@esobay Great idea to have a more neutral context for attorney consult in mind – any beneficial reason is the truth, so SIL could phrase it according to what she knows of wife2. So sorry your family is going through this.
New to this thread. My question: My dad is 90 and seems to be losing his mental faculties. He’s getting confused more easily. He still is able to take care of his toileting needs, and my 86yo mom seems able to care for him just fine (she’s starting to get forgetful but physically is in great shape). I asked her whether he is violent, and she says no.
What do you do with someone like my dad? Just keep him at home? My siblings and I definitely see a deterioration but don’t know what to do other than ride it out. I think this is just garden variety, age-related dementia. Is there anything TO DO? TIA
In my limited personal experience, the choices are move them to some sort of care facility, nursing home-assisted living-board & care, or let them stay in their home, possibly with hired helpers, or move them in with one of their kids.
All have pros & cons, more cons than pros as it stinks getting old and losing independence, it just does.
@runnersmom If you don’t mind me asking what is the new antidepressant with less cardiac effects and does it work?
The new, for her, antidepressant is Lexapro…the jury is still out on whether it works as well as the Celexa (I think that’s what it was). In the short term she’s seemed a little more confused than usual, but we don’t know whether it’s the new med (probably unlikely) or just the current state of affairs. To be honest, she’s on a baby dose, so we don’t really have a good sense of what impact it’s having. The doctor is willing to titrate up a bit but we’re waiting on that for a bit.
Lexapro is the pro-drug for Celexa. It’s the same medication with some of the side-effects removed. It should work just as well. Welcome @“Youdon’tsay”. If your dad and mom are safe and doing well, I would leave them where they are as long as there is a supportive relative or friend to monitor. I would have a heart-to-heart with your mom to make sure she is doing OK and care giving burdens are not too much. However, since she is forgetful, she probably has dementia as well and may not be able to recognize and verbalize struggles. My parents didn’t even recognize the dementia in each other.
Someone will need to monitor. But, I would have a back-up plan or plans ready to go. What would the next step be? Home health aide/living with child/memory care/adult care home/day care??? It would be important for all siblings to agree on such a backup.
Also, as a reminder to all of us, decide on goals of care. For my folks, in early dementia, we put DNRs in place. Now with more severe dementia, I have not to hospitalize or send to the ER unless in severe pain.
@“Youdon’tsay” welcome to this thread. You will find everyone will listen, no one passes judgement and we all willingly share what we have learned. This is also a wonderful place to vent. Have you discussed with your parents a living will, POA, reviewed finances, medications, etc.? At this point, if your mom seems to handle things well with your dad, suggest maybe getting someone in on occasion to shop, do laundry or some housekeeping. Make sure your mom doesn’t neglect herself. Have you reviewed any possible medications with his MD for memory or mood if needed?
New to this thread. Mom is 80 and moved in with us after multiple strokes. She is depressed but won’t take medicine for it and doctor weaned her off of Xanax which was helping. We are now on a search for another antidepressant and adjusting to the life of taking care of her full time and the kids
I second @ECmotherx2’s post, especially the part about finding out if your parents have done health care and financial planning, specifically having powers of attorney in place. Those documents can be prepared only while the individual is competent. If a person becomes incompetent and doesn’t have POAs, making decisions on their behalf might require getting a guardianship and that is much more complicated and expensive.
@readthetealeaves - you’ll find a lot of good advice here. We took in my mom five years ago (multiple strokes, dementia/Alzheimer’s) and it certainly is a lifestyle change. She complains every single time I give her meds (twice a day) but takes them. She’s on Sertraline and it seems to be helpful. I give her things to keep her busy, too. Last summer she painted 15 little wood birdhouses. This summer she has little canvases. She does word searches and can still read books. It’s tough to keep her busy, but we do what we can.
Yes, I think that’s all in place. My brother is the executor. Money right now isn’t a problem. We are grateful to have TriCare so it’s been free/inexpensive to this point.
The main thing I worry about is if things start to go south. My dad won’t want any help in the house, because he’s paranoid that the helper will rob them or something. My mom has said that she won’t put him in a nursing home. It will be a battle one way or the other if things get worse for my dad.
