My grandmother played a game with us, different favorites at different times. Your MIL seems more genuinely concerned, not playing this.
She could establish a trust where the funds go to you and SIL, but earmarked to be used for the child’s benefit (at your discretion, with good intentions you and SIL would follow through on, or some percent.) Or, neither of you could take her to the attorney. Is she compos mentis?
If she is of sound mind, there really isn’t anything you can do.
Not quite the same but my mom passed along her inheritance from her parents directly to the grandchildren in the form of 529s. She didn’t want my father to benefit from any of the money because he was horrible to her parents. It’s been a great gift for us to have that money for tuition so no one was upset.
My mom now has dementia and my dad thought long and hard about how to re-structure his will. (Mom’s will is what it is because she doesn’t have capacity to change it). He doesn’t agree with the financial lifestyle of one of the family members and was thinking about structuring a trust that would pay out in installments. I was the one who said that if he does that for that one family member, he needed to do it for all (which would have been fine). I’m wondering if your sil could express her concerns (if she has them) about her D inheriting all at once, and suggesting scheduled payouts tied to birthday being better? I could see your mil wanting to make it fair for both grandchildren though.
It is awkward where one or more potential beneficiary is financially prudent and another is more iffy. I agree it causes fewer hard feelings when they are treated as similarly as possible—incremental disbursements to each or outright lump to each.
Folks if sound mind DO have right to set terms, no matter how many feelings may get trampled. 
Yes, she is of sound mind. I know there isn’t anything we can do about it, per se’. Dh will talk to her about it.
Well, one thing that can be done is that that fil’s will established a pour-over trust. Its intent was that the monies be used for mil as needed during her lifetime with remainder interest going to dh, sil (or our ds and niece if either predeceased). Dh and sil (and our son and sil’s daughter) planned to sign over their interest in that pour over trust so that it would not come into existence when the estate settled. The plan was for that to go into the revocable trust that mil is supposed to establish when fil’s estate is settled. All of her assets were going to be put into this revocable trust. This was all discussed together with the attorney and based on the attorney’s advice. The pour-over is only worth about 20% of what she has in total. If she decides to go through with this change in her will, dh won’t sign that interest in the pour-over trust away and wil advise the same to sil, ds, and niece. Of course, mil could also need all of that for her care as well so none of it might wind up preserved anyway. But, it is something that could be done.
I just hope mil will be transparent about why she wants to make this change. I don’t want her to feel manipulated by us. However, I also don’t want her to have been influenced by some passing comment by a fellow bridge player who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Idk if that happened, and I am not saying bridge players cannot be estate-planning savvy. 
I just think, if possible, we need to understand her motivation to make sure she isn’t being unduly influenced or heard some wrong advise and taken it as the gospel truth. At a minimum, she needs to sit down and discuss it with her attorney. If she died tomorrow and did not use up any of that money, it is a pretty significant amount - much more than I would turn over to any 22 and 26 year olds without some restrictions.
If you and your husband wouldn’t be comfortable with your child inheriting all at once, your H can have that discussion with his mom as well. Hopefully she’ll listen to everyone’s concerns.
My sisters in laws have been extraordinarily tight with money. Her fil set up a trust so tight that her husband and his sisters have to pay for a full accounting every year and ask for permission for the money. Her husband brought it to a lawyer when he was doing estate planning of his own and was told said none of them will be able to get any money. It will also be eaten up by fees. The lawyer told him it was the most controlling cruel things he’d ever seen.
He told his dad what his lawyer told him and he was shocked. He didn’t intend for the excessive fees and not being able to get any money but he was absolutely determined to try and make it generational inheritance. It’s not nearly enough for that. All he’s doing is guaranteeing generations of the ones overseeing the trust will earn commission.
So the bone infection isn’t responding to the oral antibiotics. His blood pressure is low, he’s having increased trouble swallowing, and he is more confused than usual. His skilled nursing facility is starting him on IV antibiotics and fluids, and running some labs. I’m going to visit tomorrow. Hopefully he can hang on until then.
I am trying to get my mother to do this! It means I won’t have to spend all the money on my own care, in my view. My kids can give me money. I’m fine with that!
So far, my mother refuses to do this. I am going to have to look into the best ways to get inheritance immediately to my kids after she dies, due to the 5 year look back period for Medicaid.
Thinking of you and your dad @chb088
@Hoggirl It sounds like she is concerned for her granddaughter and is trying to be fair. She must perceive that your SIL will not use an inheritance to benefit her grand daughter. Perhaps your husband and SIL can get a handle on her motivations. As my brother passed, my niece and nephew will get half my dad’s inheritance while I get the other half. I plan to start evening things out by gifting to my kids once I am assured the can invest appropriately. It might be a while though. Dad is strong.
Lol. Well something was lost in translation somewhere along the way! Either between mil to sil or sil to dh! Mil just wants to do a specific bequest of a reasonable amount to ds and niece. Whew! I am glad she brought it up now since everything is about to be finalized with fil’s estate. Mil has a CD that matures in September that dh had not yet put into her trust that will cover what she wants to do. Easy to just keep it out of her revocable trust and put it in a bank account with a POD on it.
I discovered a new (to me) podcast. It’s called Psychiatry & Psychotherapy with Dr. David Puder. Although it’s aimed at practitioners, and I’m not in the field, as a curious persons, I have found some episodes interesting and helpful.
