<p>That may be true for “inappropriate relationships”, but dating or falling in love with one of his/her school mates is hardly “inappropriate”. As a parent, I hope it is not happening because there are so many more important things to do in BS and dating is just so “unnecessary” at this stage, but it is not even a message explicitely supported by the school. How do you make your kids believe to have a relationship in HS is inappropriate?</p>
<p>I think the best teacher of this lesson is to talk about the “stuff” going on around your child already. </p>
<p>I think it is easy enough to tell the reasonably-well-adjusted relationships - where there is an appropriate level of PDA and the time spent together does not rip a couple away from their normal social networks and or other regular activities - from the ones that are not so good.</p>
<p>Your child should be able to talk about which couples are getting too physical and the ramifications of it (looks exciting today, but incredibly uncomfortable next week after they break up) as well as those couples who seem to have isolated themselves from the group (they aren’t fun anymore, they detract from the unity of the group, etc.). If a kid cannot see the logical outcomes of the couples gone overboard, the parent may have a potential problem.</p>
<p>To the thought that schools sending explicit messages about inappropriate relationships, believe it or not, they actually do it. Not that it is very effective, as it takes time for the adults in the boarding school community to build that level of relationship with their students (and this is a one-on-one type relationship between individual staff and students) to the point where they aren’t just seen as a police force out to bust the kids chops. Believe me, the school that has to depend upon its staff lurking around corners is not going to get the type of behavior it wants out of its students.</p>
<p>Are there going to be failures because of the lack of policing, yes. But ultimately, the students need to be socialized into a positive behavioral norm. </p>
<p>I know it isn’t an answer nervous prospective BS parents want to hear, but it is the reality of the situation. If you don’t think your child’s social skills are going to keep him in appropriate behavior where a few bad examples exist, then your kid probably doesn’t belong at BS.</p>
<p>In many ways you have to look at this like driving. You can keep your kid from drinking and driving by not providing a vehicle, but ultimately it is better to give him/her controlled access and talk to him/her about the other kids and the stupid things they do behind the wheel and the consequences they suffer because of it. And you’ve got to know when your kid is ready to learn those lessons.</p>
<p>I really don’t understand why it is so hard to say no to our kids.</p>
<p>I don’t have any trouble saying “no.” I just don’t think saying “no dating in high school” would be effective or realistic for my kids. I don’t want to put them in a position where they would lie to me. Those lines of communication are vital and I’d prefer to keep them open, even if I cringe during the conversations!</p>
<p>Maybe I’m a lax parent, I don’t know. But I don’t feel any need to keep them under my thumb. If I didn’t think they could handle the autonomy, I wouldn’t consider boarding school as an option. Nobody, adult or child, can learn responsibility without a measure of freedom to make mistakes. No doubt I’ll lose sleep over things while they’re away, but I do that now!</p>
<p>PhotoOp…when you were a kid, did you always do as your parents asked? Did “no” always have the desired outcome with you?</p>
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<p>I find it quite easy. Now getting my Asperger son to acquiece is an entirely different thing. </p>
<p>And let me use that as an example, no 2 children are the same. With goaliegirl, the expectations are set broadly without specific instructions, but with outcomes clearly defined.</p>
<p>OTOH, with Aspieson, everything in excrutiating detail has to be spelled out. Anything omitted from the rules is fair game.</p>
<p>Two kids, same upbringing, very different needs. With one, we have developed the idea of setting the goal and the broad parameters, letting her figure out the way to get there. She makes mistakes, more out of misunderstanding of a new situation more than intent to deceive or other negative intent.</p>
<p>He, OTOH, uses the possibility of misunderstanding to interpret the rules to whatever pleases him regardless of the objective or the feelings of others (a definite Aspie trait).</p>
<p>It is clear to me that the difference in outcomes with my children directly relates to how they relate to others around them. One has the ability and desire to form positive relationships and just needs guidance to deal with new situations. The other lacks the potential to understand anything but the simplist of personal relationships, and this feeds a lack of desire to move forward.</p>
<p>While my examples may be polar opposites which makes it easy for me to understand this part of development (yet frustrates me to no end at times), everyone’s child lies at a different place on the map of relationship building.</p>
<p>If it were only so easy so as just to say no…</p>
<p>Maybe I’m in a crabby mood, and there’'s probably a more gentle way to say this, but my first reaction to the “just say no” theory was "“Are you crazy?” 16, 17, 18 year olds are going to “date,” whether they are living in your house or not. Better to have open lines of communication so that you can talk about desirable qualities in a love interest. Kind, good manners, an interestingly, smart, have all emerged as qualities that our teens find important.</p>
<p>That’s okay, I guess I’m crabby too :)</p>
<p>Parlabane: Since you asked, my parents never said no when I was a teenager. I never asked permission because I assumed it was given, I never had a curfew, never had a sex talk, never had any guidance, never felt much love either. Maybe I go too far the other way with my kids but they know the rules. And it’s not like at age 15 I suddenly said - no dating! I told them when they were 2, and 3, and 4, and 12, and 14, and 17… We talk about it constantly. And yes, I expect that they will lie about things, but I still trust them. And I know that neither of them has a boyfriend and they are happier that way. They will not experience heartbreak before they are ready to. And they know that their mother loves them. And always wants the best for them.</p>
<p>I’m not here to judge other parents decisions on this issue. If it’s okay with you for your kids to date, great. I was just trying to support the other parents who don’t think it’s okay. That’s all</p>
