Please critique my UC Personal Statement #1, +other questions

College Essays
1

<p>I am an OOS student who will be applying to both UCLA and Cal. After trying to write my first Personal Statement I realized it wasn't very good and I have now re-written it. Please, if there is anyone who is willing to read through it and help me out I can PM it to you, and I am more than willing to return the favor.</p>

<p>I also have some additional questions. I am not fully aware of HOW UC schools want their statements written. Is a lot of it based on your ability to write, or is it just the content that plays a major role? Are they looking for elevated language and flamboyant writing, or will a simple, cut-to-the-chase type of essay do?</p>

<p>Please help!</p>

2

<p>Is there no one willing to help, or anyone who can answer any of the above questions? I’m looking for someone to help me because I’m starting to stress out about the deadline. And again, I could by all means return the favor and help anyone with their essay too :)</p>

3

<p>The whole point of the personal statement is for the admissions officers to get some more insight on who you are as a person. Stay away from the elevated language, it will make you look pompous. Just write it as if you were telling a heartfelt story. Here is a great example of a UC personal statement. <a href=“collegetocareers.com | NS record”>collegetocareers.com | NS record;

<p>And also I’d be happy to read your personal statement as long you read mine too. Just PM me with the essay :)</p>

4

<p>thank you so much! and of course, i can take a look at yours too. i just realized that i’m not able to PM, but could i email it to you instead?</p>

5

<p>yeah, my email is tylerwhite1213 at gmail dot com</p>

6

<p>I emailed you my feedback and sent you my personal statement, just letting you know!</p>

7

<p>PM me! I’ll help :)</p>

8

<p>I can’t PM, but do you think you can give me your email so that I can send you my essay? :)</p>