@b1ggreenca - i am sorry for your loss.
Re: the rumor mentioned above that alcohol “floats to the top” and can’t be diluted with water
I double-checked this with Happydad the biochemist today. Go ahead and dilute it all you want. It doesn’t separate from the water. If it did, you’d have to give that bottle of wine or can of beer or bottle of gin a good shake before you poured it into a glass, and you certainly don’t see people doing that every day, do you?
Of course whether or not gin that you’ve diluted to be safe enough for your mom to drink tastes enough like gin to her would be a different issue you might want to find a solution for. 
@b1ggreenca I’m sorry for your loss.
@b1ggreenca Sorry for your loss.
‘It’s Almost Like a Ghost Town.’ Most Nursing Homes Overstated Staffing for Years
Payroll records for more than 14,000 facilities show that the number of nurses and aides at work dips far below average some days and consistently sinks on weekends.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/07/health/nursing-homes-staffing-medicare.html
My mother has been in a nursing home for the past 11 years, so I’m not surprised that staffing has been overstated. At her facility, I don’t think I’ve ever seen when they don’t have enough registered nurses and LPNs (altho subs and temps aren’t as familiar with the residents so care suffers), but not having enough CNAs does happen & staff turnover among CNAs tends to be high. My mother has been fortunate to have among the longest-serving CNAs taking care of her, but that’s not the case for everyone.
Each state regulates their nursing homes (skilled care facilities). I work at a skilled care/rehab facility that I am pleased with strong and capable nursing management and facility overall well run. We train our own CNAs and that keeps a steady supply. I would not work there if it was not good overall quality.
It is very hard work and with many challenges. Very much a human service for those who do the work well.
Our state has annual inspections. Some of the state requirements are over the top (like 8 step procedure to draw a blood sugar using a gluco-meter - yes 8 steps!)
"Re: the rumor mentioned above that alcohol “floats to the top” and can’t be diluted with water
I double-checked this with Happydad the biochemist today. Go ahead and dilute it all you want. It doesn’t separate from the water. If it did, you’d have to give that bottle of wine or can of beer or bottle of gin a good shake before you poured it into a glass, and you certainly don’t see people doing that every day, do you?"
I am a chemist and I confirm what happydad said. Alcohol and water are easily miscible. Dilute all you want.
Have any of your parents been prescribed one of the memory meds for evidence of short term memory loss? At my mom’s geriatrician appointment today he saw a decline of a couple of points on the memory test and suggested she consider starting one of the medications. i don’t know which on yet as the nurse will call my sister to discuss the options/side effects etc.
Mom is 86, lives alone in an apartment, and, so far, is capable of handling her day-to-day life, including taking her meds twice a day. We do have all her meds delivered monthly in pill paks identified by the day and date, as well as morning and evening. So far she’s remembering to take them, and as a back up, my two sisters and I each speak to her once a day and ask her to make sure they’ve been taken. I just haven’t heard much about the efficacy of the meds, especially in cases of general memory loss due to aging, not Alzheimer’s or some other more specific degenerative condition. Thanks in advance for any help on this topic.
My sister’s FIL is taking one, I believe Namenda, he still has dementia, but is way more functional. He lives at home with his wife and it has helped her care for him much more easily, which is still exhausting.
My mother got 26/30 on the MMI this year, missed 2/3 words to recall, she is taking Aricept, I am not sure if it is making much difference as she was not significantly bad at the time, but we have noticed fewer “Aunt Clara” moments, searching for words and uh-buh-uh-uh stumbling over the missing words. But that’s it.
She is having weird strong dreams, but she was having those before, too. I did move the pill to morning in case it was causing the dreams.
The problem is that it is a moving target, who knows how they would be without the meds.
@runnersmom these meds are used for general memory loss whether it’s for Alzheimer’s or not. The problem is, there is no way to tell if a condition is Alzheimer’s or vascular. In your mom’s case, it seems the goal is to keep her where she is, independent living, and a medication may help her maintain that function for an undetermined period of time. Emphasis on the “may.”
^question ? A friend’s husband was diagnosed with Vascular and Alzheimers- it was my understanding his Ct or MRI showed signs of mini. Small strokes- hence the vascular diagnosis ?
@GTalum, agreed, that is the hope. I was under the impression that particular prescriptions in that class of drugs was only effective for diagnosed Alzheimer’s; clearly I was mistaken. My sister said the doctor prescribed Namenda because, to the best of his knowledge, it has the least possible cardiac side effects. Since she has long standing cardiac issues, he thought this was the way to go, at least at first. Smallest dose possible, once a day at night to begin. Our goal is, as you predicted, to stave off further decline as long as possible, or at least slow it down. He also changed her anti-depressant because he feels the new one has fewer possible cardiac issues. I must say, having a dedicated geriatrician who looks at her and her medical history through the lens of what is appropriate for a relatively (and I use that word advisedly!) healthy 86 year old has been wonderful.
I’m not sure you are mistaken @runnersmom It’s just that most dementia is not purely one thing or another. There is no way to tell except on autopsy.
Dementia has a pretty big group of differences - they are getting better at identifying various ones and some medications are helping. There is the ‘slipping away’ - and a lot of acceptance and coping.
Just another wave to vent and ask for remote support. Not for me this time, but for my SIL. Her mom died about 4 years ago and her dad remarried within 6 months. Her dad has had 2/3 of his intestines removed because of kinks/blockages/ruptures but has stayed pretty healthy and with it, except now his kidneys are failing and he is refusing dialysis. The new wife is VERY concerned about the estate (not huge, but not nothing). He recently sold his house and put all the proceeds in just a checking account in his and SIL’s names. Now new-wife is trying to do something with that money. SIL is the executor and will split that money with her siblings after expenses are all taken care of, which is the plan I think her dad cooked up. I feel really badly for my SIL ( and she isn’t even my favorite person) because no one needs drama while trying to watch their dad slip away. I’d offer to support her, but she has always kept HER family separate from HIS (my bro’s) family. So I’m just soliciting good vibes for her… I honestly think it helps. At least for sure the venting here helped me so many times.
And to do the public service announcement to try to get parents to take care of business BEFORE getting remarried, please please please.
Sheesh, if wife2 drains the account.
Consulting a lawyer wouldn’t be a bad idea. The second wife might have a claim despite the estate plan; depends on state law. Getting legal advice now about the possibilities could head off some problems.
Wife2 isn’t on the account so not in her control, which seems to be the issue. Consulting a lawyer now seems like it would throw gasoline on the simmering fire (if wife2 found out). SIL has no problem with wife2 getting some of the estate… but has a problem trying to talk to her dad about things like the checking account and getting blocked by wife2.
I would tell her via my brother that she should talk to a lawyer in her dad’s state because she lives in a different state and use that as an excuse. Mostly it is that she (SIL) doesn’t want to be questioned right now about her plans since she PLANS to follow her dad’s wishes, if only she could talk with him to find out details without a supervisor. At least there is not a lot of “stuff” to sort out, they (siblings) did that when their dad sold their old home.
I am cynical because my Mom’s second husband was so very evil. She did all she could (EXCEPT a pre-nup) and still he stole from her big time.
As always, just being heard helps! So thank you for the replies.
Initial consultations are often free or an hourly rate. I agree any attorney needs to be in the state where the person in Q resides. I don’t see why the 2nd wife needs to know an attorney has been consulted—this is what a conscientious person would do.
It’s unfortunate she won’t allow SIL to speak with her own dad without a monitor present, but sounds like that’s the reality of the situation.