Truly, I think that a conversation that says “I know this is what you want. It is not what I want, but it is almost 2 years before any firm decisions have to be made. Can we agree that we will talk about this again AFTER I have been accepted to a college and put in a deposit. It might not even be an issue by then (for lots of reasons), but if it is, we all agree to hear each other out at that time.” is a constructive path forward.
You must have better things to stew over than this.
@brantly My dad dropped a huge chocolate bar in a mailbox as a six year old on a hot day, and got a visit from a policeman at his house after it melted and the mail was ruined. So beware! (jk, I use mailboxes)
OP, maybe they are ready to move anyway, and this just seems like what they want to do. Make your boundaries clear if they decide to do it.
You should tell your parents how grateful you are for everything they do for you and what a fabulous example they have set for you all your life. Tell them that you know they have sacrificed themselves for you for so long that you believe that they now deserve to live their own lives – travel, do things they have put off while you were growing up, focus on their marriage – because they can count on you to be safe and responsible in college. You would feel terribly guilty if they uprooted themselves for you when you know how busy you will be in college and won’t have much time to spend with them. Then share the looooooong list of activities you plan to pursue in college, including study abroad.
Some parents (cough, cough, me) expected to die when their babies went off to college and were then shocked by how fabulous an empty nest is when the baby is doing well and acting responsibly in college.
Have you talked with them about what their college experience was like? They may have had to do a lot more for themselves with less support than you will at an American college. Perhaps you can ask them what kinds of tasks they envision helping with then use college visits as a way to show them all the ways in which American colleges ease the transition to independence. They may have needed someone to help with things like cooking, laundry, and shopping while you will not. Help them to notice that the school bookstore carries shampoo, the laundry room in the dorm is easy to use, and the dining commons is convenient and has healthy food. Ask a question at the info session about the role of the RA and about the academic supports available to students. It might make it easier for them to let go a bit if they see it would be hard for you to fall through the cracks.
Or ask at an acceptance students day, in front of the entire group of students and families, if anyone thinks it’s a good idea for parents to uproot themselves and move near the college to support their child. When everyone stops laughing, maybe an administrator will have something thoughtful to say that will give at bit of perspective.
Maybe your parents are dealing with a mid life crisis and are restless. They want a change and it makes sense to them to be somewhere new with you close by. I am certainly not defending them…my D would be totally horrified if we had a similar plan. So here is an alternative idea…since you said your parents have means how about suggesting they don’t move but buy a vacation property near your school? That way it would not be a permanent residence and they would need to be at your current home some of the time to maintain it. You could say it would be nice to have a place close by to invite friends on occasion. Also it would give them an idea of whether or not they even like the area before making a permanent relocation (or possibly not :)). This might appeal to them and give you some space. Any way tough situation and I wish you the best of luck!
@nvb123 Try to talk to your parents about how you feel about where you are now. That while you intend to move away for college you want a HOME to return to. That home is where you grew up, where your parents are now, where your friends are, where you’ve established roots. Explain that you can’t wait to visit home during your breaks to see them and friends. Explain that if they move and you would enjoy having them near that you will feel as if you lost a BIG part of you because you won’t have a HOME to visit, instead of just visiting your parents at their new house. You will feel like a visitor not a home.
@Veryapparent Haha, this is quite an interesting idea… however, my parents are not THAT wealthy. I don’t think they would be able to do this, but it would be a pretty nice setup and something I may enjoy also. Oh well, one can only dream…
@bhs1978 this is definitely something I will also bring up… I don’t think it will have a MAJOR effect on them because they know that although I have a lot of friends, none of them are like “best friends” and I probably wouldn’t die if I didn’t see them again. However, I do agree that completely separating myself from them and not being able to go back to home for breaks would just be so upsetting for sure. I really don’t want that…
^ That’s actually an awesome idea!! For example, go to school in the Boston area and get them to buy a beach house on the Cape. Then bring all your friends out there to party until they grow weary of it and retreat to the Midwest. :))
Being the parent of a single child, I get how easy it is to have your world revolved around this person you have created, raised, and loved. When you have someone in your life whose company you enjoy, why wouldn’t you want to be located close to them, always? I’m sure your success to date is confirmation to them that their parenting style has worked, so they want to keep going with it. They lament that they would have been more successful themselves when they were your age had they had the type of continued hands-on parenting experience they seem to want to continue with you. But we don’t know what kind of human beings they would have up wound up becoming had that actually happened, and neither do they; it’s only a guess on their part. Nature tells us that a parent’s job is to raise a child to the point where he/she can stand on his/her own as a fully functioning adult. Unfortunately, “fully functioning adult” means different things to different people depending upon personality, culture, socioeconomic status, etc., even within the same family. I feel for your situation.
