@compmom post ALL the things ALL you want! Even if we are not responding, A) there are people benefiting from knowing about the things you are going through B) it helps to just organize your thoughts enough to post and C) maybe someone WILL have an idea that helps you. I know all the things A-C were true for me, plus I got a lot of help just reading what others were doing while Mom was going through the stages.
@GTalum and @kjofkw My dad’s second wife fell into dementia but was still strong and connected and “seemed” fine. She got paranoid and blamed Dad for lots of untrue things. Her daughter finally got her into assisted living and she went through three different places (best, next best, dump) on her insistence that she wasn’t happy where she was but she was “afraid to go home” to have Dad care for her. I think the daughter and she were working on a divorce from Dad, although no lawyer could listen to her very long and believe her stories which devolved into alien probes after a while. She could fake it 30 minutes though… anyway my point was that when she FINALLY ended up at a resident home with only 3 other clients, she was able to settle down and be well cared for. It was ideal for her. She was a bit of a hermit actually. For my mom, who was social to the end, even when she couldn’t speak, the “bustle” of MC with more people around was good for her. So I am not sure one size fits all. But I do think a resident care can be more calm and more contiguous with the care. MC seemed to have a complete change of staff every two months!
My mother’s assisted living has put an end to driveway visits, reasonably, since I saw a family visiting and sitting on a bench close to a resident. We can now schedule 20 minute “window visits” in the back of the building.
My mother is 93. If this goes on for any period of time, I am starting to realize I may never be able to hang out with her again. She may die before this is over.
I called real estate agents about renting a place with her. Then the senior care social worker, doctor, brothers, and my kids all gave so many reasons not to. Vacillating every day on this, as are some other families.
@compmom, this is so, so, so tough! My mom is 90. We were told no visitors and chose to take her out of her CCRC, but it is a juggling act having each of us in our 7 person family spend some time with mom to give sister (whose house she’s living at) respite while we each spend time with her.
We feel very fortunate that there are so many of us so we can share the privilege and burden — as you’re aware caring for beloved elderly is challenging.
Sorry for what you are going through with your mom, @compmom. It’s hard knowing I can’t fly to Texas to see my dad. He’s doing well but the doctors and nurses have made it clear he could go at any moment.
@compmom , You are such a better daughter than me. My Mom is fairly healthy but has dementia and is in a nursing home because my sister was unable to care for her any longer even with daily aids. I love my mother but know neither of us would be happy with her here, even if we could make it work. We don’t have a first floor bedroom. Please stop beating yourself up. You are doing a wonderful job.
Yes, you’re very in step with her needs, compmom. But you are beating yourself up for miracles you can’t accomplish. I worry for you, if something happens. You can try now to lessen some of the guilt you seem to feel. It may mean counseling. But you can only bear so much.
Some of this is, to use one of my phrases, “beyond your control.” xx
I agree @compmom. You have been an amazing champion for your mom. We all need serenity at this time to accept the things we cannot change and live as comfortably as we can with them. The choices we have for our frail elderly are really limited and mostly unattractive, sadly. Perhaps our society may start thinking of more and better options (we can dream anyway).
Everyone, please take care of yourselves! If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t really take care of others.
The staff at my Dad’s facility were tested last week. All negative. Next week they are testing the residents. I had to sign a consent for my Dad. I wished them good luck. He screams bloody murder every time they shower him or even try to change his clothes.
@compmom, Dad’s doing great now. Unbelievably so. But he still has severe AFib and serious lung issues. Plus his chest wound is seeping so it probably means the yeast infection is still active. I think his will to live and thrive is about the strongest I’ve ever seen. He will not take “no” for an answer! So who knows, he could last many years, but that’s not what the doctors are saying, even now.
I wonder what my dad will be like when I can see him. It’s not hard for my dad, as he doesn’t know me anyway. But it’s hard for me not to see him. But, I do know there is no way I could manage him. I doubt he would do well with a Covid test. They aren’t easy.
@MomofJandL our AL had 9 residents, 6 staff positive and 4 deaths. But it is down to zero and has been for more than two weeks. So it is apparently possibly to protect the majority even with that kind of virus intrusion. Do your parents have caregivers inside the CCRC? Dedicating staff to smaller areas of a facility seems to be a big factor.
There has still been no testing of staff or residents proactively, despite the state offering testing by the National Guard on site. I guess the thinking is that it would only be a baseline, and testing logically would have to happen daily. (I think the case of the VP’s press secretary is going to be used as an example of that.)
Since asymptomatic people are contagious, I did not think protocols depending on daily temps and isolation of those symptomatic enough to get tested would work but it has.
All but one of the positive residents were in the top floor memory care where residents are not able to stay in their rooms and still mix and eat together.
I hope your mom’s CCRC can contain this with one case that is not clinical, which means less contact with residents, I hope. The first case in a facility is scary!
As for resisting the test- it happens fast!! I had one last week. Whoaa, they go way up the nose. But I didn’t have a chance to react so @GTalum maybe it will be fine.
The CCRC is trying to identify people the infected person may have interacted with. Meanwhile, the Independent Living residents have a new topic to gossip about, so there’s that.
I have been so busy IRL I have not had much time to be on CC The MC has called me a couple of times because mom and dad are arguing so much. It’s mostly that mom is bouncing around in time and place so much that she is constantly asking dad questions that he cannot answer. Plus both of their hearing is poor so they start to yell at each other. It is so sad because for the first 50 years of their marriage they never yelled. Had quiet disagreement discussions, but basically were pretty content and happy with each other’s company all the time. And now this.
I got the hearing aid provider to agree to go out and fit mom for in ear hearing aides. Yet another $4000 but if it improves their quality of life, it is worth it. Plus he will put new batteries in dad;s hearing aids and teach the staff how to care for them. I hope this helps.
They bought flowers for every female resident and will have a special meal on Mothers Day. I will stop by their window to say Hello. Strange times.
@surfcity, I’m so sorry about your parents. It was hard for me when I saw my parents distancing themselves from each other while I was there. I think Mom was preparing herself for Dad’s death, but it was hard.
Overall, though, Dad has gotten a lot less snappy with Mom the last year or so. I think his vulnerability makes him realize he won’t be around forever and he should appreciate what he has.
@GTalum I understand the FDA has recently approved a saliva-based COVID test that one can have sent out with a doctor’s note and take care of at home. Maybe that would be easier on your dad?
Nice that your family is all pitching in. I am glad for you that you got your mom out in time!