Parents, I Need Some Advice Please (LONG)

Parents Forum
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<p>"You live at home for a benefit. And you arent paying rent. You are old enough to move out. Otherwise you are stuck with their rules. As "unfair" as those who suggest it is, I think its sort of part of the bargain for living rent free. Use the money you saved and move out if its truly worth it to you."</p>

<p>I agree. You are grown up, and it's time to leave. Sure, IMO, your parents are overprotective, but the bottom line is, you live in their house, and their house, their rules. Don't like it? I don't blame you for disagreeing with their rules. Move out, and finally take real charge of your own life.</p>

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<p>ID: I don't believe there are "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" about a 23 year old living at home. In today's world, it's often a necessity,at least temporarily. My D would love to move out, and will when she's saved up enough--lots of postcollege jobs don't pay that much. Meanwhile, that doesn't give me license to treat her like a child.</p>

<p>Soozie: First of all, my D doesn't live under MY roof. She lives under OUR roof. Again, to mete out bedspace to her in exchange for controlling her life would be a very sad way to look at this, for us. Secondly, I don't buy your boyfriend in the house analogy. She's not conducting this situation "in the house". If parents want to have a general "no unmarried sex in this house rule" that would be different, and not controlling.</p>

<p>Texas: worrying about the people we love is always tough. As I've mentioned, we ask my D to let us know when she's not coming home. Information is different from rules. You may worry about your H's safety more, but I bet you don't make rules for him.</p>

<p>As I have mentioned briefly, last month we lost my husband's much loved and vibrant 43 year old sister in a stupid car accident which she was helpless to save herself from (charges pending on other driver.) I would love to wrap up every member of my family in cotton wool, and never let one of them out of the house--but that's not living.</p>

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<p>As much as we parents hate it, it is your life and you need to live it and suffer any consequences that may befall you as a result of risk-taking behavior. HEY! getting up every morning and going to work in NYC is risk-taking behavior! I say.....go for it!</p>

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<p>Garland - so sorry to hear of the loss of you S-I-L - such a loss seems even more difficult at this time of year...</p>

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<p>I read that after 2 AM 50% of drivers are drunk. A relative of mine is a surgeon and that is what the prevailing opinion is among doctors who routinely treat accident victims.</p>

<p>I think you should just stay overnight there after the game. You've saved a lot of money by living at home all these years--go ahead and spend a little of it to keep the peace with your parents over this issue. Make a hotel/motel reservation near the game and then you can just come home the next morning.Yes, they are being overprotective, but this is the structure you are in right now, so work within your parameters for a solution. </p>

<p>You only have a short time till you are done with graduate school, so try to stay on good terms with your parents until you move out. It will be worth it in the long run not to have a big blowup with them and then have to repair the damage to your relationship later. </p>

<p>Another thought...if you are female and your friend you're attending the game with is male (or the other way around), then this won't work, I guess.</p>

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<p>The OP was talking about parental reaction to a specific proposed outing, but never says that they "forbade" the trip or that it was "against the rules" of the house. I did not read it as parents putting their foot (feet?) down in an authoritarian "I am the parent and you must obey" way. I can imagine a similar discussion btwn spouses, with attempts to persuade with worst-case scenarios, if one of them proposed a trip or activity that the other one genuinely believed would be dangerous or fool-hardy. The OP sounds like a great kid and responsible young adult. Hopefully some compromise (like the hotel idea) can be reached.</p>

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<p>Hotel sounds good to me. Reading Garland's experience reiterates caution about taking needless chances.
Last night S invited to party at a college friend's house. It was a distance away, in an area he doesn't know, and he hasn't driven for months. He had no one to go with him. We compromised and drove together. It was 3hours out of my evening, but well worth the peace of mind.</p>

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<p>I understand the realities of the "cans" and "can'ts". But, those don't change the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts"!</p>

