@compmom - sending good thoughts. Good to be able to step back and access things; so hard to do in an exhausting crisis. I came to the same decision with my parents. I loved being able to be a daughter and an advocate as needed, yet would not have been able to keep up with day to day challenges at home. Your mother is fortunate to have you in her corner.
All the best to both of you.
I was so grateful to my mom when a few years ago she put in writing that she understood my sister and I might need to eventually place her in an assisted living facility and she was fine with it! She’s still thinking of what’s best for “her girls.”
@compmom You ARE taking care of your mother. Good for you grabbing hold of your oxygen mask.
I had to make a similar decision with my mother. Going back to AL after a stroke would’ve necessitated hiring private aides for her anyway & I figured, knowing my mother, that she’d be calling me constantly to complain about the aides. AL was 1/2 hour away without traffic, skilled nursing was in the next town. I had mixed feelings about it, but I knew I had to take my mental and physical health into account. I think you’ve made a good decision.
My SIL moved her father into an AL this weekend. He’s been living with them for several years and has gotten increasingly angry and agitated (but passed the cognitive testing process for AL). He paces the house all night, has some forgetfulness, accuses family members of stealing his things. All of his siblings had severe dementia. It has become intolerable.
She currently has a POA which enabled her to sign the paperwork for the AL, and he had agreed to move, but he is already threatening to revoke it and is making other threats.
DH has told his brother to get SIL in to see an attorney, but am curious if y’all have some specific suggestions or thoughts about what she should ask. Any advice on what kind of documents she should have to make decisions/pay his AL bills/protect herself? At what point does competency and a guardianship come into play? Her dad’s threatening to file suit that he was wrongfully evicted. Not sure if NJ landlord/tenant law covers this, as he was not paying rent.
The ironic part is that SIL’s stepdad was a T&E/elder law attorney, but the relationship between SIL’s mom and dad is so bad that mom and stepdad won’t get involved. Her dad leaves the house and wanders the streets/goes to the library if SIL’s mom and stepdad come to visit.
Wow, CD. I would hope that the mom/stepdad would have your SIL best interest at heart. Not to personally get involved, but to steer her toward the steps to take, Qs to ask, etc. I think the competency issue/documents vary by state so consultation with a specialized elder attorney should be a start.
Thankful, reading these posts, that MIL has prepared all POA, health care proxy documents. My late DH was her only child. At 93, she’s fully competent, checks her stocks online every day! If her prayers are answered, she just won’t wake one morning.
DH is an attorney, but stays far, far away from family and elder law. His brother is an absolute sweetheart and a saint. He’s also been caring for his and DH’s dad, who lives a block and a half away. SIL doesn’t drive, so BIL takes on a lot of the logistical things for both dads. At least my FIL is pleasant and mellow, if not in terrific health. He’s very appreciative, and I go up every few months to give BIL a respite (and I stay at BIL & SIL’s, so I get to see her dad up close and personal 5-6 times a year and have witnessed his outbursts).
SIL’s dad would take any consultations (real or perceived) with her mom and stepdad as a major assault and intrusion. They divorced 45 years ago but he still hasn’t gotten over it. I also would have thought her mom and stepdad would be supportive, but they have left her twisting in the wind (and SIL is an only, so no sibs to help). Her dad has at times agreed to see an attorney with SIL, and either agrees with what is proposed and then reneges afterwards, or she makes the appt and he refuses to attend. Personally, I think DH should go up to NJ and go with SIL to an appt with an elder atty (he’s really good in these kinds of situations), but when I suggested it to him, he looked horrified.
Ah, family damage and detritus never go away.
We have P of A, invoked proxy and I am on my mothers bank account. Would your Dad agree to any of that? We also have a MOLST.
Assisted living was so harsh today. I am responsible for colostomy change and by regulation my mother has to be involved in emptying. I am required to sleep there and be there 24 hours at first. The tone of the nursing director was so awful that I involved the executive director. In front of the ED the ND behaved entirely differently. Discharge to AL tomorrow. Trial.
Gosh that’s awful, @compmom. I’m so sorry the ND couldn’t behave professionally with you.
I think you made the correct decision about where your mom needs to go next. I made an emotional gut-reaction decision to bring my mom into my home, and it has been very difficult, with no end in sight. You will be better able to continue assistance with your mom’s care when you have some distance and ability to preserve your own life and strength.
