The person RXing for seniors debate is real. In our situation the Family doctor disagrees with the geriatric specialist but then again the Family doctor has seen few dementia type situations and the geriatric sees many a day. Ultimately the medicine management falls on the family or MC or AL to say how effective it was or not
We had all kinds of issues with prescription management for my mom as well. Now that she’s in a memory care unit, we are super fortunate to have an amazing geriatric NP who specializes in dementia care. She’s all about comfort care with the least amount of medication possible. Her feeling is that in the ALZ population, meds can sometimes have opposite reactions. My mom takes pain meds for her arthritis, an antacid (she has a hx of bleeding ulcers), and 1/2 of the lowest dose of lexapro possible at dinnertime. Whenever I speak to her, she’s never rushed, and typically will spend up to 30 minutes on the phone with me. She’s a godsend. Wish everyone had access to that type of medical provider!
Saw my healthcare practitioner today and she gave me a list of therapists. Researching them and my insurance, and getting seen as soon as I can manage. I’m losing the battle for my state of mind and need some help.
@HouseChatte I posted this elsewhere: good advice on finding a therapist. Worth a listen. Good luck! I started seeing my therapist when I was stressed out to the max with managing the care of my dad and stepmother, and she changed my life.
https://www.wnyc.org/story/advice-caring-your-mental-health/
I will second the value of a great therapist. I went as well when I was helping my parents 4 days/week and was crying in my car every time I left and just a huge mess. Incredibly helpful to get outside perspective and permission to set healthy boundaries and limits.
HouseChatte, good luck with finding a therapist and dealing with the stress 
I wonder if you live with your parent, if you have siblings, and if medication might help, at least for sleep.
Our local elder care agency has a social worker who meets with caregivers for tea, for an hour and a half, and also runs a lot of support groups. While I found a therapist to be helpful at times, especially with family dynamics, I also appreciated the specialized experience of the SW at the elder care agency. Her message essentially: “Save yourself!”.
I find that things are up and down and when they are down I call it going down the rabbit hole. It is so easy to lose our own life, and I do that every few months for a few weeks then work to pull it back. Even if it’s just one art class a week.
My mother just had another fall, head wound, and cognition is even worse. Trying hard to do what is needed but not go down the rabbit hole this time. We’ll see…Hospice is on board now (for dementia) and that is very helpful. Is that a possibllity, House Chatte?
@compmom The issues are more my mother herself rather than her situation: She lives in an apartment, handles all her own ADLs, manages her money and prescriptions, does everything but drive. She got really sick a few years ago and lived with us (the alternative was going back to her single-family home by herself), moved out to her current place over two years ago now and is happy there.
I’m an only child and live fifteen minutes away. She’s pleasant, even friendly, likes her neighbors, but is not interested in socializing or connecting with people other than me. There’s a lifetime of pressure to consider her emotional state (and my father’s when he was alive) in every decision I made.
Caregiving at this point consists of getting and delivering groceries, going along to medical appointments, occasionally going over a piece of paperwork to confirm her understanding and handling of a situation (English isn’t her first language), all of it very easy and comfortable for me.
I also call her daily to check in, and realize that I’ve been dreading it more and more. Her own childhood and family of origin created an emotional Hole That Will Not Be Filled, and she wants me to fill it. She’s tended toward depression and anxiety for decades – not my assessment, she proclaims it openly – but won’t take medication. I’ve joked about it, but honestly, I went on an antidepressant / anti-anxiety med because my mother wouldn’t. Side effects were getting to me and I weaned off early in December. I found that the only part of my life that weighs on me is spending time with her, so I’m getting help to figure out how to carry that.
(HouseChatte)
HouseChatte, that is clarifying and I can see how difficult that must be. Even amidst health issues and dementia, the emotional needs of my mother (and others") can be the most demanding. Your description of the Hole that WILL not be Filled is poignant and the way she wants you to fill it. Good luck finding help with boundaries (sounds like you have done a good job with those actually) and the emotional impact of having a mom who relies so heavily on you.
@HouseChatte, I’ve mentioned here the situation of my former husband and his parents. Ex has been his parents’ full-time, in-home caregiver for several years. His parents have a lot of health problems, but it’s my sense that the most difficult facet for my ex is his father’s emotional neediness. Former MIL has Alzheimer’s disease, and I think former FIL wanted my ex (his oldest son) to fill the gap left by MIL.
Here’s an example. A few weeks ago, ex was able to take a day off to come to my home to see one of our daughters, who is visiting from out of state. He could do so because his sister was visiting and could fill in for him as caregiver. Sister doesn’t particularly like her dad, and when at her parents’ home, she spends most of her time in whatever room he isn’t in. He is 92 years old, mostly confined to a wheelchair (but can get himself into and out of the wheelchair), and sleeps a lot. At the end of my ex’s visit, he departed my home at 11 p.m. for the two-hour trip back to his parents’ home. His dad waited up for him. FIL could have gotten into bed by himself, as he usually does, or asked for his daughter’s help, but he preferred to stay up. I suspect it was a combination of insecurity and desire to induce guilt.
