My family is Indian BUT I must say, this is more a family thing than a cultural thing. All my Indian friends are able to move away from family for college, but my parents think separating the family like that is not a good thing to do and will ruin the “connection”.
My friend lives in the city of their flagship. Her daughter went to school about 1 hour away and her son spent a lot of time looking at other schools to ‘get away.’ They finally decided the flagship was the best town for him and he moved to the dorm. It was perfect. He met his father for lunch occasionally, or for a pre-football game beer, and usually went home on Sunday nights to do his laundry and have a meal. He often brought his cousin who was also a freshman and living about 2 hours from home. He was in control of how much time he spent with his parents and looked at it as a benefit, not a burden.
My nephew is about 45 minutes away at our flagship. Same deal. He goes home when he needs some food or to borrow something, and when he wants a free meal he calls his mother and invites her to brunch (and she’ll pay) He is in control of how much time they spend together. If he needs to borrow a car or go to the dentist, it’s all very convenient. He also is able to work his old high school jobs (reffing lacrosse, working for a food truck) whenever he needs to earn a few bucks.
If you pick a small school in a small town, you may see too much of your parents (especially since they’ll have nothing to do), so consider that before picking Colby or Williams. You might also consider colleges that aren’t that far from where you live now and they’d be no reason for them to follow you.
I wish my daughter had gone to school closer so I could have attended more of her games and events at her school. As it was, when I visited it was for a week at a time and she wasn’t too thrilled with that. A meal once a week would have been better for her.
Chances are even if they live close by, they won’t have that many opportunities to see you on a daily basis. I have had friends that went to college 15-30 minutes away from their home, but they rarely interacted with their parents unless it was for emergencies. Just make sure that you set proper boundaries and involve yourself plenty in activities that soon I think they will soon understand that you are living your own life. Having parents closeby can be handy, but in reality you might not have much time to see them at all even if they do move closer.
@shawnspencer I agree with your premise. In fact my S went to college less than a half hour from us – it truly was the best fit college and had the best merit aid. But before the decision was made we actually sat down at a table together and had a serious conversation on how to handle it. We (parents) agreed to treat him like he was hours, not minutes away, not to expect him home other than school breaks, and no popping campus or calling by when we are “in the area”. His grandparents were given the same rules. In return my S promised to not use home as a crutch, no coming home for laundry etc. – he would be fully immersed in college life. And it worked out great!
BUT…I think parents that pick up and move to where their kid goes to college may have an issue with boundaries. And they won’t have friends, work etc. in the area since they will be uprooting. So it could become an issue.
The following assumes that OP cannot talk their parents out of their current plan:
Do your parents own their current home? If so, make sure they don’t intend to sell it. Try to convince them otherwise if they do. Let them know that would be a lot of extra pressure on you and that you want to be able to come back to your home and hometown on breaks. If you can convince them to keep their current home and pay rent for a place part of the year in your college town, it will be much more likely that they will change their minds after a few months.
It sounds like your parents really do love you and want the best for you, and that this is (1) part about them being afraid of you going off and leaving them, and (2) part about them wanting to continue to do everything they can for you so that you live the best life possible.
Because your parents are probably a bit afraid of being ignored, I think that stiff-arming them and cutting them off from information is the exact wrong thing to do, and will only escalate any issues between you. Don’t forget, that besides being mean (even though they brought it upon themselves), you are not yet self-sufficient, so you can’t just ditch them.
I think you really need to focus on how them moving with you will actually hurt you. Besides what I mentioned before, you might want to look into some articles about how important it is for parents to allow their children to fail, and how that actually strengthens their children. This seems so contradictory to a parent, so you need to think about how you’d present this. A simple example is that although your parents want to help you with various tasks to make your burden easier for you, ultimately this is depriving you of learning time management skills. And you are a lot better learning these skills in college than you are in the working world when blowing a big work assignment has much more severe consequences than blowing a homework assignment. Another thing that parents worry about is that they won’t be around forever. So learning how to be strong on your own is important for teaching you how to live a happy, successful life, God forbid they aren’t around any more.