@compmom Sorry to hear that AL Nursing Director was so harsh. I have been in that situation so many times where a person acts one way alone with you and then totally differently when their supervisor is there. It is frustrating when you are just trying to help your loved one. I echo what @psychmomma said regarding taking your loved one in. The 24 hour no break is difficult. Your decision to be in charge and have her in AL on a trial where you can come and go is better for your mental health. Virtual hugs to you
@compmom I just wanted to say that I think you are making the best decision possible. Keep in mind that just because it’s the “best decision” doesn’t mean it’s a happy decision or something you are happy about. It is really just the “least bad” thing to do.
I am right there with you that you have to do what you can but also preserve your quality of life. That is not being selfish it is being realistic and sensible.
I hope things continue to go smoothly.
Hugs, @compmom. My father moved from AL to SNF memory care; the worst was the time he spent ‘on the cusp’. I decided to help him move before the other shoe dropped and maybe made it by an hour.
AL does have a lot of regs for who is appropriate to be there and the ND really tipped their hand as to their reticence. Good that you involved the ED and have an idea of next steps. May be a relief all around to have your mother be within the comfort zone of the staff caring for her. I exhaled when the head nurse at my father’s skilled nursing care said that whatever happened over the course of my father’s life, he would never need to move again.
I came home for a two day visit with my dad and have now been here 3 weeks. I don’t see the end. I live 4 hours away and feel like I’m stranded on an island.
My sister is with me or I’m afraid I’d fold up in a ball. We’re both sleep deprived and going brain dead. The learning curve is huge— I’ll pass my nursing boards next week LOL—I spend half my time googling stuff and watching YouTube videos.
It’s not half as bad as what some of you are going through though so if you can manage then I can too!
My dad is together mentally but I’m finding it difficult to be decision maker 24/7. He had gall bladder drain put in, came home with flu, has UTI. Doctor appts that are difficult to get to, can’t eat properly etc. Home health is great or very much not depending on who shows up.
Certainly an eye opener—my husband says to hire someone to relieve us but I simply can’t. Not worth it and way too much very important stuff drops through the cracks.
I’m a pharmacist who worked years in a hospital and can pretty well see who knows their stuff and who doesn’t.
We’ll figure it out. Thanks.
I would prefer someone talk to me nicely and tell me that she cannot come back to AL, to the kind of angry, punitive tone I dealt with today as the AL apparently struggles to offer a trial. I have a kid with health issues and brought her up, via some bad experiences with the school in keeping her safe during the day, about “institutional behavior.” Institutions are like organisms: their first function is to survive themselves. I would be fine with hearing that they cannot handle her. Just say it! Don’t act angry and pile on all these conditions on me that you know are impossible to keep. How long can I be there 24/7?I am so sorry to stress the staff!!! Geez!!! The kicker is that the AL probably caused this whole thing by omitting stool softener from her meds two nights in a row, a significant error.
Anyway, the decent nursing homes around here have two year waiting lists. I am filling an application one out tonight.
I WOULD bring her home but I am in a temporary winter rental myself. I sold my house and moved in with my daughter when she had a brain injury and since then have been in seasonal rentals, orbiting my mother. I realized it would be hard to adapt a rental.
I have a consultant to call who knows all the facilities around here. The nice nurse at the rehab told me some assisted living places are better with colostomies. Things to investigate, tour etc.
As I left, there was the sweetest scene at the rehab, with 4 older women with varying maladies and disabilities, sitting together and helping each other 
One of them gave my mother one of her own colostomy bags so we can try to get one!
@compmom Right after we moved my mom to the AL we regretted it and realized she would have been much better off in a skilled nursing facility. Almost right from the beginning we needed to hire private help to care for her. The AL made it clear to us that there were many things they couldn’t or wouldn’t do.
ams5796 I hope they talked with you nicely!
I read all the regulations over the weekend for my state My mother has been there three years. The colostomy is just too much for them apparently.
Hope your mother is in a good place now…
Guess my bottom line especially @compmom is that you’re doing the right thing. You have gone above and beyond and while that’s admirable in so many ways you need to save yourself too.
@compmom When I read your post it brought back a flood of tough memories. They promised us care before we moved her in and then pulled the rug out from under us when she got there. We never got what we wanted or what my mom needed from them. And, no they never told us nicely! Your situation is obviously different since your mom has already been there and you know what they provide. In our state there are two types of ALs social models and medical models. We moved her into a social model which was a huge mistake. She declined so quickly. That’s great that you’ve read through all the state regulations. You have gone above and beyond. I wish you the best.
Hmmm a medical model assisted living sounds interesting. I have never heard of that.
I just wrote the consultant I met last year. I need help!