@momofsenior1 In my opinion, moving a demented person when it is unwarranted us a form of abuse. It’s moving facilities now, but next time it may be something else. I would go to the attorney now to get guardianship plus the funds necessary to maintain her care. It’s not just your dad’s money, it’s hers as well.
@123txmom I would ask the local senior service agency for references. If she is part of a faith community, often posting in the church newsletter will bring forward those who do elder care as companions. I would choose my battles though. For someone who doesn’t follow her doctor’s suggestions, she seems to do pretty well at 90 and capable of living on her own. Perhaps she has something to teach us all.
Ativan is a fall risk and most doctors I know are reluctant to prescribe it due to effects on dementia (more confusion). But in a true end of life situation (and hospice is not usually limited to that) Ativan is very helpful. Otherwise, for anxiety, it seems as if gabapentin is being used a lot these days.
@123txmom this is a hard situation. If you hired help and they showed up at the door, would your mom turn them away?
Does she have a diagnosis? Rejecting meds and foods after scrutiny of labels sounds a little unreasonable, at least taken to those lengths.
Any chance you can get a proxy or Power of Attorney? That would give you the legal power to do things for her, though not sure that solves your problem.
I can’t really tell how unreasonable your mother is. But I like to use what I call the “third party principle.” Maybe call your local elder services agency, and get the doctor involved. Try to arrange things so that someone else- and someone with authority- recommends help. It can be in the context of “everyone over 90…”
Does she still drive? If so, a rehab driving evaluation program can help. I had to use some fiblets to get my mother there…
There are some technologies out there to help with med management. Maybe someone else can say more on that.
Is assisted living a possibility?
I just spent a weekend with my mom (87) and my sister. They came with my niece to visit my grandson and I was able to see firsthand the destructive dynamic between them. I live 400 miles away from them and my sister lives 6 minutes from my mom, who lives independently in her apartment. It has become clear to me that my sister is feeling the stress of being responsible for my mom most of the time so much so that even little things cause friction between them. She schedules and takes mom to all her doctors’ appointments, makes sure she has groceries and brings her over for dinner at least once a week. They have been oil and water, personality-wise, all their lives, and my mom is not shy about the fact that she runs all decisions by me (the oldest) rather than trust that my sister (the youngest) knows what she’s saying. TO be fair, it goes both ways - my sister often assumes that my mom will be more demanding than she is and, in anticipation, responds inappropriately. Fact is, neither sees it in the other.
After they left, it was clear to me that we have two options - either mom accepts help with her ongoing needs to relieve the stress on my sister, or she moves down by me. I have no children at home (my sister has 2 teenagers) and I am surrounded here by friends who are dealing with the same challenges. However, I live in a very high cost-of-living area and there is no way that she will be able to live in an apartment 1/4 as nice as the one she had now. And when I broached it, she said unequivocally that she is not moving and she doesn’t want help. She keeps saying she’ll take a taxi to appointments or walk to the grocery store but that’s the fantasy she creates to pretend she doesn’t need the help that she needs. Mostly she needs a driver but she says she doesn’t want to deal with any people other than the ones she already knows. She’s basically infuriating when she repeats, over and over again, that she likes to be alone and doesn’t want to deal with new people. I know she misses my dad terribly, but I’m afraid she will will herself to die before she needs to once she makes it to my S2’s wedding in March. Sorry for the rambling but it’s been a frustrating few days.
My mom visited for a week (long, for her.) We toured two senior living places near me, one of them an impressive luxury facility that had the look and feel of a 5-star hotel. I was ready to move in, lol, but I agree, it was over the top. “I’d be embarrassed to move my furniture here!” mom said, and I laughed. I know what she meant. Another place, still quite nice and much more reasonable in price and decor, will definitely go on the short list. But basically, mom decided she “doesn’t want to live with a bunch of old and decrepit people.” At 86, she still drives, is independent, can take care of herself. I guess it’s just not time yet for this dramatic change – which would involve moving 1200 miles to a harsher climate and away from her beloved community in Calif. Sigh.
I don’t know if this has been shared before, but maybe it will help some. While my parents did not make use of this service, my aunt knows others that have. It is Lyft or Uber without a smartphone. If I am not mistaken, the driver will also help the rider in and out of the car. You also can keep track of where your parent is.
https://gogograndparent.com/
Any suggestions on getting a reluctant elder to shower? Mom is nearly 90 years old and always refuses. In the morning, she tells the CNA she only showers in the night and at night she says she already did! Dad showers in the morning upon promoting by CNA but mom refuses. 
@HImom we’re having the same issue with my mom. She gets upset when the caregiver suggests she shower.
@HImom & @MaineLonghorn We have this issue too
Sometimes dementia patients get nervous or scared by the water sound and pressure and don’t like to shower. I have to do sponge baths for my mom for this very reason.
Same reluctance to shower with my mom. The aides now do targeted “sponge bathing” when they get her dressed in the morning, full showers twice/week and the on-site hair dresser washes her hair in the salon weekly because she hates having water in her face. They have it down to a science but my mom would clearly be happier never bathing again.
My dad HATES to shower. He is in Memory Care and the management/ownership changed a year or so ago. The first group didn’t make him shower and he smelled horrible, had skin issues and looked homeless. The new group insists he showers three times a week. I think it takes three staff and they given him some Ativan about 20 minutes prior. If the preferred staff is there, it goes smoothly, but when they go on vacation he has been known to hit and pull hair. He doesn’t understand the concept of the shower and tells me that they are trying to beat him up. Poor guy. But he really looks fabulous.