@“Youdon’tsay” , it’s good that you’re starting to think about the battles ahead. Because yes, as you are aware, they will occur. I’m guessing that at the very least, your father will eventually need help with toileting and that eventually your mom will not be able to provide assistance with that. My former mother-in-law has had Alzheimer’s disease for at least 10 years (she’s 92) and she hasn’t been able to go to the bathroom on her own for a few years, can’t walk, can’t get into the wheelchair on her own, and can’t eat on her own. All those symptoms are from the Alzheimer’s; her health is okay otherwise.
Her and her husband’s caregiver is my ex-husband. He started part-time caregiving in 2011; it has been full-time, 24/7 since 2013. The fact that his dad didn’t want nonfamily caregivers and didn’t want MIL in a nursing home was a major contributor to the destruction of my marriage.
Do you know if the Tricare will cover in-home, nonmedical care? My former in-laws have great health insurance but like most health insurance, it doesn’t cover nonmedical and nonnursing care.
I’m sorry to hear about the stress it put on your marriage, @rosered55
As I wrote out the Tricare piece, I thought to myself … I wonder what it provides for when it comes to home care? I’ll research that now.
Thank you, @“Youdon’tsay” . We had other issues, and my ex-husband’s family has issues, too, so my and their situation isn’t typical. But many of the things I’ve learned about the stresses of caregiving and about Alzheimer’s disease apply broadly, not just to people in our somewhat unique circumstances. Educating yourself and the rest of your family is vital, and that you are doing so already will be a big help to you and your parents and the rest of your family.
I’ll second the stress on your marriage aspect when a parent refuses logical next steps. Having my mom here has been very damaging emotionally. I would try to introduce home help as soon as possible just to get them over the hurdle of thinking it’s bad. When things go south it happens very quickly and there isn’t much time to explore options.
I’ll second the stress that bringing a parent to live with you can bring. As I’ve mentioned before, we moved my mother in with us a few months ago. Thank God my husband has the patience of a saint!
Mom (and I) spent three weeks of June in the hospital or in transition care, and we just went in for her initial outpatient PT appointment. She is a retired RN and a diabetic in kidney failure, so needles are not at all unfamiliar to her. Nonetheless, she has already refused her nephrologist’s recommendation for treatments that would increase her red blood cell count and her iron because they both involve injections. Today she blew off the PT’s recommendation to either see a pain management specialist or give dry needling a try, for the same reason. She also refused to consider any exercises that involve lying on her back – ever! – despite the PT’s assurance that they wouldn’t try until it was easier for her to be in that position. Finally, she pooh-poohed the walker that the PT recommended before even walking with it, because she was convinced it would be unstable. I left there so frustrated I could cry, and I’m not sure it’s even worth my time to take her back.
I’m lucky that when my mother came to live with us it was DH’s idea, he invited her when I was out of town, so I figure he darned well better remain a saint 
The other aspect of the situation is that whilst her care has gotten way more intense this year, the differences between good and bad days is remarkable, it’s still easier for me than fielding numerous phone calls daily from an AL, wanting me to drive the 45 minutes each way for whatever little thing. Having overseen both in laws doing the IL/AL/SNF/Hospice thing the past few years, one or the other option may not be better, just different, painful in different ways. For now, as my mother is a kind & good person at hear and we’ve had a lifelong positive relationship, we are making it work at home. But it is time to bring others in to help me more. After a visit to my sister for a few weeks, I was preparing to get more people helping and then my mother took a real down turn, it’s been slow and steady improvement, she is doing much better now, so once again I am on the search trail for a helper, showers twice a week and someone to keep her company for a few hours so I can leave the house.
@“Youdon’tsay” my parents have Tricare and they don’t cover any in home, assisted living or nursing home care. There are veteran benefits for those who meet asset and income thresholds and can show a financial need. My admiration for all of you whose parents live with them. For those new to the thread, both of my parents have dementia. They are in a personal care home (6 residents) a mile from my house. I am so grateful to have them close by and other professionals to help me with the many behavioral challenges.
The two years or so my mother lived with us when recovering from a major illness were very taxing. She’s always been emotionally needy and had trouble with boundaries, and I’m much better able to maintain a warm and graceful relationship when we each have our own domain.
Just as people say age magnifies our traits, so does sharing a home.
@readthetealeaves just wanted to note that Xanax is not an anti-depressant, so hopefully the doctors will try an SSRi and that may have a positive effect on your mom.
And bless you all who have your folks living with you. It is not practical for me to do that with my dad’s medical needs but I am not sure I could handle it anyway.