This really isn’t much different than the parents that are only willing to allow their kid to go to school close to home or in state. The only difference here is that the parents have the means and inclination to move their home to whatever locale the student chooses.
In this case it seems like the parents are so used to making their life decisions with their kid’s wellbeing as their primary focus that they don’t know how to think any other way. Unfortunately IMHO it’s an unhealthy dynamic that won’t be undone easily. I don’t envision a change of heart resulting from a logical argument, as evidenced by their dismissive response to all the contrary opinions expressed to them thus far.
It may not work, but you might need to make them understand that their upcoming focus needs to be on each other, and on a relationship they may have been neglecting while focusing on your upbringing. They did a great job in raising you, and now they need to back away and let you prove you are worthy of the independence you have earned. If they don’t let you be free of their control, both literally and figuratively, your road to ultimate success will be jeopardized. This is an emotional appeal, not a logical one. I’m guessing it’s the only way you’ll be able to extricate yourself from their clutches.
My final word here is that their suggested method of helping you by following you around like a pair of wealthy stalkers clearly demonstrates a lack of respect for your wishes, and a lack of trust of your abilities. In what world is that a demonstration of love?
100% agree with the above. The posters who are saying things like, awwww, this is great, they really love you so much—no. Yeah, they love her, but this form of stalking is not an expression of love. It is an expression of the parents’ own needs with sprinkles of manipulation thrown in. It’s also narcissistic: “You exist for us and we need narcissistic supply from you, which we’d not be able to get if you were a nine-hour drive away. Also, you cannot succeed without us nearby and without our ‘help.’”
This is NOT the same as a student choosing to go to the flagship in his home town. Nor is it the same as parents’ requiring a child to go to school within a short drive. The idea of the parents actually moving their entire lives—selling their home, buying a new home half a country away, leaving all their friends and familiar surroundings, having to meet new friends and find new activities—just to be within 30 minutes of their perfectly healthy, normal, grounded daughter, is disturbing. It will not end with this.
OP: Is this the very first time they have shown this tendency? I suspect it is not. This kind of behavior does not arise out of the blue.
It’s gping to be a big jolt for your parents if you are one of the many students who decide to transfer or not return to their school after freshman year.
@brantly Surprising, yes. This is quite uncommon from them. We are of course a tight-knit family and they just casually know a lot about my life because I am open about it, but they are never very possessive.
PS. I’m a guy lol.
Ha! Because of their overprotectiveness, I was assuming you are female. Thanks for correcting the record.
So … you’ve never seen this behavior in them before.
What are you thinking at this point? It is not emotionally healthy for you or for them for them to pick up their lives to move to your college town. Maybe you should drop the subject at this point because the more you object, the more they will dig in. Perhaps just adopt a short mantra that you repeat every time THEY bring it up, like: I do not want you to move near my college. Or: I will not need your help with chores when I am at college. Just say that one sentence, then drop it.
Tell them to wait a year before doing anything to follow you. A great deal will change in that year for BOTH you and them. I doubt they will follow after that
@brantly I think I can pull it off possibly with some more concrete evidence and perspective that’s been brought up in this conversation. Personally, I think I also wasn’t the best at explaining to them the exact reason why I didn’t want them living near me (especially because I was okay with going to WashU, which is only 20-30 mins away). They took that as a reason to say “if you’re okay with going to WashU and being near us, why not every other school?” Now I’ve realized that, personally, I would enjoy my college experience a LOT more if I am further away, exploring a new place on my own and discovering myself with a more “independent” feeling. And I can clarify to them that if they move with me, I will definitely (and naturally) depend on them and I don’t want to live like that.
And like @readthetealeaves is saying, I think this wait for 1 year before doing anything is a practical decision because by then I can either 1. concretely tell them that I’m enjoying my college experience and I don’t want/need them to move or 2. tell them that I actually DO need their help (which I probably won’t) and can ask them to move - this is highly unlikely tho. I think/hope they will agree with this.
