No, I cannot get my parents to use a walker. My dad fell last week. My mom had a serious fall 3-4 weeks ago I told the staff that I understand their falls, because of the dementia and they do things they cannot but don’t remember, can’t always be prevented. But thank them for being there and helping when they do fall. That is why I am paying for the extra level of care. I am fortunate in that they do not call 911.
If they didn’t call 911 every second, I wouldn’t worry so much, but especially on the weekends, they tend to have a knee jerk reaction to even a small trip. I wish I could clone the nurse who is there M-F day during the day shift!
Mistake didn’t mean to post comment - trying to delete irrelevant post
Tonight at a restaurant, overheard a woman introduce her husband who has Parkinson’s and was having great difficulty engaging at the bar where they are seated. At one point, he excused himself and slowly nade his way to the men’s room. He slowly returned and was escorted by two restaurant staff, trying to ensure that he was re-seated where he belonged. It seemed quite challenging for him and her to engage with the others at the bar and she didn’t engage much with him. I’m sure caregiving for aspiuse would be in many ways tougher than for parents. H’s Best friend’s wife and as trapped in an immobile body for the last 5 years of her life. It was hard for everyone but especially him and her b
@momofsenior1 Not sure if I mentioned this because we talked about it up thread, but there is a form, in our state it’s the MOST which you can request not to transport her to the ER. You still can, as the POA, ask they send her. But it would compel them to call you before they do.
Ask about the POLST form
I did ask about POLST and was told by the DON that the facility won’t honor it if there is an unwitnessed fall unless a resident is on hospice services. I had hospice out after the last fall and she doesn’t qualify for services yet… I have a meeting with the director this week. I’m heading down to FL tomorrow morning.
If you are stuck with not meeting hospice qualifications, you can enroll in palliative care. Depending on the institution, they may accept palliative care services as a reason to not send to the ER. I do know the care home my parents are at does bend the rules a bit. I also wrote a letter on my dad’s behalf to verify I am aware of the falls, and ask not to send to the ER.
@compmom, my thoughts are with you as you make decisions about your beloved mother.
Well, I know I haven’t posted too much on this thread but you all have been wonderful. I came back to let you know my father died last week, and to give feedback on a couple of things we’ve learned. I also want to say that my siblings and I have pulled together remarkably well, healing our tensions/disagreements of the past year about Dad’s need for care.
I also want to say, I realize we got off SO much lighter than many of you. It didn’t drag out for us, and Dad had his mind until the end.
Dad lived independently until about a month ago, when he called 911 because he’d slid to the floor and couldn’t get up. Turns out he had a UTI and was septic. He’d driven to my house two days before and seemed relatively okay. He pulled through after a week in ICU, and we were given the opportunity to confront that fact that his heart, liver, and kidneys were failing. (He’d known this, I’d suspected it, my brother and sister were shocked). He went home on hospice needing 24 hour care, so we leapfrogged over the issue of car key surrender, etc. He died 2 1/2 weeks later. I was at his side and his death was peaceful.
Things I’ve learned: (you all might know this but I thought I’d pass it along)
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Dad had been insisting to my brother that his finances were in order. (My brother was to be executor, and my Dad always irritably brushed off my questions with “Your brother will take care of it. He knows what needs to be done.” ) My brother believed my dad, despite my insistence that my brother look with his own eyes and get on the accounts. My brother was shocked when he actually DID look at the accounts. He couldn’t believe my Dad was lying to him.
Lesson #1: People lie about the state of their finances. You have to physically look at the accounts. -
Thanks to this thread, I’d been insisting to my brother that he needed to insist that my Dad put him as a cosigner on his checking and saving account. A week before out Dad got ill, my brother finally listened and took Dad in, so that he could get on the accounts. Too late. Why? Because our long-deceased mother was still on Dad’s accounts. Dad had never bothered to take her name off. And for my brother to be added, my mom needed to sign her permission. What the bank needed was her death certificate and a couple of weeks to process it, whereupon my father could come back in and sign for my brother to be on his accounts. Which never could happen because my father was bedridden. (I asked about paying for a bank representative and notary to come to the house but my brother didn’t want to deal with it, so that never happened.) Anyway, when the bank found out Dad died, they froze the account and are sending any checks they receive back to the sender. My brother needs to work with an attorney to get access/open an new account.
