@walkinghome My condolences.
Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry! I will be thinking of you and your family.
@walkinghome I am so sorry for your loss. My sister passed away more than 20 years ago and when my mom was in memory care but still able to speak she said she was mad because my sister didn’t come visit. Broke my heart in more than one way that day. BUT, my advice is not to tell her. It doesn’t make any sense in the world your mom lives in now. Just like we didn’t remind Mom that HER parents were gone (long gone) It is OK to bring up a good memory. It is also OK to cry because you might be surprised that if you tell your mom you need a hug you will get some comfort there. Or just redirect the conversation.
It is so hard and I am very sorry for your loss of your sister.
I’m so sorry @walkinghome.
I’m also in the camp of not telling your mom. When my grandfather died, my grandmother would constantly ask for him and my mom insisted on telling her the truth. She grieved over and over again, as if she just learned the information for the first time. It was awful. Eventually my mother finally realized she had to stop.
@walkinghome, I’m so sorry for your kids and grief.
My grandmother’s brother passed away about two weeks before my grandmother did. At that point she had just been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia – she was sharp as a tack til that last illness. She lived with my parents for ten years and my dad, a retired surgical nurse, cared for her, my mom and aunt. My parents never told GiGi about her brother. If she had gotten past her illness and returned home, I’m sure they would have.
It’s ok to act lovingly to protect yourself and your mom.
My mom always asks about H’s aunt that she casually knows. She’s been dead for some time. We’ve tried various approaches. Redirection and then she persists. At least she isn’t upset when she finds out the auntie died.
With a closer connection, I think it’s more upsetting.
@walkinghome - I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with others that the kindest thing to do is not tell your mother.
Mil was found to have difficulty hearing high tones and that apparently deals with clarity. This, according to the doctor, often impacts hearing the beginning sounds of words?? As an example, my sil said the the tester had given mil the word, “wash,” but she heard it as the word, “rush.”
Basically the doctor said her hearing loss was age-related, and it’s up to her as to how to proceed. Her hearing isn’t terrible, but I got the idea that she could benefit from hearing aids. Sil says mil will NOT do that. At least not at this point. Idea is that if she feels she is being negatively impacted by not being able to hear well that she could benefit from hearing aids. Sil does think if it gets too bad, mil will wear them. Idk.
I think mostly sil wanted mil to acknowledge that she DOES have a hearing problem. My sil seemingly felt validated by the results. I get the sense that there is sometimes snipping that goes on between them because mil doesn’t hear sil.
@walkinghome - so sorry about the loss of your sister. I understand your wish to not inform your mother. At my father’s memory care skilled nursing facility, the term “therapeutic fiblet” was used to describe reassuring responses that lacked full accuracy. There were folks who did better thinking that their former house was waiting for them and I saw staff finesse people who mistakenly thought their son was coming to pick them up by saying “he’s not here now, come join us for singalong.” If there was no way for a resident to process the info or benefit from having it, they felt there was kindness in avoiding painful experiences or re-living upsets.
The other thing is, as sense of time can be fluid when memory loss is advanced, there is an opportunity for you to visit your mother, see how she is doing in the new place, if she repeatedly mentions your sister, if she can be diverted to other topics, etc. Her challenges may be even more obvious as she navigates a new environment. No harm in not telling her before your trip and seeing if any point in telling later ever surfaces.
In my experience, people whose memory loss makes SNF care appropriate are likely to forget the particulars of where they were previously to a remarkable degree. That focus on the here and now could serve both of you well. Condolences on your loss.
My dad has been hospitalized from Sunday. Prior to admission, he was walking unaided. Now, he can’t even walk with a walker and companion! His white blood cell count is 3x normal, dropped to 2.5x normal and is now higher than upon admission!
Some of them are talking about discharging him as soon as tomorrow and some family members are wanting that while others of us don’t get it, since he’s now considerably worse than upon admission!
He now also gets afib with mild exertion, which is also new.
Sorry to hear that, @HImom. My dad was admitted to the hospital again yesterday. Shortness of breath and lethargy. I just can’t believe that both my dad and my son are in the hospital. I was getting calls at 12:30 am about Dad. I really need to escape. We tried to do that last night by seeing Parasite. Mistake! Did not enjoy it. Another couple on the theater agreed they didn’t get the hype.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I’ll let you know how it goes when I get back from visiting her.