<p>PhotoOp- I didn’t mean to be mean, I’m just curious. What do you think is a good age to start dating? My kids all had their first serious relationship around age 16 1/2, and it was a positive experience. Their boyfriends/girlfriends were always welcome at our house (with supervision!) I’m not sure I would want them navigating those waters by themselves at college.</p>
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<p>The funny thing is that I never had to say “no dataing” to goaliegirl. She hasn’t been dating in HS - goes to dances with the girls. Tells stories about the stupid kids who can’t controll their hormones. Has plenty of male friends at school (even the hockey players 
). Comes home and spends an evening with a male friend and some of his friends from time to time (no, not a date they hang out as a group). </p>
<p>Perhaps she didn’t need to hear “No”. Aspieson needs to hear it regularly. Very different kids.</p>
<p>Strange thing is that I’m actually more worried that she doesn’t experience dates. She will need to work through the learning curve of how to handle romance at some point. And she can only learn so much by observing others in relationships. Perhaps she hasn’t found someone at the level of maturity she seeks to explore that facet of life. I’m sure a good candidate will show (or grow) up sometime. In the meantime it is for the best that she goes on as she does. </p>
<p>Pretty tough thing for a father to discuss. I’m glad this discussion is going on.</p>
<p>The girls I know at boarding school are way too busy to fit boyfriends into their lives. However, the process of raising a child who is less likely to do stupid things has been ongoing her whole life, so for us it’s not about making rules pro or con romantic relationships. Do I want her to be having sex in an empty classroom (or anywhere else)? Ick, of course not. But would I mind if she found time to have a little romance? Of course not, it seems normal to me. And sorry if I’m old fashioned in my expectations, but I think the two things can be separated at this age. </p>
<p>My friend’s nephew fell in love as a sophomore at Andover. The couple stayed together through college (Ivy, not that it matters) and grad school, and now that they are gainfully employed (one as a professor, not sure about the other) they got married this fall. Their wedding sounds like it was an Andover class reunion. So, early love didn’t seem to ruin their lives!</p>
<p>First, I think that dating, going to the prom/dance, falling in love, having a broken heart are part of high school. Most dorm mothers are well experienced in dealing with it. I hope my d does more than “just study”. What a boring person that would turn out. </p>
<p>Two. What about the double standards shown by some teachers. ie. What are parents feelings of single unmarried teachers having their significant others spending the night in their rooms - ESP dorm teachers?
Sort of gives a double standard.</p>
<p>Is boarding school really that hard to have relationships in? Cause I might be going to one next year for my year 10 and it’s not that I need someone to date it’s just that what if i do end up really liking someone ? will it be as hard as you people say it will be? and i mean a relationship without sex cause I have more self respect than that.</p>
<p>for all those fathers (and I guess mothers) who dont want their daughters to date in HS – never fear. Even if your daughters are ready and desperate to “date” odds are that they wont. The boys are looking for casual hook-ups and there are enough girls even in top BS’s to oblige, that those girls looking for more steady relationships are not going to be that popular. In terms of dates for formals, etc. there may be some “romance” for a week or so around the dance, but then it will fizzle out, but the majority of kids will either go with a friend of the opposite sex or in a group of same sex friends. </p>
<p>having said this, for those that dont want their daughters dating till something during/after college – do you want them to make mistakes at that time, or when the stakes are much lower in HS?</p>
<p>Mhmm- that really hasn’t been our experience at our kids’ school. A lot of the older kids seem to have long term, serious relationships that last a year or so, similar to what you might see from public school seniors. “Hook ups” are looked down on, the kids seem more conservative than my generation (the 70s!) One of my kids’ “ex” is still close to the family.</p>
<p>Mhmm,
I just don’t think thats true. I’ve been in a relationship at Exeter for a couple months. So have quite a few kids. Were not as shallow as you make us out to be.</p>
<p>Are parents of boys concerned about their sons’ dating and relationships at BS? What do you talk to your son about the topic? Do you pose any restrictions, pre-conditions, etc.?</p>
<p>This thread has reflected the impossibility of attaching rules or making generalizations about relationships at boarding school. Not exactly surprising since we can’t do it ourselves as adults. About the only thing that does seem true is that a black and white view is unrealistic, as are restrictions, pre-conditions and any other enticing parental ideas about managing an adolescent while away at school. </p>
<p>This is the beginning of trial and error for the kids. The values they take with them to School will inform, but not necessarily control their behavior. Real, cringe-worthy mistakes will be made! Most of the time they have small consequences, a temporary broken heart, a bad set of grades, a call home from the School or the like. Only occasionally are the mistakes more serious, a rarity really. </p>
<p>A few kids and families will sail through boarding school without a scratch, but most of the rest of us have a few dings here and there for our efforts. It’s not just success at the amazing academics, sports and ECs that will make you proud of your boarding school graduate, it’s the personal learning, those bumps and scrapes with life (including relationships), that he or she absorbed in your absence and without your advice. This is part of any good boarding school’s value proposition.</p>
<p>I have to agree with Thatcher Parent with this.
Dating is part of growing up. Studying is NOT everything. D has friend who does not date and she has no social skills.
I have brought my Ds up and trust them. They have also had excellent birth control / sex education (not the just say no Southern version).
I find it hard to believe that parents here actually forbid their kids to date. Do they really think they don’t? I would much rather have my d be honest with me about her life than have to sneak about.
My only restriction is that she does not drive with teenage boy or girl.</p>
<p>Pricess’Dad, I read some of your old posts. Is your daughter back to her PS? Do you have other kids in BS?</p>