@NerdMom88 I feel for you. Have been in a similar situation. I agree you need to take care of yourself too but I know that at times it will seem to be, or will be, impossible to do that. Try to power through when you need to and agree that there will be some respite.
Not sure if finances but if you can outsource anything (packing up possessions, sending to thrift stores, etc) do so! Take people up on offers to help. If it’s easier for you, tell yourself that you’ll pay it forward to someone else some day.
Interesting progression with my mother, she’s complained now & again over the past few years that people have broken her shower and mainly she seems confused as she has a valve to turn it on and a foot away, she has similar valve that sends the water to the handheld showerhead. This week she literally cannot figure out how to turn it on and get the water the proper temperature.
In her TV room entry their is a light switch for the TV room and one for the hall area which she is leaving, not sure what the confusion is, but the light switches are confusing her enough to ask for help with them, but there is no question once we are together looking at the switches.
Sad face
@somemom, sometimes I thought my mom was just messing with me, no one that smart could be that stupid so she was just trying for attention. But I realized that she also was a very proud woman and wouldn’t have shown the mistakes if she could avoid them. It is heartbreaking. Truely you are parenting a small child, problem is that you can’t teach, she doesn’t grown, she does the opposite. But you can still support her best as you can. It helps to talk to the solcial workers or someone because this doesn’t have to be a lonely journey…
@somemom the folks at the care home found she was having trouble adjusting the temperature and would rather take a cold shower than ask for help. Of course, she forgets she can ask for help. I’d say the thing that get’s both folks in trouble is the poor recognition of familiar things. I knew things were getting bad when the phone rang and dad would try to answer the thermostat or when he would get something from the refrigerator to drink and drink salad dressing.
It is amazing how quickly they can change, too. My close friend was with Mom today; she left about 3. I got there about 3 because I wanted to catch the doctor and his rounds aren’t carved in stone. Mom was upstairs in PT, so I just sat down in her room and read a book; the aides had asked permission to put her in diapers, which I had seen coming. The stint in the hospital with blood clots in her lungs set her back so badly, I don’t know if she will ever get back to where she was before. But any, she was fine and having conversations at 3:00 this afternoon, and at 4:00 she was yelling “SHOW ME! SHOW ME!!!” When you asked her what she wanted to be shown, her answers were varied. But the wound nurse called me this evening, and she’s going to collect some urine tomorrow; I don’t think the doctor there ever thinks of UTI’s in old people.
Honestly, many families have seen their loved one doing really well, and then all of a sudden the apple cart gets tipped.
I did an admission into rehab on a guy that has a medical issue really pulling him down, in part because he had a lengthy surgical procedure and still has confusion effects of the anesthesia two months later. He was in his own apt for 4/5 years; recent problems had the family arranging food deliveries and some care coming in - PT and care for ADLs. I don’t see him going back there - he may recover enough for assisted living IMHO.
FIL decided he didn’t want to travel to nephew’s wedding because he is having more trouble getting to bathroom to do #2 and he doesn’t want to travel and have diaper issues (he is OK with diaper for #1 occasional leakage/wetting, but not #2). MIL is fine with not going - her health is bad and trip stress is hard on her too. They just can’t take the stressors of the trip - and the risks it entails on their health, so it is good they are staying home. As MOB and them coming to DD’s wedding last summer, it was a strain on all around, including H and I who had to curtail some of the things around the wedding, and having to do a lot of extra at our home for their stay before and after the wedding.
Talked to a friend who was widowed and married a guy who was a bit older; told her his health was ‘great’. He lied. He was hiding how bad his health was, and was on 13 prescriptions. Long story short, she found he married her to be his caretaker - he promised her travel, which they did a little and then he had a fall in England - broke his hip/surgery… He didn’t include her in his will (she thought he would be like her first H, kind/generous/looking out for her) - he had money that he left to his kids. He sold his house and moved into hers - but she still has a mortgage…she was too trusting. He was controlling and a brat; very demanding of her attention. He actually first moved into assisted living when he could no longer manage at her home; had a hospitalization and then went to rehab; from rehab he couldn’t go back to assisted living, so he went into skilled care and was spending about $10k/month on all the services he needed. He actually was at the rehab I work at (and the food is very good) - of course he hated the food, but it was because he hated his health decline. Also that he didn’t have his W serving him her home cooking and babying him.
Some of this may be redundant:
Mom had her MRI and reports to us that she feels much less dizzy since that treatment (we are happy to accept placebo effects!)
MRI shows some brain shrinkage, nothing unexpected. We are trying aricept, my sister’s FIL had a great improvement with Namenda so maybe we will be lucky, too.
She is doing some PT for balance, seems smart.
My sister had an idea and I am going to look into it, Mom is bored out of her mind, has been since Dad died. I am thinking to hire someone to come in and do some exercises with her after she goes off PT, not even necessarily a PT person, just someone to walk her and keep her active. My MIL had an in home caregiver, but they never exercised her and she got weak, I think getting someone to maintain PT levels of activity could be smart and keep her busy and maybe they could be a ‘friend’ for her.
I find myself, all of a sudden, interested in the whole dementia thing, like ok, now she has issues with every day life, now it’s obvious, but if she had had a brain MRI every year for the last 20, would it be that all our brains shrink and all of a sudden key tissues shrink so dementia is function based or would be have seen a sudden increase in shrinkage lately?
It is so interesting how each person becomes more themselves, as dementia hits, each person experiences their own journey, one person wanders, one is afraid to go out, etc. We really do become more ourselves. Mom was always a fretter, when I look back, was a certain time of fretting an indication of the start of dementia, or is this fretting just more her being who she always was?
