Parents' perspectives on dating/sex in BS

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
41

<p>Ok, I’m not a parent, so I know I don’t belong. But here’s is my highschool-aged foolish two cents.</p>

<p>I think it’s ridiculous to tell your child not to date. Relationships are a normal part of high school life. Boarding school takes away so much of normal high school life (not that I’m saying this is a bad thing! But it’s true), that you need to at least hold on to some of it. Expecting your child’s whole life to be school work or extracurriculars seems excessive to me. Not that I’m saying boyfriends/girlfriends are the only thing outside of that, not at all. But they can be fun, something to look forward to after a long week of sports, extracurriculars and homework. And they don’t have to be distracting. There are, of course, inevitably moments of big crises like breakups, but those sorts of things happen in friendships too. In fact the one moment of my entire high school career than I remember being so upset that I didn’t study and failed a test was over a friendship not a relationship. Honestly, I had one boyfriend that was way more studious than I was and so I spent more time in the library than I used to and actually was the MOST PRODUCTIVE I have ever been at school. </p>

<p>I think it’s reasonable to talk to your kids about relationships. I love how open my mom and I are about everything. If I’m having boy problems I’ll talk to her as well as my friends. I might not give the two sets of people the EXACT same version, but they both get the same general gist. I understand how it can be tough, because it is true that boarding school relationships can be more intense because you’re around the person all the time, but not everyone in a relationship chooses to have sex. But honestly, even if they do, is it that bad of a thing? Apparently it’s a great stress reliever. Not that I’d know, I’m an example of that whole “not everyone in a relationship chooses to have sex” theory. </p>

<p>To be honest, my other boarding school friends are much more conservative than my friends at home who go to my local high school. As a whole they fool around less, party less, drink less, generally just misbehave less. Maybe that’s because boarding school has taught them there are many other ways to have fun. That’s not to say that a clear line can be drawn. Some of my “riskiest” friends go to boarding school and some of my most straight-laced ones are from home.</p>

<p>Anyways, basically the point of this is that I believe dialogue is the most important thing between parents and their kids, and expecting your kids to just blindly follow a rule is not a good idea. We’re rebellious little buggers ;)</p>

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<p>Parents, take heed of that last sentence. Often times the motivation to break a rule is the presence of the rule itself.</p>

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<p>Touchthestars, thanks for that post. (I’m a parent.)</p>

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<p>Would it be wrong to say that it is like prostitution (aside from the whole selling yourself part and the fact that prostitution is looked upon, in most circles, as immoral). By banning it you continue to let it happen, but the mutual condition is deteriorated. You create a trend of sex slaves tunneled from Mexico. If one is raped you prevent the chance for proper treatment. If legalized you make the environment more transparent. Authorities can do what needs to be done. If they are raped the authorities can take care of it. </p>

<p>In the same light, by “banning” dating you essentially tell your kid that you are not interested in it. They do it anyway. When something less than optimal happens you are not there to help them through it. </p>

<p>Let’s just pray prostitution and dating are not too similar.</p>

45

<p>Yes, it would be wrong to say it is like prostitution. Poor analogy, PrincipalV.</p>

<p>Prostitution is not required to further propogate the species, nor to address the social needs of a society. Intimate relationships are necessary for procreation (with the exception of certain medical procedures, but for most of us, yes they are) but have potential problems that need to be addressed to avoid societal problems.</p>

<p>Not everyone is ready at the same time for intimate relationships. It is a parent’s job to analyze the child’s readiness for any given activity and consent or restrict the extent a child participates in said activity.</p>

<p>A better example to compare dating to would be driving. Most kids at age 16 are ready to get behind the wheel for some types of driving (familiar roads, daylight, good weather, etc.) to start off. Not all kids are ready.</p>

<p>However, when you give the keys to the kids, you set boundaries for the use of the car. No teenage passengers (too distracting), don’t stay out too late (tired driving), etc. You cannot be there to enforce the rules, but you do expect them to be observed. </p>

<p>Kids make mistakes, though. Some through dishonesty(in the relationship), some through inexperience.</p>

<p>It is up to a parent to prepare the child to minimize the mistakes of inexperience, but we too are human and don’t perfectly understand our child’s level of development in certain areas, nor sometimes do we anticipate the potential problems our child will face.</p>

<p>We make judgements (sometimes erroneous on either side) as to how broad of an experience our child will have. It is up to the child to better communicate their level of readiness for certain activities if they believe they are ready for more responsibility. This is not done through wining or making poor analogies to other non-related subjects. It is about discussing the issues of a situation and how they have been preparing themselves to deal with it in a mature fashion. </p>

<p>These discussions, unless done on a regular basis (the mark of an excellent parent-child relationship) can be very uncomfortable for most teenagers and their parents. Talking about intimate subjects is difficult without a level of trust. It is done slowly and in measured amounts over time, not on a one-time basis. Let’s face it, if a child is not comfortable talking about the intimate moments with the member of the opposite sex with their parents, they may very well not be ready to deal with it and what it lead to in real life.</p>

<p>When the lack of such an honest relationship with parents exists, you will find that teenagers often sneak off to do the forbidden-fruit activity, be it with dating or with driving. They take risks they may not be prepared for. And when these activities are discovered, the parents often react by taking away more priveleges from the teenager than just the offending area of behavior. Without adequate and prompt followup to fix the relationship, this often starts the downward spiral of both behavior and relationship.</p>

