So I really like Hotchkiss and St. Paul’s, but my parents won’t let me go if I get into Choate or Lawrenceville, their favorite schools. Choate is my parents favorite, solely for the reason of it being closer to home. St. Paul’s is basically out of the question to them because it is 4 hrs away (ridiculously far apparently!)
There is also a sibling to consider, and my parents want us both to go to the same school. So if I get into a school that I really like, but she doesn’t, I won’t be able to go. If one of us gets into schools but the other doesn’t, both of us will have to go to our local public school.
I’m kind of mad and bitter about all of this, because my parents are placing my happiness and preference of a school below what is convenient for them. What should I do?
Yes I’ve applied. I guess it’s actually not worth worrying about until I get back decisions on March 10, but I’m wondering if there’s any way to convince them to drive an hour or two more and let me and my sister go to different schools.
Ok, well if they let you apply and paid the application fees than I seriously doubt that the situation is quite as dire as it appears to you at this moment. How many schools did you apply to? If its 4 or 5 you can spend some time doing real research on the schools that are your favorite so you can articulately argue your case with your parents when the time comes. I would suggest however, that you try not to worry about it too much before you have any idea where you have been accepted. I would avoid disagreements about it now, none likes to feel backed into a corner. Make a spreadsheet which highlights why you prefer Hotchkiss and St. Paul’s, perhaps your parents think that you are just being oppositional, what are the real reasons that you prefer those two schools?
I would say try to keep an open mind with respect to Choate and Lawrenceville, and ask them to do the same with respect to Hotchkiss and St. Pauls. No decisions have been made yet. Wait and see where the acceptances come in, then do the revisit days. If, after the revisit days, you are still not on the same page, try to craft a well-reasoned argument for why you should choose school x. Think through how you can make it work for the family.
Speaking from the parent’s perspective, it is a sacrifice to send a child to boarding school to begin with. And your parents are trying to make it work for your family. Presentation makes a big difference in how I respond to my DDs’ requests. If I get a whiny, poor-me attitude, or an aggressive entitled attitude, I tend to dig my feet in. If instead, I hear a well-reasoned, calm request, I tend to give it more consideration.
I imagine myself feeling out of place at Choate and Lawrenceville, and Hotchkiss and St. Paul’s feel much nicer and homier. I can actually imagine myself fitting in.
ok, totally agree with @momonymous “fitting in” is not a well reasoned or well articulated argument. You need to do better with articulating specifically why you feel that way about those two schools. I assume you actually visited all four schools, but you spent a total of a couple of hours at each place. What is it really if you drill down that you liked or disliked, try to think of it in a way that you could explain to someone. You can not just say “I don’t like it”
Is your sibling in a different grade? Have you and your parents (and you and your sister) talked about what you would do if you are accepted at different schools - and each of you likes the school that liked you? Does she have a say too? Are you very similar in temperament or personality? Tough when there’s more than one goal in mind, and more than one applying!
Right-- I would working at honing your arguments, thinking about WHY certain places would be a better fit. But wait until after you know the results to discuss it-- and, in fact, wait until after revisit days. You’ll probably be able to articulate fit much better after you’ve spent whole days at various schools, including classes-- and , who knows-- you might even change your mind. But no sense arguing (and getting their backs up) until after you know where you are accepted.
Just to be clear (and perhaps harsh), your attitude is very self-centered and a poster-child for the definition of “Entitled.” While many do not complain when they have to find a corner to study after coming home from a poor inner-city school, and have to justify (to their parents/family) taking time for homework instead of helping out with home chores or the home business; you are “mad and bitter” that you may be forced to go to your second-choice elite private boarding school.
I certainly hope you were in a different frame of mind when you wrote your essays, because ‘entitlement’ is unbecoming and has a way of seeping through into one’s writing!
And be happy with your parents. They are considering spending discretionary money that they could use on sending themselves on a photo-safari in Africa, or heli-skiing in Canada, or myriad other choices, on educating you, when perfectly good free public options are available. Anything beyond LPS is a gift. Don’t be “mad and bitter” over a gift, even if the giver is trying to control what is given.
Lecture over.
Control what you can control. One thing you can control is convincing your parents of why Hotchkiss and St. Paul’s are better for you (as recommended by other posters). Another is to make sure your sister’s favorites are aligned with yours, so if you both get in to all of the schools, her top choice will be the same as yours.
Entitlement isn’t the thing that I drew from that. What I thought of it was a frustrated teenager who was bitter at the concept of their parents overruling him/her on a major life decision. I understand where OP is coming from, as my parents almost did the same thing with me.
