parents won't let me go out of the city (bar certain exceptions)

Parents Forum
1

TL;DR: I don’t want to live with my parents when I go to college, which will happen if I don’t get in anywhere that they consider “good.” I don’t want to do anything drastic like calling the cops either because I feel like I’m in the wrong to because I think I have anger problems and snap back at them. What do I do?

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/high-school-life/1859623-people-with-strict-parents-how-often-do-you-get-beat.html#latest
^^^some of you may have seen this post where i talk about my relationship with my parents.

Well, I guess it’s gotten better now that they’ve “given up” on me and it’s mostly just verbal abuse and making me feel pathetic. I know they’re awful parents and all that, but I could never bring myself to call CPS or whatever on them (although thanks to everyone that gave me advice in that other thread) because they just want what’s best for me (in their mind). In a little less than a year, I’ll be as far away from them as I can (maybe), so I don’t think it’s worth the trouble of permanently damaging my relationship with my parents. They are good people, but they just care too much about what other people will think of their kid if he doesn’t go to an elite school, and I’m sure that feeling will wear off after I finish college, though they won’t let me live it down (even though there’s nothing wrong with it).

Pretty much every problem I have with my parents is that I get bad grades in a very demanding school (top 30 USN&WR (I know ranking don’t matter, but I just wanted to point out the rigor)), mostly because I never put in any effort. The funny thing is that even though I’m busting my butt in school and doing pretty well this semester, they don’t like it because it shows how much “potential” I had and how I wasted it. They actively make it hard for me to do better by turning up the TV volume when I’m working, or just yelling at me for working anymore when I’ve already “ruined my life.”

I will admit that I do get mad and say dumb things back to them in my teenage angst, which causes situations to get worse. I guess most of this is my fault.

I just really want them to leave me alone, hence going far, far away. My parents are typical Asian helicopter parents, so they’re pretty shallow and care only about rankings and not much anything else. If I want to go far away, I’ll have to get into somewhere that is way out of my league (I hope the really big upward trend senior year + my already good test scores will help, but I guess I shouldn’t count on it), or get into to my state university (which puts a huge emphasis on rank during admission, so I probably won’t get in since I’m around top 35%).

My counselors told me I made the national merit cutoff in my state, but that won’t mean much since I won’t get finalist (have multiple Cs, Ds and an F on my transcript, although all in one semester). None of the schools that offer full rides for semifinalists seem like places I would fit (not enough that it would be worth disregarding my parents/damaging my relationship with them and going there).

If I don’t get in somewhere “good,” then I will be going to the local commuter university, which I would be totally fine with going to if I didn’t have to live with my parents for another four years.

I’m looking for some advice on what to do when applying to schools that are out of my league though. Will the upward trend help, especially when it’s so late (well, good freshman year, bad sophomore year, better junior year, and stellar senior year)? Should I mention my situation in the additional info section of the common app or will that bring unwanted trouble? Should I focus on having really good subject tests for subjects that I got bad grades for to show I’m competent now? Should I ask my teachers to really emphasize how much I’ve improved since last year in my recs? Should I apply to like 20 schools?

I’m at a loss, but I really, really, don’t want to stay here for more than I have to. I think it would be a great experience for me to be independent from my parents and for them to have to hover over me about everything, but that will never happen if I commute to school everyday. It would just be an even worse version of grades high school. :frowning:

2

What state are you in? Can you get into your state flagship or a state directional?

3

I’m in Texas, and I’m pretty I will not be able to get into UT. Getting into other public schools would be a match I would think, although my parents wouldn’t let me go.

4

I’m confused when you say other in-state schools would not be a match. Why is UT the only match. Can your parents afford sending you too a private. What is your intended major. If I am understanding you correctly your choices are elite out of state schools, Flagship UT or local commuter university. More information please.

5

For Texas residents, many of the public universities may be either safety (if automatic admission) or reach (if not), since most spaces are filled with automatic admission by rank (and sometimes test scores).
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/texas-colleges/1677484-texas-public-universities-requirements-for-guaranteed-admission-2015.html

If the parental restrictions on colleges limit the choices to elite schools, UT Austin, or a local commuter school, then the OP only has those choices, or moving out and working or military service.

6

@marioooooo A lot of people from Texas who don’t make the 7 percent cutoff go to Ole Miss. Not elite, but if you have a 3.0 average then as a semi-finalist you can go tuition-free. It’s far enough away that you won’t have to put up with your parents, but still close enough that you could go home a couple of times during the semester if you wanted to.

7

If you have above a 3.0 average and a SAT consistent with your PSAT (or ACT above 26), you could get a full tuition Amigo scholarship at the University of New Mexico:

https://scholarship.unm.edu/scholarships/non-resident.html

It is a Research I university. Maybe not elite, but certainly respectable.

