I’m surprised my ex hasn’t had a breakdown or fallen ill himself. His parents are both 92 years old; his mom has Alzheimer’s disease, his dad has several ailments and is starting to exhibit cognitive decline, and they’re both using wheelchairs, mom because she can’t walk, dad because he won’t walk.
I took my mom to the podiatrist today. It took me 1 1/2 hours to get her ready for an appointment that lasted 7 minutes. When a caregiver says one of the things they do is take parents to the doctor, I have such an appreciation for what that entails…
@psychmomma I’m paying extra for the doctor’s making housecalls providers. It is great. The podiatrist and the geriatric psychiatrist as well as the primary care provider come to the care home. Well worth it. @HImom interesting your sib’s sudden concern. All day every day seems like a lot as they are also paying for a CCRC which has activities in which they can participate. However, I understand, in the 4 years my parents were at the CCRC they needed a manager to help them keep track of how and when to go to activities. I think the dementia was too advanced when they moved in.
@GTalum doctors making housecalls sounds divine
@psychmomma Yes. Taking someone to the doctor sounds so simple but it can be an all day affair
And that doctor appointment can be truly exhausting. My Mom struggled with exhaustion taking her to bed after the smallest activities post travel. A 90 minute trek to the podiatrist took her down hard and seriously dangerously weak and sick, needed dramatically more intense levels of help. When she fell this summer, I was totally blessed that a surgeon neighbor was home that day working on his house and came to stitch her up at our home, I cannot imagine how horrible would have been the recovery from an all day ED visit!
HIMom, I guess that interested sibling can start! The problem is that the folks are likely beyond the point of being entertained by things at the AL, if they cannot self-direct to activities, they may not really be up for the activity. I know that the several months the in laws were in AL, the really healthy people were off doing all sorts of fun things, but as soon as any one got puny, weak, sick, lost their mental acuity, they were pretty much alone all day with the TV, other than meals.
Yes, there is a full calendar of activities, a shuttle, dining room and snack bar. The only activity they do is eat and get transported by relatives to engage in whatever outside activities others propose.
They have never done activities there or use the shuttle.
AL my mom then 92 was in was very attentive and she was encouraged to participate in activities and she did and enjoyed them. But in the 2 years she was there her dementia got so much worse that she just went for meals to the dining room with reminders by staff. I really think that was all she could handle. They let here stay at the AL and not transfer to a memory care, which she had been in for a month and hated it, until her death at 94. The nurses knew her well and how to take handle her quirks. Unique situation. Her SILs took turns visiting weekly. I and my B lived many states away and decided that moving her would have been too disruptive to her. Her family also requested that she remain there. We visited several times a year and she did not know us. But I have to say that she was quite calm and I think enjoyed everything taken care of for her.
Somehow I have let things slide again so that I am not doing much besides care for my mother. I had such good intentions. I need to get back to tai chi and art and would love to make a little money. She fell and needs vestibular therapy as well as hand therapy. That takes care of two days. The assisted living calls and tells me she needs one of the PRN meds that I provide because the Al cannot by regulation. She gets depressed alone but won’t go to activities and says tablemates are “boring.”
Just saying, I have to take the reins back and get a semblance of life going for me for at least a few days a week. Started having heart palpitations and then got carted by ambulance to hospital admission for afib.
I think we can all relate. Some of us are no spring chickens ourselves. Apart from dementia, I think my mother is sometimes healthier than I am!
@compmom , YOU had aFib and an hospital admission? Yikes, girl, do put your own oxygen mask on first! I try to remind myself that my mother will be what she will be, no matter what I do- bored, annoyed, etc., and she will always want more and more attention from me. No matter what I do, it could not be enough, especially on the days when she forgets what’s already been done.
You won’t do a good job for your mother if you don’t take care of yourself first!!
My mother has been known to tear up at having no friends, but for the past decade I have pushed her to go to the senior center, to church things, to walk with older neighbors, etc. Nope, finds fault with it all! So, fine, be that way, but I cannot possibly make up the difference.
@compmom ^^^ Seconding @somemom fervently. My mother hasn’t got any cognitive challenges but did have the expectation that I’d fill all the empty holes she had. I was beside myself even absent the additional wrenches and heartache of dementia, and I finally had to realize I couldn’t be the whole universe for her. It’s actually made things more cheerful for me around her – I feel less pressure and am able to let myself enjoy our time together.
It’s hard having to do all the heavy lifting to improve something without the cooperation of the other person involved. I had a block against detaching from what she continued/continues to want and ask for. Oddly, though, setting my terms for interactions (working within admin and medical imperatives, etc.) relaxed me and improved the way time with her treats me.
@GTalum -
When my aunt was in an AL, a podiatrist came by weekly and saw all the patients on a list. I believe that Medicare covered toenail clipping once every 3 months so I put her on the list. The doctor put the bills in through Medicare and I paid nothing extra. Perhaps you can work with the care home to see if the doctor can see other patients at the same time and you can pay less or maybe nothing.
@compmom- this can all simply be too much, whether we wish it to workable or not. Good for you to seek ways to care for yourself, even as your mother grows frailer.
In case it is relevant at some point, I offer that my affable father with progressing memory loss transferred to skilled nursing memory care from an AL with a medical component (after 8 years) when he could no longer remember what options for activities were or formulate dinner plans. He was working much harder to keep his head above water than we knew. Once it became obvious after his best friend left the unit and he lost the routine of his day, the memory care unit was a gift. They had leveled activities all day and were staffed to prompt residents for them. He didn’t have to keep track of anything, could opt out or in, and retain a social life. Almost all medical issues were easily handled in-house. I did not have to be involved with medications. It was a gift to both of us. Additionally, there was an educational support group for family members that was helpful for setting realistic expectations, providing tips for handling unreasonable demands, venting, etc. Perhaps the Alzheimer’s Association near you offers a caregiver’s support group. All my best.
