Picking College Via Boyfriend?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Our daughter, who is your typical average student and all around good kid, had only two criteria in choosing colleges: Small college and close to home. So she applied to three very nice small colleges, ranging from 15 to 45 minute drives from home. In addition, she applied to one medium size college about a three hour drive from home, mainly because it is a really nice college that we are very familiar with since it is close to our original hometown, and she would have lots of relatives around. She also applied to one very large college about a six hour drive from home only because it was the only college in the state that offered a couple of particular majors that she thought she might be interested in. She was accepted at all five colleges. However, when it came time to later apply to those two special majors at the large college (separate process as they are selective majors), she decided she really wasn't interested enough to make it worth the trouble of applying. We told her at the time, that if she didn't apply to those special majors, then she would essentially be crossing that college off her list, as no reason to be making that long of a drive for a major she could just as well get at one of the closer colleges, all of which better fit her original criteria. She was readily agreeable. She had subsequently narrowed the field to two colleges, one of the small close up colleges and the medium size three hours away college, and then finally decided on that small close up college. We would be very happy with her going to either of the two, and cost doesn't enter into the picture. (We can afford any of the five colleges with no loans and she would live in the dorms, even for the close by colleges.)</p>

<p>Now the problem: Her boyfriend, who is actually a really nice kid who we like (but isn't the most motivated student) was denied admission to all the colleges to which he applied, except to the large college six hours away. (Although it has the reputation of accepting anyone, he was actually initially deferred even there. And two of the colleges he was outright denied are regarded as colleges you apply to if you can't get in anywhere else.) Now our daughter has decided she wants to go to the large college six hours away also, so they can be together. This college clearly isn't a good fit for her, is just the opposite of her original criteria, and we believe a boyfriend is not a good reason to base a college choice on. In fact, we think there is a high probability he will flunk out his first semester, and he will end back up here at the local community college, leaving her alone at a college six hours away. We've suggested maybe given his track record, he should start at the local community college anyway and she could go to her close (half hour away) small college she originally chose, and they could still see each other all the time. Unfortunately, seems that he is dead set on a 4 year college, and expects her to follow him there. </p>

<p>Should we just take a stand and forbid her from going to the large college far away? We are afraid that it would just result in her starting off with a bad attitude regarding the college "we make her go to." Sounds like her backup plan if we do forbid her from going there, is to go to the medium size college about a three hours drive away from our home. It is also only about three hours from the large college, and we think they are making plans to take turns visiting each other frequently on weekends. However, we've told her that we would not be happy with her traveling three hours on her own on weekends on the interstates to see her boyfriend, and if we found out she was doing it, we would confiscate her car. Now we are reluctant to even let her pick the medium size college, thinking she would be making the trips behind our backs. Also, as we've explored the colleges further, we think her original choice of the small close by college is the best fit for her personally. Also, she is not very self-sufficient, and hence if she needed something, it wouldn't be a chore to just run over and help with whatever she needed. Makes for a gradual transition to independence. What should we do?</p>

2

<p>Although I read your entire post, it is difficult to offer an opinion without college names (e.g. Lake Forest College, Loyola-Chicago,etc.). It appears that the boyfriend may not be mature enough for college and, therefore, may interfere with your daughter’s education by “teaching” her bad habits. Best to keep them separated and let time, nature and distance decide whether or not they are truly meant for each other. It reads as if they might grow apart if your daughter is a good student willing to learn and mature, while the boyfriend may have trouble moving beyond the high school years.</p>

3

<p>First thing is to come to terms with the fact that if she’s like 99% of CC stories, she WILL become more self-sufficient, in one phase between now and h.s. grad, in another over the summertime, and then again after she moves into the dorm. Unless, of course, you follow this plan:

</p>

<p>You see she is already showing some independence from you (in a bizzarro form, of course) by questioning which school to go to (the six-hour place with the boyfriend) or making plans to visit from a 3-hour distance. </p>

