Please grade my essay out of 12

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Does a lack of knowledge cause conflict?</p>

<p>There is no avoiding the fact that some people are more astute than others. However, when someone is so vacuous, problems may arise. That is why it is true that a lack of knowledge can cause conflict. When people don't know about a topic, they might start disagreeing with other people who also don't know about that topic, even to the point where pure chaos occurs. This can be proven through history and literature.</p>

<p>To start off, the innovator of the macintosh, Steve Jobs, was greatly affected by a lack of knowledge of his coworkers when apple was barely known by anyone. The problem wasn't that Steve Jobs didn't know what he was doing, he knew exactly what he was doing, and the exact way he wanted things to be carried out. However, because of a lack of knowledge of the correct programing to use for the macintosh, disagreement arose and Steve Jobs was temporally fired. This caused chaos the company Steve Jobs cofounded, Apple, which almost had to be put out of business, however they rehired Steve Jobs and things went back on track. This is one example of how conflict and chaos arose because of a lack of knowledge.</p>

<p>Secondly, lack of knowledge caused conflict in the novel, "Lord of the Flies". When the protagonists, who were very discreet, were stranded on an island and on their own, conflict arises because of lack of knowledge. When they were first stranded, the rules of which the protagonists had lived under for their whole lives, abided. However, after a while, the protagonists didn't know how to handle being set free from authority, and therefore began to form their own society, where it was the survival of the fittest. This again shows how lack of authority causes conflict.</p>

<p>Lastly, lack of knowledge played a key role in France during the early 1700s. During this time, the third estate of France knew they were being mistreated, however, they were illiterate. Because of this, the third estate was unable to understand the ideals of the Enlightenment, and thus, they were not able to revoke until the bourgeois told them about these ideals. Hence, with a lack of knowledge of how to read, the third estate was faced by the conflict of supporting a revolt with facts.</p>

<p>To sum up, lack of knowledge causes conflict and possibly even chaos. This is shown when the company, Apple almost went out of business, also when chaos arose in "Lord of the Flies", and finally when the third estate was unable to revolt, all due to a lack of knowledge.</p>

2

<p>I’ll read this and give it a score, but without the actual prompt (the long introductory stuff) I can’t help you as much as I’d like to.</p>

<p>Give me a few minutes.</p>

3

<p>There is no avoiding the fact that some people are more astute <a href="-wrong%20word">b</a>** than others. However, when someone <a href="-who?">b</a>** is so vacuous <a href="-wrong%20word">b</a>, problems may arise. That is why it is true that a lack of knowledge can cause conflict. When people don’t know about a topic <a href="-which?">b</a>, they might start disagreeing with other people who also don’t know about that topic, even to the point where pure chaos occurs. This <a href="-what?">b</a>** can be proven through history and literature. <a href="-%20Anything%20can.">b</a>**</p>

<p>To start off <a href="-It’s%20the%20beginning%20of%20the%20paragraph,%20so%20I%20know%20you’re" title=“starting off.”>b</a>, the innovator of the macintosh, Steve Jobs, was greatly <a href="-%20What%20does%20%C2%93greatly%C2%94%20mean?">b</a> affected by a lack of knowledge of his coworkers when apple was barely known by anyone. The problem wasn’t that Steve Jobs didn’t know what he was doing, he knew exactly what he was doing, and the exact way he wanted things to be carried out. However, because of a lack of knowledge of the correct programing to use for the macintosh, disagreement arose and Steve Jobs was temporally fired. <a href="-%20I%20already%20knew%20most%20of%20this.">b</a>** This caused chaos <a href="-%20Discuss%20this%20%C2%93chaos.%C2%94%20%20What%20were%20its%20ramifications?">b</a>** the company Steve Jobs cofounded, Apple, which almost had to be put out of business, however they rehired Steve Jobs <a href="-%20I%20already%20knew%20this">b</a>** and things went back on track <a href="-%20What%20does%20%C2%93back%20on%20track%C2%94%20mean%20in%20THIS%20case?">b</a>. This is one example of how conflict and chaos arose because of a lack of knowledge. <a href="-%20You%20don%C2%92t%20need%20to%20tell%20me%20what%20you%C2%92ve%20just%20told%20me.">b</a> THE READERS ARE SICK OF STEVE JOBS. Trust me – I am one of them.</p>

