There’s an expression, “When in doubt, lie.” I don’t mean to sound unethical, but can you tell him something changed, the venue is now not accessible, the college is now limiting you to two tickets, or etc?
I love the line from Dangerous Liaisons: “It’s…beyond…my…control.” You apologize profusely, but keep breathing.
In many cases, this is just the wrong event for our elders. The deciding point can’t always be, “But they want…” We sat behind a family that brought their granddad and he was clearly uncomfortable, disoriented, and talked through it. It was quite hot in the space and restroom lines were out the door. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude.
@SouthFloridaMom9 - Dh has said all along that he will take care of his parents (his mom runs circles around me - only his dad has mobility issues) at graduation so that I will be able to focus on ds. Before I figured out to rent a golf cart, I had asked him what he would do if he was forced to stop and wait for his dad or go on ahead to see ds receive his diploma, and he replied,”I don’t know.” The campus is massive, and there is only an hour (maybe a bit more) between the large ceremony and the diploma ceremonies. Unfortunately, ds’s diploma site is as far away as it could possibly be. Just luck of the draw. I’ve mapped it, and it is 1.2 miles walking. I have suggested they only attend the diploma ceremony, but father-in-law insists he is attending everything. He is very proud of ds (as he should be), but he either does not realize or does not care about the burden his attendance places on everyone.
@lookingforward - you are not being rude AT ALL. I agree with you 100%. I don’t want him to attend. I know that is probably very selfish of me. There is no way to lie about it. The commencement website makes it clear that events are not ticketed.
There is no doubt that it a wrong event for my father-in-law. I am fearful of his falling, of the heat, of fatigue, of all kinds of issues.I don’t think they have any concept of how long and difficult the day is going to be. But, how can we tell them, “You are not allowed to go.” They are adults. They have financial resources. There is no way we can stop them from attending. This talk of going to graduation started Christmas of ds’s junior year of college. Fil was slow then, but it is much worse now. So, I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We could abandon them and let them fend for themselves (undoubtedly would be an unmitigated disaster and would set a bad example for ds) or we can do the best we can to help them.
As I said, I can only hope dh will see how difficult it will be and will speak up. I have told him that at some point (perhaps not this point, but sometime) he and his sister have to learn to tell father-in-law, “No.” As you can well-imagine, there is a lot of baggage and many family issues that have not been dealt with. Fil is a harsh, critical soul with narcissistic tendencies. He has that “king of the castle” mentality that is so prevalent among his generation. Everyone walks on egg shells around him, and no one stands up to him.
@lookingforward - My mom’s neurologists and nurse call it “therapeutic fibbing”.
@Hoggirl - I’m so sorry that this is becoming such a logistical struggle on what should be a happy and carefree event. When I graduated, my father and grandparents ended up sitting in my apartment because the weather was terrible (rainy and cold) and there was no way to safely get them from the apartment to the stadium to the hall housing the diploma ceremony. My mom never thought to plan ahead. Ended up being a miserable day for everyone. Including me, the graduate :(. FWIW, I think it’s good that you are thinking about your own needs in this.
@Hoggirl . For a caregiver you could contact a local to graduation home health agency. You could tell the in laws that the golf cart comes with a driver (the caregiver) and they stay for extra help at such an event.
@calla1 I feel a lot of empathy for your situation!
My 88 year old Mom fell about 2 weeks ago. No breaks but now can’t walk until some healing happens. Spent a week living at her place and now she is living at mine.
I hope patience and time prevail in your favor. My mom is ever so slowly realizing that she can’t be left alone, that sleeping on her floor is not a long term option for me, etc.
Just popping in to say that my brother’s overnight with my father did a world of good in terms of opening his eyes.
He called me last night and I actually felt sorry for him because I could hear his shock and fear. He’s actually, on his own initiative, starting the process of finding caregivers.
It’s amazing how relieved I am when nothing about my father’s condition has changed. Now I feel part of a team instead of being the alarmist pariah. It makes such a difference.
@calla1 that’s excellent news, I am so glad your brother’s eyes have been opened so easily!
On the graduation complexities with the narcissistic, unrealistic, demanding FIL, I’m sorry, I can relate and all I can say is that my FIL was demanding and unrealistic to the bitter end and there was nothing we gained in trying to make nice. He never agreed to the realities of what was happening, that plan to “feel better” seems to be darned common!
@calla1 - I am happy for you that your brother was able to clearly see the realities of the situation.
@somemom - there is no love lost between fil and me anyway, so I am wondering if I should step up to the plate and be the bad guy in all of this. The sad thing is that I do think he might “feel better” if he is able to get the shunt put in. It really does seem to sometimes make a world of difference. It’s hard to feel sorry for him, however, since he put off going in to see someone for such a long time. He has had mobility issues for at least a year and a half.
We have a dear friend whose granddaughter was married Sunday. The problem is on the days leading up to the wedding, he was busy hosting a dear friend and aggravated his injured vertabrae, so he has been in acute pain since, so much so that we rushed to Walgreens to buy him a wheelchair the night before the wedding (with Walgreen membership number was $40 off for $125).
He was in such pain his son saw him hunched over and moaning in pain after the festivities and was able to persuade him to let him take him to the ER. He was at ER from 5pm until 3am and then discharged.
I agree that hiring a caregiver to be the driver of the golf cart and attendant is an excellent idea if FIL insists on attending.