8

ucbalumnus is correct. I wouldn’t mind going anywhere at all (alabama and ole miss sound appealing), it’s just parents restricting me to those specific kinds of schools (UT, elites, local). I’m just really at a loss aside from doing my best this semester and made this thread to get the problem off my chest.

9

You are really not in any position to be picky. Look into the scholarships you can get for your NMSF if you can find any colleges that are willing to overlook the bad grades. Your parents may be more agreeable than you expect to your going away to a less than top name school if it’s hardly going to cost them anything. Make sure you do your research and are able to explain to them what opportunities you could get there. Also, if you do well, perhaps you can then transfer to UT? Seems like your best option for getting out of your house. Continue to show them that you are turning things around, and they may get more helpful.

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You don’t need to be a NMF to get a substantial OOS scholarship for Ole Miss:
http://finaid.olemiss.edu/scholarships/#8

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It appears that the OP’s parents’ restrictions are not about money, but about prestige and control (i.e. they may give up control if there is enough prestige, but not otherwise), except that money is the means that they can enforce the restrictions.

It may be possible to remove such parental leverage by earning a full ride merit scholarship somewhere, but a high school record with C, D, and F grades (particularly if it drags the GPA under 3.0 or creates deficiencies in the usually-expected college-prep curriculum) makes that unlikely. Here is a list that includes full rides, but verify on college web sites since some may have changed: http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/

12

Well, they aren’t going to get prestige at this point.

Look, if the parents feel that OP did not apply himself, and OP admits that is the case and has the grades to show for it, it’s completely understandable to me that they aren’t willing to pay for him to go away to an expensive dorming school. I understand there is a cultural attitude issue, but it also seems entirely reasonable for me that parents of a kid who way underachieved in hs and got poor grades to show for it would (1) not be willing to spend a lot on college and (2) would want to keep the kid at home to keep an eye on them. We hear many stories about kids going off to college and not handling the freedom well, and flunking out. I think the OP needs to convince his parents that, despite his past behavior, he isn’t going to be one of these kids. And perhaps he can do that with consistent hard work and a discussion about how he has matured and is resolved to turn things around.

13

Don’t immediately reject the military option. It gets you out of the house. It addresses what seems to have been your greatest problem so far, which is immaturity and lack of discipline. Your test scores and improving record may give you some leverage to negotiate interesting/valuable specialized training. As a military veteran you will have access to additional financial aid and employment preferences when your enlistment ends and you go to college. And think about it: at that point, a successful military stint, plus a full year of good senior grades, plus your test scores, plus your additional maturity probably makes you a much stronger candidate for colleges your parents would respect, at least somewhat. Also, at that point your parents are not likely to insist on you moving back home.

14

No one should go into the military unless it’s their chosen vocation. It’s not a scholarship foundation or an organization to get kids out of less than optimal home situations.

If OP is in a dangerous or emotionally abusive home, s/he should talk to the school social worker and pursue the avenues of assistance they offer. If not, s/he can explore living with other relatives, attending a local state school, and/or working to afford a room in a shared apartment.

15

All kinds of people go into the military without it being “their chosen vocation.” Of course it’s not a scholarship foundation. For approximately all of recorded history, however, it has been, among many other things, a way to get kids (boys mainly) out of less than optimal home situations (including, in the not so distant past, having prison as a home situation). It’s an important, difficult, sometimes very dangerous kind of public service.

If it were the OP’s “chosen vocation,” he would probably be advised to go to a public university and join ROTC, rather than enlisting out of high school.

16

Pinning your hopes on getting into an elite school with C’s D’s and an F on your transcript is not realistic. You need to think about a back-up plan.

Getting a full-tuition scholarship and getting a job and student loans for your living expenses might work.

Could you move out of the house? Is there anyone at all who would take you in after you turn 18 and let you stay with them until you get on your feet? Maybe a relative or a friend whose parents have a spare bedroom? Otherwise you need a job to pay your share of the rent in a house or apartment with roommates.

If you do get out of the house, your parents may decide not to pay your college tuition as their means of exerting control again. Then what?

By staying with your parents and pretending everything is fine, you are locking yourself into depending on them to file financial aid forms and pay their EFC for the next six years (unless you get a scholarship, etc.). By not reporting your parents, you have no documentation of coming from an abusive home that could be used in a financial aid appeal to become an independent student. Once you turn 18, you cannot become an unaccompanied youth or an emancipated minor because you are no longer a minor. If your parents say they would take you in (if you “behaved”), it’s hard to claim yourself as homeless.

If you move out and your parents decide they don’t want to support you, you will need to pursue a degree you can pay for yourself with a part-time job and unsubsidized federal student loans. This probably means an associate’s degree or a career certificate from a community college. And then working to pay off those loans after graduation. You can take the maximum federal loan and use the extra money beyond tuition to help pay your rent so you don’t have to work full-time while in school. It will still not be easy.

