Parents, I Need Some Advice Please (LONG)

Parents Forum
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<p>Again, thanks to everyone who has responded.</p>

<p>Something that I've thought about a lot during this past week is how different things would be if I had moved into an apartment or dorm when I first started college five years ago. And, I'm not sure how different things would be. I would likely still have the same car (that's in their name), and I would likely still be getting some kind of support from them. I've got a good friend whose grandparents are helping him pay his rent, and he is driving his mom's old car. And, recently, he and I were traveling together, and we stopped to visit his dad when we passed through his hometown. We talked for awhile, and as we got ready to leave, his dad asked him if he needed any money. So, I think it's perfectly normal for parents to still be supporting their kids during college until they get out and get a job. And, I think that I probably would be in a similar situation until August. </p>

<p>The only way that I can figure how things would be different would be that I could make this trip without telling them. But, I would not feel right doing that. I think that I have a responsibility to let people who are a major part of my life know when I'm gonna be out of town. For you parents, I know most of you are probably at least in your 40's. Even at that age, would you go out of town without letting people who are a major part of your life know about it?</p>

<p>So, thus, if I didn't live at home, I still think I'd be right in the same predicament-unless I decided to play hardball.</p>

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<p>Fifth year student....
There are different issues here. Let's not get confused about the monetary support and the parenting/independence issues. Most of us on here, or let me just speak about myself, are paying for our childrens' education and other financial support. In my case, I also have paid for my child to have use of a car. None of that affects the issue of moving toward independence. </p>

<p>Yes, when a child lives under the roof, there must be consideration as to telling your parents your whereabouts so they don't worry. You owe them that and I would expect the same of my children when living at home. When my children are at home, I know where they are every second. They call me when they arrive some place if they drove and when they leave. However, when a child goes away to college, and is NOT living at home, they acquire more independence. So, my child who is a freshman at Brown, does not call me every time she goes here or there and I don't know her exact location. She has a cell phone and keeps in touch every few days. She does not have to ask permission to stay out late, etc. She is not under my roof and is now an adult and must make some of these decisions on her own, even though I do financially support her. When she came home for break, she went back to calling me when she went out with the car to let me know she arrived safely and when she was leaving. She worked the other night at her old job and called me to tell me when she was leaving so I would not worry, even though she does NOT do that when AT college. However, now that she is a more independent adult, I also have to start letting go and letting her do more things because she does live on her own and she is 18. So, for instance, yesterday, I let her take my car the furthest she has ever gone, which was out of state, close to three hours away, with snow on the roads, to go for one month to a training camp with her college team. But out of respect for me, she called to let me know she arrived safely. But this was also more than she was allowed to do in high school in terms of distance. I am even going to let her drive to Alaska this summer if she wants to which is a big deal to me but I know she needs to be allowed to do more on her own as she is now an adult. The money is NOT the issue in terms of cutting the apron springs to independence. All of these things you ease into. My 16 year old was allowed to fly alone before but never where connections were involved but I let her this past week and indeed the worst happened where she was stranded by missed connections in Phila. during what you are now reading on the news and almost had to spend the night and she had to handle a lot on her own. This was a big deal for me but I also realize I have to let her start doing these things as she is going to college in 8 months. </p>

<p>Your parents are not choosing to start letting you do more and more independently. Perhaps one reason is cause you never made that break that many 18 year olds make when they leave home for college which sorta forces parents into letting go whether they like it or not. Your parents still have a situation not that different than high school. Ideally, even though you are living at home, there would have been a shift in parenting and strings....toward more independence. But that has not happened and I think in order for you to achieve this, you need to live on your own or put up with the tight reins. The other option is to sit down and discuss far more than this basketball trip and talk about moving toward some independent decision making. If you can't work that out, you do need to live on your own, even if they are helping you financially. It is the "on your own" part that is of issue here. </p>

<p>Also truth be told, whether I agree with it or not, my D's best friend at home is expected to pay for her own college. She is taking a year off before matriculating at her college and is working. She not only has to save for college, but she is paying rent and food in HER PARENTS home in the meantime. So, realize this is what some do. I know she bought her own car and she has some independence of where she goes and when. </p>

<p>Good luck to you. I admire your respect of your parents and I agree that you should not just go out and not tell where you are. You should find a workable solution such as calling them every hour or whatever would make it better. If that can't be worked out, you need to assess whether you want to put up with apron strings at this age or be more independent. I think you could earn money to pay for housing and maybe your parents continue to pay for tuition and then you would have your independence but also their financial support in areas they already pay for. Just a thought. </p>

<p>Where there is a will, there is a way.</p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>FYS, Soozie has it right. Courtesy is not the same is control. Over Fall Break (aka Columbus Day weekend), my D went to NYC. As a courtesy, she let us know who she was staying with but it wasn't "May I do this?" </p>

<p>She's at home right now for Winter Break and while she's home, household rules of courtesy apply...not the same as controlling a life.</p>

