I agree, @lookingforward about cutting things up, yet even though she is far gone in many ways, she balks at picking up things not presented as true finger food, some vestige of manners, so all these ideas are great!
@somemom mom would eat peanut butter sandwiches or grilled cheese cut into bite sized pieces. Bananas are also easy to chew and nutritious. Often with a low appetite, cooked foods are not as well tolerated as non-cooked.
Would she view more things as “finger food” if they were presented on a very fancy plate?
Finger foods:
Little tea-sandwich sized sandwich pieces: peanut butter, jelly, cold cuts, cheese, tuna, egg salad, jam, hummus
Strawberries
Crackers with toppings
Cut-up veggies, whichever kind she likes
Nuts
Small pieces of cake
Brownies
Asparagus (yep, finger food, even in fancy situations)
Cut-up oranges
Tartlets filled with anything, sweet or savory: quiche, fruit with pastry cream, but also something like a rice dish or beans or a thick meat stew cut in small pieces
Bite-sized potato halves filled with something tasty: caviar, or cheese, or pate, or something else yummy
Samosas
Cheese cubes
Sushi
French fries
Sliders
Can she do little shot glasses of soup?
Fancy restaurants sometimes present a Chinese porcelain spoon as a serving dish, to serve a spoonful of soup or something else that fits in a spoon. Would that work?
My mom is seriously thinking of moving from California to Colorado to live near me, in a retirement home. Advice much needed on issues we might encounter (we haven’t lived near each other since I left for college) and ways we might make this work for the both of us.
@katliamom Be clear upfront about visit expectations. When my parents moved near us, I tried to be crystal clear about my daughter’s activities, my work schedule (I was still working then), our weekend schedules, etc… It was a rough transition. My parents wanted to see us way more than was reasonable for my family. Then my mom started just “stopping by”. That was a big problem for me. As my mom’s illness progressed, it was a blessing and a curse being so close.
@katliamom It was a blessing for me when my folks moved closer to me. The fact she is moving to a retirement community is a good thing as there will be lots of activities to keep her occupied and she will make new friends. This will take some pressure off of you. In the long run, I think you will find she is doing you a fever.
Thank you @momofsenior1 and @GTalum. Mom has always been independent and did a yeoman’s job taking care of her disabled husband for years. He died two years ago, and she’s been living on her own. A recent car accident (not her fault) has left her feeling vulnerable and uneasy, and my sister and step brother near her just aren’t as available as she would prefer. Since they’ve been on the frontlines of helping mom and my step dad for years, I guess it’s my turn to step up. It will be a whole new world…
It’s really a good thing that she’s moving closer while she’s still independent. She will have an opportunity to establish a new life for herself and make new friends.
I tried for years to get my mom to do that but she didn’t want to leave her old friends. When she became ill and couldn’t live alone, she suddenly had to live with me, and missed that chance to be acquainted with our area beforehand.
Try to delicately discuss how often you expect to have time to see your mom, as others have said, to establish some realistic expectations and boundaries. Hopefully she will want to make friends and will love her new retirement community.
My mother is so confused, lost and vulnerable in rehab that I am having trouble keeping my time with her within limits to avoid exhaustion. Return to assisted living with stoma and worsened heart failure will be difficult too . I feel like I have entered the heart of caregiving . There are rewards but it is so tiring. I know you can all relate. The hard part is how childlike they become. Truly needy.
@compmom, I feel for you. Many {{{hugs}}}. And like caring for infants and small children, they do better when you take care of yourself, too. AND you look for help. You really don’t have to do it all. We can’t stop kids falling down and we can’t keep our seniors from every bump either.
Another unit opened up in my parents current ALF for memory care and I am considering taking it. Originally everyone thought my parents were too high functioning for it but after touring 7 or 8 MC places, they re all similar and sadly, the benefits of MC outweigh the fact that they are more able than many residents. They simply need to be in an environment where someone is there to distract or engage them most of the time.
It was explained to me that the world becoming smaller will be a benefit to them, but of course to me, who is healthy, it looks awful. I understand that intellectually but it is hard emotionally.