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<p>TheDad, I agree with Garland as well that if it were my 23 year old, I'd let him/her do it and realize she/he was an adult. The point is, these particular parents are not doing that and for whatever reason, are handling the 23 year old as a 17 year old and being over protective. But even if we, as parents, disagree with what those parents are choosing to do, the only solution is for this young adult to work out guidelines of how things should go with his/her being an adult now and what issues need to be worked out. But in the end, the kid lives at home and if the parents have rules for those residing in their home, like it or not, he/she has to either work it out or go along because he/she does not live on his/her own. As mentioned, a young adult might want to have a boy/girlfriend sleep over in his/her room. Some parents would be fine with this and some would not. We could argue if we agreed or not with the parents who were not fine with such an arrangement. And the young adult would have to work out some kind of understanding with the parents as to how much control they had over the young adult. But when push comes to shove, the young adult lives in the parents house and if certain things make them uncomfortable such as coed sleeping arrangements or late nights where the kid comes in at 3 AM causing the parent to stay up, it remains their perogative to set up what they want, even if unreasonable to other observers. The answer is, if compromise or reasonable guidelines for having a young adult in the house (as oppose to being parented as if she/he were still 17) cannot be worked out, then the young adult needs to be living on her/his own so that he/she CAN be making decisions of this nature for him/herself. Ideally if a kid this old lives at home, the parents start to let go and let the kid come and go as an adult. But it is not unheard of that a young adult living at home might have to abide by certain guidelines in that home that are more restrictive than a young adult who is independent on his/her own. While this particular kid makes some reasonable arguments and while I certainly would let a 23 year old do what he/she wants to do, THOSE parents don't want to and he/she lives with them. I say work it out and if these issues cannot be worked out to let the kid have more adult independence, time for this young adult to be TRULY independent and live on his/her own. I never would have wanted to live at home at that age for this very reason. </p>

<p>I say all this as a parent who is allowing her 18 year old daughter drive to Alaska this summer from Vermont if she wants (with a friend). That doesn't mean these other folks have to think like me. </p>

<p>If a young adult lives at home, part of that deal is going by the rules of that home. The rules might be unreasonable and babyish but them's the rules. Otherwise, time to live on one's own. </p>

<p>Garland, I agree that just cause your young adult lives at home, that does not mean you should treat her like a child. I agree with choices you are making. But if some OTHER parent is the sort who is still holding the apron strings with a young adult in the house, and if that is not conducive to that young adult becoming more independent, then time for THAT young adult to create a situation where she/he can have that independence he/she craves....by moving out. </p>

<p>I think the OP should try to work out a solution that works for both of them....such as the hotel room. It doesn't matter if we don't agree with the parents. It doesn't matter if lots of us think they should not control a young adult this much. This kid's situation is different, so he/she has to work it out somehow. And if these situations become untenable, he/she needs to live on his/her own and create a more independent situation that he/she deserves (and likely NEEDS). </p>

<p>NJres....While I did assume the OP was female, it is NOT because I think parents would be stricter with a girl on this issue. That never crossed my mind. I have looked back over the post and I am not sure why I first thought it was a girl but maybe it was the style of writing. I have no idea why it sounded that way to me. He/she mentioned the friend he/she was going with was a male and I don't know why my mind jumped to that person perhaps as a male friend of a female poster. But let me assure you any response I have written would not change whether the poster was male or female. I now realize, as well, that this poster could be male. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>When my oldest child was in High school he had to fly 3000 miles to get to a college audition. At 17, he stayed for a week in a large city with a young couple we had never met. At 18 he flew to Tokyo to perform and again stayed with people we didn't know. I trust him completely. When at 20 it became convienent for him to stay at home while attending a nearby school, I told him what the rules were going to be to protect my sanity and his freedom. I also explained to him that I would help him find his own apartment as soon as he felt a need to stay out late or to bring friends home. He saved enough money in a short time to get into a nice house with reasonably sane fellow students.</p>

<p>I believe you should be trusted to travel, but recognize your parents right to have rules in their own home. If you can't accept their rules you should make plans to move out. It is tough, but if your parents will go along with you renting a motel (maybe they would pay for it) then that would be a reasonable option. It is time for you to get a cell phone.</p>

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<p>I do feel the parents are overprotective, but since it is their house, it is their rules. We run into this problem alot with our children. We have so many people in our house during the holidays and they go so many directions that we feel we need some rules. My H does not sleep well. Yes, it is his problem. But he is also the breadwinner of this family, and a lot hinges on his sleep. If kids are coming in at all hours at all times, he gets no sleep and it can be a problem. </p>

<p>I have friends in Ohio that always urge me to stay with them when I visit my D. They live near the college where she goes, and have a lovely house, and I really enjoy being with them. But they are a bit possesive about my time there, and I can tell that I have to tread more carefully than I like when I take them up on their hospitality. So I stay at a hotel or with D, and maybe catch them for a dinner or lunch visit. It is their home. And though I am an adult, I am very much aware that my "rights" and responsibilities as a guest may not match. </p>

<p>You have lived with your parents for an awfully long time without doing something like this before. It is obviously a foreign idea to them. You may want to explain to them that you will be doing things like this on occaision and if it is too much trouble you are going to seriously look to move out. Then they will worry all of the time since they will not know what you are doing most of the time. So there is the option of the occaisional worry when you go out like this--very occaisional, or the constant worry. Then you have to make the big decision of finding a room or place and taking that responsibility in order to have the freedom you want.</p>

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<p>Are you still with us, Fifth Year Student? Sounds like the opinions run the gamut here. </p>

