Parents, I Need Some Advice Please (LONG)

Parents Forum
1

<p>I’ve had a situation come up with my parents that I need some advice.</p>

<p>First, a little background: I am 23 years old, I grauduated this past May magna cum laude, and am in graduate school right now working on a master’s degree. I’ll finish my master’s degree requirements in August. I go to school locally and live at home. I’ve lived at home my whole college career. It has worked out really well for the most part. My parnets for the most part have been really good about letting me be myself. Plus, I get a home cooked meal several nights per week and am able to save a lot of money. </p>

<p>Now, here’s the situation: A friend of mine and I have planned a trip to go see a basketball game on a Wednesday night four hours away. The game will end around 11:00 PM, meaning that we will get home around 3:00 in the morning. Yes, that is a late night, but I don’t have class until 11:00 the next day, so I can get in a good 6-7 hour sleep. The drive is interstate all the way, and I’ve made the drive several times over the past few years. I’m very familiar with the road and the area. </p>

<p>Well, I told my parents about my plans, and they hit the ceiling. They said that I should never be on the road that late. They said that it was the stupidest idea I had ever come up with and that they could not believe that I would plan such a thing. They told me that I had always been responsible and rarely made bad decisions and that they couldn’t believe I wasn’t using better judgement. They said that bad things happen that late. They told me the statistics were out there to prove it and that I would be one if I did stupid things like this. </p>

<p>They brought up every possible scenario that could go wrong: They said that if my car brakes down, nothing will be open for me to stop at. They said that drunks are out at that time of night, and what if one of them hits me? They said that whoever I’m going with will be asleep five minutes after we start down the road. (One thing that I didn’t tell them is that I told him he could sleep and I would drive because he has class earlier than I do the next day). Therefore, I’d have no one to help me watch, and they asked me what I would do if I get tired? First off, my answer was that I would be okay because I routinely stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning either doing homework, watching TV, or reading the Internet (Notice the time of this post). But, that if I did get tired, I would stop, walk around a little while and get myself woke up, get a soft drink, and refresh myself. They said, “Where are you gonna stop? At that time of night, you’ll run into drug dealers and gangs if you stop!” They told me that I don’t see any danger in anything and that if I didn’t start seeing danger in the world, I was gonna one day get into trouble.</p>

<p>After listening to them tell me about how stupid this was, I politely told them that I was sorry but that this was my last year as a student and that I wanted to enjoy it. I said, “Come August, I’m gonna have a job that requires me to be up at 6 in the morning and work till 5:00. I won’t be able to do things like this then, and I want to enjoy these last months as a student as best I can.” My mother said that it may be my last day on Earth if I stay out that late. Then, my mother pointed out that the day of the game is gonna be her busiest day at work (And, it will be). She screamed at me saying, “How am I suppose to sleep that night when all I’ll be thinking about is you being out all hours of the night?” My dad chimed in and said, “What you’re doing is affecting us.” They went to bed but said that we were going to discuss this some more. They told me that I need to seriously rethink this and make a logical decision.</p>

<p>Well, I am not going to let them decide for me. I will ultimately make the decision, and right now, I am still thinking that I’m gonna go. But, as my parents asked, I have began to rethink it. Here’s what I’m thinking:</p>