<p>Parents who use their checkbook to control their children often develop other unsavory habits. Do your parents realize that you could get married without their say so? Would they be controlling the things that you and your spouse would do?</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Something that I've thought about a lot during this past week is how different things would be if I had moved into an apartment or dorm when I first started college five years ago. And, I'm not sure how different things would be.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I apologize in advance for bluntness, but a 23 year old man who cannot imagine how his life would be different if he had not been living at home the entire time with parents who appear over-controlling has issues of his own!</p>

<p>My bet is that all the advice that has been given, while useful and well intentioned, is going to be ignored. I see this as (in the over-used phrase) "co-dependency". You have parents who have refused to let their son grow from a boy into adulthood. And you have a guy who up to now has happily acquiesced in this process. Clearly he has inklings that something is wrong, since he admits he will have to lie to his friend about why he can't go. But thats about as far as it seems to go. </p>

<p>Sometimes people don't want to enter adulthood and take on responsibility for their own life. Its scary, things can go wrong, things do go wrong. My intuition tells me this guy is bright and good at academics, and he found a way to keep doing what he's good at thru college and grad school while shirking the rest of the growing-up stage. Telling him to move out on his own, while undoubtedly the right thing to do, is such a big leap from where he's at that its never gonna happen. My guess is the OP hoped for some magic phrase or argument that would convince the parents, but thats all the change he's ready to handle. And my bet is that when he starts that job working those long hours he's going to stay at home, justifying it with a mix of reasons including saving money for his own place and claiming that since he's working so many hours there's no reason to be in his own place since he'd only be sleeping there anyway.</p>

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<p>A few years ago I was disagreeing with my son about an important topic and he said, "Dad you had a choice; you could raise a son who followed directions without question or a son who would make his own decisions. You know what decision you made, now I am going to make a decision." </p>

<p>On the other hand, If I was going to visit my brother and he said, while you are here, I would like you to be in the house by 11 because : we lock our doors, wake up easily and need our sleep, or any other reason....then I would either abide by his request or stay someplace else.</p>

<p>Your parents should be able to establish rules for anyone in their house but they are making a poor decision to say, its my football and if we don't play my way then we don't play at all. It is a shame that some parents can not tell a safety net from a guilded cage. Write how you are feeling down and mail it to your future self....don't be surprised if someday you hear yourself using their same tactic on a spouse, child or friend.... use the letter as an antidote at that point.</p>

<p>Take out a loan, get your own place, and say goodbye to your parents. If you are not willing to do that, you have nothing to negotiate with.</p>

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<p>TheDad,..you made a good point that he could conceivably be married by now and would they still tell him what to do. I think he is intertwining the "they support me financially" with the "what I am allowed to do independently". I do agree with this boy that he must respect house rules and courtesies but he also should be allowed to do some things independently but that is not going to happen as long as he lives with them (though it COULD happen as it does at Garland's house) and so he needs to create a living situation where he is more independent. It's time.</p>

<p>Your post (the Dad) reminds me now that I got married at the young age of 20 and my husband was 22. Obviously I did not live with my parents. However, I was a college student (out of state) and my parents still supported me as a college student even though I married while in college. So, even though they sent me through college and graduate school, they did not treat me like a kid and I was allowed to do what I want. When I visit, of course, I abide by their considerations in their home. When I was engaged, that meant my fiancee could not sleep in my childhood bedroom (though HIS parents allowed us to at their home). That is respect for their rules. But I lived on my own and did not have "rules" to follow. That is the issue this young man needs to see. I am not sure why he thinks it would not have been different had he lived on his own in college! It would be WAY different living in a dorm or apt. than with mom and dad in college. I could not wait to go away to college at his age and once I did leave for college, never wanted to live at home again, and in fact, the summer after freshman year, I chose to go to summer session at my college just to not go backwards living at home again! </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I apologize in advance for bluntness, but a 23 year old man who cannot imagine how his life would be different if he had not been living at home the entire time with parents who appear over-controlling has issues of his own!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I didn't exactly word that very well. Obviously, overall, there would be lots of differences between living at home and living on my own. What I was refering to when I said that was this particular issue. And, I am not sure how different things would be here if I didn't live at home for the reasons that I stated--unless I decided to play hardball and not let them know that I was going. And, as I said, I think that when I go out of town, I have a responsibility to let the people who are important in my life know that I will be going out of town.</p>

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<p>im just curious wt ever happend to this thread, curuios to see if u ever went to the game or not.....lol</p>

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<p>I think you are being very nice and considerate to tell your folks what you are doing and to listen to them patiently. However, you are now an adult. Listen to them patiently and then say, "excuse me, the bath water is running over. I'll call you after the game and when I get home." Click.</p>

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<p>Wow... I'm really glad my parents aren't so messed up...</p>

<p>You need to see a psychiatrist, buddy.</p>

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<p>this is a long post</p>