Thank you for all the advice on emergency services. I know I have to do some work on paperwork. I have a general POA but not medical. Mom and dad have what they called living wills, but they basically just state that no extraordinary measures are to be taken if there is no hope of a good outcome. Not enough information on less-dire situations that could come up before then.
I think dad refused the ER just to be grumpy. He certainly still understands his diabetes but he is not IMHO going to be able to judge when he should and shouldn’t go to the ER. And honestly I don’t want him there unless it is truly necessary. Being taken out of his routine and being cared for by folks he doesn’t know really messes with his head.
The whole concepts of POLSTs etc were entirely new to me and I only read about them here on CC and I consider myself pretty well-read in things. For the hundredth time, I have no idea how people who don’t have the time, access, and education to wade through this do it.
A nieghbor of mine happens to be friends with the strength trainer we bring in for my mother; the neighbor dropped by a package and knowing the trainer was coming later, she gave my mother a message to pass on. Well, now, that was a super important job and mom felt great having successfully remembered the message etc. Both the trainer and neighbor saw her again that week and she was excited to discuss it with both. Kinda sad to see such child like glee in carrying a message, but a good reminder that everyone needs a job and to feel useful.
Of course the ladies could have just texted each other, it was all for my mother, sweet neighbors The same neighbor spent three hours at my home so we could go out with other friends, she’s a good friend!
My sister had dad out picking ripe fruit from his fruit trees yesterday and plans to have him pick more today. It makes him happy and folks are happy to get it.
I want to mention a cause of dizziness that you all may be familiar with but if not, then this post might someday be helpful.My mother fell and hit her head enough to have a small bump on the back of her head. She was dizzy and went to the ER for a CT scan, at the request of the assisted living, and the scan was fine.
Dizziness continued and seemed worse when she moved her head/neck.
My daughter once had BPPV- positional vertigo- which is caused by ear crystals being jostled out of place, which gives the brain messages that cause dizziness (no nausea).
Thanks to that experience, I called a balance center right away for vestibular therapy. They got paperwork going while I took her to the doctor and got a prescription faxed over. The evaluation was positive for BPPV and they did the first therapy, a maneuver that twists the head while lying down, right then and there and it worked!
It lasted 5 days and the crystals have apparently migrated back so she is dizzy again. Dizzy enough to stay in bed, not eat, and cry about how awful it is. So we go back every week until the therapy works permanently.
So if your parent falls and is dizzy, it may NOT be a concussion but instead a “simple” problem of these ear crystals moving around and there IS a cure that works fast.
@compmom I have suffered from BPPV for over 20 years. Just want to add for your mother that after my chiropractor performs the Epley Maneuver on me, he advises that I sleep sitting up for a couple of nights (lots of pillows, or a recliner). Keeping your head upright prevents the crystals from going back into the canal.
MaryBarbara58 that is exactly what happened to my mother. The trouble is, she has dementia and I am not there at night. I am going to ask the assisted living to help with this (they won’t be able to do much…). I can be there at bedtime to set it up. Thanks so much.
The dizziness keeps her in bed lying on her side. I got her up sitting upright in a chair and told her that all day in bed was the worst but she has trouble understanding and went back to bed!
We have just completed our evacuation for Hurricane Florence with my 91-year-old dad. We left Wednesday and returned Sunday night about 5pm. The travel was disorienting, but he is back in his house, and with electricity. It really gave us a picture of how difficult it is to move elderly people into a different living environment.
^^ it really is hard transitioning for them. Even though I desperately need a break, I’m reluctant to do respite care at the SNF again because it upset my mom so much - even though a year ago when I tried it for 5 days, it ended up being generally fine.
Not an option in our house right now. H is not onboard for having strangers here - work/confidentiality reasons, distrust, etc.
The SNF was really good- my guilt was not. Leaving an elderly dementia patient who is wailing “What did I do wrong?” Is soul crushing, no matter how much I eventually enjoyed my break.
I will be trying this starting next week, a succession of family members stepping in for a time, but I am her magical person, her rock to rely on; hopefully she can handle a bit of time with her other kids without a full on breakdown, because that’s just not fair to do that to people. I am trying to instill that knowledge in me so I don’t do that to whichever of my kids ends up “the one.”
@psychmomma I am sorry that happened to you! Having your wailing parent say that is soul crushing. I want to look into a SNF to be able to get a break and have our family be able to spend a week or weekend together but it is so hard to do so. Guilt follows you even when you are not guilty. Vicious cycle.
@somemom I am glad there are siblings to take a turn and give you a break. You are magical but don’t lose your spark with no rest, let them come in and help. Be sure to mentally (if you can) and physically check out. good luck
Yep, they are both in a different state and it requires a ton of mental gymnastics to put it together, I just home mom doesn’t react with that same “what have I done” @psychmomma mentioned, that’s heartbreaking.
It reminded me of how some kids reacted to kindergarten or preschool drop off- distraught but fine 5 minutes later. You can’t reason with a dementia patient so the explanations (only a few days, then I’m bringing you back home) don’t work. She thinks she can take care of herself (she doesn’t even remember how to get out of bed without instruction!), so trying to reason is futile. On the positive side, since memory is fleeting, the days went by, she came back here, and within a short time, she didn’t remember ever going there.
@somemom- I’m so glad you have siblings willing to pitch in. What a difference that would make.
@readthetealeaves - even though it was difficult, I highly recommend using respite care and spending time with your family. Getting a mental and physical break is so refreshing for your soul!
What a balancing act is required here. Vulnerability in dementia patients is poignant and powerful; there is some mitigation of accumulating distress over time that memory loss brings also, as @psychmomma mentions.
Ultimately, most here have others who rely on them also and all of us have a need for self-care. Dementia will chart its course and the progression will vary. Agree that respite and time devoted to other family members or friends is critical and in most cases, what our frail elder would want for us. We can’t get these years back either and what is feasible for a short run may not be sustainable for an unforeseen longer lifespan with the accompanying decline. Experience helped me see that it is good to keep a variety options on the table over time and not be bound to circumstances that could become less optimal or workable later. Thinking of everyone in the thick of it now and hoping for smooth days and gentle transitions.
Well one sib has decreed via text thread that each family member (there are 7 of us) SHOULD be responsible for the folks all day one day each week and take them out and keep them engaged/entertained and from “rotting” (sib’s words) at their very nice CCRC.
One sib said she’s happy to after she finishes work but not while she’s working. Several of the sibs have remained silent (most have full-time jobs). The folks are awake from about 7am to 7pm.
This decreeing sib is the same one who refused to attend the meeting which was requested and everyone else was willing to attend weeks ago, to discuss caring for the folks.
Thank you to the people who have posted about the difficulties of caregiving. It concerns me very much that my ex-husband has been his parents’ primary and mostly sole caregiver for the past 7 years. I try to stay out of his family matters especially now that we’re divorced, but I decided to contact one of his two brothers just now to suggest that he make time to visit the parents and give my ex help and a break. It has been at least 3 or 4 years since either of the two brothers has even visited their parents. (Big sis occasionally visits every few months and once or twice per year provides respite care so that my ex can come see our daughters when they’re visiting me.)
Thank you, @oldmom4896. It feels treacherous to insert myself into my ex’s messed-up family situation but I think that the worst that can happen at this point is nothing, so contacting his brother can’t hurt.
The same neighbor spent three hours at my home so we could go out with other friends, she’s a good friend!