Episode 39 is Depression & Anxiety in Geriatric Patients
I mention it here in hopes it will help someone.
Ugh, a minor problem in the big picture, but still a pain. The financial person my dad hired finally got my parents’ financial accounts reconciled - it was quite a big job. Then she went back this week and everything had been changed! Apparently, my mom got in there, trying to “help.” The woman had to go back and fix everything. I’ve suggested she copy the file and put it in a weird folder so Mom can’t find it, and then if the original file is altered, it won’t matter.
I remember talking to my tax attorney about generation-skipping bequests, and he said there are tax ramification in those, too. I don’t remember what they were, or if he even went into detail, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds.
I’m to be a recipient of a generation skipping bequest set up by my mom’s mom. But, it could not be passed down until after my mom died. This way, my mom could ask for it if it was thought she had a compelling need. Indeed, I did ask for distribution from that account to help pay for her care. I ended up using half the money for her care and the rest should be distributed to her children, and in our case, my late brother’s half will go to my niece and nephew. Mom died early March and haven’t seen anything yet. I did fill out paperwork 6 weeks ago that needed to be sent back by overnight Fed Ex.
My mom fell yesterday at her Memory Care. She had two aides with her. They sat her down in the chair after her bath, turned to get clothes and clean up the bathroom, and she immediately got up and fell into the wall. This time the fall was significant enough that she fractured her rib :(. I feel absolutely awful for her. The NP said they’d be giving her a very low dose, non opioid pain killer for the next few days but that it should heal quickly. She also said it doesn’t seem to be slowing mom down which is good.
I’m concerned about all these falls. My mom has a long history of falls - probably spanning back three years but this is the first fracture. She’s more unsteady on her feet now and has lost her sense of depth perception/spatial relations. We’ve tried multiple times to teach her to use a walker but her ALZ is so progressed that she doesn’t remember to take it and she fights the PT all the way when they try to introduce it. She can’t remember when someone tells her to stay seated and even with “constant” supervision, the falls are still happening. (I don’t blame the facility because they happened at home too).
Wondering if any of you had any experience with helping to manage falls in a situation like this?
Quick question - do you maintain a renters insurance policy when your loved one is in Memory Care? My folks’ premium is over $200 and I really don’t see the need. They have $58000 in property coverage (they have 2 beds and 2 dressers, that’s all) and then liability of course. I already dropped the umbrella policy - not sure if I should drop this. (I see they have an endorsement of “limited water damage” and identity theft. Maybe I can drop those)
@momofsenior1 - I have no good answer on the falls. You’re right that a person with dementia is never going to remember basic instructions, it’s so frustrating. I would think the MC staff have some professional tricks they can use?
My mother has been falling a lot the last year and a half, since her LBD took over her life. She lost depth perception a few years ago, but was still with it enough to avoid dangerous situations. Now that dementia is the rule, she cannot make good choices. She was trying to use the walker to pull herself up and over onto the floor they both went; if she did use it as a walker she would carry it off the ground in front of her! I also had to replace the commode that set over the toilet with one that was screwed onto the seat as she would try to use that lightweight piece as a support.
I have previously watched my MIL fall for many many years so am rather inured to the stress of it, I know in my heart that it is all about the landing. My mother can fall dozens of times with no serious issues, and little memory of it. A couple of times she has cut her head and once required stitches, the other time I was able to bandage it tightly so it stopped eventually.
Having watched my in laws, her falling, his obsession with staying in their own home though it seemed unsafe, I have adjusted to the realization that sometimes we kids make it a priority that the parents be safe, but what they really want is independence. There are even studies about that. Because of all the time I spent dealing with the in laws first, I was able to analytically decide that I am not going to stress my mother’s falls. I know she will fall, often; I see that she is only occasionally injured and I see that she cannot make good choices no matter how often I remind her so I am not going to make her feel sad/bad nor increase my frustration badgering her. I am tempted at times to put a helmet on her! I am also choosing to be very careful about how I get her up off the floor and avoid injuring myself.
My mother lives in my home, I know from experience that oldsters in AL can also fall and if they do not choose to hit their call button they may not be found for hours (that’s a story for another day) so my mother is just as safe at my house as at an AL. She may fall when I am outside or I might not hear it, so I installed a WYZE camera allowing me to check on her.
It’s not a decision I came to lightly, but after much experience, I am deliberately not stressing the falls and not worrying about preventing every possible fall. I have made efforts to remove anything in her room I can that might be injurious. I have also prevented her from walking out the more dangerous way (stone floor) from her suite and redirected her via the wood floor hall.
@momofsenior1 How do they know it’s a fractured rib or how serious? I had xrays. Low dose non opioids did zip for me. Nor opioids. We settled on absolute max Ibuprofen, which still left pain.
The risk to elderly is pneumonia, huge risk. My point is, I think you need to assess for yourself whether she’s ok. Maybe it’s really a pulled muscle or rib bruise?
I worry about falls for my mil as she ages. She has always been rather clumsy and has had falls in her much younger years. She doesn’t pay much attention - she almost fell backwards down 8 or so steps at commencement because she was backing up trying to get a photo!
Agreeing with @somemom about falls happening in AL. My cousin’s husband’s mother fell and broke her hip the very first night she was in AL. It was tragic because her propensity for falling was one of the reasons that prompted my cousin’s husband and his brothers to put her in AL in the first place.