Lesson #2: Take deceased people off of all accounts as soon as estate issues allow.
Lesson #3: It’s never too early to go onto a parent’s checking account.
Hospice was WONDERFUL. On the last day of Dad’s life, the nurse sat with us for hours, helping us calm down to a place of acceptance of Dad’s upcoming death.
Blessings on each of you as you navigate this difficult terrain.
@calla1, I’m sorry about your father. Thank you for taking time at this difficult point in your life to share your experiences with us. I agree that the death not dragging out can be a blessing, although the suddenness is not without challenges, especially for the survivors.
@calla1 Deep sympathy on your loss.
Thank you for being so generous with us in your sharing.
Sorry for your loss, @calla1. I’m glad you and your siblings can help each other through the next steps. Those are helpful observations. I’ve been through each of those with my mom and there were some surprises.
Thank you calla 1 and so sorry for your loss.
@calla1 My condolences.
so sorry @calla1 about your dad’s passing and thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences
@calla1 - I am sorry for your loss.
Your advice is spot on about finances. My dh is dealing with financial issues left behind by his dad. They aren’t horrible, but it is definitely taking some time to sort some things out. Because he had slightly over $100,000 of assets solely in his name, we have to probate. Could have been completely avoided with no difference in result since mil receives everything anyway. He, too, had a money market account solely in his name with two direct payments coming out of it - one of which was a credit card. Payment refused, etc. While they had two credit cards, both were “owned” by father-in-law so my mil had no credit card she could use. It really is important for everyone to have a credit card in their own name! So, anything being paid directly off those credit cards was cut off from payment as well. Thankfully, it was only Netflix. The majority of their bills were directly drafted out of their joint checking account. But, even his car (not hers!) was titled solely in his name. Had to wait for death certificates, etc. to sell it. Two potential buyers moved on in the interim.
All of this has caused us to be a bit more proactive about our own planning. We have some “yours, mine, and ours” assets, but have at least put TODs on all that we can. Once everything gets settled with fil’ estate, we plan to sit down with an estate attorney and set up a revocable trust (or trusts - whatever is advised).
As is so common among that generation, all the money issues were handled by fil. When mil went to fill out her credit card application, she had to call dh to ask him what her income was. Even though she earned slightly more SS than he did (she worked longer) and has an excellent teacher pension, he handled ALL of their finances. To her credit, she is working very hard to learn and has even started using online banking. I think she was somewhat stunned at what they had given how much he harped at her about spending money. Obviously, the loss has been tough, but on some level, I think it has been liberating for her to gain financial control. She’ll be 80 in February.
So sorry for your loss calla1.
Your advice is great and I know someone will be helped by it.
There is always something! DH and I do not have credit cards in our own names, yikes. He doesn’t have any account in only his name although we have a trust sock account that he should be able to get money out of if needed as he is the presumed surviving trustee. I still have my very first saving account in my own name because when my folks divorced I saw how banks treated my mom.
Our DS is working hard and doing a great job managing his money…he now has enough that I am nagging HIM to get a will!! I don’t know where he wants his money to go and I don’t want a probate issue… there are still car wrecks and isscarey reasons to need a will, even at his young age.
Edit to add although I should put it in the bragging thread…DS just got a headhunter bonus for a successful referral for a hire at his company. He decided to make that bonus all go to charity and was trying to figure out some of that …lead us to the will discussion.
@esobay - friends of a friend lost a late 20-something son. My friend said that her friends have had a difficult time because he did everything online. I got the sense that it has been a mess to work through. Intestacy laws will dictate where assets go if no will.
@calla1 - sorry for your loss.
Kind of you to share info likely to help others.
@calla1, so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing lessons learned so others can be spared such heartaches!