<p>So, no, PrincipalV, you have drawn a poor analogy. Family rules about dating are about personal development taken over time. Prostitution is about a socially regulated behavior that is not related to personal development and is meant to be an enforced standard of behavior for the long term.</p>

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<p>I think all of your observations are correct. What I was trying to convey with my analogy was not the actual mechanics of prostitution itself, rather the impact banning it has upon society. Prostitution as the institution has little to do with dating, and I was not trying to make that connection (one which I hope I never have to make). The banning of such activities, however, has similar, albeit on a lower scale, effect.</p>

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<p>amen to touchthestars</p>

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<p>The difficult thing about “banning” a certain activity, is that this action is generally taken by the controlling authority (parent or government) to deal with a lack of control with regards to the activity in question.</p>

<p>I still don’t like the use of prostitution and dating as an analogy (I’d rather use drugs, but I digress) as they have very different ideas about sex involved, but for the sake of argument, I’ll work with it.</p>

<p>There are a few places in the world where prostitution is legal. These are places where the societal norms about the activity are at a place where they have decided that the negative side effects of the activity (STD management, other related criminal activity, etc.) can be managed and the behavior involved can be managed to the point where societal cohesiveness is not too seriously challenged.</p>

<p>When you go back in time, you will find universally that “dating” has been tolerated by a society only to the extent that the parties involved do not engage in activity that will not result in undue harm to any of the parties involved (boy, girl, family, community). Most primitive societies had very primitive methods of dealing with situation when something went awry, so the behaviors that presented problems were strictly regulated. Dating was minimal and very controlled.</p>

<p>As society and their institutions evolved, different methods of social control and standards evolved together allowing a more relaxed approach to interaction between young couples as standards for behavior and the enforcement of consequences of “unsafe” behavior changed. </p>

<p>The big rub most societies today have are the interactions between different societies and their different norms of behavior and the enforcement of those behaviors. In the west we are dumbfounded about the restrictions put upon women in certain cultures, but in those cultures, quite frankly, it is unsafe for young women to behave otherwise. To expect them to change to your own standards based upon your limited history with that mode of behavior is irrational, as they have not gotten to that mode of living.</p>

<p>Bringing this to the dating situation at BS, many families of many different cultures have very differing experiences with regards to the safety of dating activities. It is very easy for a young person who has grown up in a more mixed culture to not understand their parents’ experience in this regard. </p>

<p>To the extent that they have brought their parents into their culture as they grow up, they will get more understanding from their parents. But to suddenly expect their parents to throw away what they know of their culture with regards to dating based upon their child’s “everyone does this” explanation is quite irrational and very typical of someone who has a very limited world view.</p>

<p>Bottom line - banning dating activities occurs when there hasn’t been adequate interaction between the differing cultures of parent and adult. It is a sad occurence that can be traced to the actions of both parent and child to understand the culture in which each operates. For a young person to act out on the banned activity, it speaks to their own immaturity with dealing with relationships - both couple and familial. As much as finding a mate is an individual activity, it is also a familial and community activity, as very few couples fuction as successfully as an island as they do with the support of family and community.</p>

<p>Hopefully, I haven’t lost too many people along the way…</p>

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<p>How are kids to learn from their mistakes if you don’t let them?
Banning dating is only going to make them rebel and not tell you, be socially inept when they get to college, or feel isolated b/c they are not one of the group.</p>

<p>i’m pro-hs dating</p>

<p>ps: these are not necessarily going to happen but could, and we wouldn’t want that.</p>

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<p>I got through, goliedad, and I again agree. As an aside, I also think drugs would be a better analogy (well, the “harmless” ones–pot?) as opposed to prostitution. I guess my point was, through all this, there needs to be transparency between kid and parent.</p>

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<p>I think I finally got some perspectives I needed. Now I feel more confident talking to my kid about dating/relationships at BS. Thank you all.</p>

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<p>GoalieDad,
I had a frat brother who visited prostitutes. His feeling that all dating was the same, except his was a sure thing. I have dated and been “told” that the “fee” was dinner and a movie, etc.</p>

<p>I think that coed dorms at some colleges certainly downplayed the “sex” of dating - ie went out with friends.</p>

<p>Biggest fear I have is the “if you really love me you will…”. Have told all 3 ds that if that happens, to kick in the groin and run.</p>

<p>At 16, it is too late to install “minimize mistakes”. That should have happened years before.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, “the Harkness Club” is at all the boarding schools. “Forbidding” a girl (or boy) to date, may increase likiness of them joining.</p>

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<p>Princess’Dad,</p>

<p>I feel bad for your frat brother. If that is what women are all about to him…</p>

<p>I spent my year in dorms at college with coed bathrooms. Yawn. Not sure how it relates to BS dating?</p>

<p>I agree about the “if you really love me line”. Works both ways.</p>

<p>With regards to 16, I was referring to driving (typical legal age for license) more than dating. Obviously the male-female relationships talk begins long before that. </p>

<p>My whole point is that “fobidding” shouldn’t happen if there is an ongoing, honest, relationship between parent and child. Unfortunately, many parents don’t have the wherewithal to adjust to the different (from their upbringing) culture they live in. Forbidding typically comes from such a lack of adjustment.</p>

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<p>Totally agree with all GD</p>

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<p>Bump:)</p>

<p>This thread has some wonderful wisdom - from both parents and students. Some new bs parents might be asking these questions as they make that final commitment to bs.</p>

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<p>A recent NYT piece on “Sexting”…we gave to our D to read and chatted about how stuff can easily get out of hand and have serious consequences:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/27/us/27sexting.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/27/us/27sexting.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;