@HouseChatte - I feel for your husband. I had to touch and decide on every piece of paper in my mom’s house for the same reason. Sweepstakes entries mixed in with blank checks, written but not mailed checks, annuity statements, fake donation mail, bank statements, cash, napkins, 30 year old newspapers, wrapping paper, construction paper, on and on, waist high through three or four rooms. At least I could pitch other hoarded items. I eventually boxed and bagged 20-30 large garbage bags of paper to sort at my home at my “leisure”. I was also stunned by some of the ramblings that were written and not true. When they use the term thankless job, this is it.
Yup. And I had a bit of ptsd from it. Take care of yourselves and the involved spouse.
@Hoggirl , I hope you get to enjoy the graduation without having to manage FIL. My FIL kept saying he wanted to go, but fortunately DH knew it wasn’t possible, and we were able to just not schedule the trip for him so it didn’t happen. Fortunately, he was not able to master the task of scheduling the trip himself. It really would have been a disaster - lots of walking uneven surfaces, rain, heat, sun…Nothing an unsteady elder needed. And we got to focus on the graduate, not on managing Grandpa.
@HouseChatte , I was the one who went through FIL’s papers. Much could be thrown out without review, but yes, there were CD certificates and life insurance policies mixed in with utility bills and letters to the city and smut. It made mourning harder. I like your idea of the grave marker, though.
My mother was humiliated today at the weekly “Wine Wednesday” at lunch.
The assisted living just sent her to detox for her cocktail hour which was exactly that- a ritual hour. But they had concerns about falling. So she went to this unit for geriatric psych. to “detox” (none needed actually) and she got seriously confused and disoriented.
Then she comes back to Wine Wed. where her 8 friends at the lunch table get served alcohol and she doesn’t.
So she made her way to the pub at 4 (Her AL has a pub) and had two drinks. The nursing director challenged her and my mother told her that I had told her to go to the pub. And she believed her. Now I am going to hear I am enabling her!
Honestly, it’s one drama after another and somehow I always end up the bad guy. And my mother just continues to do what she wants as she always has.
I am considering withdrawing for awhile. I don’t mind the workload but the emotional side of dealing with a difficult elderly parent AND the AL is tough. I think dealing with the AL is the toughest.
@HouseChatte oh my, I totally get it! We had a paperwork burning evening that brought up some incredible emotions, brought up feelings and memories that apparently were buried rather than expunged. It took us a while to process all that, and I won’t even say it was good to deal with it, because no feelings changed, other than trying to let go of never having lived up to the expectations. Best wishes you are finished with that task soon.
@compmom - wow. I am so sorry. It just feels like there is no winning.
I have a better picture of what to expect now. Dh talked to his mother tonight. When he got off the phone he said, “He (being fil) is _ell-bent on attending graduation.” Unless he can have the shunt surgery and recover prior to graduation (which is impossible) he will put it off until after graduation so he can attend. I’m totally SOL. I can only hope and pray that nothing disastrous happens. I hope I can hold my tongue while we are visiting this week. The level of stubbornness is unbelievable. I know dh would balk at the idea of a caregiver/tour guide/whatever. I may or may not be able to hold my tongue when we visit with the in-laws next week.
Thank you for the support, and especially to those of you who went through the same thing. It’s reassuring and terribly sad that others have had to deal with it too.
@Hoggirl so sorry. Sounds like you’ve been a good DIL. But this is your kid’s day. Give yourself permission to enjoy it and be there for your kid. It appears that you’ve thought of options to facilitate FIL, which seem reasonable to me. If your DH balks at the idea, that’s his choice. Then he gets to deal with his parents. During your visit, I’d make it abundantly clear that you will be there for YOUR son, accommodations have been made to help the inlaws. But being there for your son (and not missing anything) is your top priority that day.
@Hoggirl - yah, I am tempted to type the words I am thinking and leave some letters out, but I don’t use that language. Honestly, I say, too bad to them. If they don’t choose to be grown ups, that does not mean you have to dance to their tune. Tell DH you will have nothing whatsoever to do with caring for them, if they insist they can do it, let them do their own arrangements and you know what? Maybe they will fail? Maybe there will be a crisis? Maybe FIL will get it through his thick head that it’s actually not all about him?
Those are bitter words coming from experience 
And no, my FIL never figured out it was not about him and I still resent the times I allowed him to convince me to do what he needed, because that was easier than listening to him complain. If they are so bad off that he does, in fact, need help, then perhaps he needs to hire a caregiver for the weekend?
@Hoggirl I am so sorry, and I totally agree with Somemom. My MIL made our lives totally miserable both during my step-daughter’s Bat Mitzvah and the same step-daughter’s wedding. They caved in to her demands until we were all pulling our hair out, but SD finally stood up to her and said STOP! MIL was highly insulted, but she lived through it. Please tell your husband that it’s all on him. I didn’t do that often enough.
@gosmom @somemom @mykidsgranny
Thank you all for the support. I am going to put it all on my husband should fil attend. Dh is less of a control freak than I am and worries far less. If he does not ask the following sometime during our visit this week, I am going to ask fil as politely and calmly as possible:
- do you plan to inform your doctor of your travel plans to see what he advises?