<li><p>If my car breaks down, I have a jumper in my car. That should at least get me to a hotel, and I can get it fixed the next day. We would miss class the next day, which would not be good, but it’s early in the semester and wouldn’t be detriminal. And, the odds of that happening are very rare. I have a good car that’s broken down on me only once in the last year, and it was the battery.</p></li>
<li><p>Being out on the road that late is more dangerous than other times of the day. But, still I don’t think I’m taking a huge risk. As I said, it’s a place I’ve been to several times. It’s interstate all the way, so we won’t be stopping to give someone a chance to do something. If someone is going to shoot us, they’ll have to randomly pick us out going 70 MPH down the interstate. Odds of that happening don’t seem too high to me. </p></li>
<li><p>Yes, there are more drunks on the road at that hour than other hours. But, it’s a Wednesday night, not a Friday or a Saturday night, so there shouldn’t be that many. I don’t think the odds are that high of one happening to find me. </p></li>
<li><p>Coming back, it shouldn’t be hard for me to stay awake. I don’t have class the day of the game. So, I can sleep late. I’ll be well rested the day of the game. Plus, as I said, I usually stay up till 2 or 3 anyway. For at least the first hour, I’ll be fired up from the game. And, if I get too tired, I can stop (I think that in spite of what they said, there are safe places where I can stop such as big, well-lit gas stations) and refresh myself or turn on some loud music (This may not let my friend sleep, but he can get over it!).</p></li>
<li><p>Many of my friends stay out this late regularly, and I know of several occasions where one of my friends has gotten back in from out of town at a very late hour. I have never done this simply because I have never had a desire to. But, I do have a desire to go to this basketball game. I don’t know if they’ve had similar problems with their parents, but I know that they’ve always gotten back safely.</p></li>
<li><p>I really regret that this comes on my mom’s busiest work day. And, I know that the only reason she will be so worried is because she cares about me so much. But, having said that, it seems to me that if she can’t sleep because I’m out late, that is her problem, not my problem.</p></li>
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<p>I have very rarely given my parents any problems. Throughout my grade school and high school days, I never got a detention. My mother has told me on several occasions that I am a parent’s dream. Many times, they will come home from work talking about problems that a coworker’s kid has gotten into and how proud they are of me. And, now they act like because of this trip, I am a terrible kid. </p>

<p>I truly love my parents. They have been great to me all my life. I have a great relationship with them. And, several of my friends do too. In fact, my mom works on campus, and one of my friends goes by her office to visit with her about once per week. He told me that he likes to go see her just to talk. And, here it is two days before Christmas, and they are about as mad at me as they’ve ever been. </p>

<p>I know I’ve rambled forever, and I apologize. I’m gonna cut to the chase here. What would you think about this if I were your son? Would your reaction be the same or different as my parents’ reaction? And, second, what do you think that I should do to get my parents to be “not mad” at me, especially at Christmas? I could break down and not go, but I don’t think that I should have to. How can I tell them that in spite of the fact that I will be out very late, I still want to go?</p>

<p>I apologize for the length of this, and I thank you in advance for your help.</p>

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<p>I don't think you are going to like my answer but since you asked....</p>

<p>Yes, all the reasons you gave sound very reasonable that you should be able to go out super late, drive, whatever. And being 23, you are an adult and should be able to make these kinds of decisions without consulting your parents or being told what to do. </p>

<p>HOWEVER.....since you live at home at age 23, and even though you are an adult, you live under their roof and so even though it is very hard to understand their line of reasoning here (and you do sound like a GOOD kid), you still have to abide by some rules of theirs that affect their life with you living there....for instance, your mom will worry until you arrive home safely. But if you lived in an apt. on your own or at college, you would be making such decisions and your parents might not be privy to these sorts of decisions and even if they were, the issues are different because you are not living in the house where they would be as affected by your comings and goings. </p>

<p>I think overall that teens/young adults should respect their parents and follow their guidelines but I also think that when you live on your own (which you are yet to do), then there is a shift....there might be some "big" things the kid still has to abide by but otherwise, the kid is freer to come and go as she likes without consulting mom and dad on every little decision or move they make. You don't quite have the luxury of that as you still live at home. </p>

<p>While I may THINK your parents would allow you to make your own decisions as you are an adult and in grad school, they hold the reins a little more than parents of 23 year olds who live on their own. You still live with them and while it does seem like they are trying to parent you in the way you may have been at age 17, they do have some authority here as long as you live at home. You gotta go by their rules when you come and go. </p>