<p>If you were my kid---excuse me---"young adult", I would indeed be somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of you driving back from a distant city at 2 or 3 in the a.m., however, at 23, you hardly qualify as a child anymore, and I wouldn't feel justified in treating you as one. Be that as it may, parents will ALWAYS worry about their children, whatever their age, so maybe you can come up with a way to keep them informed as to your safety and whereabouts as you travel back home. Perhaps you and your parents can reach an agreement that will allow you your freedom and allow them peace of mind.</p>

<p>You could do a check of your car's maintenance before getting on the road, tires, tire pressure, oil, belts and hoses, outfit it with emergency safety equipment, such as flares, jack, adequate spare tire, blankets, and emergency food stuffs, etc. NJres's suggestion of AAA coverage is a great one. Make sure mom and dad know that these steps have been taken.</p>

<p>Make sure you have a fully charged cell phone on you at all times. Call them as soon as you get on the road to head home. Perhaps, agree upon regular intervals of time, whereby you will call them along the way, so that they will know you're ok.<br>
The hotel/motel suggestion made by others here is also a good option, I think.</p>

<p>Surely there's some way in which this situation can be worked out between you and your parents. Good luck---and let us know how things go.</p>

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<p>if you're paying a third of the household expenses (assuming there are 3 people living in the house), then the "you're under our roof" argument doesn't really apply to you. if you're not, are you actually willing to go through all this trouble just to go to a basketball game? is this game so meaningful that you're willing to sacrifice your life and your parents' sanity for it? if your parents wanted you to move out and you didn't but you still refuse to pay your share of expenses, i think they should have a say in what time you can come home.</p>

<p>also, do you come from a culture that encourages children to stay at home for as long as possible? did your parents want you to stay or did you simply not have an option to move out because of financial circumstances?</p>

<p>in any case, best of luck</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone who replied. To clear up some confusion, I am male.</p>

<p>For everyone who suggested getting a hotel room: I would if I could. But, unfortunately, the guy going with me has class earlier than I do, so we would barely get checked in before we had to leave. </p>

<p>This didn't come up the past few days. I didn't bring it up because I wanted us to have a good Christmas. And, we did: We had a very nice holiday. Tonight, I waited till my parents were in a good mood and weren't busy, and I asked if we could talk about this some. Well, it could not have gone any worse. It started out with them once again giving me the list of reasons why I shouldn't go, and they just kept going over and over them. I kept saying that I understood that but I did not think that it was an unreasonable risk. After about 30 minutes, my mom goes, "Are you going or not?" I said, "Yes, I think I am going." </p>

<p>They blew up. They said they could not believe that after everything that they had told me that I would still want to go. They said that they would never consider doing such a thing, and that if I asked a roomful of 100 people over 30 that they would all say it was a stupid idea. They said that I was completely disrespecting them by going against their wishes and leaving them up worrying all night all for the sake of a two hour ball game. I mentioned that lots of other people I know have done similar things, and they've been fine. And, I doubt their parents are up all night worrying about them. Their response was that their parents don't care about them and that they care about me. They asked me if I wanted to come from a family where the parents didn't care about them. I told them no but that I wanted a happy medium: for them to care about me and worry to a certain extent but not to the point to where they're controlling me. My mom said that for a happy medium, I had to give something: A happy medium means you give a little, take a little. She asked what I was giving. I couldn't think of an answer, and she says you're disrespecting our wishes and leaving us up worrying all night, so where's the happy medium?</p>

<p>They said that my priorities were way out of line: that I had let my desire to go to this game get in the way of the respect I should be showing them. They said that I was acting completely immature and that they had obviously failed as parents.</p>

<p>After they realized that I was still planning on going, they reminded me that my car was in their name (When I turned 16, I made the down payment with some money that my grandmother had left in her will to me when she died, and they assumed the mortgage, which was paid off several years ago). So, therefore, they still had say-so over the car, and that the car was not going to this ball game. They said that they hoped they wouldn't have to do that but that they had no choice because I was being completely immature. And, we've always had the understanding that the car was mine and that I could use it as long as it will last me even after I moved out (It is 7 years old but has only 50,000 miles on it).</p>

<p>I never lost my cool, and I tried to tell them that I thought they were worrying way too much, and they didn't want to hear it. I know that some of my friends out there have worked hard and have paid for their own car, but most of them haven't. Most of them like me are bleseed enough to have parents who have been good about helping them get a car. And, I know that they're doing things like this regularly. I mentioned that, and they said that just because everyone else is doing it doesn't make it right. They said that their parents just didn't care about them like they care about me. </p>

<p>I am totally flabergatsed, and I don't know what to do. This has been weighing on my mind ever since last Wednesday night when it first blew up, and I was so hoping that tonight, I could lift the burden. In the first place, I'm gonna have to lie to my friend about why I can't go to the game because I sure can't tell him that I can't go because my parents won't let me. They told me that I had never given them a reason to do something like this--until now. My dad said that if he sees me about to stick my hand in the fire, he's gonna stop me. </p>