<p>Secondly, lack of knowledge caused conflict in the novel, “Lord of the Flies”. When the protagonists, who were very discreet <a href="-%20wrong%20word">b</a>, were stranded on an island and on their own, conflict arises because of lack of knowledge <a href="-What%20sort%20of%20conflict?%20%20How%20did%20the%20kids%C2%92%20%C2%93lack%20of%20knowledge%C2%94%20lead%20to%20this%20conflict?">b</a>. When they were first stranded <a href="-You%C2%92ve%20already%20told%20me%20that%20they%20were%20stranded%20%5Band%20I%20already%20knew%20it%20the%20first%20time%5D">b</a>, the rules of which the protagonists <a href="-%20huh?">b</a> had lived under for their whole lives, abided <a href="-wrong%20word%20–%20rules%20don%C2%92t%20abide.">b</a>. However, after a while, the protagonists <a href="-%20again">b</a> didn’t know how to handle <a href="-why%20not?">b</a>** being set free from authority, and therefore began to form their own society <a href="-%20Everyone%20in%20the%20room%20has%20read%20this%20novel%20and%20therefore%20knows%20this.">b</a>, where it was the survival of the fittest <a href="-%20How%20does%20this%20pertain%20to%20lack%20of%20knowledge%20and/or%20conflict?">b</a>. This again <a href="-%20Why%20say%20something%20again?%20No%20need%20to%20waste%20pencil%20lead.">b</a>** shows how lack of authority causes conflict.</p>

<p>Lastly, lack of knowledge played a key role in France during the early 1700s. <a href="-%20Well,%20yeah.%20It%20probably%20does%20today,%20too.">b</a>** During this time, the third estate of France knew they were being mistreated, <a href="-%20How%20can%20the%20fact%20that%20they%20%C2%93knew%C2%94%20something%20constitute%20%C2%93lack%20of%20knowledge%C2%94?">b</a>** however, they were illiterate. Because of this, the third estate was unable to understand the ideals of the Enlightenment, and thus, they were not able to revoke <a href="-%20wrong%20word%20–%20I%20think%20you%20mean%20%C2%93revolt%C2%94">b</a>** until the bourgeois told them about these ideals. Hence, with a lack of knowledge of how to read, the third estate was faced by the conflict <a href="-%20%C2%93faced%20by%20the%20conflict%C2%94?">b</a>** of supporting a revolt with facts. <a href=“In%20this%20paragraph%20you%C2%92ve%20made%20scant%20–%20if%20any%20–%20connection%20between%20ignorance%20and%20conflict.”>b</a>**</p>

<p>To sum up, lack of knowledge causes conflict and possibly even chaos. <a href="-%20You%C2%92ve%20said%20this%20at%20least%20once.">b</a>** This is shown when the company, Apple almost went out of business, <a href="-%20You%C2%92ve%20said%20this%20at%20least%20once.">b</a>** also when chaos arose in “Lord of the Flies”, <a href="-%20You%C2%92ve%20said%20this%20at%20least%20once.">b</a>** and finally when the third estate was unable to revolt, <a href="-%20You%C2%92ve%20said%20this%20at%20least%20once.">b</a>** all due to a lack of knowledge. <a href="-%20You%C2%92ve%20said%20this%20at%20least%20once.">b</a>**</p>

4

<p>Hello :). </p>

<p>I’ve read through your essay as well as jkjeremy’s review and I feel that the essay was decent. </p>

<p>I will try to refrain from restating most of the points that jkjeremy accurately pointed out but I will address a few additional points that could make your essay a better one; I will also address some disagreement that I may have with parts of jkjermey’s review (I’m not saying that my points are better; they are just alternative views that you can consider.)</p>

