Please grade my essay! "Is deception ever justified?"

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1

<p>Blue Book p.189
"Is deception ever justified?"</p>

<p>{
It is too tempting to succumb to lying. How often have we had friends come to us for our opinion of their appearance? How many times have we told them, "You look great!" when we actually think the complete opposite? We must remind ourselves to stay true to the axiom our parents have taught us: "Honesty is the best policy."</p>

<p>In Arthur Miller's novel The Crucible the antagonist, Emily, falsely accuses innocent townsfolk of practicing witchcraft. Judge Danforth orders the executions of over a dozen people even when he knows that Emily is a liar who simply uses her power to eliminate people that she personally dislikes. Emily's deception in order to better her position in society throws the petite town of Salem into utter chaos. Danforth's decision to follow along with her accusations of witchcraft is a ploy to safeguard his visage as a resolute judge at the cost of innocent lives. For Salem, unjustified, selfish deception wreaked havoc on an otherwise peaceful community.</p>

<p>In other cases, deception is used for apparently selfless purposes, such as complimenting a friend. It is a social norm to flatter; we give vain compliments to others in hopes of increasing their self-confidence. In reality, our lies are not justified at all; instead of boosting the self-confidence of the receivers, they become addicted to our compliments and wane when they receive the cold truth. A timid friend of mine in high school struggled with her appearance and always wore confusing, disjunct, and downright appalling outfits. Our circle of friends would insist that she looked "perfect" when she asked for tips to improve. As a result of our deception, she continued to don egregiously mismatched clothing with a childhood naivety. We shouldn't give a perfunctory, "You look great!" when somebody asks how they look in their dress. We should be candid and give constructive criticism so as to improve their wardrobe in the future.</p>

<p>Indeed, deception is never justified; in fact, it is outright contemptuous. No matter who is on the receiving end, lying only exacerbates problems. It can drive a person to the verge of suicide. It can introduce utter discord to a calm city. Above all, lying can make it impossible to tell friend from foe.
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<p>It would be most helpful if you could provide a score (0-6 or 2-12), but all feedback is greatly appreciated!</p>

2

<p>Bump .</p>

3

<p>Bump .</p>

4

<p>Bump .</p>

5

<p>A few grammatical and punctuation errors here and there. Your analysis seems solid though, which is the big idea. You took a pretty unwavering stance on the issue.</p>

<p>I’d say that you’d have gotten anywhere from a 9 to an 11. The essay really bites because of how subjective it is; but regardless, still a stellar essay.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the feedback! 10-11 is what I’m aiming for since, as you pointed out, it is very subjective.</p>

7

<p>Can anyone else give some feedback?</p>

8

<p>The introduction lacks a solid thesis. While you do clarify your position on deception, you did not provide a reason as to why, or your thesis. You actually do make it clear in your conclusion: “No matter who is on the receiving end, lying only exacerbates problems.” I think if you mentioned this clearly in your introduction, the essay would flow much better.
Also, I’m not sure if we’ve read the same book but I’m pretty sure the main antagonist in The Crucible is named Abigail. I guess it doesn’t really matter when it comes to the overall example what the name is but in a classic play like this one, such little details may matter.
For the second example, I think you should provide more details so the scenario seems more realistic and effective.
The conclusion is alright but I’m confused as to the purpose of the last sentence…?</p>

<p>If I’m coming off as picky, it’s because I’ve written an essay on this question as well. I think they’d give you somewhere around an 8-10.</p>