<p>I don't know what to say. While I am totally grateful to them for helping me get the car, I just don't think me wanting to go on this trip is serious enough for them to step in and tell me that I can't take the car. I've heard stories about people going out all the time or going out of town for several days and turning their phone off without telling their parents. Their parents try to call and can't get them, worrying their parents sick. I have never approved of such a thing, and I would never do it. But, I can now understand why they have.</p>

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<p>Uhh, now we've moved the bar a little. What was over-protective parenting(perfectly O.K. with me) has moved to just plain wacky.Time to leave, hoss. Saddle up the palomino. Take your car away? What's next-"grounded"? Do what everybody else does at times like these. Rent a closet in a friend's dive near campus and exist off 7-11 "Hot to Go's". You'll survive the heartburn far easier than the castration. JMO.</p>

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<p>Well interestingly enough, I presented this scenario to my husband ... he agrees with the OP's parents...I don't ...but my husband's opinion is that it is an issue of respect for the OP's parents wishes...but then my husband has always been the more protective one of us...I think the OP's parents are way over-reacting and beyond overprotective...but I have no suggestions as to how to change their minds...indeed, it appears that there is no way to do that.</p>

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<p>hey. youre 23. stand up...or JUST DO IT ANYWAY...damn...if id listened to my parents all through high school (and now) id be nowhere---i would be a timid person who didnt know how to deal with things on his own...even if you do make a mistake, youll learn from it, like evryone else...mom and dad arent going to hold your hands forever...granted, they have good advice, but they are too OVERPROTECTIVE...youve gotta be your own person...just do it...</p>

<p>P.S. YOU HAVE MISSED OUT ON A LOT BY NOT MOVING OUT!!! get a job and a studio and LEAVE!!!</p>

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<p>That's the point. This seems unreasonable for a 23 year old. We can disagree with their reasoning all we want. The answer is, if they can't work it out (apparently not.....though you would think if he calls on a cell every hour or some such, that should do it), then the answer has to be in order for him to be independent in making these kind of choices, he needs to live on his own where he can come and go as he pleases. </p>

<p>I would have thought before this issue came up, that somehow some guidelines of living as a young adult with parents might be established insofar as it not being like the teenage years and all. But the parents still deal with him as if he is a teen and the real "break" is gonna be when he lives on his own. That is what his situation appears to be so this might be the "signal" he needs to start venturing out to a more independent life that 23 year olds need to lead. In order to do that, it appears he needs to move out of his parents' house. I think this vignette could lead to a discussion of how the reins need some loosening for a young adult that differ than the teen years and if some solution over that general issue cannot be reached, that he is ready to move out on his own. </p>

<p>I never would have wanted to live at home at age 23 and this would be part of the reason why. It is time to be independent of parents. Some might be able to accomplish this under the same roof (Garland's family seems to be able to do this) but for many, it means leaving the nest. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>Fifth year, sounds like you've relinquished A LOT of personal autonomy over the years in order to have the financial cushion your parents have been willing to provide. I think it's interesting that your parents kept the car in their name. Even though they helped you to obtain the car, wasn't it supposed to be YOUR CAR? In my opinion (not that it matters), the car should have been put in YOUR name. And it it should be YOU who is responsible for its up keep, insurance, fuel costs, etc. It should be yours free and clear. Sounds like your parents insistence that it remain in their name may be a control device, which you have been willing to allow them to have in exchange for help with insurance, upkeep cost, etc.</p>

<p>Fifth, it sounds like your childhood has been inordinately prolonged. Are you paying rent, helping out with groceries? Do you have a girlfriend or significant other? What do you do in order to maintain a private adult relationship while you live with mom and dad? See where I'm going with this? </p>

<p>What are you going to do once you finish grad school in a year's time? Find a job locally and continue to live with mommy and daddy? If you do, you know that issues such as this will continue to come up. Is it worth it?</p>

<p>Sounds like you are going to have to ask yourself some important questions in the months to come--- and perhaps, GROW UP!</p>

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<p>FYS, my deep sympathies. The issue is larger than this game. You need to leave home and claim your own life. As the product of abyssmal parenting myself, I thought very hard about issues and philosophy from before my daughter was born. A small part of what I came to is that the whole process should be a process of teaching, counseling, and giving responsibility in an ever increasing increment until the child leaves at 18. Whereupon they have to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their own actions. Most explicitly, one parental commandment at this point is Thou shalt not use thy checkbook as a club. </p>

<p>It sounds as if your parents are more interested in keeping you captive and infantilized than in aiding your growth and development.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>