I made progress. My mother in law has agreed to not leave Friday. At first father in law was insisting they go because resting here was the same as resting at home. Then we talked about how she can’t help herself at home from doing things, cooking, cleaning, dealing with the animals, etc. Here she is truly resting. They both agreed with that. Then I said she’s asking you to stay for her. I get you want to be home, but she needs you to stay for her. Even though you’re fine. His next comment was she doesn’t need me to sleep. And we had been talking about animals before and I joked, consider yourself an emotional support animal, I can even get you a vest. So we will see. I sent a message to my pcp and he suggested a neurologist.
I step in because they’re thinkers, tip toers, etc. When it comes to elderly care, I’m a doer. And sometimes things go better coming from me than their kids.
@eyemamom ESA vest on your FIL, that’s great!!! Good for you buying them more recovery time. They’re lucky to have you.
@eyemamom Love the vest idea. Brilliant! You are doing a great job in a difficult situation.
@GTAlum the assisted living is not telling my mother she has to leave. ( If she wanders, or takes off the colostomy bag, they will. ) So that can’t really work.
I am giving up for now and am going to take her for a simple visit tomorrow, and have asked if the wellness director and social worker who visited her, could say hi.
I told my mother that since she is so strong and physically able right now (this is a good way to get to her, addressing her current strength), it is an opportunity for her to tour places in case she ends up in rehab again and has to go to a different place. She is a little mixed up about this and may think she is looking at a rehab, but whatever.
So I think I am going to do a layered approach. She won’t remember the visit of course but I can later tell her she has been there. I’ll see her reaction to it. (If we can convince her to spend a night or two, I am ready with meds and forms, but not expecting that to happen.)
Social workers, doctor and nurse have all said memory care is a good idea right now but noone has said she HAS to go, except for one social worker. The assisted living she is in is full of people who should be in memory care. I guess I am just being more proactive than some folks who don’t live nearby. (And I am personally filling gaps in her care too.)
The gardens at assisted living are beautiful and she sits in the sun. I am not taking her to activities anymore, while the sun is out. She brings a book that she has carried around for 14 months and looks happy enough. She isn’t taking the colostomy bag off despite asking to take it off constantly. She may fall. That is my assessment at the moment. She still has a minimal competence that would mean she has some ability to choose and I have to honor that I think. When the sun cools, I’ll revisit.
In laws agreed to stay a few more days. I believe the plan is to leave on Monday. My mil gets the reality that their place is too much but neither is willing to make a change. They accept the scenario of a catastrophe, hospital stay, rehab and the likelihood we will be forced to choose something for them. Hubby wants to go look at our local places and get on some waiting lists. Should we be forced to deal with this they will have to come by us where we can oversee their care.
My father in law stumbles around unsteady on his feet and seems completely confused at times.
I got horrible food poisoning the other day. 24 hrs later I still couldn’t hold down a sip of water so hubby took me to the er for an iv and nausea meds. While we were gone my fil saw a copperhead snake in the yard tangled in a netting at the bottom of one of our trees. He decided to try and rescue it. He and my mil cut it loose and then got it in my cooler and put it in my house!! They wanted to bring it to a sanctuary. Hubby had to convince them no local park wanted a poisonous snake. The snake had some lacerations and mil wanted hubby to pour hydrogen peroxide on it. Hubby agreed to take it a mile down the road to some cornfields. Mil asked if he put it by a creek and if he thought it would be happy where it was left.
It’s a miracle they made it through unscathed.
I did talk to mil about what was most challenging and she said the grocery shopping. They don’t have delivery where she is but they do have the pick up service. I downloaded an app for her to try and use. We will go over it again before she leaves.
Meanwhile her addicted granddaughter calls to tell her that her stepfather was so condescending to her she stole his car. I’m hoping he presses charges. Jail could be the best thing for her.
We will send them back to their insane asylum and wait for the next catastrophe.
@eyemamom LOL at the snake story! My mom was a snake rescuer as well. Once she rescued one
from the cats and brought it to the neighbor thinking they would appreciate it for their garden. They didn’t…But mom was very confused with the hollering and carrying on when presented with the snake. Hope you are feeling better.