Brain shrinkage is normal as people age and amount of brain shrinkage doesn’t portend or diagnose dementia. There are some investigators looking at whether shrinkage in one part of the brain as opposed to another part of the brain could be more indicative of Alzheimer’s. I also think increased fretting is a normal part of aging (in which case I’m in trouble!). Excellent idea about having someone come in to help your mom with exercise. Even with structured chair yoga and some walks, I don’t feel my mom is getting enough exercise at her care home. Yesterday she told me she was tired of sitting. A friend of my daughter’s worked a few hours a week bringing an elderly man to the community gardens in town. I’m thinking of hiring my daughter to do something similar for mom.
I think having someone come in for little walks is a great idea. Maybe contact a near by community college that has sports medicine (not sure exactly what it is called) track. Our friends’ DS who is on the spectrum took something like that so he could fold towels at the YMCA… he was hoping to do more, but couldn’t. BUT point was that there was a class and the kids in it were nice and studying how to do sports stretching stuff.
I signed Mom up for the extra fingernail lady, got her (in-house) hair done every week, and the monthly massages. Mostly so she would get extra attention and people touching her. That was in the AL side. I couldn’t afford it in memory care side, but the aides there were much kinder and there were lots more of them. Had to stop the fingernail painting because she ate it off.
But point was that having any extra attention for her that you can delegate is a gift to both of you. Not bad at all to hire out!
Agree about benefit of having someone come in. My mother is supposed to be doing her PT exercises on her own in between the weekly in-home PT visit, but I doubt that is happening. She resists paying anyone to come in and help her with tasks that she ‘can’ do by herself, but since a serious fall last month, I have insisted that she have someone in to do things that are challenges with her balance.
The in-home physical therapist was able to suggest a lovely retired nurse, who is amazing with my mother. Once we have the LTC elimination period satisfied, we will have to move onto another care provider as she only wants to work off the books, but for anyone who will be paying outside of LTC, retired nurses can be a great resource.
@CT1417 - retired nurses sounds wonderful. I know you mentioned that you got the name from your PT, but do you happen to know if there is a resource for people to find retired nurses?
@5050100 --Unfortunately I do not know of such a resource. This woman is working under the table, and I am guessing that a network might invite tax questions. I would happily plus up her pay to cover taxes so that she could be reimbursed by the LTC carrier, but she does not want to do that. Good luck!
A retired nurse is also a good resource to take loved ones to MD appointments and if HIPPA releases are signed, (and loved ones agree), they can be an advocate and be an intermediary. You may try your state’s nursing association.
Again, this thread is so helpful. My dad fell off his bike on Thursday, and it began a whole list of extra things happening. Doctor visits, new medicine, home health care, etc. The wound is superficial, but any wound on a 91-year-old body is a big deal. (It could have been a lot worse.) Just reading helps me!
Tell your friend to talk to an elder care or trusts and estates lawyer. In some states, a spouse is legally entitled to a portion of the estate unless there is a pre-nup.
We just got 24 hour care for MIL. So, we are re-thinking our prior plan of selling her house and moving her somewhere else. The main problem now is trying to protect her from her own D. NYS is cracking down on opiate prescriptions so SIL is having trouble getting drugs. MIL’s doctor stopped writing the 120 a month oxycodones that SIL stole from MIL. So, two weeks ago, SIL trotted MIL, who can barely walk, to a pain management clinic, where she got some pills for $100. Apparently, they are gone because when we visited today, SIL was shrieking that MIL has to go back to the pain doctor because MIL is in so much pain (the aides have not confirmed this). MIL refuses to go back because it costs money. SO, here’s the scary part. MIL has Medicare and Blue Cross, which covers her hospital, rehab, meds, etc., as well as Medicaid for the home care. SIL has been calling around trying to enroll MIL in a pain clinic. Apparently, none of them will take her because she had BC, so she has been trying to talk MIL into canceling BC (which she has as the widow of a retired employee and it’s great coverage). This would leave her with just basic Medicare unless we pay for a supplemental policy. We are preparing an updated health care proxy (H is trust and estates lawyer) listing both H and I and we are going to have MIL execute it. Then, we are going to contact BC and tell them that they are not permitted to cancel her policy. I am really afraid of what is going to happen when SIL’s drug seeking no longer has an outlet. The last time we visited, she started telling me about all the things she bought for mIL with her (SIL’s) food stamps and implying that I should give her cash back. Umm, NO.
I hope that my kids don’t have to suffer and struggle with H and I as we get older. I am trying to protect H and I and do planning.
@ECmotherx2 – yes, I agree with you about the retired nurse being a wonderful patient advocate. In addition to remembering what the Dr says, she also understands the medical terminology and implications. (My mother can fixate on a word she hears, when that word didn’t really matter and then she misses the important part of the discussion.)
@techmom99 – I have found that some institutions (LTC carrier, investment firm, etc) do not accept a blanket POA but instead have their own POA form that must be executed (usually just signed and notarized), but then you have to mail or fax the form in and follow up to ensure that it is received and implemented. Endless reams of paperwork…
@techmom99 you should be able to manage health insurance with the durable POA, or whatever their version is, and you won’t need the health care proxy. But you should get the health care one as well. I recommend your H as the primary and you as the secondary instead of having 2 primaries. As 2 primaries, you can’t act independently.
How far do you want to go to get SIL out of the house? If you call adult protective services, relate the stories to them, they may be able to intercede. How much pain medication does your MIL actually need? It must be difficult to evaluate since SIL has been stealing the drugs.
(we are happy to accept placebo effects!)