This is so my mother. She has lived with us nearly a decade and every single effort she has made that could possibly be construed as connecting with others has been at my behest and was not a sincere effort to connect, but rather an effort to show me she was trying. Now she is really losing it mentally so it’s more moot, but she has been so bored and lonely these past years, I do feel sorry for her, but to be honest I feel more sorry for me as it is a true heavy burden to not only be responsible for the physical, but to be expected to fill the emotional needs. I just tell her that I cannot be her everything, but she does not change.
@somemom Hi, Sis!
Being an only is difficult. My parents, who had a bad marriage but stayed together, both made me responsible for their happiness. Things only got worse when my father died when I was 24. My mother always complained that I wasn’t a good enough daughter because I didn’t meet her expectations. She always said she wished she had another child (so did I). For as long as I could, I kept visits to a few times a year and only talked to her once a week. But her health took a turn when I was 40 and I had to move her closer to me and take more responsiblity for her care. The stress of dealing with her, as well as my own young children, was overwhelming at times. I finally became a good daughter in her eyes 12 years ago when a stroke required her to be placed in a nursing home very near me and I visited her several times a week.
I’ve resented being responsible for her emotional needs my entire life and swore I would never do that to my kids.
@shellfell - your comments hit very close to home for me. One of the best things my therapist did is to get me to really accept that my parents’ expectations were unreasonable and cruel. Happiness is internal. If they can’t find it within themselves, they never will. Still very hard though to get over the guilt of never being “good enough”.
I do all right setting boundaries with my mother. Not so great setting boundaries with my own fury and pain . . . I tend them too assiduously for my own good. Therapist called me back yesterday and we have an appointment end of next week.
The recent above comments hit home for me as well, My Mom lives with my sister and two hours away from me. After a fall and hip replacement, and more active dementia, we decided that visiting us for overnights will no longer work. Last week my daughter, her new baby and I went down to visit my Mom and sister to have them meet the baby. My mom was over the moon about that and it was wonderful to see. However, a comment from her about how much she misses everyone and getting together almost made me cry, but my smart daughter immediately said, “But we’re right here now Grandma and we love seeing you. We send you pictures and we can send you a video of this.” That was so perfect because we really can’t move and trips just no longer work for her.
This week has been frustrating because we’ve been waiting to get my mom placed in an inpatient rehab center following her hospitalization. If the rehab is effective, she can move back to her independent living apartment. If not, she moves to assisted living or more likely nursing care at her CCRC, which she does not want to do. She has said she’d rather die and get it over with. Fingers crossed.
And if/when she gets back to the apartment, it will be without the cat whose bite caused the skin infection that led to this month-long downward spiral. Not a bad cat, but 92 year old skin can’t deal with a playful nip.
She has been experiencing what we dearly hope is hospital/drug-induced brain fog. Disorientation and confusion for part of the day, perfectly lucid communication for other parts of the day. Scary, this is a very new symptom for her. Can’t get out of the hospital soon enough for me, but it’s a weekend, and last week was a holiday, and things are just not moving.
@MomofJandL so sorry. My dad had spinal fusion surgery and then post-anesthesia hallucinations. Really scary but went away with one dose of Haldol.
Hope they find a bed for her fast!
MomofJandl, did your mom have any dementia before the hospitalization? We were stunned by the level of memory and cognitive impairment revealed when my mother was in the hospital. Once back in her assisted living, she readjusted some, so your mom may improve once out of the hospital. It is encouraging that she is lucid part of the time. Are they giving her meds that could account for this?
I would like advice on something that happened tonight. My mother’s best friend in assisted living called me to tell me that an aide was talking to her about my mother, that she was concerned about her and thought she should not be alone in her room. This is a terrible breach of confidentiality.
I believe my mother’s friend, who is 92+, and probably drinking, was trying to help by letting me know my mother might need a private aide. Well, between hospice aide and me, she pretty much has someone a good part of the time! Tonight I didn’t put her to bed because my daughter is visiting but the aide knows someone (me) is often there in the evening, and I have slept there for weeks at a time when needed.
We cannot afford a private aide on top of AL!
The hospice aide comes every morning and there are also hospice nurse visits. My mother had a fall last week, hit her head, and has two black eyes. Hospice told me not to feel I had to sleep there because even if I were there, I could not prevent a fall. She does not seem to have a concussion or any effects other than the black eyes due to Coumadin.
This past week I spoke with my brothers about memory care and started inquiries. But my mother enjoys eating with her friends and still functions independently in her room in many ways. She is up 5-6 hours/day, reads the paper, watches the news and so on. She goes down to meals mostly but not activities.
So two things here: One, the aide has no business talking with another resident about my mother. Presumably she could relay her concerns to a supervisor. And two, not a single professional- and there are plenty- has said my mother cannot be alone (but I have started looking into options as that time draws closer).
I am quite upset at the thought of aides talking about my mother to other residents and how that will affect her relationships, and I resent the aide assuming family is somehow being neglectful!!
I am trying to decide how to approach this with the nursing director.
Grain of salt; you do not know how much of the friend’s concern she attributed to the aide.
There could have been an innocent conversation where your mother was mentioned and maybe some of what was discussed came from the friend. The friend may have mentioned the aide to give credibility to her concerns.
I would tread carefully before making accusations regarding the aide, particularly if you suspect the friend may have been drinking…