<p>I think the first order of business is to give her a new message of confidence that she WILL BECOME more self-sufficient in the coming year. In fact if you change your tune on just that item, it’s not impossible she’ll fight you less about the boyfriend/college location item. </p>

<p>If she goes 3 hours away, is there a greyhound bus between the two locations? Although I’m learning that protective parents have bad imagery about riding public buses, in fact they are safer on the highways than cars. </p>

<p>Perhaps you can empower her more to think of herself, without absolutely making a fight over the boyfriend. He might last, or not. But tell her she should be where she has Choices. If you tell her she deserves Choices (not one scenario or another) she might like that better. Picking the best academic situtation for herself still gives her the choice to visit the boyfriend, no matter where he is. Then focus on her own program, talking about her, her, and her.</p>

<p>If you lay out all the options again of where to attend, asking her to imagine herself in 4 years graduating from one of them, which would make her most proud? Where will she have gotten the best courses in her major? Ask her to find it for herself, don’t tell her. Don’t extol or berate one place over another.
Instead, ask her questions so she comes up with answers in her own words.
Then leave it with her for a day. Perhaps a big session where the subject is only her, without discussing the boyfriend, would get her to focus on the long-run. </p>

<p>If the subject of the b.f. comes up, maybe you could lighten it up and say, “You can visit him from all these places==one, three or six hours away, so assume that. Let’s get back to you!” </p>

<p>Also, do you have any contact with the boy’s mom? Maybe if you and she are friends, you could explore if she’d want to encourage her S to not sway her so much. BTW, are they imagining mutual visits or is she just s’posed to drive to him all the time? I wondered about that.</p>

<p>Instead of running down the b.f. for all the places he didn’t get into, you could take a different approach and say, “I hope he does great wherever he goes, but that’s not relevant to your choice at this moment.” That sounds different than saying he’s likely to flunk out and move back home anyway, leaving her solo at the 6 hour school.</p>

<p>I think she needs a huge dose of confidence, to hear a voice in her head that
is all about her, not just him-and-her. Who better to give that than you, her mom? Say all kinds of things about how much she is maturing and growing, with pride not regret. If you say it enough she might begin to believe it and then do it. Then you’ll believe it, too. Sometimes it goes in that sequence.</p>

4

<p>Please tread carefully into the “forbid” territory.
While we may still control the purse strings we don’t control their minds or the history they will pass down through the family about us.
(I’m sure to be remembered as nothing like what I see myself as…but that’s another story…)</p>

5

<p>It’s tough. Realistically, even if the BF doesn’t flunk out there’s a good chance they won’t be bf/gf a year from now once they get into the college scene. He might also be a distraction for her if they’re at the same place.</p>

<p>The 3 hour distance isn’t a big deal for logistics for you. College students don’t really need a whole lot they can’t get themselves on-campus or in an adjacent area so you shouldn’t really be concerned about running up to her if she ‘needs something’. You can always just take it next time you visit or send it to her. </p>

<p>On the further college - is it certain your D can’t still try to get into those other programs? Maybe she still has a chance. Regardless, your D should pick based on best fit and work out the rest.</p>

6

<p>Maybe some weekend visits to the two small schools is in order. She needs to be able to envision herself happy and meeting new, ambitious, people like herself. It is easier to leave home and choose to go to something that looks fabulous than to leave something that is safe and familiar for the unknown. Does she know anyone at these schools who would put her up over night?</p>

7

<p>It really depends on the kids involved. Are there more opportunities for your D to change majors (if she falls in the majority % of kids who do) if she goes to the large university? Six hours is nothing, compared to all the parents here on CC whose kids are attending school on the opposite coast to where they live. I do think the “forbidding her from attending” probably isn’t a good strategy—may be setting yourself up for lots of tearful calls once she gets to the place she feels you are forcing her to attend.</p>

<p>H and I had a long-distance relationship for 5 years of college; we were about 2 hrs apart… it worked, but it was hard. For my D, I do mostly wish she and her BF were at the same school…</p>