<p>First off, I think that there are quite a few diction errors. Though the definitions of some more complex words may appear to be synonymous to simple words that could be used in their place, there are subtle differences in definition; unfortunately this subtle difference makes the word inappropriate in the eyes of the SAT markers and for readers in general.
It is counter-intuitive to use verbose words that you do not fully grasp as it gives a bad impression to the marker. Therefore, I recommend you either learn more vocabulary and learn how to use them in context (preferred) or abstain from using words that may make your writing seem ostentatious (pretentious/conspicuous). ← (I purposely used the wrong diction to test if you understood this concept. In the case of the previous sentence I wrote, it would have been better to abstain from trying to sound ostentatious (by using the word ostentatious (which does not fit into the context)) and instead use a simple phrase like “abstain from using words you do not know” which fits the context much better. </p>

<p>*This may seem a bit confusing and if you need further clarification please feel free to ask for it. </p>

<p>Another point that could be improved would be that you shouldn’t use contractions. It is silly but collegeboard sees this as unprofessional and you WILL be marked down for this. </p>

<p>Now, onto the point that jkjeremy made about your Steve Jobs example. I think that although an examiner knows a point already, he/she would not mark down the essay for that point so long as it progresses the argument. Therefore, I feel that your point on rehiring Steve Jobs, though almost universally known, is still valid as it is a crucial point in maintaining your argument. Without it, your entire example would not hold water and would not be as effective.</p>

<p>However, regarding the overall example of Steve Jobs in general, I do believe that jkjeremy is accurate in pointing out that the point is too hackneyed/trite/banal/overused. Though examiners would not mark you down on points that progress an argument (like the point on the rehiring of Steve Jobs), they would not be impressed by a common example either. Thus, it may be better to use a unique (Grammar note: You cannot say “more unique” as unique is already a superlative word) point instead. </p>

<p>Overall, I think the overall essence of the essay is rather persuasive and you demonstrate that you know how to progress an argument. However, you fell down mainly on diction and some lack of information here and there. Although these points are small, they affected the overall comprehension of your essay and the effectiveness of your argument.</p>

<p>I would give this essay a 3/6 (very close to a 4/6) and reading jkjeremy’s analysis, which appears to be rather critical, I think that he too would probably give a similar mark. </p>

<p>Thus, you can assume that this essay would score around 6-7/12 marks.
However, do not despair if this is not what you are aiming for; just work on points we mentioned and I’m sure you would boost your essay grade up to a 8,9 or maybe even a 10. (11 or 12 with a lot of effort).</p>

<p>Anyways have a nice day :). Feel free to message me if you have any questions.</p>

<p>P.s. Please forgive me for the plethora of grammatical errors and incoherence of some parts of my review; I wrote this in a rush and am in a drowsy state.</p>

5

<p>I’m not so sure that jkjeremy would have even considered a 4; it sounded like a 3 at best, perhaps lower, but I guess he can offer a number if he’d like. </p>

<p>I’d like to take a more encouraging direction like hindsight9 has done. I agree with the conclusion that you do have the potential to eventually get an 8-9 or maybe even a 10, and yes an 11 or 12 with a lot of effort. I completely agree. </p>

<p>What hasn’t been said yet I think is that I wanted to push you in the direction of making the reason you used each of your 3 examples clearer and deemphasize the examples a hair. The essay is “Does a lack of knowledge cause conflict” not “What are 3 examples in which a lack of knowledge causes conflict?” In the end, the examples should back up the reasons that knowledge does or does not cause conflict, but as it reads, the reasons back up the examples. </p>

<p>Thus, with that mentality, you wouldn’t have written about the examples in the conclusion. I don’t agree with jkjeremy’s comment or at least implication that repetition poor writing, but rather, what you repeated was not effective. It’s not clear to me what type of conclusion jkjeremy is actually advocating because if the conclusion does not discuss knowledge causing conflict in some way or another then you would have went off topic or contradicted the rest of your essay. </p>

<p>The writing does feel informal at times with phrases like “to sum up” or “to start off”. </p>