@Hoggirl , Regarding hearing aids, my understanding is that they work much better if you can get them sooner rather than later. They are just easier to adapt to and can be a life changer. I know my Mom was isolating herself because it was too frustrating being in a group and just not being able to hear what people were saying. This article is obviously an ad, but there are some good points in here: https://www.hear.com/useful-knowledge/4-reasons/
@walking home - so sorry about your sister. As concerns what to tell your mom, with my mother I chose not to tell her about deaths that occured once her dementia had gotten worse. She would ask me if I’d talked to ________ lately. I would just say I hadn’t. Eventually, the dementia got to the point where she didn’t even ask about those people. I didn’t see the point of upsetting her.
@walkinghome So sorry about your sister! I have two experiences with this. Early on in my Dad’s dementia his best friend died. The friend would faithfully visit my dad every week. I told him that he died and I took him to the funeral. He seemed to understand and grieve. He is much further along now. My sister and I always bring my dog and Sees candy when we visit. He doesn’t remember my sister or I (although I think we are familiar to him) but remembers the dog and the candy. My dog died just before Christmas. We brought my dad to the house for Christmas and he asked 10 times where the dog was. We would tell him he died, then 10 minutes later he would ask again. We now have a new puppy that we bring to see him. They are bonding, but I am not sure if he remembers that we lost the last dog or not.
Love the phrase “therapeutic fiblet.”
The only surviving elder in my family (my mother) doesn’t have dementia, but I’d lie to her in a heartbeat if it got her through the day.
It costs the caregiver though, so hugs, chocolate, wine, and/or kittens to those of you who carry out the decision and interaction.
@HImom - sorry for your dilemma. Is skilled nursing rehab post hospital an option for your father? Seniors lose muscle mass and stamina quickly during hospitalization, plus have the recovery period for whatever got them admitted. Agree that being realistic about discharge plans is to everyone ‘s advantage and it may be necessary to advocate with the hospital. Built-in access to PT assessments and sessions could optimize his recovery as you see how close to his former baseline he can get. I know you have the added variable of your mother at your house while he is away from their place. Not easy.
All the best to everyone navigating complex and worrisome situations with their seniors. It is hard to care for yourself in the process, but important to try. Dang it when the movie isn’t a much needed distraction, @MaineLonghorn.
^^this. My wife’s family was family B in most of the studies in the 80s and 90s out of Massachusetts General hospital. They have a long family tree of Alzheimer. Her dad passed early 50s. Women on their side decided not to have children. We were contacted yearly. We had our children mid 30s just due to building our practice. The researcher called us to make sure we were considering having children since there were genetic tests and maybe a cure by the time our children would reach this age…
So from this experience, you are also grieving. (So sorry) Even if your parent won’t remember it might just bring closure for you. That’s important also. Grieving with your parent is an OK thing to do. Depending on what stage, just accept the fact that 30 minutes later you might be asked how your sister is doing, and that’s OK also.
You could bring pictures of your family and maybe when you were all young. Seems like some just have better memories of earlier days. There is no right or wrong answer here. You can also talk to her doctor /social worker on how best to approach this. @walkinghome so sorry.
@walkinghome so so sorry about your sister. As others have hinted, the worst scenario is to have to tell her over and over again, with grief each time. I hope you can get away with not telling her.
My mother doesn’t remember my brother’s visits (every two weeks, half hour). Honestly, if a sibling died, I think, if my mothher asked about them or wondered when they were coming, I would say “sometime next week.” The future just always recedes and then the next week I would say the same thing. But everyone is different and every dementia is different.
@HImom my mother has to do extensive rehab/PT/OT every time she goes to the hospital. I wish they had more staff to help prevent atrophy while they are in bed. A person can work for months on muscle strength and lose it in 2-3 days in bed.
We have, however, NOT found this to be a sign of a true decline, and it can be reversed in a few weeks. Hope that is true for your Dad with the more complex situation.
Is he on blood thinners for his afib?
Dad is getting a chest tube inserted now so that they can try to get rid of the infection he has. They said it’s that or just comfort measures. He said he wants chest tube, so he’s getting chest tube, tho it will be painful.
I"m looking on advice for a recliner chair. I’m not sure if I should post on this thread or start a new thread.
My elderly father would like a recliner chair with heat. Does any one have advice for us. We haven’t gone furniture shopping in ages and we’ve never purchased a chair like this so I’m not sure if there are features I should insist on. Has anyone bought one that turned out to be a real dud - tell me. so I can avoid making the same mistake!
Thanks in advance