8

<p>'Scuse me, moondogguy. I assumed you were the mom, but only because you sounded so very concerned and involved. You used the pronoun “we” and I only later reread and thought about your screenname. Shame on me for gender assumptions!</p>

9

<p>I hear yet another power dynamic going on. She didn’t like the large one, now she does but for the wrong reasons. You were okay with the large one, now you know it’s (coincidentally!) wrong for her, and in fact the middle one isn’t good anymore either.</p>

<p>I honestly think you can’t win this by brute force. I have a feeling I would share your feelings, and frankly, I would find it very frustrating and scary. But objectively speaking, I think forcing her to one place away from bf will only undermine her college situation and hurt your relationship. </p>

<p>The reality is despite your obvious loving concern for your daughter, she will very likely be fine wherever she goes (hwy driving or not). Boyfriend may or may not drop out of the picture (I’ve seen numerous of mediocre HS students thrive in the college environment). She can always transfer. All will take its course. </p>

<p>I vote to just let it be.</p>

10

<p>Is it really wise to advise someone to start in community college when they got into a real university? Because you aren’t his parent, I don’t think it is your place to suggest that he go to community college first because he will probably flunk out anyway. I agree your daughter shouldn’t be making this decision based on where her boyfriend is going to be, but the way your post reads is that you want the boyfriend to go to a community college so that your daughter won’t choose the large university far away. If that’s what you meant, again I must say that I don’t think it’s your place. It’s also not the boyfriend’s place to suggest that she follow him to a non-selective university; of course, sometimes it’s hard to get an 18-year-old kid to understand that.</p>

<p>They need to choose their universities based on what is best for them professionally.</p>

11

<p>Just one other thought (having been a girl in love once upon a time): You can’t control the distraction aspect at all. </p>

<p>What I mean is: </p>

<p>a) I think a settled-in BF would be much less distracting that a new love (thus if she’s not with BF, she’ll be more than likely to meet some new guy and THAT is distracting). </p>

<p>b) Distraction is perhaps greater if they are trying to get together while apart (you’ll never be able to monitor or control her seeing of him far away so don’t even go there). </p>

<p>c) She went out with him in HS and he obviously didn’t distract her there to interfere with her performance. </p>

<p>d) College is, by design and youth, FULL of distractions no matter what. Part of maturing is learning how to balance every day school commitments with so much that is fun and new!</p>

12

<p>Really I would talk to her about not thinking choosing a college based on her boyfriend being a good idea then be willing to compromise with her going to the medium sized college 3 hours away. </p>

<p>Once she is away at college you will not be able to watch what she is doing so you have to just let go a bit - my D is a freshman and it is hard to let go those reins but you really have to make yourself.</p>

<p>My daughter is at the same school as her high school boyfiend but they just broke up. They change a lot once they go to college.</p>

13

<p>What exactly does the OP think they would be doing when the parents would just "run over’ to the college to fix something?</p>

<p>that is the FIRST thing that needs to have an attitude adjustment imo- parents of a college student shouldnt pick a school so they can go help for whatever “she needed”</p>

<p>Its no wonder the girl isn’t self sufficient yet, if dad thinks he will be needed run over whenever, why should she be…</p>

14

<p>My D is far from her BFs college- about 25+ hour drive apart, 3+ years dating & D is a junior now, BF/GF thing still going strong. She had planned to break up went she left for college, but realized they care deeply for each other and could provide support.</p>

<p>Long distance can work well- they have a certain groundedness in remembering who they were before college, esp when they are learning, stretching and growing at college. At the same time they each can fully particpate in college life with friends & not be glued to each other. I highly recommend it- though it is tough!</p>

<p>Get her to pick her college for her best place, not to be with any one (BF or HS best friend or any one else)</p>

