@compmom - I can’t even imagine having to do colostomy care on top of dealing with the dementia. There has to be a facility that can handle both. What do people do with no family in that situation?
@compmom, what a burden for you! You are a wonderful and loving daughter who is obviously willing to do whatever it takes to take care of your mother.
A friend’s mother is highly demented and has physical needs as well, though not a colostomy bag. My friend tried and tried to make it work (utilizing extra caregivers) at an assisted living facility, then moved her to a skilled nursing facility. He was so surprised and relieved at the excellent care his mother receives there. Skilled nursing facilities are equipped to handle all types of medical needs. He’d fought putting here in one because of the stereotypes against them but she receives excellent care and is much calmer as well because the nurses know what they are doing. It’s also less expensive than the amount he was paying for the AL plus extra caretakers.
Are there any skilled nursing facilities near you? I only know you through CC but I am concerned for you, especially if you take on the burden of living with your mother. You especially need sleep in order to function.
@surfcity I think you are making a solid and reasonable choice for your beloved parents. I’m glad to hear you are gaining peace with your decision.
@compmom, I don’t see any solution for you other than a skilled nursing care facility. She IS going to pull it off, it’s a foreign item to her. When my mother broke her arm the break was too high for a cast, so they did a small semi-cast at the elbow. It took her two days to get it off; of course, I am sure that she was assisted by reduction of swelling. But I am sorry, but I don’t see any other choice for you.
Advice needed: anything in particular I should look for as my mom and I visit independent living facilities near me? All insights welcome by this newbie.
If meals are included, how they are included or distributed - 3/day, 1/day, x number/month. Do they credit if you are away?
My dad was at a place with 1/day included, others could be billed to your account (visitors, or if resident ate 2 meals that day).
At first you had to be gone 2 weeks before credit applied. Later credit was given after 1 week.
More recent rules allowed you to opt for 20 meal/month. but no credit. That’s what dad chose - he often will visit my nearby sibs, or heat favorite meals they have brought for his freezer.
I would ask about ease of adding services (and costs). I would also look at places that have all levels of care (independent, assisted, memory and skilled) so that if things change, your mom won’t have to worry about switching to a totally new place.
@katliamom - Best with your search. When visiting, try to speak with other residents and be there at meal time. You learn a lot about the atmosphere and food options if you can have a meal.
Does the IL place have AL and SNF options? It can save much aggravation to find a facility with comprehensive care available. At my parents’ place, IL residents could spend time at the AL section for post-op or illness recovery, accessing the nursing care that the AL had built-in. Likewise, AL/IL residents could go to SNF rehab post-hospitalization for recovery. This fluidity was a huge asset over time.
Check out activity schedules and try to visit one of interest to your mother while there.
Ask if there is any in-house medical coverage.
If there are multiple levels of care, be sure to check out all of them for future reference.
Find out about staff turnover, which can be an indicator of how it is to work there. Just asking staff members how long they have been there or how they came to work there will give you much info. Ask what the criteria is for independent living and if some residents bring in private assistance.
There are on-line checklists for assessing elder care facilities that can be useful, just like college visiting. I also consulted a local geriatric care manager to share her knowledge of the place we had chosen; was moving parents nearby from out of state and wanted to be sure. She was very familiar with local options and her vetting of the decision gave huge peace of mind that what we saw was real.
@travelnut, @momofsenior1 @mominva Great tips, I would not have thought of some of them (meal credit, in-house medical coverage.) Very good idea also for us to have a meal there! Yes, all the facilities we’re looking at offer at least Assisted Living onsite, many also Memory Care, in addition to IL.
Do they offer transportation to dr. appointments?Do they have an agreement with a local hospital to have blood draws done on site? And most important, what is the criteria for admittance ,and what is the criteria for asking residents to leave?
Welcome @katliamom. What mattered most to my parents was the quality of food. I encourage more than one meal at the dining room. Also, at my parent’s CCRC, we bought the condo which guaranteed membership and services. The advantage was, when I decided to move them away after 4 years, I didn’t lose as much money since I could sell the condo. However, it took me a year to sell and I had to pay the monthly fees during that time.
@GTalum – thanks for your insights. My mom was thinking about rentals, and frankly I haven’t even looked at any retirement communities where you buy. Hmmm. @mabel the criteria for admittance/moving out is something I hadn’t considered, thanks for that!
At some, you pay for the apartment and get 90% whatever, returned when you leave or die. Others you don’t get that back but the monthly fee is lower.
I agree with all of the above. There are checklists online as someone else said.
I would add, look at the quality of the activities offered.
Good luck.
ps thanks all- again!
If they provide transportation to medical/other appointments, what is the process? How many are you allowed, can they be recurring appointments (say weekly) or just for one-offs? How long in advance do you have to book?
How often do menus change? Get a copy of a couple of months’ worth of menus and see what variety there is.
Are mealtimes set or is there “anytime dining”?
Look around the facility. Are the activities well-attended? Does anyone use the exercise room? Is the equipment in good repair?
Do the residents appear to be people your family member would get along with? Sporty? Arty? Do people sit in the common areas or do they stay in their apartments?
Are the residents much older or younger than your family member? How long do people typically live there?
Is housekeeping included?
One place my mom looked at seemed great, but she would have had to move into a less-desirable unit and wait until a better one opened up (closer to the entrance/dining/off the busy street(noise). They’d show the open units, but then the better ones wouldn’t be available.
Great advice @zeebamom. My mom is intellectually inclinded and would prefer a community of residents who read a lot and widely, follow politics, and are into the arts. Which is why we’re looking in/around the city.
My parent’s facility had a lot of professors for the nearby university and from the one down the road. You might want to find ones nearby a college or university.
Where There’s Rarely a Doctor in the House: Assisted Living
As residents become older and more frail, some facilities are bringing in doctors and nurses instead of relying on 911.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/29/health/assisted-living-doctors-house-calls.html
Thanks @oldmom4896 Doctors Making House calls, the organization cite in the article, is the organization most of the residents at my parent’s care home uses. They helped us coordinate the home geriatric psychiatrist visits as well. I really like not bringing folks to doctors and allowing the providers to see them in their home environment.
Having a doctor that comes to the facility was a life-saver for us! They also have a small salon with a hairdresser and nail lady. For assisted living I think it would be nice if there were places within walking distance.
Took a breather over the weekend with only quick visits to my mother in rehab. She continues to say “What is this?” when she notices the colostomy bag. She can’t remember how to call for help so she calls me and then I call the nurse’s station. She can’t wait to go to the “new place” where she has been for 3 years!! Etc.
The relative time off gave me some perspective. I looked at a house to rent with her. Talked to people. And realize the level of fatigue I feel is a real warning sign. And I am afraid of my cancer coming back with this level of stress.
So for my kids’ sake, and my own survival, literally, I think my mother will have to go into long term care if there are problems at the assisted living with colostomy and dementia. I will set up hospice or visiting nurse and aide, and try to make AL work but the bottom line is that alone, I am just not capable of caring for her 24/7.
This makes me sad but it’s a reality I just have to accept. I believe in taking care of our own, and admire those of you who do.
I also did some math and living with her and hiring the help we would need would be extremely expensive.
Thanks all. Best wishes for a good week for everyone.
FWIW, I think you made a good decision @compmom. I know it’s not an easy one to make.