I went to an Alzheimers caretaker support group for a while. It was helpful although it was in a suburban area (I picked a place between my apartment in Brooklyn and my dad’s house in the burbs) and the other members had very different lives from mine as the single mom of a high school student in the city. The social worker who ran the group was very good.
The only reason I gave it up is that I found an amazing therapist and the only time she had for me conflicted with the meeting time of the Alzheimer’s group. Now, over five years later, I am almost done with therapy, which transformed my life! I am so lucky.
@compmom I second the others. Put on your own oxygen mask first. It sounds like you need to get your life back! I think it’s time for a higher level of care as indicated by @travelnut and what I had to do a year ago. I couldn’t add the support they needed and continue to work. You are needing to provide more support than you possible can as indicated by your new health problems.
@techmom99 there are only 6 residents at the care home and I don’t believe the podiatry fee is negotiable. But, we don’t pay extra for the Doctor’s Making House Calls provider as she sees all the residents every 3 months nor the psychiatrist and team who sees 4/6 residents. Fortunately, I only needed a podiatrist once. There was one who would see them at the CCRC, but that ship has sailed. Mom has a terrible hammer toe and once I got her the right shoes, it’s OK.
My mom’s AFH had a podiatrist come in every 3 months. Only 6 residents, but the podiatrist apparently did this for a number of facilities. The problem we had was the dr didn’t care for mom’s feet appropriately (diabetic and foot care is important). There was at least one change in provider due to this.
The local senior center has them come in as well.
If there is a salon at the facility, pedicures or nail cutting is an option. My sibling may be a horrible human being, but she does understand/know how to care for feet and nails and does do a good job. Since my ILs won’t see a podiatrist and both have issues with their feet, regular nail trims have warded off a few problems.
Now that FIL in in hospice, he can have another dr visit him and MIL at home. The one the ALH has come in is not good and H and SIL were looking for a replacement. The new dr is great and works well with the family.
The Dr who came to my mom’s AFH was a lifesaver. He was well-used to patients in facilities and was available when needed. His wife was either a dr or ARNP and handled particular office visits as needed. We paid a monthly fee for the care -he didn’t accept Medicare - but again, worth the $$ in terms of our sanity as well as mom’s. The hours spent going to/from the dr as well as the exhaustion experienced by all of us prompted the change.
It all comes down to taking care of yourself. Being admitted to the hospital is a sign that you need to change things. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I’d taken a leave of absence from my job during what ended up being mom’s last months. I thought at the time that I could do it all, but in reality everything suffered. My sibs and I had just come up with a way for each of us to get respite when Mom passed away.
@zeebamom what you mention is my fear. I don’t want to be doing all the long term stuff and have her pass away in the middle of a time of life that leaves me with bad feelings, like when I am on my work trip; however, when someone is in their 90s, it could be weeks/months/years! I cannot put life on hold, but I really hope I am present at the end.
My hospital admission wasn’t necessarily a result of care for my mother. Without going into detail I have two kids with special needs. The oxygen mask metaphor doesn’t work for me for that reason. I can’t keep the mask on for 25 years when my kids need to breathe.
Good to hear that memory units can be workable.
People on here have way more on their plate with their parents than I do. I have the luxury of self-correcting and driving away.
My mom had knee-replacement surgery on Monday. Post-op has been up and down. My siblings are great. However, I’ve noticed that if I express a concern or ask a question, my sister will minimize it or tell me to stop talking about it, and then say something like, “What I’M worried about is …” I’m not going to up the ante, but any suggestions for getting myself into a better frame of mind about this? Thanks.
@rosered55 Hit her on the head with a frying pan? At least the mental view works for me. I usually imagined strangling my brother when he didn’t “see” that Mom should have had more oversight a year before she had her knee replacement surgery. Not to scare you, but Mom never came home after her knee surgery… PT hospital to AL “just while you heal”… and she was too confused to understand she would never heal.
The thing I look back and think I should have said is to ask “Why” more often. “Why do you think X is a worse thing than Y that I was talking about.” Somewhat hard to ask especially a sibling without it coming over as snarky, but I’ve found the Why is often more important that the What to get discussions going? Especially if you can look sad and bewildered rather than … confrontational.
And for your own peace of mind … document document document… keep a journal of everything that worries you about your Mom. When my DH accused me of spending HOURS a day on her care, when I logged it I could see that it was more than I thought, but I had proof it was less than he thought. But you also then can identify trends that are not “Oh she just was tired, had a cold, blah blah blah”.
In the PSA for today, especially for those second marriages happening with elders, please force the $$$ conversations. It is hard and awkward, but really you should do it. My poor SIL, lost her Mom about a year ago, Dad remarried quickly, sold his (their) house and moved in with new bride. $$ from the house sale was sitting in a regular bank account to pay for funeral/expenses then go to his kids. SIL is the executor. New wife cleaned out $500,000 of the account leaving little to pay bills or inherit. Now does she fight the new wife? She isn’t 100% convinced that giving the woman the money was what her dad wanted, but she didn’t really force the conversation as he declined… or even before he declined when he remarried. GAK.
@rosered55 I don’t have any siblings at this point, but I do have a SIL who is in denial about my mom’s cognitive issues. She seems to come once a year to see them, though this year, I suspect she will skip since she made no plans yet. She will routinely ignore what I share about her status and what she is capable of and then state some sort of concern which is not appropriate given her cognitive ability. It drives me crazy and I cannot redirect the conversation as she has already determined “the truth.” I have relied on other family members to vent.