15

<p>

Is there a way to make the trip by public transportation? My daughter has making the trip from NYC to Boston at least one weekend a month to see her boyfriend, with her boyfriend alternating and making the trip down to her – so they are together at least every other weekend. Her first year she usually took the notorious Chinatown bus; fortunately she now has switched to Greyhound. But I still worry about late arrivals back to her home campus, and try to track things so that I can be sure to call and check on her when she is on the way back. </p>

<p>Of course I am worried about the travel, but I would prefer even the Fung Wah bus to her driving alone. I also felt that for awhile that she was diminishing her college experience with the frequent commute, but then one day it dawned on me that she was enjoying student life in two wonderful but very different cities – a fact she confirmed to me, telling me that it was only in Boston that she had the sense of enjoying a true “college” life, though of course Manhattan is exciting and stimulating and her college offers a wonderful academic environment. </p>

<p>As to the boyfriend: he is sweet & loving and absolutely adores her, and they will celebrate their 3rd “anniversary” as a couple on Valentine’s Day. He isn’t my idea of a perfect life partner, but it sure would be hard for her to find a more caring and attentive mate – so I might just have to give up on “perfect” for my daughter one of these days and settle for a human being as a future son-in-law. </p>

<p>For my daughter, the trip to the bf via bus is at least a 5 hour bus ride, longer in poor weather or heavy traffic – plus there is transit time on both ends to & from the bus terminals. That the two are still going strong after logging all those bus-riding hours says something about their relationship. </p>

<p>Anyway, its not about what we parents want in any case. I would agree with you about the car thing – for obvious reasons, my daughter doesn’t have a car on campus in any case – but maybe now would be a good time to simply research public transportation options, and encourage the choice that would allow a good fit but also be within reasonable travel time of the boyfriend.</p>

16

<p>Because she wanted to attend a college too far from home, she does seem to be reluctant to suddenly strike out on her own. By doing so with her boyfriend in tow could intensify the need for social, emotional and physical support from him. If this were the case it could prevent her from full participation in the campus culture and if a breakup were to occur could intensify the emotions involved.</p>

<p>However this is not certainly the case. A friend’s daughter traveled half way across the country to enroll in the college he bf was attending. She is quite outgoing and the relationship has cooled off substantially. However her current complaint is only about the weather this winter and she is diving into college life in other areas.</p>

<p>The choice should ultimately be her’s and your role is to give her perspective and advice. Whatever the decision, a mistaken one at this point in her life will merely be a learning experience in all likelihood. If the separation issues for her are very strong iyho, you could step up the p/a a bit.</p>

17

<p>I think you should rethink the threat to confiscate her car if she travels to see him on the weekend from the mid-sized college. Honestly, if she’s a good driver, three hours is not that big a deal, even on interstates. This arrangement is probably your best bet if your goal is (1) to keep her from going to the big college and (2) to avoid damaging your relationship with her. The weekend trips will get old pretty quickly, and the BF may flunk out or break up with her. Whether it’s the case or not, she will think this argument about driving on the weekend is just a pretext to keep her as far from the BF as possible.</p>

18

<p>Boy I hope I never have anything this tough!</p>

<p>I think I would say to her: </p>

<p>"Since we’re not you, it’s hard for us to see the wisdom of your decision, but it’s your life and we love you, trust you and support whatever decision you make. If it turns out to be a mistake, one, we would still love you, trust you and support whatever decisions you make in the future and won’t hold it against you or throw it back in your face, and two, it won’t be your last mistake; Life is full of mistakes and we know that there are all kinds of mistakes that we haven’t even made yet. Letting you do this may be one of them :slight_smile: "</p>

19

<p>A relative of mine went through something similar but it was a transfer mid freshman year. The condition they gave their D was that she live in a different dorm then the boyfriend, join a club or intermural team (also without bf) and that she attend the events hosted by Hillel (a jewish group). This way her D would make a life at school aside from the boyfriend. 2 yrs later the relationship is still going strong but they have a life at school both together and separate.</p>

20

<p>Can she even HAVE a car at her colleges? Some don’t allow freshman to have cars…smart move I think…</p>