@mrnephew, was this truly a decision that you were entitled to make that was potentially being made for you?
Or, perhaps, going to boarding school was a new possibility in your life that did not have to happen. That you are able to be at a boarding school- is that a gift? Or is the selection among boarding schools a selection you are entitled to make, since (you believe) it affects your life most directly?
I am simply pointing out that sending a child to boarding school affect the lives of family members-including siblings- very directly, and perhaps the head of the family is entitled to make the decision of which, if any, school shall be chosen. Hopefully that is done after weighing the effect on all members of the family; but the head of the family may choose to weight his/her own self interest more than that of the children. This is a major life decision in the life of the family, as well as in the lives of each if its members.
Being able to attend boarding school is a gift, not an entitlement. As with most gifts, it is not your choice what you are given.
Oh! And what a gift! Especially when the alternative is a very large public HS I hope you and your family make the best and fairest decision for you all, NChopeful!
I thought it was to a certain extent, after all, it would be the place I live at for the next four years. I respect my parents’ advice and take into account what they want, but in the end, I convinced my parents to leave the choice to me. Of course it affects my family, but my parents wanted me to go to boarding school because they thought it would be best for me, and if I was going away anyway, why not to the place that suited me best? At that elite level of schools, education and opportunities are at the same level, so why not go to the school of best fit?
And yes, it is a gift that I appreciate all the time. But say the school I had gone to was not a good fit, and I hated it there, would I still appreciate it? I’m not so sure I would. And this is why I think the concept of “fit” is so important.
@mrnephew, of course fit is important. But it is also important that the school fits with your family’s requirements/needs. When we started looking at schools, my requirement was that we only consider schools within a 90 minute drive from home. There was a school a couple of hours farther away that would also have been a great fit for her, and she was very interested in it – but I want to be able to attend her games and concerts and school events, have her home for short breaks, etc— And not be driving three or four hours each way… That just wouldn’t work with my schedule. Fortunately, we live in an area where the 90 minute rule still gave us plenty of schools to choose from.
I hope u also applied to some other schools, too. All 4 u mention are VERY hard to get into. On March 10, u will be lucky to be admitted to ANY of them.
Our family’s operational principles went like this: kids and parents got on the same page about the “apply to list”. Any conditions, any “if . . . then” statements that might depend on how future events broke, we tried to articulate before applications were finalized. The kid did a lot on their own to gain the credentials upon which s/he would be judged by the schools, including taking the SSAT. S/he did the daily tasks that created a multi-year transcript that would be judged, and did the ECs. Parents supported, but the kid was going to earn her/his own admit. The kid would be doing the living at the school and be expected to make it work to the best of their ability.
We parents felt that having vetted the list, it was important to put the final decision in the kid’s hands. Yes, the tuition was “gifted” to the student, but the opportunity was earned. If our kid had gotten into school X and we had then vetoed that option post-M10, without invoking our conditions or other compelling reasons, I think our kid would have been upset, given this approach to the process.
Regarding the OP, I would hope that there has been transparency and communication all along. If there were no circumstances under which the parents could see sending their child to St. Paul’s, then I don’t understand why they would have allowed that particular application to go ahead. I wish this family all the best in getting a quick resolution to the question of whether SPS is in fact a viable option if M10 opens that door. And, of course, all the best for the discussions that any other M10 school decisions may bring forth.
“I guess it’s actually not worth worrying about until I get back decisions on March 10.”
This, times 10.
That said, as a parent with kids at two different boarding schools in day-trip drivable but opposite directions, your parents are not being unreasonable to want both siblings at the same school. It certainly simplifies matters.
For example just this past weekend, we had both girls home (one on an official “post exams” long weekend and the other just because her sister was home). Pickup days were staggered, so that was fairly simple…but come Sunday, both had to be driven back to their respective schools in addition to managing other obligations that we as working parents/community members had.
Here is what my Sunday looked like: got up early to take care of housework/work-work, set up a booth for my wife at a local tradeshow while she was attending church/church meeting, waited for wife to arrive with 7Daughter1, drove 7D1to SAS (2 hour drive) from tradeshow location, drove home (2.5 hour drive), got in passenger seat to accompany wife and 7Daughter2 to Masters (1.5 hours one way). Total drive time on Sunday: about 7.5 hours.
Then consider that there are breaks that won’t sync up, move-in dates that might conflict, etc. I understand that this is what we signed up for, but it ain’t easy.