My grandmother said that, then my mother (who complained about Grams saying that) began saying it. I guess none of us see ourselves as ‘old people’ even in our 90s.
On the continuing care facility, there is some benefit, for some personalities, to moving in whilst you still have the strength and fortitude to be yourself, to make friends and a place in the community before becoming more feeble.
My relatives are currently in denial about their ages and honestly insist they’re 10-20 years younger than their current ages. I guess at some point, the years melt away.
It’s a point of pride with them that they use no assistive devices to walk with but I think they’d be more hindered than helped if they tried to use them.
My dad WAS 10-20 years younger than his age until suddenly he wasn’t. Quite a rude awakening for him.
Somewhere I have heard, “Old is always fifteen years older than you are.”
I agree with your second paragraph. I truly, truly hope I am proactive when I get to that point in life.
The folks are increasingly forgetful and confused. Can’t remember if they went out with a friend or relative even when asked a few hours to a day later. Sad and scary!
@somemom Respecting my folks’ wishes and their desire for independence has been my goal. I ask myself what would I want: I would want my wishes to be respected. I agree with your post. My mom’s demise was pretty fast and so once I persuaded my dad to let her go, to not take special measures to keep her alive, her wishes were respected. There were a few tough days while I worked on changing his mind, but just a few days, not weeks or months. I was lucky.
Dealing with him is tougher. I am still trying to respect his choices, and he is competent, but he makes some bad decisions. His diet is terrible and he isolates himself too much. I am trying to cut him some slack and let him grieve and to find his own way and to bite my tongue. I’ll visit him next week and hope that face to face I can get him to agree to accept more help and to take better care of himself. (That was part of my thinking about Silver Sneakers. He likes to work out and maybe I could work that angle. If he’d go to a class, then start walking in a pool, he’d feel so much better.)
I imagine myself in my eighties, though, alone and sad and thinking “leave me alone I can do what I want!” I might choose to spend some time living on ice cream and watching Netflix. Heck, there are days I’d like to do that now.
I have sorbet every night while I watch Netflix. Hmmmm.
@HImom my physically active parents with dementia never used assistive devices either. It was also something they would boast about, and I always feared of someone needed a walker, they would not use it as a matter of pride. But, at a certain point, it would have been difficult as people can’t learn to use one when they have dementia. Mom used one for about 1-2 month before she died with 24 hour care helping her use it. Dad will be the same way. Once he can’t independently walk, I’ll know it will be time for hospice as it will mean brain has forgotten how to walk.
I like binging and ice cream too!
My mom learned to use a rollator after a hospitalization and drastic decline while having dementia. She refused to use a cane or walker before getting sick, and I was very worried she would fall. She was in rehab for six weeks after the hospital and they coaxed her into using the rollator to walk again. She still sometimes asks “what’s this for?” Or “am I supposed to use this thing?” but at this stage, I’m with her all the time, giving her 3-4 word instructions for every task. I’m relieved she can still walk a little bit because I don’t know if I can continue to take care of her if she’s bedbound.
I have tried in the past teaching my mom to use a cane but she ends up holding it in the air and it’s really unhelpful. She prefers to grip loved ones as tightly as possible and we are her living canes.
When the in laws moved into IL/AL, the use of a walker or even a cane was the biggest social stigma, they were worse than 7th grade girls about one upping each other and if you needed a walker, you were lower on the social strata
Everyone at my mother’s AL uses a rollator. My mother was in a wheelchair for a little while after breaking her pelvis, and when she went back to the rollator she kept sitting on the seat, thinking it was a wheelchair. I would find her going down the hallway crab-like, with her feet in front propelling her. (She did relearn how to use it though.)
I thought I would check out the reviews of my parents’ rental condo on the Texas coast. Ugh, the second review of the entire condo building on TripAdvisor mentions my parents’ unit specifically - negatively. It said there are many, many artificial flowers and decorations everywhere, and that it’s very dusty. 
My dad wants to take more stuff down there when they sell their house! My sister really needs to go down and check out the condo, but she just doesn’t have time.
The closing on their independent living unit is March 10. At that time, they have to start paying the expensive monthly fee. They have another three months to come up with the HUGE entrance payment. Dad hasn’t qualified yet, since he still has caregivers. They may make an exception for him since he was on the board of directors. I’ll find that out on Monday. This is getting stressful.
Home for a visit. My dad had a procedure done that, while simple, was better done with someone here. He is managing okay. Some elements of his new life were not as bad as I feared, some worse. I persuaded him to try a few new things—we will see if he does or not.
The sadness and loneliness are the hardest parts for him.
Lizardly don’t know what climate your Dad is in but we find that the loneliness is worse in the cold winters here.
He lives in a place with seasons, but not a long, gray winter. Because of his age though, even a little rain and cold keeps him inside.
Why is it so hard for ALL family members to be on board with making sure the folks have their medications AND dad has supplemental O2 before he goes out? All but one family member are able to cooperate in this — why can’t we make it unanimous? Bad things happen when medicine and oxygen are skipped!
Sounds aggravating and potentially dangerous, HImom. I think your question may be partially rhetorical, yet hope there is a way to get some of this off your plate. You for sure are not alone. I’ve encountered very few families (including my own and DH’s) where all sibs are equally tuned in to elder needs and reality.
Is there a stated reason for the omissions or a general lack of responsibility for details? Do they cave if there is parental resistance, wanting to avoid conflict, be the “good guy” or just get them out the door? Are they generally prone to minimizing the evidence of advancing parental health challenges? If all other sibs get it and understand what makes the non-compliant sib tick, perhaps a strategy to address it constructively can be tried. Here’s hoping.
Well, one brother (the one with power of atty and Med power of atty) is pretty clueless. He just told all of us to do what we are already all doing (but he hasn’t been), spelling out those steps that we all already are taking. One can hope he will start changing but not holding my breath.
Can you get the Med power of attorney changed so you are #1? My mother thought she needed a lawyer for the medical proxy, so my brother was #1. He’s a great guy but has no experience with medicine. I found I had to fight even harder to prevent harm to my mother from doctors and hospitals (for instance, taking her off Coumadin, which would cause stroke). So my brother and I convinced her to change her proxy and I have been #1 for 4 years now. So much easier. This might not address the problem you describe but it would be overall helpful. (I will add that I have already faced the responsibility of choosing surgery or hospice, and being #1 isn’t so easy then!)