@momofsenior1 in post #11939, you and me both.
@surfcity - I stopped answering the phone when I went through that with my mom a few years ago when she was still at home. She would call every 30 minutes hysterical about something.
I was in therapy for a few years because I would leave their house and sob the rest of the day. My father didn’t think I was doing “enough” to help despite being there every other day, driving to doctor’s appointment, coordinating their household, doing errands, helping with personal care, etc…plus trying to raise my child with a husband who travelled for his job the majority of the time. It was hell but somehow I needed permission (from the therapist) that I was allowed to set boundaries. Obviously some things were non negotiable, like doctor’s appointments, but she helped me let go of some of the rest.
I’m fortunate that my parents were financially very well off. It took totally breaking down with my dad before he would agree to any outside help but it had to happen otherwise I was going to run myself into the ground.
Right now I’m my mom’s POA for health care and manage everything with the memory care facility. Thankfully my dad is still managing himself semi-OK (depends on the day). He has someone come every week to help him with the condo and laundry; has a semi-retired HHA that lives next door who he pays to help drive him places. Thankfully he can walk to a number of places, including a small grocery store, so he doesn’t need to drive much if he doesn’t want to. I’ve been trying to convince him to start thinking about hiring more help for himself, before it’s an emergency, but it’s falling on deaf ears for now. He could also move to my mom’s facility (tiered). In the meantime, I have the name of the agency who helped in the past and I know I could get him into the facility quickly if necessary.
What ended up being life changing for me was DH getting transferred out of state. That forced my dad’s hand to get more help. Now my role is many, many daily phone calls, and flights to them every other month. Thankfully I have a brother who goes the months that I don’t, and some local extended family members have stepped up to help. They also can be there it there is an emergency since I’m a flight away.
We’re close to needing hospice for my mom and I’ll probably need to start going down more frequently but for now, it’s been a big break for me to be out of state. The physical distance is emotionally helpful to me. There’s a long history of alcoholism, abuse, emotional manipulation in my family so the closeness required to be caregiving was especially difficult.
Parents these days… Prince Philip still drives himself and was spotted and “advised” for driving without a seatbelt a few days after an accident. https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-46935721
@rosered55 I saw that article and it really ticked me off. I am not sure there are many 97 year olds who are safe on the roads. Grrrr
@momofsenior1 I can’t imagine your position. I have always had a good relationship with my folks, no dysfunction at all. So it’s hard to ignore dad’s calls - it’s not so much that I need a boundary, but I need to preserve my sanity and he will not remember that he got voicemail anyway. I would have a much harder time of this if I had emotional issues with my folks.
The ALF called me again to say he was screaming in the dining hall because no one would let him see his wife and can i come over. I think I will have to ask for some sort of team meeting as I am out of my league on handling this. I would not mind talking to him if it made any permanent action.
@surfcity , FIL was 96 when we took away his car and he literally called the police on DH for grand theft auto, we had to deal with that and FIL definitely thought he was just fine driving.
@travelnut, thank you for the info and kind words in post #11883.
Finally have a chance to post after moving mom last week Thursday from the other rehab to the one she was supposed to go to. I feel at peace with this decision and so glad I moved her. Just too many things wrong at the other place.
I’ve been checking on her and dad (dad at home alone) nearly every day so I had to take a couple mental health days to just regroup. Brother could be more helpful but isn’t, so whatever. Sister lives in another state and no plans to visit until the spring. I call dad when I can’t physically check on him and he’s doing well on his own but misses mom.
I figured, it’s just me while other two siblings do what they want, when they want so I felt NO guilt at all taking some time off from this roller coaster.
I think of all of you on this thread often bc it gives me some sense of commraderie to know you are here and share in many of my same feelings. Hugs to you all for all you do!
I just had a super hard call with my mother. She only has a handful of intelligible words left but was able to communicate that my father is having an affair. He had been visiting my mom with my aunt, his sister. While my father has many many faults, he is not currently having an affair, especially with his sister. I tried to remind her of the family relation ship but that didn’t work. Then I tried diversion but was unable to get her to calm down. I’m praying the staff were able to get her involved in an activity quickly. This is when it sucks living out of state.
^ That would be so hard! Hopefully her attention span is short, but I do know with my own mom that it’s the upsetting things that she tends to hang onto and remember longer.
Same with my mom @psychmomma - the upset she remembers :(. If there is an activity she enjoys, she can be distracted but she’ll cycle back during the down time. Unfortunately that’s usually when I get called.
@momofsenior1, when my former mother-in-law, who has Alzheimer’s disease, could still speak, on occasion she thought there was an intruder in her house: her husband. I don’t think her son, my ex, had much luck persuading her his dad was her husband and not a stranger.
So hard @momofsenior1 Such a helpless feeling that you can’t take that hurt away from her.
