Please Grade my Essay worked hard on this one

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Assignment</p>

<p>to change is to risk something ,making us feel insecure .Not to change is a bigger risk , though we seldom feel that way .There is no choice but to change .People however ,cannot be motivated to change from outside .All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>Adapted from Ward Sybouts ,Planning in School Administration : A Handbook</p>

<p>Assignment What motivates people to change ? plan and write and essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue .Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading ,studies,experience or observations.</p>

<p>My Essay</p>

<p>What motivates people to change comes from within whether it is for a new fresh life or self satisfaction. There aren’t many people in history or even today that can say they are satisfied in what they have achieved or where they want to be in life every person wants to strive for more whether it is physical, mental or spiritual everyone wants to achieve more.</p>

<p>My father was offered a chance to immigrate to Canada in 1988 in China were he was currently living he was a well established man working as a doctor and an acupuncture teacher. He was offered to come to Canada to start his life over again why would he come to Canada when he had an already well established life? A motivation to start a new life and for a better future for the next generation. In 1990 he immigrated to Canada and years later my mother and my brother immigrated to Canada too to start a new life than that of China. Today my dad is a successful acupuncturist and message therapist never regretting one day of leaving his hometown. </p>

<p>In the movie The Grinch Who Stole Christmas the Grinch was a mean character who disliked Christmas, presents and “The Who’s,” because as a child he was constantly bullied by “The Who’s” and during Christmas time as a child he sent a gift to a girl but because of his ugly appearance everyone laughed at him leading him to despise Christmas. He decides one day to steal the “The Who’s” Christmas presents because he thinks that the root of their happiness on Christmas is because of the presents. After he successfully steals the presents he is surprised to hear the joyful singing from the “The Who’s” he realizes that Christmas is much more than gifts, motivating change and starting a new life as a nice person, after these events he returns to the home of “The Who’s” with all their presents and apologizes and even invites them to join him for Christmas dinner. With this the mean Grinch who stole Christmas became the Grinch who loved Christmas.</p>

<p>There is always a high risk when anybody wants to change but as the famous quote says “High Risk equals High Reward.” Just like my dad who came penny less to Canada to change and start over. Who now has a successful business as an Acupuncturist and Message therapist. For people who don’t wish to change even when they have not achieved their goals to not change is a bigger risk therefore there is no choice but to change.</p>

2

<p>To begin, there is a technical matter which you need to address. You need to indicate the beginnings and endings of sentences. This is called “sentence boundaries”. Using end punctuation and capitalizing the first word of the new sentence are important. </p>

<p>When you discuss your examples, always keep the topic in mind. A measure of the motivation required to overcome difficulty is the amount of difficulty that had to be overcome. In the example of your father, you mentioned the hardship of separation from his family. Can you suggest what other difficulties he had to overcome?</p>

<p>I should note that you did provide a statement of what actually motivated him to make the move to Canada. That’s very good. If one is to talk of motivation, one should describe what that motivation was.</p>

<p>Your example of the movie, “the Grinch Who Stole Christmas”, is much longer than the example you gave of your father. That was unfortunate because most of what you said about the movie was plot summary, and while you did explain the motivation for the Grinch’s actions, your point diverges somewhat toward the meaning of Christmas. In addition, the real-life example of your father is more intellectually and emotionally significant than the plot of a children’s story.</p>

<p>I often see it posted that person must have two examples, or three examples in order to score well on the essay. That is not accurate. A single well-developed example can provide all of the intellectual content the essay requires. In your case, a deeper analysis of the difficulties your father faced and the strength it took to overcome them could have made this a much more effective essay. The mood of the essay would have been consistent throughout. As it is now, the inspirational story of your father is undercut by the longer discussion of a less significant topic.</p>

<p>I don’t know when you are planning to take the SAT, but you should make reading English a top priority. While already pretty good, your fluency could be improved. You should know that SAT readers are instructed not to take an essay writer’s language barrier into consideration when scoring their essay. Your grammatical errors will be graded as strictly as anyone elses. (As I mentioned before, you need to be conscious of sentence boundaries. Work on that first.)</p>

<p>Score 7/12.</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much im still in grade 9 and im still trying to learn how to write essays thank you for you kind post and reply</p>