Please critique my essay

Applying to College
1

<p>I'm not much of a writer, I just wanted to clearly display why I want to transfer universities. The point of the essay is to give the committe some background on me and why I sincerely desire transferring to their school. I already submitted it last week so I can't make changes now, I just want to know if you think this essay serves its purpose well.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Imagine you're on the Admissions or Scholarship Committee. Tell us something about yourself that isn't apparent from your academic records--something that will give us insight about you as an individual and might help in the committee's decision.</p>

<p>Application Committee:</p>

<pre><code>First I would like to thank you for taking the time to review my application and to introduce myself. As stated at the top of this page, my name is ------. I am from -------- and am currently a freshman at Grove City College in Grove City, PA, studying electrical engineering. Due to my current situation and background, I feel I can be regarded slightly differently from the normal freshman or transfer student applying to the University of Pittsburgh. Firstly, I am a single child and the first in my family to be attending college. That scenario put particular strain and confusion on all of my college-related decisions, such as which school to attend, what kind of environment I preferred, and what kind of academics with which I wanted to acquaint myself. Due to price and location, I chose Grove City College and entered as a freshman in August of 2005. I began my college experience with a healthy high school background, having taken AP courses in calculus and physics and earning a 5 on the AP calculus exam, obtaining CHEM 0110 credit from the University of Pittsburgh in my junior year, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA and finishing my senior year fourth in my class out of approximately 240 students. The academics at Grove City during my first semester were rigorous but rewarding. However, during my time here I have learned a great deal about myself, the type of college I want to attend, the reputation of the school name I want my degree to bear, and the environment and personality I want my college life to reflect. I quickly realized that Grove City was not matching my attributes and traits. At this time I began seeking education elsewhere and very noticeably became quite fond of the University of Pittsburgh. U. of Pitt. had been a consideration of mine previously, however I neglected to pursue it further due to the slightly higher costs compared to some of my other considerations. Looking back, however, I regret not further considering Pitt due to that reason alone, and after having learned about myself and the college world, every aspect of the University of Pittsburgh and its offerings excite me. These aspects include the city of Oakland and Pittsburgh and their surroundings; the large variety of students to meet and interact with that make up the student body; and most importantly, the reputation that the University of Pittsburgh holds with its high academic standards, especially in the engineering disciplines. I would be very excited to have an opportunity to learn, grow, and further my education with the staff and students of your fine university. Because of these reasons I eagerly seek to transfer this fall and imagine the experience to be very eye-opening and rewarding.
</code></pre>

<p>Again I thank you for taking the time to review this essay and my entire application.</p>

<pre><code> Sincerely,
---------

[/quote]

</code></pre>

2

<p>I don't think "firstly" is a word. At least, I've been yelled at for it in the past.</p>

<p>I would change the tone to seem like you're describing you more than describing your situation. It just feels impersonal.</p>

3

<p>Firstly is indeed a word. I agree it sounds a bit odd, though.</p>

<p>Thank you for your opinion. I chose to write the essay in the way that I did because, from everything that I read online, essays for transfer applicants should focus on your situation and your reasons. Really that's the most important thing. They can already see the kind of person I am from my records, but don't you think they'd be curious as to why I want to leave the very good college that I'm already at?</p>

4

<p>Guys is this essay like complete and total crap? Sometimes I think it is, because, it's not even an essay, it's a LETTER, is it awful that I wrote it that way? And did I even answer the question?</p>

<p>But other times I think it's okay and it really serves its purpose well.</p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

5

<p>it clear gets the message out, but you need to express yourself in a college essay, tell your real reason for transferring but not make it seem your doing because to get into a better college. Colleges want to see your determination and want towards the college your looking for. And try not praise the admission committe to much, then they will think your sucking up to them</p>

6

<p>I thanked them twice, is that alright?</p>

<p>Is it okay to be in the form of a letter?</p>

<p>I definitely told them my real reason for wanting to transfer - I came here, it didn't match me, and looking at their school, it really excites me.</p>

7

<p>this is positive cricism so don pile on me.... i'm only trying to do you a favour ok..? i don wanna start a bash up..</p>

<p>here we go:</p>

<p>1.) your tone is horrible... it sounds like your saying "poor me" 9not ina financial way btw)..</p>

<p>2.) congrats on the 3.9 gpa :)</p>

<p>3.) u don need to mention your gpa and other stuff... coz ur sending them your transcripts + your resume right..? if so, then don mention how much u got in calculus, etc... it doesnt matter... repeaeting info might not help them..</p>

<p>4.)
[QUOTE=]
Imagine you're on the Admissions or Scholarship Committee. Tell us something about yourself that isn't apparent from your academic records--something that will give us insight about you as an individual and might help in the committee's decision.

[/QUOTE]
thats the topic. all u hav mentioend is how you stand out. don say that, let them figure it out. but for them to figure it out u need to tell them something. write about a situation which has happneed in your life when u kept cool and handled it well when EVERONE else was falling to pieces. but don make it sound like your a hero...</p>

<p>i hope this was helpful... and to be honest i din like the essay much... but i hope this has helped you..</p>

8

<p>It does help, thanks a lot.</p>

<p>I thought it would be okay to devote one sentence to the high school stuff, just enough to emphasize my strong points but not too much.</p>

<p>I understand what you're saying about responding to the topic question. Basically, I was trying to answer the "give us insight about you as an individual" part by telling them how I learned about what I want from college during my first semester here.</p>