Can anyone here recommend a meal service that delivers in the Palos Verdes area (Southern California)? My mom would enjoy having all the ingredients delivered with simple instructions of turning them into a meal.
@katliamom we have used Martha’s Senior Gourmet. Good food, but it is completely prepared.
Thanks @DeniseC, I saw that online. Completely prepared may be of interest to her as well – certainly at some point.
DH and I have decided that MIL really should move from her house into an independent living complex. She is lonely, should stop driving, and no longer enjoys cooking. DH and I have previewed some nearby places and will take her to a couple of them. Of our two favorites, one has a buy-in and the other doesn’t. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? The monthly fees are comparable, and both offer more care than just independent living if needed in the future. The buy-in does offer 90% return when she moves out. Money is not unlimited, but she has enough to live in either place.
I’d look into what grounds are for being kicked out of both locations, what obligations are of the resident and place if the resident is kicked out (some places you owe several more months of “rent” if you choose to leave, other amount if you are booted out.) I’d also look into what the cost is for increased care–like having a CNA or other assistant to provide bathing assistance, make sure medications are taken, etc. What memory care and other assistance is available and what is the cost? Will the patient need to move when the patient needs more care? How do the patients in the higher levels of care at both locations look–do they seem engaged? Are they clean? Do they appear happy? Do their relatives say the patients are happy? Are there activities that interest your MIL at either/both location? Does either place remind residents to participate in activities?
Is there transportation to get residents to shopping mall? Grocery store? Medical appointments? Is there extra charge? Does Uber/Lyft/rideshare serve both locations? What are policies of the venues for rideshare? Is there parking for visitors? Can visitors stay overnight with the resident in the resident’s place? What are the rules for this? Where do residents eat? What are hours? How many guests can resident dine with? Are advanced reservations required? How long in advance? What are charges for extra guests? Those are just a few questions off the top of my head.
One concern we had with a buy in unit for my MIL years ago, was how her unit would presented if a new owner was needed. By that I mean, would the owner actively show all units available, would that show another empty unit over my MIL’s? The return was only if her unit was “sold” and I didn’t have a good feel for how it would be marketed over the other units. In the end, she went with the building that did not require the buy in.
My folks bought in, as did many of their friends. It’s considered the “premier” senior living community. It has mostly been a good thing, as they and their children have some assurance they they will eat regularly in the dining hall, they are “guaranteed” space in the more advanced care units–assisted living and memory care, and it’s near our homes.
They honestly weren’t interested in any of the other developments as this one is the place most of their country club retires to, so lots of familiar faces, which is a plus. There are pluses and minuses of the place, but some of the other places were much worse.
My parents are going to buy into the place they’re moving to. Incredibly expensive, but they (we?) will get all of it back eventually. I’m thankful they have the resources to do this. I don’t know if DH and I will, ack.
Many of those places will give a percentage back after buy in, but not the full 100% (depending on how much you pay at buy in). And when they resell the unit, they pay you back what you paid, but if the new price is a higher sales price (likely after so many years) they take the profit.
Yes, my folks’ place returns 90% of buy-in amount to estate. The estate doesn’t get any appreciation in value nor anything for use of the funds to buy in. I don’t know details of when the estate gets the 90%. It’s NOT a purchase of a residence so you can’t get tax exclusion when you sell home to buy in, but if you qualify sone MAY be deducted as medical expense.
My moms place had a level to buy in with a 90% return and a lower buy in with no return. However she died within the year and did get what we believed to be the non refundable deposit back.
When between two places get pricing on what is included and what is extra - meals, meds, laundry, cleaning, seeing a nurse, etc. My moms place had a rehab floor where they let residents stay for free when they were sick. Before my moms heart surgery they knew she was nervous and more fragile and they let her stay there for free.
I was so impressed with her place it’s where I would consider going myself, and it’s not even where I live.
And the in-laws made it back home. We took them to Reagan, which the outside is under construction. I walked them inside and had them sit. I requested assistance a few days earlier. They gave me a gate pass. They were going on a commuter where you have to be aware and hear them announce your flight, go down an escalator, board a bus and walk up a flight of stairs to your plane.
