@HouseChatte, so sorry for your loss, but very grateful her wishes were able to be honored. May that help give you comfort going forward.
Sending sympathy to you and your family, @HouseChatte.
So sorry for your loss @HouseChatte.
I am so sorry for your loss, @HouseChatte.
Thank you for such kindness. This thread has been an amazing place.
DH and I have sworn to spell out our health care wishes very clearly for our kids. MIL’s openness about her priorities and fears was a precious gift during a brutal process.
I agree, this is an amazing place. Everyone is so willing to share what they have gone through, in order to help those of us who are just starting the trek. My mother was discharged yesterday, back to her memory care facility; the doctor wanted more of a rehab type place, but she isn’t going to cooperate with rehab people, and this facility has an OT and a PT department that will do what she needs.
My head is spinning. Less than three weeks ago my mom called to tell me that during one of Dad’s temper flares he had clenched his fist and made her fear he would hit her. She shocked me by saying it was time to place him elsewhere. I drove down the next day and in 48 hours we had him evaluated – he failed every aspect of the dementia evaluation but still thinks he has only minor memory issues – and put together applications for three different VA hospitals. The estimates on an available bed ranged from three to six months so, even though we knew Mom would need to be placed somewhere as well, we thought we had some time and were just beginning to research places.
Two weeks after applying, I got a call today that they have a bed for Dad at the hospital closest to us (but about four hours from where they live now.) So, I’m heading back home on Saturday to tell him that he’ll be moved into the hospital on Tuesday; Mom refuses to tell him. Then we’ll have less than three days to pack up both of them, do what we can to close up the house, take them both to our house, check Dad into the facility, and temporarily set up Mom with us until we can find a placement that will work for her. (Diabetic retinopathy has caused legal blindness, she’s a brittle diabetic, there is a newly-diagnosed heart issue with her pulse rate, and she’s in Stage 4 renal failure.) We’ll also need to find a general doctor and three specialists for her.
How do people afford this, anyway? I’ve been shocked at the costs of the local facilities. There is a very good place in their town that is about half the cost, but we’d have them in two different directions from us and I don’t think I can take that.
@NerdMom88 … soo so sorry! BLAM goes everything. I am glad they found a place close to you because that will help. Long distance parenting of parents is exhausted. I’d just say pace yourself. not everything needs to be done right away and does not need to be perfect out of the box.
REmember to take some times for self care, too.
Esobay is so right! Do not strive for perfect, just take it one step at a time!
It is great that you have found a safe placement for dad and that your mom has not been yet harmed by him @NerdMom88. These issues are so difficult AND exhausting AND expensive.
Take some deep breaths. You will figure this out. Be sure to ask the medical social workers for any resources they may know of. They can be a great treasure of info.
So sorry @NerdMom88 but happy for you that you found placement for your dad. As for finding something affordable for your mom, spouses are typically able to receive VA benefits as well. Can their house be sold? For my in-laws, we were able to keep them in the same assisted living facility with VA benefits plus a supplement from the sale of their house.
@NerdMom88 – Wow! Best of luck to you, don’t forget to take care of yourself. There are agencies and systems in place to help deal with these issues, but I have found it all takes time… maddeningly frustrating sometimes. Hopefully you have all the necessary paperwork in place so that you can have the legal standing to help your parents as needed?
@NerdMom88 - sometimes life piles on hard. While it will be a relief to have them situated, the interim is daunting.
A couple of thoughts: any chance that there is someone who can spend a few hours with your father and/or mother (not in their current home) while you pack up what they will need in the new places? If so, would he/they be able to manage being out for a few hours? I ask knowing that such disruptions can be upsetting to someone with dementia (as well as those without it) and streamlining the process will help all of you. Even if they were out of the bedroom while you packed clothes… He is likely to have extremely limited storage space and if he is going into skilled nursing care, usually most toiletries will be provided. Speaking with a staff member on his unit about their recommendations/closet capacity could help set packing priorities.
Do you think moving your father into your house briefly will work as well as direct admission to the VA? If you have your doubts given how his dementia is causing some agitation, perhaps there can be a straighter line into the VA. If he is going home with you first, you may have the luxury of getting his new room set up with familiar clothes and having him enter once it is in order. If you are moving him and his stuff in simultaneously, maybe he can have a meal or activity with staff while all is arranged. I have moved my father with memory loss and minimizing his viewing of the disruption made a difference. It allowed me to be efficient and matter of fact about the details with him. Walking into a room with a familiar touchstone and everything in place can help.
All the best. I moved my parents from 2 and a half hours away to half an hour away when their health started to fail. Best decision ever. Hang in there.
@NerdMom88 - I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please remember to take care of yourself in the process.
Great points, Travelnut! Change is difficult for seniors, especially with dementia. If you can make his new room feel familiar with art on the wall, a bedspread, knick knacks, whatever he has room for, that could help the transition.
When we moved FIL to independent living, out of his home of 50 years it was stunning how unable to cope & adapt he was. So much of his limited energy had to go into adapting to a new place and new routine; in his own home there was not a significant energy requirement for the basics, now, in the new place, his energy was gone after merely the basics. We moved him to assisted within about 2 weeks because he needed much more help in his new environment.
@NerdMom88 - wish I had actionable advice. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. What you’re going through is really difficult.
@NerdMom88 I’m thinking of you, too. My mom ended up with me 5 years ago, very abruptly. It’s been a struggle. Sorry for what you are going through.
@NerdMom88 Good Luck!! In hindsight I wish we had moved more into my Dad’s room before he moved in. It was all crazy and last minute. Whenever we try to add things to his room he makes us take them back, because he is “moving”.
For my parent’s last move, I took the folks out to a doctor’s appointment, lunch, and then my house while my DH, staff, and moving company got a room ready. All in all, about 8 hours. It actually agitated my mom a lot to have all her stuff there as she kept on, and continues to, obsessing about how she is going to pack everything for moving “tomorrow.”
When we moved my mother into the memory care unit, my step-daughter suggested that we use their furniture; she said it was both for my sake and my mother’s sake, we could pretend that it was a 30-day rehab for the broken arm. Then she said that after the 30 days, we could add an additional 30 days. At that point, we would have to move our own furniture in, and give 30 days’ notice if we decided to move her out. Which isn’t going to happen, I realize now. Mom has paid no attention whatsoever to what is around her, so I am sure my loving step-daughter did this for me. I am going to start shopping for furniture soon, and make the “apartment”(room) look homier. They keep the residents out and about with lots of activities, but the room looks fairly stark; I have already put a couple of chairs in there from home and my daughter took out a quilt that she made.
I’m not in any way going against the people who are saying get the room fixed before movein time.
And I am here to tell you that making time to take care of yourself will seem absolutely impossible. But find a way to do it; I didn’t at first, and it hit me hard.