<p>What I do take away from all of this is that readers will form different opinions on the essay, and for that reason there probably are two readers. Had the words been used correctly and you not used phrases like “to start off” I would say a solid 4/6. Then from there, I’d say cleaning up the conclusion like I suggested and emphasizing the reasons over the examples in your topic sentences, body paragraphs, and conclusions, that would steer you towards a 5/6. </p>

<p>I, like hindsight9, see no problem with you writing about Steve Jobs. I agree that it might not impress anybody, but in an otherwise truly excellent essay, it should still receive a 6/6. The essay is a combination of wanting to be impressive but also not doing anything incorrect. The 6/6 is a combination of doing little-to-nothing incorrectly and being particularly impressive, and the use of Steve Jobs may not steer you to a 6/6 but again, if the rest of the essay were otherwise impressive with little-to-nothing incorrect, I don’t see why someone should not give you a 6/6.</p>

6

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<p>No, it’s a three for sure.</p>

<p>It’s too literate to be a two and not insightful enough to be a four.</p>

7

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<p>If Steve Jobs stuff fits the prompt, then of course it can still help a kid get to a “6.”</p>

8

<p>If jkjeremy, you feel that one can earn a 6/6 with writing about Steve Jobs when relevant, then why bother telling this student that it’s not original? Are you trying to stress him or her out?</p>

9

<p>Thank you all for your advise and encouragement. I will definitely take into consideration what everyone has said and use it in my next essay.</p>

10

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<p>Heck no I’m not trying to stress anyone out.</p>

<p>I said that a person CAN write about Steve Jobs and still get a six. The key phrase here is “when relevant.” Almost no SAT essay prompt lends itself specifically to a discussion of Steve Jobs. It CAN happen, but it’s quite rare.</p>

<p>There are NO “examples that can fit any possible prompt,” at least not unless the kid really stretches either the example or the prompt (often both). This kind of stretching basically precludes a score of six because the most important task is to answer the question—never to mold the question to your own desires or to the information you’ve brought into the room.</p>

<p>Almost every Steve Jobs paragraph looks basically the same. A six kid can write about almost anything as long as it’s done in a distinctive, insightful way.</p>

11

<p>In this thread, who said anything about writing about Steve Jobs every prompt? Who said he always writes about Steve Jobs? Who said he’s trying to find examples for any possible prompt. So Steve Jobs paragraphs look the same but a 6 requires being distinctive? That does not seem to add up.</p>

12

<p>Here is the problem- the fact is that Steve Jobs is used constantly. For anything and everything. </p>

<p>I cant be sure how many essays each grader gets per shift but it has to be a couple of hundred. Do you really want to be the 50th Steve Jobs essay that the grader picks up that day? </p>

<p>There are interesting points to be illustrated using Steve Jobs- this essay wasnt an example of one of them.</p>

<p>Adding:
In this case the Stephen Jobs example is terrible. First off is historically inaccurate in a number of respects. Secondly, it does even hang together with its own logic- his co-workers fired Jobs because he didnt tell them how to program the Macintosh? Then what happened? They rehired him and he told them how to program the Mac? This narrative doesnt hold together at all and the grader will know it. Lets make the gigantic leap that anyone buys this version of events, wasnt the conflict caused by a lack of business success, not by a lack of knowledge?</p>

<p>Nothing about this example is convincing to me and it feels like it has been shoe horned in. <em>And</em> it is going to be one of 40 bad Jobs paragraphs the poor grader has to read.</p>

13

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<p>Correct. Upward of 90% of them are quite similar in basic content. Some of the other 10% have a chance at “six” quality (depending of course on the sophistication and effectiveness of their vocabulary and phrasing).</p>

<p>Does that make more sense?</p>

14

<p>Yes it makes sense. Obviously no one is going to get a 6 for being common, you have to show deeper knowledge and more insightfulness on a subject, even if it is a commonly used subject, to get a perfect score. That was not shown in this essay and that is why it is considered “The common Steve Jobs example”, which doesn’t impress graders.</p>