<p>I say, if you can save up, time to start living on your own.....that would solve a scenario such as this one. </p>

<p>As an aside, something came up tonight at my house which is way more minor but makes this point somewhat....My 18 year old freshman D is home from college on break. She is a highly responsible kid. She drove independently her last two years of high school and though I worried like any parent would, she was SO responsible in calling when she arrived at her destination so we knew she made it and called as she left to come home so we knew how to gauge when to expect her, all to ease our worries. She was always SO good about doing this. Now, of course, for four months she has been on her own at school and of course does not call me every time she makes a move or goes out or comes back. Ok, so now she is home and tonight she traveled 30 miles to see a movie and meet up with some high school friends she has not seen. We live in the country I should add....dark two lane country roads....calling for mixed precipitation, hilly, not an easy drive. She promised to call when she arrived at that destination and when leaving to come home. When the time came that we knew the movie was to begin, there was NO call. This was SO NOT like her to forget. Normally, knowing how good she is about calling, it would then make me fret as a sign something was wrong. But I did not get as nervous as I thought I would because I reasoned to myself....after a half hour longer....if there was an accident she would have called or someone else would have...and moreover, she was about to meet up there with all these kids she has not seen and there was likely a lot of hugging hoopla and she may have forgotten to call. Also her cell might not have been in range (very common in mountainous areas like we live in) though of course there are public phones.....Two hours later she called when she was about to leave to come back and realized she had forgotten to call when she had arrived and she apologized and said, "I was not used to doing this anymore and it has been a while" and that was precisely what I was thinking...she was out of the swing of this kind of "apron string" where she had to keep us from worrying when she drove and we were aware of each move she made and this is clearly not the case while she is at school. I totally understood though she does not mind having to do this courtesy when she IS home but had simply forgotten as she was out of synch with that. </p>

<p>So, can you see that even for kids out on their own, the "rules" change a little when under the roof with parents? That is why I think it is time you move out on your own or accept this heavier parenting and rules. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>hmmmmm..... bottom line: You live in their house and you have to abide by their (irrational) rules. Don't like it? move out.</p>

<p>Detailed analysis:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your parents (and you) highly overrate the danger of driving at night. There is much less traffic late at night which far outweighs all the imaginary drunks, drug dealers and child rapers you think only come out on Wednesday nights. Falling asleep is a real and serious problem.</p></li>
<li><p>Jumper cables? So what would you do, flag a random car down at 2 am? Never travel without a cell phone and AAA card. (preferably AAA+ for 100 miles free towing)</p></li>
<li><p>Your entire plan is very low-key compared to what you could or would be doing if you lived on your own or at college. Even HS kids around here seem to routinely go on wilder jaunts. I have been really surprised at some of the after-prom escapades, ie after an evening of party and dancing kids jump into a car and drive 2 hours to a cabin in the mountains. Happens every year :rolleyes:</p></li>
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<p>Look, you're 23. But your still under your parents "supervision". What you do does affect them. </p>

<p>People worry a lot about their kids.</p>

<p>Last year four Yale students were killed on I 95 returning from NYC early one winter morning. A trailer had jacknifed across the road and whatever one of them was driving wasn't able to see it in time. </p>

<p>Last week, near where I live, a student returning from college after an all night 450 mile drive apparently "lost control" of the car and crossed the median strip of a highway not 5 miles short of his final destination. He struck two cars, completely obliterated all of them, and killed a 30 something father of three on his way to work at 6 AM. </p>

<p>Your parents are right about their concerns. Both of the above events were accidents. As parents, we see these things and we know FULL WELL that it could have been our son or daughter involved.</p>

<p>They don't know if you'll drink at the ball game. They don't know if you'll fall asleep on the way home. Usually people don't....sometimes they do. There's also an issue about the weather, in that young adults your age who plan trips like this often go regardless of the weather. Maybe you will too. </p>

