@momofsenior1 I feel for you. My MIL was that way, she insisted in staying in her 4 bedroom Colonial with full staircase, even though she had had partial foot amputations and COPD. We finally accepted that it was her life to live, and although we knew there was a chance she could fall down the steps and lie there for days, that was her choice to make. (She was mentally all there)
Ultimately she got sick and was in and out of hospitals before she died, so we didn’t have to face that situation. It is hard but it is their life.
It is their life, but decisions like that often effect other people. Unnecessary worry, added expense possibly, trips to deal with crises. The more flexible our parents are (and me down the line) toward the end, the better. Sometimes that means moving close to family willing to help, whether you want to move or not. Luckily, there is still family nearby to your family so they can stay in their area. But I know it is still hard.
Anyone else dealing with hearing issues with a parent w/dementia in assisted living not allowing visitors?!
“Mom, you need to change the hearing aid battery.”
“What?”
"The hearing aid battery? "
“What about my mattress?”
“Hearing aid battery?”
“What about my hearing?”
“The…hearing…aid…batt…er…y”
“The what?”
“Hear…ing…aid…batt…er…y” (yelling louder)
“Oh! Can you come up and fix it” (I haven’t been in her room for a month or more)
“I can’t visit right now”
“What?”
I ordered 120 new batteries because she changes them all the time, and forgets that she just did it. Usually I don’t leave them with her. Hoping 120 lasts a week at least! Trying to get a nurse up there to help her.
OMG, yes @compmom! My mother has both dementia AND hearing aids. That conversation is very familiar.
One thing that made a big difference was that about a year ago she got new hearing aids with rechargeable batteries. We haven’t had to mess with those teeny little hearing aid batteries at all and it’s been a game changer. As long as she remembers to put them in the charger at night . . . . . .
Yes, rechargeable batteries make hearing aids ever so much easier to manage, as long as the aids are charged every night. We have had the batteries that mom could never change and so she and dad figured the aids were just no help.
It only is an effective option if someone will be sure the hearing aid is put into the charger every night. The other big problem is being sure the hearing aid is turned ON every morning when it is put in! My folks would never remember to turn them on and would insist they automatically turned on when you put them in your ear (nope).
We could never remotely assist my folks much. They just could never remember anything we said and would keep calling back to try to remember and understand. It has been a process and a challenge. About a decade ago, when they were 85 and 80, we could remotely assist a bit more. At 95 and 90, really, not so much.
Sorry, I was unclear @HiMom. By “remote” I mean by hiring private nurses and making more requests of assisted living staff to do things I normally do. I am not allowed into the facility. This includes training private nurses on the idiosyncracies of a colostomy with huge hernia, ordering supplies, providing typed instructions etc.
Another example: my mother is having nosebleeds, and I don’t want her to go to the ER. I am not physically present but talk to her and the AL nurses, and the private nurse. I called the Coumadin Clinic and pushed them to reduce dose. I contacted MD for advice. I call every shift at the AL to tell them that there is a mesh clotting product in her apartment and a gel pack in the fridge. They do not pass this on to the next shift. There are many examples like this. Normally I am present and evaluate and treat myself.
Hearing aids is another. Had to call the building manager because the private nurse said there was food all over the floor. Also, with meals served in the room, my mother is saving food in the fridge for weeks, so I got them to go in and throw it out. Laundry seemed perilous because my mother doesn’t understand what is going on and going to the laundry room means touching surfaces. So got the AL to do her laundry. I have even had to call the front desk for towels when she runs out.
I think when my parent(s) move to a facility, we will have them pay someone from the facility to come in for an hour or so, morning and evening, to evaluate how they’re doing and what needs to be done. I’m hoping it will be a limited number of employees who will get to know them and do a good job. I could be dreaming, we’ll see.
@MaineLonghorn That has not been our experience, and our experience is confirmed by many professionals and other families in other facilities. You can hire someone privately. Or if a parent is on hospice, often an aide will be covered.
@Compmom, I just follow along on this thread. Fortunately my 89 y/o mom is still ok in her >55 community, and I will miss seeing her on Mother’s Day. I’m so astounded by the lack of care your mom receives in return for what is probably a big monthly fee. Just mind blowing and so stressful for you. I’m sorry for the angst
My mom’s CCRC had a “family parade” today - families decorated their cars and drove by slowly and waved. It was a beautiful day, so many of the residents were able to sit out on the sidewalk, appropriately masked and distanced. Really a great idea, I commend the facility for organizing it.
The sister who lives closest was the designated parader, and she brought a goody bag filled with my mom’s favorite take-out foods and snacks that she passed through the gate to be delivered to her apartment.
Can’t wait to see her in person, but this was nice.
Sorry to post so much guys. I thought others were maybe having similar experiences. I don’t really need to vent. It seems as if it isn’t that helpful for anyone else!
@compmom I think the many varied experiences are good to hear; if nothing else, your experience will prompt those seeking AL to ask more questions and ask things they might never have thought about previously.
My folks were storing excess food they hadn’t eaten in their fridge too and family members regularly had to dispose.
We had hired a CNA come to administer my dad’s meds every morning and be sure both folks showered. She would sometimes not show up with NO notice to us at all. A family member would visit later in the day and notice no one had signed the notebook for the day so we’d contact the CCRC to complain and they’d invariably tell us how hard it was for them to get and retain good help.
They banned visitors at my mom’s place from 3/14, so we removed her from the facility 3/13. We don’t think she’d have any idea why we went from seeing her daily to her not seeing anyone.
@compmom, sorry you have to do so much for your mom on top of paying a hefty fee. It doesn’t sound like she receives much care at all there—thank goodness she has your doting care, even tho it it is remote.
@compmom , I find your posts helpful. I did colostomy care for my daughter for 3 months and understand the difficulty. It’s helpful to hear others’ experiences
Hi everyone, I’m catching up on many posts. I’m sorry for your loss @somemom I haven’t had a funeral for my mom and I can’t blame Covid. Quite honestly, I’m not sure how dad is doing as I haven’t seen him for a month. I know it’s no loss for him as he doesn’t know who I am, but it is for me.
@kjofkw my dad lives in a group home with up to 6 residents. It is ideal and I am so fortunate he is there. It’s a mile from my house and neighbors are mixed. Unfortunately, one next door neighbor has been a problem and is a real jerk. I wouldn’t mind one next door as I know someone is always around.