We are all traveling to CO for nephew’s wedding on the 12th. Talked to SIL last night who is more concerned about drama with MIL/FIL than I am. 88 YO FIL/MIL plan to travel by car from WI to CO (cousin driving, she is one of their caregivers) and will stay in a family rented condo. I have enough on my plate, and had enough of the wedding stresses FIL/MIL added with DD’s wedding last year in AL. Once I got to the rehearsal dinner things were better for me because other people took over with MIL/FIL (due to the extra work created by MIL/FIL staying at our home before and after the wedding time in another city, I missed the rehearsal and was late to rehearsal dinner but it all worked out - H went in an earlier vehicle and was participating in all his duties). H was annoyed with me after the rehearsal dinner, so when we went to hotel and he went with the group to party at our suite (bringing the drinks, snacks etc for our bar area was one of the last minute things I needed to do before going to rehearsal dinner) AND I went with the group that went to the hotel bar area. H says I ‘ditched him’ H… YES! I had a great time the rest of the wedding. Not sucked into any drama. Had to leave the wedding city location early because MIL/FIL were ‘tired’ and H and I took them back to our home. I made a big meal Sunday night, and BIL took them for drive back to WI on Monday. H and I were EXHAUSTED.
During the wedding, FIL was talking and of course loudly because he is hard of hearing!!! - he was in his w/c two pews in front of us and H had to lean over and nudge him to be quiet several times…
Thankfully nothing terrible happened medically along the way. FIL/MIL helped raise this nephew, and I do understand MIL’s desire to be there (FIL is going along because he needs to stay together as a couple and doesn’t want to be home alone).
I have enough on my plate. DD1’s water broke at 4 am but was slowly leaking so she went to MD appt and is dilated 5 and getting admitted to hospital and they will start a pit drip. H and I will be en-route (100 miles) very soon. DD2 graduates Saturday before we travel to CO.
@momofsenior1 welcome. It sounds like your parents will be pretty far from you. It was difficult for me to have mine just 35 minutes away. Even with them at a CCRC, things came up I needed to attend to.
@Hoggirl My vote would be to try to keep your dad from attending graduation if at all possible. It sounds like he will not take kindly to a caregiver. But, it will have to be your DH to convince him of such. Good luck.
@calla1 It’s really hard when you have siblings to support your dad’s unrealistic plans. Please work on taking away the car if he is unsafe.
@GTalum and others. Yes, I don’t think my dh would be keen on hiring a caregiver. I know my father-in-law would resent it mightily. I’m afraid he might cause a scene. I am hopeful that when we visit Mother’s Day weekend dh is going to be able to more objectively see how unwise it is for his dad to attend commencement. I will report back after our trip. I appreciate the support here.
@gtalum This will be the first time in over 15 years that my parents aren’t living nearby in the same town. We’ve already had a hospitalization crisis last month but thankfully my brother was already scheduled to be visiting. I number of people have asked me if I’m going to go back to work now that dd is graduating and I don’t have caregiving responsibilities with my parents, but I’m going to take a few months and see how often I need to be flying down there. I think the logistics are going to prove challenging.
I think what people (not us!) don’t understand is that care giving continues. Many times I have had to stop what I’m doing and perform some sort of damage control so that whatever crisis or situation occurs doesn’t escalate.
So Hoggirl, maybe we need to help you avoid being FIL’s default caretaker and aide, if your DH doesn’t notice or underestimates a need. Or ending up responsible for chatting up MIL, accompanying her to the bathroom, etc.
At a funeral, we had one my my girls’ friends watch my mother, be her escort. We didn’t tell my mother, but this gal stayed close. It’s different than a golf cart and covering a good distance, though. Maybe you call the person a campus guide, no mention of hiring him or her.
Yes, a VIP personal campus guide would sound more attractive than a caregiver. Don’t tell them there us any cost but pay the person privately and say it is provided because your graduate did do amazingly well this is one of the perks IF FIL continues to insist on attending.
DH has been going through MIL’s exhaustive trove of paperwork. She was a dedicated chronicler of . . . everything. She also had a disparaging turn of phrase and thought it was up to other people to adjust and get along with her. Since her files are linear feet of phone bills sprinkled with the occasional signed annuity contract, he has to handle every single piece of paper. It’s hard to have her belittling him, us, and others even though she’s dead. She was so poisonous and alienated her entire extended family as well as friends of decades. We just want to deal with her death by remembering whatever good we can salvage from the relationship, but then we come across her words of scorn or condescension. I don’t know whether to scream endlessly or just convince DH to order the most vulgar and insipid marble cherub possible as a grave marker.
After we get her estate settled, we are paring down our files to the bone so our kids won’t have the added headache. We’ll also watch out for anything that might be an emotional landmine. I don’t want either of my sons on this thread in thirty years, but maybe I should reserve a couple of user names just in case.
@Hoggirl for DS2’s commencement, DIL’s mother and I put together a lunch in their suite lounge. (DS2 and DIL graduated together). Since there were life-threatening food allergies on my side of the family, I took on the planning, prep, and triple-checking involved. That took a lot of my head space, and I missed much of the after-ceremony where people got to mill around, take pictures, etc. I’d still do it the same way – everyone stayed safe, and we all had a really nice time together. But what I’m getting at is even though it was my decision, I missed things I’d really have loved to be part of. You shouldn’t have to be pulled away from something based on expectations and pressure coming at you from others.
And congratulations on your student’s upcoming commencement!
Well, father-in-law’s consultation with the neurosurgeon is Friday, May 25th. Exactly three weeks before they are scheduled to fly out for commencement No idea what is going to happen at this point. I have no idea if they could get him on the surgical schedule prior to then or not. If they do, he clearly will not be recovered in time to attend. I am a bit concerned that they may offer, but he will defer it until after commencement. I would certainly hope he wouldn’t do that. Dh has made it clear to mil that they do not have to attend. I think she probably sees all the challenges. Either fil is refusing to see them or selfishly doesn’t care who he inconveniences. I do think his grandson is important to him, but I also think he wants to have a story to tell and to annoy me. I wouldn’t venture a guess as to the ratio of the three motives.