<p>I cant' tell you what decision to make, but your parents are not unreasonably outside the boundaries of parental legitimacy. I'd say they are actually well within them. You should note that things like this, small as they are, actually define relationships---or at least the people's reactions to them do, stated more accurately.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you and your parents working out an outcome that you all can be satisfied with without generating permanent resentments. Its not easy.</p>

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<p>I personally think your plan is reasonable, of course I didn't sleep much last night because my 17 year old is stranded in the Cincinnati airport trying to get home from college. Maybe you could spend the night with someone in the town where the game is, or an expensive motel, that would deal with your mom's worry about driving at night. good luck, I hope you and your parents can work something out that feels ok to everyone.</p>

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<p>Get a room.</p>

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<p>I disagree with the posters who say an adult child living at home is still under their parent's supervision. Making rules for an adult is infantalizing. My 22 year old lives at home. We do ask that if she is going to be out all night, to let us know, just so we don't worry that she's not home in the morning. Otherwise, where she goes and when she goes is her business. Yes, parents can turn it into a power issue and throw out a child who won't follow "rules," but what is gained by that? Parents who can't change the rules when their children get older have serious problems.</p>

<p>So, if it was my child (your first question), your plan would be reasonable and fine. AS far as how to deal with your parents, I'd like to say go, and let them get over their anger. In my family, no one would ever let anger spill over into Christmas (I think it would make us physically sick). I can't say it will be okay, in your family, though. If you think it will really be bad, you might decide to take this stand another time--I think you should take it, though.</p>

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<p>I'm with Garland. You're not living in their home loafing. You're there as a student to save money. You should have most of the freedoms you would have had you lived in the dorm. You're 23 for heaven sakes. Mom needs to understand her days of losing sleep because you're not home needs to end. I'm really surprised most of the parents here feel differently, this one is a no brainer to me. See prep school thread for a broader debate on when parents should let go. Most there agree by 18!</p>

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<p>Whoops I meant inexpensive motel, I am tired. BTW I agree with garland, at 23 you should be able to make choices like this even if you are living at home. You are no longer a child and you seem responsible, your parents need to change their level of control.</p>

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<p>Another voice here whose opinion is that it is YOUR decision, not your parents'. Whether you're living at home or not, your parents will worry about you. It's our job as parents to worry, and it never ends, regardless of our children's ages. However, I don't agree that you must listen and abide by every rule at age 23. You are an adult. By your description, you are a good kid and a conscientious student, and obviously a thoughtful person, since you are worried about their reaction. All good things. But you are certainly more than old enough to go on an excursion like this without your parents becoming angry with you. They definitely need to ease the control which they obviously still think they have over you, and perhaps this is a good time to do it. If you're that worried about a four hour drive, then I'd recommend that you and your friend look into an inexpensive motel on the way home. Have fun!</p>

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<p>Other Mini -- I don't think this is a "rights and responsibilities" issue; it is one about simply getting along. I can make plenty of arguments that you are right, or that they are right, but it doesn't change the basic family dynamic that until you get out of the house, your parents are not likely to feel any different about your ability to make choices that, IN THEIR VIEW, affect them. You've TRAINED them that way.</p>

<p>Yes, the parents should let go. And they didn't. Get over it. Get a motel.</p>

<p>And then make plans to move. Soon.</p>

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<p>Thank goodness I'm not the only parent who felt your parents were being a little overprotective. This is a great opportunity for both you and your parents to work out an independence issue that will be even more pressing in a few months. Present a plan to them which includes not drinking at the game, perhaps a phone call during the drive if that makes them feel better. Approach this as an adult issue. Yes it is a little different when you've always lived at home, and you should be respectful of their wishes and concerns, but unless it is their car and insurance, something needs to be worked out.</p>

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<p>I agree - if possible - get a motel room - then get up early and drive back...you sound like a very responsible person and that seems the most reasonable compromise...</p>