Ironically, I’m actually alone in Philly doing research at UPenn this summer where I’m staying in an apartment right off campus (lol I don’t understand, they let me do this as a rising junior (15 yo) but say they want to move college with me). This is another thing that puzzles me about why they’re suddenly so overprotective when it comes to college. I go back in a couple weeks, so I’ll talk to them about this in about 2 weeks when I meet them again. I’ll keep everyone updated!
Show your parents this thread! Unless you have a mental or physical disability, it really makes no sense in our culture. You need time to grow and become a young adult. I can’t believe how much my son has grown as a person away from us for a year. We talk to our kids about once a week or text a few times depending on what’s going on. I think your parents are living in a fantasy world and will inhibit your growth.
@Knowsstuff I would show them this thread, but based off their response to people we actually know, they just think that others are misunderstanding their motives and everyone has different family values. Like they say we’re the closest family out of all the families we know, but that still doesn’t give them the right to do this. I think I need to come up with a solid plan and discuss with them the exact reasons why I don’t want this. This thread has definitely given me those answers so I’m going to discuss my feelings (and reasoning) with them to show that this something I really don’t want.
I think if I give enough actual reasoning as to why this isn’t something I want, they will listen to me. They’ve never really don’t something completely against my wish (which is another reason why I’m struggling to digest this), but if I explain my emotions with more solid reasons rather than “I don’t feel comfortable,” I think and really hope they understand.
In addition, I think keeping it open for them by saying I’ll tell you if this is necessary by the 2nd year of college is something they might be willing to compromise with, and I personally think is realistic too.
OP, you are just a rising junior? Tell them to hold off on that decision until 1) you have an actual college decision & location. Given that you are an only child, they (and you) are likely to be rather surprised at how much you, and their relationship with you, matures during the next 2 years. Seriously: you +2 years, after the tough college admissions process, will be quite a different fellow. This summer’s adventure is the first of many big steps. This is not a fight you need to have today: just keep saying ‘let’s wait until the admission letters are in hand’. They can’t do anything in practice until then anyway 
It’s irrational. That’s why they don’t mind that you are on your own this summer, but want to follow you when you leave for college.
I think this also supports the point that they are anxious and fearful of abandonment and the change in their lives going forward. Going away for a summer doesn’t hit those nerves. Going away forever does.
@collegemom3717 Yes, I agree that things will be very different in 2 years, and they can’t really do anything until then. However, they currently have the perception that I have accepted their offer because I stopped opposing the idea when they bring it up (mostly just because I don’t want to cause another looong discussion). But I still don’t want to do this on the inside. I think it’s best I tell them what I actually feel so they stop trying to force it onto me and actually help me keep my peace of mind. Honestly, sometimes I just dread college (even if I get into my dream school) just because they want to be right behind me while I go through the process. That’s not something I need or want. I think talking to them now will establish this earlier and avoid a hostile argument/discussion right before college. I can kind of ease into this if I do it now.
@brantly You are probably right about that.
Also, there is one thing I definitely need to be able to counter when talking to them. They always tell me that if they are close to me in college, if I ever get into trouble I can call them and they will be there in a few moments. That’s not something that’s possible if they’re across the country. This is based off a personal story my dad had when in college when he went back to his hometown. He got stuck in some police case due his friends, but his dad came and was able to stand by him and get him out of that. How can I tell them that this is literally one situation that I don’t really think will affect me in any major way if they aren’t there? Like can you all help with that because I just need to prove to them that those types of situations are soooo unrealistic, especially in the types of colleges I’M applying to.
lol. That reminds me of my mother-in-law who will NEVER put a letter in a U.S. mailbox (she only brings letters to the post office personally) because in 1968 someone put a firecracker in the mailbox on her street.
You can consider writing them a letter. That way you can take your time putting your thoughts together and get it all down on paper. You can say in the letter that when you don’t respond orally to them it is not because you have stopped opposing them. What is in writing in the letter is what stands.
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Ironically, I’m actually alone in Philly doing research at UPenn this summer where I’m staying in an apartment right off campus./quote]
Cool! That means you’re within a stone’s throw of my daughter, a rising college junior who decided to live in Philly this summer and work as a waitress. I visited her last week. What a great city! The U Penn campus is gorgeous. Philadelphia was much prettier than I expected.