Just got back from seeing mom and dad. Mom looks terrible, worse than even yesterday. So skeletal. Apparently, I can’t put her is hospice until the PT (ordered about a month ago before she stopped eating) signs off on her. Talked to the PT yesterday and she wanted to come one more time. I will meet her tomorrow to make sure she gets signed off. I’m not sure how much time we have. Dad fortunately continues to be unaware.
Just now joining this wonderful thread. My dad is in independent living (apt. in a facility with a dining room that serves all meals) and is slowly sinking into dementia. Alzheimers? Vascular dementia? Just being 88 and tired and missing his wife of 57 years who died in 2012? Who knows. He seems to be in a steady state right now–we haven’t had a crisis or a hospitalization in over a year. He knows who WE are, but is confused about just about everyone else. He manages to stick to a daily routine including bathing and dressing himself, but can no longer be counted upon to take his twice-daily meds so we have an aide who comes in and does that. He lives 20 minutes away and I visit him most days. My husband is supportive and I have one sibling who lives in another state who doesn’t argue with any of the decisions I make, and honestly, I’m so grateful for that, it doesn’t bother me that he is not involved on a more regular basis (he visits about 2x/year). So for now, a relatively easy situation to cope with. Mostly I just miss how wise and funny Dad used to be, and am sad that most of his friends and colleagues have drifted out of his life. And I do at times feel terribly alone. Most of my friends are either older (parents long gone) or younger (can’t imagine this will ever happen to them). And when people aren’t going through this, even the best ones can be insensitive or judgmental without meaning to be. So I look forward to the “companionship” here.
@mom56789 Welcome! I am relatively new to this thread myself. I understand what you are going through all too well. It sounds like you have a good situation for the moment. I understand your feeling alone as my younger friends do not have this going in their lives nor do they seem to want to talk about it. Just a hi and how are you? but no concept of the situation I am in. (my relative is more pronounced than your dad) It is good to come here and read what others are going through as there are parents caring for parents in many different situations. Hope it helps you
@GTalum So sorry this is happening with your mom. Thank goodness he is unaware
@GTalum, (((((hugs))))) again. It must be so difficult to see your mom like that. Do you think he would notice if she were gone? After my dad died, my stepmother’s son swooped in and put her in a memory-care place near where he and his wife live. He told me that she kept asking for papa. He said he couldn’t understand that, her papa if he were alive, would be 115 years old. But I knew right away that she was asking for my dad.
During the last year I watched over their care (they were home with live-in aides through an agency), she would say to me on each of the twice-weekly visits I made to them: “You’re so good to us. Can you explain again how we know you?” Mind you, they were married for 32 years! When I told her that my dad was my dad, she said, “No! He can’t be your father! He’s my father!” It was funny-not funny of course.
My sympathy and empathy to all.
So very heartbreaking when they stop knowing loved ones. Even worse if they are thinking there are intruders or that a spouse is cheating. Wow!
We are not at that point, but we are grateful to have a CNA to administer Rx to dad every morning and one of us to administer every evening.
It is so odd that such negative scary things come to mind for the failing brain. My mother was Dx with Lewy Body Dementia (I am so thankful to poster @jym626 for that suggestion) (LBDA.org has a fantastic forum) and one of the hallmarks of the disease is wild dreams and hallucinations. She has such bad dreams, several of our neighbors have died in the dreams, marriages break up, my grandkids apparently curse, a lot, on TV (they are 1 & 2). These dreams stick with her long into the day and I do not do the common dementia things of meeting her where she is and playing along, the dreams are too horrible, I always tell her it’s a dream. She is learning to come and ask, hopefully, “is this a dream” and it usually is.
@somemom - I agree, I don’t meet mom where she is when it involves things that are disturbing her (if I already know what it is that’s disturbing her). My mom has terrible dreams, too- sometimes during a daytime catnap in her chair. Luckily her face says it all so I instantly know something is wrong. It does take a while to get on a more pleasant topic - and convincing her a dream was just a dream is getting increasingly difficult.
Not as bad as the scary dreams, but it feels sad that my siblings and I seem to have an informal competition going about who can get our Mother to eat the most when we visit. Because unfortunately 3 grapes and 2 crackers is a big meal for her, and she simply cannot get benefit from the rehab if she is starving herself. But for the past 6 weeks or so she has just Not. Been. Hungry.
She did finally get her iron infusion that was long overdue, and the hematologist thinks her energy and appetite should respond in another day or 2. Let’s hope so.
It was sweet that her long-time PCP called the apartment, and was shocked to hear that the rehab place initially thought she had dementia because of the confusion/disorientation from the hospitalization. She offered to call the rehab facility if needed to let them know that Miss First Name (see other thread) has all of her marbles. That part has gotten better, and she tells everyone when asked that her goal is to build up her strength and get back to her apartment, so there is progress.
What about keeping a plate of cookies or bowl of candy out to entice her to nibble, when my Dad had cancer the doc said, “any calorie is a good calorie” so I’ve been keeping sweet nibbles around to keep my mother eating. It works 