<p>an aside, my dad (God rest him) hit the roof one night when I (home on break) wanted to leave for a girlfriend's house at 11 PM to spend the night (this was in a small town...about 20,000 people) - he ranted and raved "no daughter of mine is going to be traipsing all over town at midnight, etc. etc)...since I had to borrow his car, I didn't go....my mom (always the voice of reason) told him later "You need to get over it...she's 300 miles away at college most of the year and you have no idea what she's doing there" - poor Dad! </p>

<p>Anyway, the point is, as many have said, parents worry...you are our children...our babies...no matter how old you are...when you are living at home, they are aware of every move and worry even more....can't be helped</p>

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<p>I know I'm more than a tad on the overprotective side, yet even to my way of thinking your parents shouldn't be having the final say in this. I like the idea of an inexpensive motel room as a short-term solution; I like the idea of moving out soon as a long-term solution.</p>

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<p>Just to clarify....I think like "other Mini" thinks on this. I agree that this student is right and being reasonable. I think the parents are being overprotective. But my opinion that she may be the one in the "right" or the one who by 23, should have independence in these sorts of decisions, doesn't matter as much in this instance. Ideally, they could work it out as the kid sounds like a really good kid and the parents are being overprotective or treating her the same as when she was 17. However, she is not fully independent and her comings and goings affect them as she lives with them. So, as unreasonable as they may seem, and as independent as a 23 year old should be allowed to be and ideally there should be some guidelines to what she can do now that she is an adult and all.....she is still in their home and for whatever reason, this is going to cause a problem for them when she gets in at 3 AM. </p>

<p>An example of this line of reasoning ......say a 23 year old has a boyfriend she sleeps with. And if the 23 year old lives on her own, she is free to sleep with whom she wants. But at her parents house, they feel strongly that there should be separate bedrooms when he visits (I have been there done that in college myself with current husband when fiancee). While the parents may be not treating her as an adult, it is their perogative in their house to say what goes. </p>

<p>That is why I think that ideally, this girl should work it out with her parents and also establish some guidelines of being an adult now and how that might change the rules she used to live under. She can only get so far though if they are over protective, while living under their roof. I think the solution for her is to move out on her own due to her parents still wanting to hold tight reins. For the immediate situation, hopefully she can work out a compromise so they do not worry and either get a motel room or some other solution. They are being a bit over the top but also her mom is going to worry so I think as long as she lives there, she has to work through things with them in a way other kids do not have to do who are out on their own.</p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>it isn't entirely a parent-child issue. Spouses can also have strong feelings about the safety or wisdom of each others' plans. I know that I became much more conservative about the risks I wanted my husband to take, as well as the risks I was willing to take, after we became parents. Regardless of whether or not your plan is a reasonable one or whether or not it is your decision to make as a young adult, for the sake of family harmony it would be reasonable to compromise and find a hotel. Consider it good practice for compromises you will make for the sake of the other person's peace of mind after you get married.</p>

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<p>Susan assumes OP is female, perhaps because it is easier to imagine parents being that strict with a daughter rather than a son? I guess I thought OP was male, only because the plan is to go to a basketball game. I also was thinking about "overnight guests" as an example of following your parents rules under their roof. So, does it make a difference if OP is male or female?</p>

<p>(I'm laughing here...) sure, propose staying in a hotel and watch your parents blanche... "Oh no! you can't stay in some old fleebag crackhouse motel! What if someone breaks into your room?? Just get home as quickly as possible after the game!" )</p>

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<p>Rather than write a longer post, just say I'm with NJRes and Garland on this one.</p>

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<p>Short answer:</p>

<p>As an adult, you shouldn't be living with your parents.</p>

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<p>You live at home for a benefit. And you arent paying rent. You are old enough to move out. Otherwise you are stuck with their rules. As "unfair" as those who suggest it is, I think its sort of part of the bargain for living rent free. Use the money you saved and move out if its truly worth it to you.</p>