Are your parents documented with an impaired memory diagnosis? If so, I would smile and say that their signatures would not be legal in a lawsuit as they cannot give “informed consent”. I bet they would accept the POA pretty quickly. If they still don’t agree, contact the ombudsman at the State Attorney General’s office and verify the requirement.
@ECmotherx2 yes, both have documented deficiencies. I don’t have an issue with the business manager and I am sorry if I gave that impression. I am more incredulous that the state would require this. The whole point is that only people who are unable to make safe decisions are suitable for the program. The business manager said something to the effect of, the state wants to make sure no one is putting someone in memory care against their will.
Well, then those competent people are NOT going to sign of course. But the incompetent ones ALSO think they are competent, so they will not sign. I mean really, who is going to logically be able to say, “Oh yes, I am mentally incompetent. Let me sign this paper to that effect” 
@somemom I think the business manager was trying to “wink wink, nudge nudge” me into saying I tried three times. And I guess I can do that.
Wow @surfcity, that’s a crazy rule. I would be pissed and go through the legal hassles of being the conservator before asking my parents to sign such documents. One time, about a year ago, I called the social security office to have my parents address changed to mine. They insisted I put one of them on the phone so I chose mom who would at least speak english words . Finally, after about 10 minutes of the agent trying to ask questions, and her not understanding, he just went ahead and changed the address. I’m sure he acted against the rules. But those rules are made to be broken.
Anyway, what benefit is there to anyone to “put them away” in memory care?
It gets so frustrating when they get to the point that they have no idea what is being asked of them. I took my mother to HER bank, the bank she had been doing business with for years, but the young man we needed to talk to wouldn’t even talk to her because she didn’t have a photo ID. Even though I showed him my POA and verified who she was, it was no go. We had to find her birth certificate, and go to the Drivers License place (where the employees hate their jobs and make the general public miserable just for fun) to get her a photo ID. After that, I made friends with a few of the employees (took her and introduced her). But with phone calls about credit cards or bills, she would have to get on the phone and give them permission to talk to me; she would get so frustrated.
@mykidsgranny I know what you mean when telephone reps want to speak to my dad to make sure they’re permitted to talk to me. Sometimes I put him on the phone and he sounds amazingly like my husband. ?
^ I was so lucky at our dmv. I came in with my mom in a wheelchair (a few months ago) and they took us to the desk to get through quickly. I needed to get her a state ID. They couldn’t have been nicer to us and especially to her. I was so stressed beforehand and never expected the prompt and gracious assistance.
I was so tired of jumping through hoops. I had the legal documentation, but to talk to a rep on the phone was a nightmare. I set up online accounts and was able to “chat” via online. If I needed to call, it was amazing how much I can sound like a 90 yr old. I had to get all sorts of MD and health care documents plus my POA to present to Social Security to become a representative payee. When I arrived for the appointment, they still wanted to see my aunt, who was bedridden. I looked around the office and proclaimed that they were non ADA compliant as I didn’t think her hospital bed could fit in the door. I told them that I was not leaving until the paperwork was accepted, I told them I was calling my Congressman and Senator, I had quite a crowd of people watching. They had the guard standing next to me, I thought for sure I was going to be escorted out. After 1 hour, I finally got them to accept the paperwork that they previously agreed to accept. It was bizarre and exhausting.
Wow @ECmotherx2 , I did my mom’r rep payee for SS almost entirely by phone and fax. I can’t remember now if that was before or after I got the court guardianship or not, but I THINK it was before.
I am sorry you had to fight.
Her DMV was really easy, too although I had to take her in person for that. She was always so polite in public that it wasn’t hard.
I don’t recall going through that many hoops to get rep payee for SS for my mom, but that was over 10 years ago. Just like @ECmotherx2 I’ve, on limited occasions, been my mother on the phone, usually with insurance, just to avoid a hassle.
I had to have SS talk with each of my folks so they would change their mailing address. It was SO painful. Dad couldn’t even tell them his mom’s maiden name and stumbled on his birthdate. I had to hang up, write out the answers, whisper them to him (without the employee hearing them). I was so relieved when it was done.
With SS I was really lucky and got a very sympathetic woman who changed my Dad’s address for me. Everything was hard for us and took multiple tries. The worst were the stock brokers. We ended up hiring a financial advisor who was able to finally get it done. But still, 3 years later, we have been unsuccessful with his IRAs. Honestly he doesn’t have that much money in them so we have stopped trying. He is supposed to take a required minimum distribution, but in order to take it he has to tell them what to sell. And he can’t. We have tried multiple times a failed miserably. All of his other assets are in his Trust, which my sister and I were able to take over.
Someone from the drivers’ license office came to the AL for my FIL to renew his State ID.
My sister took our mom to the office to get her an ID and they were wonderful- didn’t make her come up to the desk, took the myriad of docs without complaint, and got mom to smile. Every so often, they surprise you.
I think I’m starting to lose my own mind. Tonight while going to sleep I had a panic thought that I forgot to put mom to bed! I didn’t, of course, but now I’m wide awake. The worrying never ends…
@psychmomma when my kids were little I used to wake up in a panic that I forgot to pick them up at soccer practice.
My kid dreams were leaving a baby in a store aisle while I walked away and forgot them. lol.
The stress dreams remind me just how heavy a load this is and that even when things are going along ok, there is an undercurrent of stress all the time.
Yeah, caregiving is fertile ground for final exam dreams.
Psychomomma what a dream!
I have a newsflash: I found an assisted living facility that has zero problems with a colostomy: the nurse would do wafer change (I am doing that where my mother is now and aide would do bag change. That means there is a Plan B other than nursing home.
This morning my mother took the bag off and went out into the hallway with her shirt up, little loop of bright red intestine exposed, and asked the poor housekeeper what it was!!!
I had a long talk with her about what that is, why she has the bag, who handles it and how she should never take it off. After the long talk she looked at me and said “So when do I take it off” Arghhhhh.
Omg. That’s so scary. It’s so difficult when she can’t really be trusted alone for a minute!
We had a similar situation with a catheter. My dad’s assisted living facility was willing to handle him having a catheter but although he would sometimes totally understand he had it and why–several times he pulled it out. An inflated balloon holds it in place so when pulled out there is a lot of pain and blood. Quite scary for the staff. Plus he damaged things enough that eventually he needed a suprapubic catheter. Again they were willing to try but he would pull it out. The whole “can’t be left alone” issue. They began requiring us to pay for aides 24/7 and if an aide called off or there was a gap between shifts I had to be there. Assisted living plus 24/7 care equals $$$$$$$$$$$$$. The hope is that she will eventually come to accept the colostomy as the new normal even if not fully understanding.
My relative in the hospital kept removing and pulling off things: oxygen, cpap, IVs and more. A family member had to be with him 24/7 and try to keep him calm and minimize his swearing at everyone. It was exhausting for everyone.
I’m sure it’s even more tiring for all those having to deal with this 365/yr. I wish there were more and better options.