Once you turn 24, you will be independent for financial aid purposes and will be eligible for aid without your parents cooperating. You could then pursue a four year degree.

Another option is to go to the commuter school but just come home to sleep. You can study in the library, meet a study group, join clubs, get a job, etc. You can find all sorts of excuses not to be home much. Colleges usually have spaces that are open long hours where you could hang out.

If the other thread is true, your parents’ behavior is not your fault. As you start “adulting,” you may want to consider talking to a counselor to sort out the mixed feelings of loving your parents and hating them for abusing you while also feeling guilty because the people with the power (your parents) made you feel that way. Abuse messes you up. Colleges offer free counseling centers, though the level of services varies.

17

I thought about your situation and here is what I would suggest. Go ahead and apply to UT and hope you get a CAP offer. You can then go to UTSA, UTA, UT Tyler for a year which will get you away from your parents home. It will be your job to get good enough grades to gain entrance into UT. Texas A&M also offers a similar program if they will allow it. Hopefully this will satisfy their desire for you to go to UT and you will be able to get away from home and go to a real university. Best wishes to you and keep us updated.

18

Thanks for all the responses and advice everyone. I’m touched that you guys took the time to respond :slight_smile:

I wanted to clarify that the Cs, Ds, and F were all in the same semester, so I guess that makes things slightly better if I come up with a decent explanation?? Also, the schools I were looking at are not like Stanford or MIT or anything like that, but more along the lines of Lehigh, Tulane, and UMiami (which, given I apply broadly and put lots of effort into essays, I may be able to get in I would think? Looking at their common data sets leads me to believe that it isn’t totally rare for someone with my stats to get in. My parents decided to be a bit more “lenient” and might consider a “top 50 school” if I get the aid I need because they didn’t realize how “low” UT was on the US News list, so anything above it should be fine).

The problem with living at home is that I don’t want to do anything rash (self-harm, etc). I think I might have some sort of psychological problem or am just a really angsty teen, so I don’t want my possibly biased and untrustworthy views to mess with the lives of my family, which is why I don’t want to consider looking towards getting any legal help. Besides, my older sister has/had no problems with my parents so I think this is really just me.

I’ve decided that, if I don’t get in anywhere, I will go to Alabama/Ole Miss regardless of what my parents want and try to get my teachers to convince them that this is a good choice because I will have no debt. Either that or I will just try the CAP offer if I get it, although my parents won’t like having to tell their friends that I didn’t get into UT (because they really care about their image, lol!!!).

19

I’ve been chewing on your situation in my mind and here’s my $0.02 for what it’s worth:

  1. Having Asian helicopter parents - or helicopter parents of ANY ethnicity - is really hard on the student.
  2. You get SO MUCH pressure to perform. to be #1. Even an A- in many situations is deemed to be a "failure."
  3. A fair number of Asian immigrant parents put a lot of emphasis on their children getting into a top prestigious university. There are usually reasons for this and some of those reasons can sometimes stem from the culture/environment that they are familiar with back "home" in Asia. Note: I am NOT saying that ALL Asian parents do this. But MOST of my Asian classmates in high school and college had this exact kind of pressure from their parents.
  4. Some helicopter parents also tend to pressure their kids to go into only specific fields: doctor or engineer. Anything else = you are a failure, a disappointment, and you will bring shame to us (the parents) and to the extended family.
  5. What subjects/majors are you interested in pursuing in college?
  6. Free tuition is quite a blessing. Congrats on your NMSF! From what I've read, NMSF get a massive scholarship at Ole Miss. It's not a top ranked school, BUT there are some positive aspects to the university & community. For example, they have a very interesting plant research laboratory center there which conducts research to find new sources of medicine for various diseases and according to their website, it's the only one of its kind in the country. Ole Miss also has a pharmacology undergrad program in which if you get at least a 3.5 GPA in your pharmacy undergrad classes, you are guaranteed admission to their pharmacy graduate program. Being a pharmacist requires 4 yr of grad school much like MD requires 4 years of med school & getting in is competitive.
  7. You can STILL be a success in life and NOT be an engineer or doctor. But it can be really hard to convince one's stubborn parents of this. Sometimes it can help to find another trusted adult (preferably an adult who your parents know & respect) to help advocate your case/argument for you.
  8. If you think that you might want to go to graduate school, what is REALLY helpful with grad school applications (most of which require letters of recommendation from a professor or 2) is that your professors know you and even better if you have research exerience with those professors. At a really large more prestigious university like UT-Austin, this can sometimes be hard to come by.
20

Do not join the military till you have researched how the Marines try to filter out minorities through brutal hazing resulting in quite a few deaths. The military is one of the worst organizations in contemporary US society when it comes to acceptance of minorities (race, gender, sexual orientation). Your parents would come across as angels compared to Marine sergeants.