They may protest that their desire to live close to you is because they care, but your parents also may not 100% trust that you will make the right (in their eyes) decisions, and they don’t want you to face the negative consequences of doing anything wrong. No caring parent is happy when their child suffers from a poor decision. But that is often when a child learns the most, and college offers a nice safety net to make some of those mistakes without enormous cost.
You cannot control where your parents live. You can control your own schedule (I hope). Keep busy, make it a point to visit with them within set boundaries, do well in school. When they see signs of you successfully navigating your studies and activities without them holding your hand constantly, they may “trust” you enough to let go of some control. Remind them that they have given you many “tools” to be successful - now it’s time for them to let you use them.
Considering that you say it’s uncommon for them to be so overprotective, my hunch is that they just want a change in their lives but need a decent pretext. Maybe they just need to find some other reason to move, and then a different place will look much better. Or, depending on what college you choose, they can move somewhere that’s 3-4 hours drive from your college - still close enough to be at hand for emergencies, but not to meet every weekend.
^^This is not a bad idea. Within a half-day’s drive. If you go to school in Boston, they can get a house in Western Mass, which is FULL of empty-nesters and a great place to live. Or if you go to school in Western Mass (Amherst, Williams, etc.), they can live in/near Boston or in Connecticut. Or in Columbia or Dutchess County in NY. If you go to Cornell, they can live in northern NJ or eastern PA, or Rockland County, NY. I’m having fun thinking about the possibilities.
Did their parents do this to them and do your friends of the same religion have their parents following them around. Your Dad doesn’t need to be there if you get arrested like he did. One of the poorest excuses I have ever heard. They want to control you and that is not love.
My son was looking at Northwestern and we live like 25 minutes away in Chicago. I mentioned to him that it would be cool that I could take him and his friends out to dinner /lunch like once a week.
He quickly scratched Northwestern off his list (plus he really didn’t want to go there). Him being at Michigan is the perfect distance. I can be there in 4.5 hours if really needed.
What you can propose and I know people that have done this if affordable is for your 2-4year is your parents can buy a house and rent it out to you and your roommates. It is an investment. Usually getting 3-4 people will pay the mortgage. They keep or sell it when your done with college. This gives them a little control… But make sure they know that they don’t live in it. It’s an investment property.
Hi everyone who’s helped me with this, I convinced my mom!!! It was a pretty tough 4 hour convo. However, she understands what I’m saying about having a better college experience by living far away, especially having experienced Philly for 2 months and really enjoying living far away from home. She also likes the idea of me potentially moving alone to college for 1 semester-1 year and getting a feel for it, and if I feel like I need my parents for more support or I really need to see them more often, they could potentially move. Otherwise we can keep it the way I prefer. I think the safety/caring aspect of it is relieving for her.
My dads gonna definitely be harder to convince because he’s a lot more passionate about this (he really wants to care for me which is great, but I don’t think this is the best way to do that in American college culture). But since my mom understands what I’m saying, I think I can pull it off.
Thanks everyone for so much help! PS. I mentioned some of the college confidential stuff in our convo
I can’t think of anything worse than parents following their son or daughter to college. Talk about stifling their child’s transition to adulthood.
Glad to see your mom now understands.
After you are admitted to a college, if this is still an issue with your dad, have one of the college deans talk to him. I’m sure they will advise him not to come. It would be an independent authority that should have creditability with him.
Congrats. College is your experience not theirs. If they need to be there in an emergency I am sure there are planes they can fly to get there quickly. They can visit on parents weekend. Once you know your schedule I am sure “you” will invite them up for a “special” weekend with you. Let them know there are things like FaceTime, Google hangouts so you can talk with them. My cousin used to use this just to say goodnight to her parents. They were very close and it was like being there per se. You can still text them good night also.
These are tough conversations for a 15 year old to have with his parents. I strongly suggest counseling. I would start with asking for counseling for yourself. If your parents are not receptive to making an appointment for you, please speak up at your next medical checkup. Tell a doctor you are struggling and need a mental health referral.
You need strong support over time to adjust to the level of boundaries you will need to enforce with your parents during college. A good counselor can help you work towards independence, and maybe you can identify some baby steps to take over the next two years while you still live at home.
Yes, it would be best if parents could participate in family counseling, but solo counseling is a great start.
Again, tell them to wait a year before doing anything to follow you. A great deal will change in that year for BOTH you and them. I doubt they will follow after that
(jk, I use mailboxes)
