘Assisted Living,’ but What Does It Get?
Federal investigators say they have found huge gaps in the regulation of assisted living facilities that take care of Medicaid beneficiaries.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/03/us/politics/assisted-living-gaps.html
I was surprised by this - thought Medicaid only covered nursing home care - not assisted living.
I have an aunt who is in very poor health and entered AL in December. She and spouse have no savings. Their adult sons have agreed to pay for 1 year of AL. No plan for what happens after 1 year. One son seems to think she will pass by year end. I’ll mention to them again to investigate Medicaid.
In our area, Medicaid will cover AL after all assets are drained. Ime, you have to be a paying resident first, then run out of funds. It depends on the facility, some won’t accept the assignment or may move you to a sister facility. No idea how children paying fees for a year affects the look.
It may vary by state. In my state, AEDC (Aid for Elders and Dependent Children) covers AL if there is a built-in medical component to the care. These seniors are also eligible for state funded health care to supplement their Medicare. Not necessarily applicable for "cruise ship’ AL that covers meals and living only. No offense intended by that descriptor; unlike skilled nursing level of care, AL can refer to many very different arrangements.
It can be worthwhile to seek expertise to understand the relevant particulars. I have seen families assume a certain facility was not in the cards financially, when it could have been workable if they understood more about it. Geriatric care managers usually have both local expertise and a knowledge of Medicare. Also, contacting places you like and asking them not only rates, but also options for when savings are drained can be informative.
MIL was just approved for 24 hour in home care. Unfortunately, the insurance company forgot to tell the provider, which we found out when MIL called last night to say she had an accident and couldn’t clean herself. Meanwhile useless SIL was shrieking at the other end of the phone (lives with her mom) that we need to get MIL to pain management doctor (so SIL can get a new way to access pain meds now that NYS is cracking down) and that SHE (SIL) can’t take care of her mom. So my H and 2 middle boys had to drive half an hour each way to clean MIL up. Hopefully, the aide situation will be resolved tomorrow.
We are looking to do a program where you can pick your own aides, but we aren’t 100% sure how it works. Oldest son’s gf wants to be an aide and then she and my son will live there. We hope this will reduce the likelihood of SIL continuing to abuse her mom and steal from her. However, there is a possibility that we may need to have five aides total, which is a problem because we don’t have enough people. We thought you could have 2 - 3 aides that would split the week. Her current aide is willing to do 7 AM - 7 PM on weekdays and son’s gf would do overnights. We are trying to get the gf’s sister to sign on as the weekend aide. Neither young woman is currently working so $16/hr seems like a good deal. MIL is mentally all there, at 93, but needs help with physical ADL’s.
I am not really dealing with MIL’s physical stuff myself. I am trying to preserve her money and pay her bills. It’s hard when SIL is constantly trying to drain the pitiful $1200/month her mom gets.
Remember, Medicaid and Medicare are different programs and cover different things. Medicare generally covers health care and is not means tested for the elderly (65 and older). Medicaid covers some kinds of residential and in-home care and definitely is means tested.
If that is for me, @rosered55, thank you. MIL has been receiving in home care through Medicaid for several years. Her hours have been increasing and she is now approved for 24/7 care. Her only assets are her home, which is excluded, and her SS payment, she has nothing else. MIL worked in nursing homes and made us promise that we would never put her in one so we knew that was never an option as she got older. Fortunately, she is mentally together and couldn’t wander even if she wanted to as she is barely ambulatory at this point. The main problems we have with her are that she won’t evict her D and they are both addicted to pain meds.
I took my mother back to the ortho doctor on Monday, they x-rayed her, not a lot of change. I asked him if there was some better way of stabilizing her arm. He gave her a new sling. Today, the lady who goes out twice a week to take care of her stuff and do things for her called me; her sling was over in the chair “because she keeps taking it off”. I went out there, didn’t say anything to the staff, but spoke very strongly to my mother about not taking it off. Then I talked to the nurse (who was apparently rolling her eyes during my speech to Mom). I told her I want to be her most cooperative, most appreciative relative in history, but that sling has to be put back on until Mom realizes it needs to stay on. Between three of us somebody is out there almost every day. Maybe they don’t like visitors, but we don’t interfere with their activities. This is Hell on Earth.
@mykidsgranny I feel for you. Been there, done that. Mom fell in the bathroom and broke her arm. Laid on the floor who knows how long because she was too mentally incompetent to pull the thread or push the button to call for help. They found her in the morning.
It was way up high in her shoulder so they couldn’t cast it. The sling came off as soon as she could sort of move her arm without too much pain, well before it even thought about healing. They got different slings and finally resorted to pinning it closed and behind her back. And it basically looked like a straight jacket. She still got out once or twice.
I never got after her, though because that was useless. I raised holy heck with the staff though… and moved her to memory care as soon as possible after that. I waited too long to pull that trigger, then had to wait longer for a bed.
Neither one of my parents would remember to keep a sling on no matter how many people and how many times people told her. Fortunately, I have yet to deal with a break, but when a treatment, such as a medication or dressing change has been recommended I let the doctor know that my parents would not be able to be compliant and that the simplest thing, such as “put vaseline on the wound and keep it covered with a bandaid,” or “keep dry” is just not possible. Even at the home they are at now, I realize one dressing change, or one extra pill, increases caregiver burden as they have to somehow convince people with a 5 second memory (my mom) or someone without any thought (my dad) something is necessary every time they administer the treatment or a bandage is removed by the mischievous demented.
I suspect the nurse was rolling her eyes as there is no way, not matter how stern you are with your mom, she just isn’t capable of remembering why she has a sling and why she should bother with it. It is not possible for eyes to constantly be on one individual.
She is IN memory care! One of the best memory care facilities in the area, and I don’t want to make them mad; they love her because she is cheerful. But I don’t want them letting her get by with taking it off ! I didn’t dare go back out there again today (she is attempting to get it off again) because it wouldn’t take but one more time and she would figure out that if she takes the thing off, I show up. Her fracture is way up on the shoulder, too. Did your mother’s ever heal? I did talk to the nurse, so hopefully she will keep a closer eye on things; I still have a couple of steps upward on the ladder if I have to go there.
I am just frazzled, I’m so confused. Do I just let the fracture not heal, or heal so that the arm is deformed and she can never use her walker again? I am past the point of feeling guilty; I know I am doing every single thing I possibly can to get her the best help there is. There are many eyes on the residents there, and they are well trained. I know they get frustrated, nobody is more frustrated than I am, but shouldn’t they be putting that thing back on? She would eventually leave it on, I know her well enough to know that; today was the first time she took it off. I was thinking about taking some strips of fabric and safety pins, not many, just enough to frustrate her pulling the velcro loose.
{{{mykidsgranny}}}, you are frazzled because it is so freaking hard and a long journey to boot.
Yes, Mom’s fracture healed up, perhaps more slowly than with sling support. If you can get it on for 3 weeks I expect it will heal if she doesn’t fall on it again.
Mom was also able to use her walker after that, but kind of got used to the wheel chair (faster for the aides). Sometimes she could walk fine and some days she forgot how. Forgetting the walker was very very common.