At 75, Taking Care of Mom, 99: ‘We Did Not Think She Would Live This Long’
The phenomenon some experts call “aging together” — people in their 60s and 70s, usually women, helping much older relatives — can take a financial toll.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/27/business/retirement-parents-aging-living-to-100.html
Yup—we are in 50s & 60s and helping with folks who are turning 90 & 95. They are in decent physical health so may live many more years but many cognitive issues. It’s challenging. I have many friends and acquaintances in similar situations. Some have relatives on both sides (from both H & W’s side).
When folks are still working full time it’s especially challenging. Most of my sibs are working full-time. Some are also caring for children or grandkids in the home, which really makes it a sandwich situation.
The article @oldmom4896 cites is quite troubling. It is tempting to do whatever needs to be done but to put one’s own retirement at such financial risk seems so unwise.
Quite a sobering article @oldmom4896 It is one reason I bought life-time long term care insurance. It is costing me quite a bit now, but the peace of mind is worth it. It allows me to read such an article without fear for my children.
Dad had a tough time yesterday as he seemed to have memories of his wife who wasn’t there. He crawled under the table which I think he believes is his boat engine room, a comforting place for him. He told the caregiver earlier that he doesn’t know where he’ll live now.
I again gave notice at Assisted Living and put a deposit down on a memory care place. The last time, we went through the whole assessment at a MC facility and at the end they revealed “no colostomy allowed.” So trying again.
The executive director of the AL is actually angry at me. I had to hand her the notice and her behavior was so inappropriate. This is an elegant place with good staff but the ED is horrible. Anyway, the ED and nursing director tell me that my mother is not ready for memory care. They observe her in the hallway where she is cheery and conversational and even jokes. They are very dismissive of my concerns. Also, visitors tell me how great she is doing because she can converse with them, though with some confusion and repetition.
On the other hand I, my brothers and her grandchildren- and the charge nurse-all feel strongly that she DOES need MC. She falls (recent fracture of pubic bone, concussion before that bleeding episodes etc.). She can’t figure out what the colostomy bag is and what she should “do with this thing” (answer, please, NOTHING!). I try to explain that she needs to keep the bag on for shower and change later, but she cannot understand and calls. She has her hearing aid confused. She puts towels in the receptacle for poopy used colostomy bags. She wants gin (hasn’t had it in years) and calls me all the time for it. She wants her checkbook and threatens to call the police (I give it to her and never refuse so the anger is about an imagined refusal.) When she tries to play Bingo, even after many times, she puts the chips across the BINGO and can’t play! However, she is able to play bridge which she has done for 80 years. A mystery.
I have managed to get her more in the habit of activities downstairs (but still have to bring her because noone cues her much and if they do, she says no and they turn away). I also urge her to go outside so nice weather gets her out of her room. The AL has a nice patio with gardens.
The MC will check her every hour so the shower/bag coordination will be better. They will urge her to participate. There is a nice living room where she can read the paper- with others around. The outside area is fenced so she can walk freely. The room is really nice. The level of functioning seems to vary a lot, since it is MC only, and I have met a couple of women who seem to be at her level.
I am having trouble sleeping over this. We had a social worker who pressured me for an hour each visit, that she needed MC and what was I waiting for. But the AL administration says no, and I am upset that they don’t even visit her in the room to investigate further. Are they just happy for her to pay for her big room? There are people in her AL who are wandering around and lost in the building.
I know you all have had trouble with this decision. It is hard also because, ironically, I am attached to staff and other residents after 4 years. I am trying to be objective! Am I being premature? I keep wondering. Is early better than late? Is a move so disruptive that we should hold onto AL as long as possible?
I have wanted to live with her this whole time but at this point I would have to hire someone to be with her which may cost the same. She likes being in facilities, so we are lucky that way. She loves attention and contact and she is not really getting that at AL.
Oh good golly @compmom , I’m so sorry the AL director is doing this to you. It’s crystal clear that the current situation isn’t working. I have no idea why they are being so terrible but the fact is, they are being extremely unprofessional.
Don’t spend another second worrying about why they are doing this. Get out as fast as you can. Your mother needs more monitoring and she is only going to get worse. It is definitely time.
You are a loving daughter and you are absolutely making the right decision.
@compmom - I think doing it earlier will make the transition easier on your mom. Shame on the director for making this even more difficult for you. I’m very sorry!
Having moved my mom 18 months ago to memory care, I’m so happy we did it when we did. We agonized too but after the first couple of weeks of adjustment, it was clearly the best decision for her. Plus staff were able to get to know her while she was still able to communicate more clearly and know her likes and dislikes. I can’t imagine trying to move my mom now where she can barely speak and is now totally depending with her ADLs.
@compmom
I am exhausted just reading about your trials and tribulations with this AL. I don’t know how you have been coping day in and day out for 4+ years.
You are in a very difficult position with what seems like misguidance from the ED and nursing director.
You wrote: " the ED and nursing director tell me that my mother is not ready for memory care. They observe her in the hallway where she is cheery and conversational and even jokes." — I didn’t realize these characteristics excluded an individual from MC.
Based on all you have written and my experience with my dad’s MCF, I don’t believe you are being premature in a move to MC now. It’s unfortunate that the last attempted move failed.
You wrote: “She likes being in facilities, so we are lucky that way. She loves attention and contact and she is not really getting that at AL.”
The most important thing is that you are choosing a place that will best meet the needs of your mother. It seems like the current AL has not been able to do that for a while.
There will be an adjustment no matter when you make a change, but a benefit of moving now is the new staff and other residents will to get to know your mother at her current baseline (cheery, conversational) rather than after she is nonverbal. For the record, my father made was still cheery and making wisecracks a year after entering MC.
Best wishes to you and your mother for a smooth transition.