- if so, will you follow his advice?
- would you consider using a cane? (not sure about asking this - it’ll tick him off. It might be a bad idea anyway since he isn’t used to one)
- who is this weekend supposed to be about (I’m assuming he is at least self-aware enough to know the answer is ds!!)
- who will the weekend be about if you fall?
Depending on the answers to the above, I may or may not send a short note to the neurosurgeon about my fears of fil being a fall risk. I know the neurosurgeon cannot communicate with me. I’m trying to decide if my motives for considering this are pure and if sending a note to the doc is just TOO MUCH and I need to completely LET IT GO! Any MDs out there who would share any thoughts on how they would receive/perceive a note that is tattling by an “outlaw” - meaning in-law, of course! Ha ha!
I have also decided that I need to not imbibe while we are visiting so my tongue doesn’t get the better of me!
@Hoggirl - I have often sent notes to my parents’ doctors prior to an appointment. Most of the time, they are for more benign reasons. As you know, the doctor cannot talk directly to you but I think most MDs would want to do what is best for the patient and his family and will back you up if conditions warrant.
@surfcity - I’m going to see how it all plays out when we visit. I am hopeful that my sister-in-law will make sure the question gets asked since she plans to attend the appointment with them. But, I am the one who will have to contend with him at commencement as she is not going. I also have no way of knowing whether or not the doctor would receive it 
I do think sending it certified, return receipt requested WOULD be too much!
Yes, I knew the doctor could not communicate with me because of HIPPA. I just want him to be aware. It may be fine for fil to travel. I would feel better if it were cleared by the neurosurgeon, however. I’m not sure fil wouldn’t go against his advice, though.
@Hoggirl - I am seeing how hard it is to let go of responsibility for your FiL’s challenges and needs for this trip. With lots of elder care (and missteps) behind me, I’d make this exclusively between your DH and his parents/family; not orchestrating anything in anticipation of the weekend. Opting out of a poor plan means that you get to practice shrugging and focusing on your graduate. Let someone else own it. It can be empowering all around. You may indeed bite a hole in your tongue, yet it could change things for the better going forward.
All the best as you celebrate!
@Hoggirl I meant to answer you more completely - I really empathize with your situation. I ended up telling my parents that there were no places to stay for S graduation last year. Which was kind of true. The hotels were all sold out but we stayed in dorms. However, my T1 diabetic father with a walker would have needed someone with him to make sure he ate and checked his sugar etc and he could not use a dorm bathroom safely. I was not going to give up enjoying the graduation activities and fortunately my parents were reasonable and settled for watching them live-streamed.
I have had success in faxing my letters to doctors offices. When I have enough time I have sent them US mail and they get to the doctor.
@travelnut - good advice. Well, I’ve already done most of the planning, but I guess I no longer have to do any more going forward. In fact, I don’t think there is anymore anyone can do. I now regret renting the golf cart. They absolutely could not have made it without it, and all this might have been a moot point. Although, I still think he would have insisted he could do it. He absolutely wouldn’t have been able to walk the 1.2 miles from the main ceremony to the diploma ceremony. I suppose I am trying to protect him - which is weird, because I didn’t parent my kid like that. Was very much into natural consequences with ds. But fil is very pitiful to watch even though I don’t really like him. And, it has been very important to him to attend.
@Hoggirl - It is so tough! Yet the less you do, the more reality may hit those who really need to appreciate it. Us “fixers” can wind up with a family full of members who are quite disconnected from our elders’ needs, as well as oblivious to what it takes to meet those needs. Some will never “get it”, but others can come along with encouragement.
It seems worthwhile for spouses to cultivate the understanding of what time of day it is together as much as possible. I waved the white flag on my siblings rising to the occasion, but together, DH and I grew into a solid elder care team. Good for all, including our now adult kids, who are exposed to our thought process and all the ambiguities of 3 grandparents declining. Hoping it will serve them well over time. This thread got me through a lot of the worst times. So grateful for the shared experiences. Hang in there.
(What would happen if you and your husband found the golf cart to no longer be available? Just interesting to kick around lots of ways to view the situation together.)
@travelnut - my dh would never buy into lying to his parents. Fil had originally booked a roach motel for them to stay in. Seriously, the reviews on Yelp were HORRIBLE! I had a thread about that as well. I couldn’t stand the thought of putting mil through staying there, so I wanted us to pay for a room at our hotel, but dh had some concerns about insulting them by offering that. They are NOT poor - but he is VERY cheap. Someone on the thread suggested saying we were able to use points to get the room to make that concern less of an issue. I pitched it to dh, and he said that he would not lie to his parents. They know we’ve booked the golf cart. I shared that with mil because I am trying to alleviate her stress as well. I knew the hotel offer was not going to be an insult as I knew he would only hear that he didn’t have to pay for it and jump on it.
I truly appreciate all of your suggestions. I just know dh, and he won’t go for “fibbing.”
I used to send my letters to my mother’s doctor in the mail ahead of time. That always worked out well.
I will add that part of my motivation is to protect my dh. I really don’t want him to have to be in a position of missing out on anything because he is having to tend to his father.