@compmom - please take care of yourself. Do you ever ask yourself, what do people do who don’t have a flexible job/resources/geography to be able to do so much for their parents? Don’t be afraid to outsource things that you can outsource
I"m not doing as much as those of you living with your parents.
Look at it another way. Everybody who goes to memory care gets worse over time. Your parents will get worse over time. So of course they are more able than people who have been in memory care for some time. Anybody who goes to memory care is going to be more able than most of the people already there.
It would be like saying, I don’t want to send my kid to that elementary school because she’s younger than the students there. Of course she is, but kindergarteners eventually become fifth graders. And people with mild to moderate dementia turn into people with more dementia.
The other benefit to moving your parents now @surfcity is that they’ll be better able to adjust and acclimate. When my mom was first admitted to MC, the staff gave her “jobs”. She loved being able to “help” the other residents.
Not memory care, but when my parents moved to their care home, they were very mobile, but demented. Mom only needed direction, or reminders, of showering and brushing teeth. They like being more able than those around them and dementia too advanced to make friends; at least friends as we think of friends. But mom enjoyed setting the table and carrying dishes and getting drinks for everyone. Dad carried walkers or chairs and helped others get up. I worried with the lack of an activity schedule and lack of other abled bodies. It was however, the best decision I made. Interesting, even though mom was the most functional person in the group, she was the first of the group to die. Indeed, as expected and as @“Cardinal Fang” says, the dementia gets worse and they get less functional.
I am giving Luvenox shots and am solely responsible for changing colostomy bag, every three days or more- and if she pulls it off. Assisted living says they will accept her back but we’ll see what happens if she pulls it off a lot.
I’ve practiced emptying, cleaning and changing the bag.
If she pulls it off at 2 am, they will call me. Visiting nurses won’t do ostomy care so much as train me.
I cancelled my trip, obviously. My daughter is running a music festival across the country and it would be fun in other circumstances, but would be stressful now.
For future, I am not sure who I can hire to change the bag. CNA’s cannot do it. I think a private nurse.
Anyone else dealing with colostomy plus dementia?
My lease is up and I am trying to decide what to do. Rehab staff suggest long term care or memory care, since her dementia is pretty bad when she is moved around. Assisted living thinks we should give it a shot. I could also lease an apartment with her. I wish I owned a house!!! I would take her in in a flat second. But renting will mean difficulties with installing bars and so on.
Sorry to post so much!!
@compmom wow that is a lot! Is there anyone who is the point person for her care? I mean, you are just a lay person - I found with my parents though that I had to push and advocate for someone to help me figure all this out, since I am not experienced in the ins and outs of senior care, and what type of staff can do what type of tasks.
IN my tours of memory care and ALF, I have found some variations in what they will do - hoyer lifts, 2 person assist, insulin shots, etc. I can’t imagine there is not a facility that can handle both dementia and colostomy. I would really think hard about having her live with you because in all odds the dementia will increase and she will need more and more care - are you able to handle that or provide it?
@“Cardinal Fang” - I see your point and agree to an extent. But my dad has been stable for 5 years and it is possible my mom will be too. Their cognitive issues are not on a downward trajectory in the way an ALZ patient is, which is why the OT etc felt they were better off being around higher functioning folks rather than the highest in the group. She felt that would frustrate them and their functioning would quickly decrease to match the group’s lower level.
At this point, after having spent yet another day with dad in the ER, I am beyond dissecting all those finer points. Their current staff knows them, it is close to my house, I think it is a safe and known environment. I can’t imagine moving them to a different facility that is farther away. It just sounds like so much work for such little benefit.
surfcity it sounds like you are making the most reasonable “holistic” decision rather than getting bogged down by details and options. Nice role model for the rest of us 
@surfcity It seems to me you are making the best decision you can at this time. I would tell folks that there are no ideal options for my parents and I have to choose the best considering their needs and my needs. My wise cousin, a ALF admin, told me not to second guess myself for at least 3 full months.
@compmom that is potentially a lot of work for you! I hate the possible middle of the night calls for you. What is the advantage of bringing her back to assisted living vs memory or skilled nursing care? Is there a social worker at the rehab facility that can help you with this decision?