Since I got to go to the gate I got to watch a lot of it play out. They take them down an elevator to a special assistance area where a person in charge comes over to meet them. She tells them, just stay right here, when your flight is boarding someone in a vest will come get you, take you in a special vehicle and we have the handicap ramp. You don’t have to do anything but wait here. Now that you’ve checked in with me this flight cannot board anyone until you’re on the plane. And so began 15 minutes of questions. Like, I can’t hear the announcement how do I know when to go? How will they know it’s us? On and on. Then my fil gets out of his wheelchair, staggers around and just starts walking away. I couldn’t stay because hubby was out in the car and the parking lot and cell phone lots were closed. I felt at that point they’d be fine and get in the plane but what would happen on the other side was out of my control. Sure enough, fil couldn’t find his car at the tiny parking lot. Yes, he drove them home. They have no plan, won’t pay for help and won’t consider anything. How they manage on a daily basis is beyond me. A certain amount of crisis is necessary now for them to feel the heat.
My parents bought into their facility. They bought the condo, and paid a monthly fee for the services such as dining, cleaning, maintenance…After my experience, it is what I would recommend because it turned out, I didn’t want them to go to the facility’s memory care. It was fine, but the care home close to me was better. The buy in allowed me to use the money toward the care they received at the care home. There were downsides though. Until the unit was sold, I had to pay the monthly fee even though the condo was empty. It took 9 months for the unit to sell. Not surprising as there is a lot of retirement facilities in the area and this place was, because of the buy in, expensive. In fact, you had to have proof of a certain net worth in order to move there. In addition, a certain percent (I think 5%) stayed with the facility. In the long run, we had more money in the bank than a non-buy in to pay for their care. For 9 months though, I was scrambling to keep accounts solvent while paying long-term care costs plus the high condo fees.
Yikes @eyemamom
Yes, in addition to “buying in,” my folks pay a monthly fee that allows them a certain $ amount towards meals and includes one day a week of someone coming in and doing light cleaning and washing sheets. If they have anything above and beyond that, it’s more $$$. If they need someone to help do anything, that’s more money. Fortunately, they fix the lights, TV, install grab bars that they have in inventory at no extra charge. They also unlock for folks who are locked out of their units and for an extra charge will re-issue new key fobs as well.
This isn’t exactly a “care” question. More of a “concern” question. Dh just got off the phone with his sister. Fil passed away last August. Dh is the executor. Plan has been for mil to put everything into a revocable trust after everything is settled. Dh would be the trustee of that as well. Dh and sil get along great and get along with mil. No issues at all. He just got off the phone with his sister who informed him that mil has decided that she now wants to change her will to leave all her assets to our son and my sil’s daughter (our niece). My sil told dh that mil has mentioned this a couple of times. Everything was going to be set up pretty conventionally by the trust. Everything split to dh and sil when mil passed or per stripes to granddaughter and grandson if either of them had passed. Granddaughter is 26 and our ds just turned 22.
I have no idea why she has had this change of heart where she would completely skip over dh and his sister. She re-did her will and POA’s, etc, not long after fil died at the advice of the attorney.She will now have to change it again. Of course, it is her money, and she can do as she wishes, but there is not any family strife at all. Dh and sil have both done a LOT for mil since fil passed.
I will say that fil’s parents established a generation-skipping transfer trust, and when fil passed, the assets in that trust were distributed as per his will and went directly to dh and sil. MIl knew that trust existed, and claimed it didn’t bother her that fil’s parents had done that, but now I am not so sure. However, the amount that was in that trust was significantly less than what mil currently has. Another reason she may want to make a change is her concerns about granddaughter. She flunked out of college, is only working P/T retail at 20 hours per week. Mil once said to me that she feared granddaughter would wind up “homeless.” So, I don’t know if she fears for her but believes she needs to be fair to our son (who, thankfully has successfully launched into adulthood) or ???
Sorry this got so long. Have any of you had elderly parents who have made significant changes to wills? Cutting out children in favor of grandchildren where there is no ill will with the children? I really have no idea where this is coming from. It seemed very out of the blue to me. Would this concern you? Thoughts, advice, etc?